Receiving the Sunshine Blogger Award

Just Me Blogging

I was nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award by Ilona Madam over at easydiet.blog. Thank you Ilona so much for this nomination! It truly means a lot. In fact this is the very first blog award nomination I have ever received, so thank you! And for those of you who are reading, please take a minute to go check out her blog. She’s great!

RULES:

  1. Use the sunshine blogger award logo
  2. Give thanks to the blogger that nominated you
  3. Answer the 11 questions given to you
  4. Nominate 11 other bloggers and ask them 11 questions

QUESTIONS:

  1. What is your favorite health food or snack? There are so many choices, but I honestly love snacking on a ripe avocado 🥑. .
  2. What is your favorite place to visit? I love up north Michigan, especially in Fall when the leaves are changing 🍁.
  3. What is the best thing about van life? I have no idea what this question is… but I think if I had a van, I’m sure I would enjoy it. 😇
  4. What was your very first pet? A cat who hated me. His name was Big Kitty 🐱.
  5. What is your favorite movie? Hmmm…. it’s always changing. If you ask my husband he’d say any Disney movie, But I guess I would have to go with my all time favorite Disney’s Tarzan 🏰.
  6. Why did you start blogging? I started blogging as a therapeutic way to cope with my grief after suffering a miscarriage. I didn’t really think it would amount to much or people would even read it. But honestly I have really enjoyed blogging, and have even turned it into a platform of advocating and helping other women of whom have experienced loss 💻.
  7. Is family very important to you? Yes, family is everything to me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without them. ❤️
  8. What does life mean to you? This is a super deep question. I guess life to me means we all have a purpose and are all meant to love one another as God has shown His love for us ⛪️.
  9. What is your favorite thing to do when traveling? Taking pictures and trying new food 🥘.
  10. What do you love the most about blogging? Purpose and Growth.
  11. Who is your inspiration? My Mom. She’s incredible. 🧡

I honestly feel really weird listing off 11 bloggers for this award. Truthfully, there are so many amazing bloggers out there, and so many blogs I have yet to discover. So if you are reading this… consider yourself nominated. Also, I am keeping the same questions since I think they’re great. 🙂

Completing My Internship

Just Me Blogging, Life After Miscarriage

I was seriously starting to feel like this day would never come. I started my internship at a government agency on January 8th, 2019. I started this adventure the day before I got pregnant. I switched internship sites around February 7th… when I was 8 weeks into my pregnancy. After many, many extensions, missed and made up hours, meetings, projects, papers, presentations and an incomplete… I officially did it. I completed my 6 credit internship! There were so many times I thought I would fail or just give up… but I didn’t.

I am so grateful for my internship and all that I have learned. Even though I had other crazy personal obstacles and traumas that were going on, I was still able to find value in my work at my internship. Being a Sexual Assault Peer Educator taught me how to be an advocate, not just for survivors of sexual assault but also in my line of work of advocating for women and children’s health, and women of whom have suffered a miscarriage and infant loss. This internship also taught me valuable coping skills, how to heal through my personal trauma, as well as how to help others after suffering a trauma… and for that I am eternally grateful. ❤️

The Best Thing My Husband Ever Told Me After My Miscarriage

Life After Miscarriage

My husband is amazing. In many ways we are the same, but in so many other ways we are completely opposite. We compliment each other pretty well. Sharing a life with another human isn’t complete bliss. There’s highs and lows when it comes to marriage. There’s friction, laughter, goofiness, inside jokes, stress, tension, devotion and love. Marriage is great… but marriage is work.

After we lost our baby, my husband really didn’t know how to help me. He didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing, so he often times stayed silent. This made the tension in our marriage grow. I was angry because I took his silence as insensitivity and him being unattached, when in reality he just didn’t know what to do. Eventually after many meltdowns, fights and shouting matches we were able to make peace. I was able to tell him what I needed and he was able to offer help and comfort.

