Implantation Bleeding

The morning I found out I was pregnant again for a third time, I went about my day as normally as possible. I went to work