Around Mother’s Day my husband said something so incredibly thoughtful. I don’t even think he realizes how his words impacted me. He knew Mother’s Day was going to be a very tough day. He comforted me in many ways that day, but one thing he said that I absolutely adored was “Happy Mother’s Day. And you’re still a Mother. You are a good mother because you will always remember our baby. She’s in Heaven and I guess we needed her to watch over us.”

I love Charles so much. These words that he said to me have stuck with me and given me strength. He’s an amazing husband and a beautiful Angel Daddy. ❤️

The Decision to Try Again

Life After Miscarriage

Sometime in May, after my breakthrough in counseling and our Mother’s Day Getaway… Charles and I continued considering the idea of trying again. If someone had told us that we would desire to have another baby a few months ago, after we had just lost our baby… I wouldn’t have believed it. But it’s true. Charles and I are both in this peaceful place and desire to be parents someday soon.

Throughout our many discussions on this topic, I have disclosed with my husband my fears and anxieties of trying again. It’s scary. It’s a risk. There are so many things that could happen. We could have trouble getting pregnant. We could have another miscarriage. We could have a stillbirth. We could have a difficult pregnancy, or delivery. Or… we could have a healthy normal pregnancy and delivery. It takes so much energy to worry about what could happen. I’m quickly realizing, that this is no way to live.

This summer before we start trying, I have set a few goals for myself; including eating healthier, losing weight, saving money, finding activities I enjoy, starting my personal small business, and just taking care of me. I have been on this journey of self discovery and healing for a little while now. It has honestly been one of the best summers of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I grieve and miss my baby every single day, but I have grown from what I’ve lost. It’s truly amazing.

So, yes someday soon Charles and I are going to try again. I don’t know when. I don’t know how long or if we’ll even be able to get pregnant. If we do get pregnant, I haven’t even considered how soon we will want to share our news. All I know is this… I am not in control of everything. I can and will do my best to take care of myself, but ultimately the future is in the Lord’s hands. I have faith and through this journey, that’s what I choose to hold on to.

Biblical Scriptures I Found Helpful After A Miscarriage

Just Me Blogging, Life After Miscarriage, Resources

After my miscarriage, I was very angry with God. I appreciated people who prayed for me, but I did not want to hear of God’s promises or biblical scripture. I was having a crisis of faith. Eventually, I was able to find joy and forgiveness in God and what He has planned for me. The following is a list biblical scriptures that I found helpful after my miscarriage. My hope is that if you are reading this… you can also find joy and comfort in these scriptures.

“Yet those who wait for the Lord, will gain new strength. They will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not get tired. They will walk and not become weary.” – Isaiah 40:31

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” – Psalms 56:3

“God is within her, she will not fall. God will help her at break of day.” – Psalm 46:5

“Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6 – 7

“Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:7

“Be still, and know that I am God.” – Psalm 46:10

My Top 10 Favorite Spots to Eat

Self Care, Top 10 Lists

As part of my journey of healing and self care, I thought I would take a moment and share my personal favorite restaurants and favorite meals to eat.

1. Red Lobster

– Shrimp Trio: Shrimp Scampi, Butterfly Shrimp, Shrimp Linguine, Rice and French Fries with Garlic Biscuits and Lobster Pizza as an Appetizer.

2. Olive Garden

– Soup, Salad and Bread Sticks: I’m always trying something new.

3. Buffalo Wild Wings

– Small order of Traditional Wings: Caribbean Jerk, Chipotle, Lemon Pepper, Fries

4. Subway

РFootlong, BMT on White Bread, Pepper Jack Cheese, Toasted, Lettuce, Tomato, Pickles, Olives, Onion, Jalape̱os and Mayo.

5. Hibachi Buffet

– Pork Egg Roll, Crab Rangoon’s, Stuffed Mushrooms, Vegetable Sushi, Fried Chicken, Orange Chicken, Salad. Coconut Shrimp.

6. Blaze Pizza

– Garlic Marinara Sauce, Feta Cheese, Goat Cheese, Bacon, Artichokes, Black Olives, Onions, Mushrooms and Oregano.

7. Campus Wok

– Orange Chicken Combination Plate with Hot and Sour Soup

8. Biggby Coffee

– Frozen Teddy Bear Latte’

9. Qudoba

– Pick 3 Triple Threat Tacos with a side of Chips and Queso

10. A Taste of India

– Spicy Goat Curry

My Self Care Plan… and How to Create Your Own Self Care Plan.

Just Me Blogging, Resources

As an aspiring Family Life Educator, I have been educated on and practically had the importance of self care drilled into my head. Self care is basically what an individual chooses to do in order to take care of themselves. Self care is extremely important for your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health as well as every aspect of our lives. It is also very important and highly encouraged in order to avoid burn out and compassion fatigue.

Below is my own personal self care plan.

My Self Care Plan

Physical Health

– Drinking plenty of water, 4 – 8 glasses a day.

– Eating Healthy, incorporating fruits and veggies into my diet.

– Exercise, Walking, Yoga, and Stretching

Emotional Health

– Writing in my journal or blog.

– Spending time with friends and family

– Listening to music

– Binge watching Netflix

Mental Health

– Organizing my planner

– Going to Counseling

– Enjoying quiet moments

– Knitting and Crocheting

– Enjoying a Fresh cup of coffee

Social Life

– Attending Hockey Games

– Going on Dates with my husband

– Meeting up with old friends

Spiritual Life

– Reading my bible

– Praying

– Going to church

– Enjoying fellowship with other believers.


Now it’s your turn! What’s your self care plan? What are some activities you do in order to relax and recharge? Whether you are a new mom, an author, retired, a work-a-holic or anything in between, I can guarantee we all can benefit from self care. With that being said…..

What kind of activities do you do in order to help your physical health?

What kind of activities do you do in order to help your emotional health?

What kind of activities do you do in order to help your mental health?

What kind of activities do you do in order to help your social life?

What kind of activities do you do in order to help your spiritual life?

I challenge YOU to write out your own self care plan. Once it is complete put it in a place where you see it and can be reminded daily to take care of YOU. If you need ideas of various self care activities, feel free to check out my previous post on 25 Self Care Ideas to Try This Summer.

I would love to hear from YOU! Feel free to comment or message me your self care ideas and activities you do in order to take care of YOU!

Abortion: A Topic That is Triggering to Women Who Have Miscarried

Just Me Blogging, Life After Miscarriage, Resources

With all the talk of abortion lately… I decided to write this post. I was quite hesitant in that this topic is so controversial. Now my intention is not to turn this post into a debate or to push my views on to other people. My goal for this post is to simply offer a new perspective to many who may not have considered it. I’m also not going to clearly state whether or not I am pro life or pro choice. I am simply offering a perspective that I believe others have experienced too.

After having my miscarriage, the topic of abortion became very triggering to me. This was mostly because I was a different person and I looked at things differently. I watched many people have debates over social and news media. I saw graphic pictures throughout my campus. All of these things were very upsetting, but the one thing that set me off the most was my medical bills. When I received my medical bills I was not only trigged by the reminder of my miscarriage, but I was also triggered by the medical lingo that was used. Spontaneous Abortion. I looked at those two words and felt sick to my stomach. Home alone, I screamed at the top of my lungs “I did not have an abortion!” I was heated.

After doing some research it seems this is the proper terminology that is used when it is recorded that a woman has a D & C after a miscarriage. Despite that I still had uneasy feelings about it. Did I really have an abortion? I didn’t have a choice if my baby would live or die. Did I do something wrong? Should I have opted to have my miscarriage naturally? It took me weeks before I found the answers to these questions, and strangely enough I stumbled upon them in a devotional I received from a friend. In the devotional it states that yes, according to medical terminology I did have a spontaneous abortion. I could choose to look at it from that perspective, or I could choose to look at it another way. My baby physically left my body like any other women who has a natural vaginal delivery. There were tools used to help remove my baby yes, but my cervix still dilated. So, instead of looking at it like an abortion, I choose to look at it like labor. I labored my baby who sadly was born sleeping.

If you are reading this and you haven’t had a miscarriage, first thank you for reading, and secondly keep in mind there is likely a woman in your life that has had a miscarriage. I would also like us all to keep that in mind the next time we discuss or debate the topic of abortion. Always consider your audience and who might be listening. Abortion is a very touchy topic and just because I find it triggering doesn’t mean other women will. However I will leave it at this. I did everything right, and my baby died. I didn’t have a choice… and it hurts.

Grief & Mercy Blog Q & A: I am answering all your questions about miscarriage, grief, healing, recovery and my personal experience

Life After Miscarriage

Back in June I asked the question on my Instagram stories “What questions do you have for me?” The following is a list of questions that were sent to me from my followers.

1. How do you deal with friends after a loss?

This seems like a very broad question, but I will try and answer it as best I can. I had many friends after my loss show compassion, while I had others who lacked empathy. I think the best advice I can give you is just to be honest with your friends after a loss… as hard as that might be. Be honest about how you’re feeling and doing. Don’t sugar coat it and say “I’m fine.” When in reality you’re not.

Secondly, I would also suggest being honest about telling them what you need. If you need company, invite them over. If you need to be left alone, tell them and be willing to set that boundary. I guess the biggest thing I am trying to say, is just be honest. I really struggled with being honest and open with my friends and family after my miscarriage. I didn’t want to tell people what I needed because I was stubborn and didn’t want to ask for help. Eventually, I swallowed my pride and started being honest and asking for help. Once I did this, it allowed many lines of communication to open which helped me and my different relationships entirely.

2. What were some thing’s that people said to you that were helpful after your miscarriage?

After my miscarriage, I dealt with a lot of people who either didn’t know what to say, or said the wrong thing. However, there were a few people who said things that were truly helpful and sincere during my grief. I am currently writing a whole post covering this question. However, I will share with you now a few things that were helpful after my miscarriage.

I really appreciated it when people said things like…..

I’m sorry for your loss.

My heart breaks for you.

I’m here for you if you need anything.

I’m praying for you.

It’s okay to be sad. You grieve the way you need to grieve.

3. Any Advice for first day back at work after 20 week miscarriage?

For the person who sent me this question, I first just want to say I am very sorry for your loss. I also want to say thank you for reaching out to me. I guess the best advice I could give to you or anyone is to be gentle on yourself. It can be extremely challenging returning to work and everyday life following a miscarriage or any sort of trauma. I would encourage you to ease into this transition back to normal slowly. I would also like to encourage you to be kind to yourself. Reward yourself for little victories.

4. Do you find it difficult when other women around you are pregnant?

Yes! It is extremely difficult. Parts of me wishes so much that I was still pregnant, while other parts of me worries and has anxiety for women I know who are pregnant. I hope and pray all the time that they don’t experience the loss that I had.

5. What healing looked like, what you learned, how you can use your experience to help others?

Healing I feel is a life long process. It is enveloped in the grief process, and is felt and experienced in many moments throughout a life time. It changes you. The biggest thing about healing, is allowing yourself to feel the grief. Allowing this anguish allows us as humans to move forward in life. You gotta feel it. You gotta face it, or you won’t move forward. I found healing in various activities including writing, knitting, spending time with friends and family, taking pictures and so much more. It’s a never ending journey.

6. How did you get back to feeling like yourself again?

This is kind of a complex question, but I think the simplest answer is I got back to feeling like myself again by choosing to move forward and choosing to heal. I chose to talk about my miscarriage. I allowed myself to cry. I encouraged myself to write my story.

7. Do you regret telling people you were pregnant before you Miscarried?

Not really. This thought crossed my mind after we lost the baby, but I’m thankful people knew I was pregnant and then lost my baby. I’m thankful I had people around me for love and support.

8. Why are you so amazing?

Okay, so my bestie sent me this question. Haha! Thanks girl! I don’t know if I am that amazing so I wouldn’t even know how to answer that question.

Thanks for all the questions! Again I’m no expert, but I’m here to help and here to listen. ❤️

I Am

Poems

The following is a healing art activity I did in my internship. This exercise was not only therapeutic but also enjoyable. This poem has a more lighter tone to it, and I found it quite whimsical to write. I hope you enjoy! ❤️

I Am

I am KIND and GENTLE

I wonder about my FUTURE

I hear the BIRDS singing

I see a beautiful SUNSET

I want a RAINBOW baby

I AM kind and gentle

I pretend I am a PRINCESS

I feel my GUARDIAN angel’s wings

I touch the TREE of life

I worry about having another MISCARRIAGE

I cry for my BABY

I am kind and GENTLE

I understand the meaning of LOVE

I say CHILDREN are our future

I dream about being a MOMMY

I try to be the BEST I can be

I hope to be a successful WRITER

I am KIND and gentle

Grief & Mercy Blog Post Round Up: A List of My Top Viewed, Liked and Commented Blog Posts

Just Me Blogging

This is my very first Blog Post Round Up! I’m excited! I have compiled a list of the most liked, most viewed, most commented and overall most popular and favorite blog posts I have written so far. Writing in general is hugely therapeutic to me. However, writing my blog, and reflecting on my story has truly changed me for the better. So join me. Sit back and relax as I reflect on my most popular blog posts.

1. The Worst Day of My Life

This blog post was one of the hardest ones I have ever had to write. In fact I think it took me about three days to finish because it was just emotionally draining to reflect on. However, I’m glad I did it. I tried my best not to leave out any details because I truly wanted each one of you reading this to understand and feel what I was feeling that day. If you haven’t read this post yet, go check it out. I will warn you it is very raw as this post talks about my final ultrasound when I discovered I had had a missed miscarriage.

2. Finding Out I Was Pregnant

This Post was the second one I ever published. I enjoyed writing this post as it reminded me of the joy and good feelings I had when I found out I was pregnant. I also enjoy looking back at how I found I was pregnant. If you haven’t read this post yet, I encourage you too. 🙂

3. Seeing The Rainbow

This post is actually one of my personal favorites. I now have come to love rainbows and beg my husband to come with me after a thunderstorm to see if we can find any in the sky. The fact that I saw this particular rainbow exactly 2 weeks after my surgery, still blows me a way. I was having a hard time and it appeared in the sky just when I needed it… as if it’s a sign from Heaven above.

4. The First Time I Saw You

Seeing my baby at my 8 week ultrasound appointment was one of the happiest moments of my life. The minute I saw the image of a little blob and heartbeat on the screen, I was in love. So tiny. So innocent. It hurt as I wrote this post because I remembered all the joy I had when I saw her, and just over a week later she was gone. However, I feel very blessed to be able to have seen her and her beating heart.

5. The Hurtful Things People Say… and What NOT To Say After A Woman Has A Miscarriage

After publishing this post, I actually had quite a response from many different people. In fact I had a few requests that I write an additional post on the things people should say to a woman after having a miscarriage. I found this to be a great idea. It is very important that we as people know what not to do but also ideas on what we can do to help an angel mommy in her grief. The additional post on what to do to help a woman after miscarriage will be coming soon.

6. The People Who Reached Out To Me

Writing this post was humbling. I was able to reflect back and think about all the people who helped, prayed and supported me and my husband through this time of loss. Even though I wasn’t able to remember everyone, you know who you are and I am truly eternally grateful.

7. Leap of Faith

This was my very first blog post. This was the moment I became a writer. This is when I allowed myself to be vulnerable and created my online identity as a writer, an angel mommy and a miscarriage and infant loss advocate. This is how it all got started.

8. The Decision to Share My Story

This blog post was also a very hard one to write. I think it’s mostly because I remember the thoughts and feelings of wanting to share my story. I remember feeling so engulfed in my grief and trauma that it still feels like it was yesterday. None the less, I am so thankful I shared my story as it has helped other women not feel so alone and has helped me to heal.

9. The Birthstone Ring

This post is another one of my favorites. Not only do I talk about one of the many hurtful things that was said to me after I miscarried my baby, but it also reminds me of my husband and how truly amazing he is. The days after my miscarriage he was walking on egg shells not sure what to do. I was horrible to him, and yet he never left my side. He did his best to understand me through this loss. I love him so much.

10. Saying Goodbye…

Writing this post I felt very raw and emotional. I discussed my thoughts and feelings on the day I had my D & C. When trying to find an image for this post I wasn’t sure if I would be able to find one. However, when I looked through my phone I stumbled upon this one. I don’t have any memory of taking this picture, and I don’t even know if I’m the one who took it. I don’t know why this picture was taken, but I’m glad it was.

11. 10 Weeks Pregnant… A Fourth of the Way There

This post I didn’t expect to be very popular… but it was. I think many readers enjoyed this post because it mostly talked about the ups and downs of pregnancy. I’m sure so many women can relate. This post made me really miss being pregnant. As much as I complained when I was pregnant, I would give anything to go back.

12. Starting My Blog

The idea to start a blog, actually came from my counselor. At first I wasn’t totally sold on the idea but I thought I’d give it a try. I honestly didn’t think anyone would even read it. Miscarriage is such a sad topic, so I didn’t think anyone would be interested. However, after having a huge turn out, this motivated me to continue blogging and talking about my life as well as a very difficult topic.

13. The Hours Leading Up To My Procedure

This post also got a lot of views and is one of my personal favorites. In this post I discuss the last few hours of being pregnant and saying goodbye to my baby. It was hard. It was painful. But it was what I needed to do. This post also shows the very last pregnancy bump picture I took.

14. A Calling to Advocate

This post is the reason I started blogging, to advocate and bring awareness of miscarriage and infant loss. When I realized my calling of being an advocate, I felt like I got hit by a truck. I realized this is what I am meant to do for the rest of my life. Even though I’m just getting started, I am already enjoying the journey.


Well there you have it. My first blog post round up is complete. Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading and following along on my journey of healing, growth and advocacy. Before finishing this post I just want to give you all a sneak peek on some posts ahead.

Looking Ahead…..

Breakthrough in Counseling & Finding Acceptance

Scripture I Found Helpful After My Miscarriage

Loved Baby Devotional Book Review

Thanks For Reading!!! ❤️💻☀️

Starting My Blog

Just Me Blogging, Life After Miscarriage

As I went through grief counseling in April, I reached a lot of milestones. At this point I had gone through every stage of grief at least once, except for acceptance. I was starting to become more stable with my emotions, and ultimately I felt good as I made steps in the right direction. During one counseling session, I discussed how I wanted to share my story in detail. I didn’t know how to do it, but I knew I had a lot to say. My counselor suggested starting a blog.

I considered this idea for a little while. It was one of those ideas I couldn’t let go. I lost sleep over it as I contemplated this as the answer I had been looking for. Is this what I’m meant to do? Am I meant to be an advocate through blogging? This thought consumed me. I wrote a timeline of different event topics from the time I got pregnant until now. As I looked at my very long list of topics, I realized this was my next step.

I started my blog with my first blog post Leap of Faith. I decided that would be a good title for my first post as this was a leap of faith. Creating a blog and talking about how I have gone through a pregnancy, miscarriage and healing was not only risky but also vulnerable. I had no idea who would read it, what people would think or how I would be perceived as a person. Even though all these thoughts and fears came to mind, I still wanted to do it. I wanted to share my story. I wanted to give resources and support to those who have experienced the same form of loss. I wanted to write and share my story… and so I did,

“And what, you ask does writing teach us? First and foremost, it reminds us that we are alive, and that it is a gift and privilege, not a right.” – Ray Bradbury

Breaking Barriers: Telling My Story In Person

Life After Miscarriage, Miscarriage

On a Monday April 15th at noon, I attended my final internship meeting for the spring semester. At this meeting, each peer educator had the opportunity to become vulnerable and share a personal story with everyone else. The theme of this stories meeting was empathy. I thought this would be a good opportunity to share my story of pregnancy, miscarriage, loss, healing and a calling to advocate. I mostly wanted to share my story in person to see if I was up to the challenge. I wanted to see if I could do it.

The night before, as well as every hour leading up to the meeting, I was nervous. I wanted to do this, but I knew there was a risk of being judged and feeling shame. When it was time to share my story, I took a deep breath and began talking, I started from the very beginning. I talked about finding out I was pregnant, to telling my husband, to changing internship sites, to morning sickness, to both of my ultrasounds, to my surgery, to healing and finally to advocacy. My friend Jeanie sat next to me as I told my story. I didn’t feel alone, because in many ways she lived through it with me.

When I was finished telling my story, I was welcomed by much support, condolences and even love. I honestly think it was a good decision for me to share my story with an audience of peer educators in a very safe place. I did it, and it gave me confidence that I can do it again.

The Worst Pain

Miscarriage

I hoped and prayed I would never have to go through this.

The pain I’ve experienced in the past two days has been hell.

A miscarriage and losing a child is something I would never wish.

There are moments I try holding my head up, acting like all is well.

And then there are moments, I can’t even get out of bed.

I cry in silence and I cry amidst a crowd.

People try to help, but I usually hate the words they’ve said

Sometimes I can’t control my emotions and I end up screaming out loud.

Or I suffer in silence as the pain becomes unbearable.

The Decision to Share My Story

Miscarriage

The night I found out about our baby, I laid awake. I tossed and turned. I couldn’t go five minutes without crying. As the hours passed, the more my new reality would hit. I’m not having a baby. I’m not gonna be a mom anymore. These thoughts just broke my heart over and over again. As I laid in the bed awake, I thought back to when this all started. I thought about Andrea asking if I could be pregnant. I thought about Alli bringing me the pregnancy test. I thought about the excitement and disbelief we all had about me being pregnant. I thought about my mom and I shopping for maternity clothes. I thought about my crazy pregnancy cravings. I thought about both ultrasounds. I thought about the dreams that Charles and I had for this little girl…. I found myself holding my breathe still in a state of shock. How can this journey suddenly be over? Just like that.

By 3am I couldn’t take it anymore. The series of events that occurred in the last 7 weeks kept swirling around my head. As much as it was torcher to think about, I didn’t want to forget. This was my story. This didn’t all happen for nothing. I didn’t understand the reason, but I knew I wasn’t meant to suffer in silence. I thought about the pros and cons of sharing my story. People may give me pity or think I just want attention. People may say something insensitive or just the wrong thing and it could hurt more. People would forever look at me differently.

That night I wrote a brief status on my Facebook of my pregnancy and miscarriage. I outlined it as a letter to Mackenzie. The decision to write my story wasn’t an easy one to make, and I knew I was taking a risk. However, I chose to tell my story for three reasons.

1) I wanted control. I felt like I had lost all control in this situation. That’s one thing that made this situation fall into the category of a traumatic event. I the victim or survivor lost all control in the loss I was experiencing. I not only wanted to find some grasp of control in this situation, but I also wanted some control of what others may say to me. Ever since Charles and I got married, it never fails that every few weeks someone is asking us when we are going to have kids. Due to what had just happen to us, I didn’t want anyone to ask. I thought that if people knew our story they would be respectful of our loss and allow us to choose when we want to talk about starting a family.

2) I knew I wasn’t alone. As much as it hurt and as much as I felt like I must be the only woman in the world to feel this pain… I knew I wasn’t. I knew there were others out there like me. Many have suffered in silence while others have shared their story publicly. I wanted to be able to connect to those who have gone through this pain, so that I could find some glimmer of hope that I could get through it too.

3) I wanted the world to know Mackenzie. Naming her, talking about her and sharing our story made her real. I didn’t want her just to be an idea, or dream. She is real. She did grow inside me and sadly she was called home.

So I did it. I shared my story around 4am on Tuesday February 26th. To this day I still can’t believe the impact of sharing my story….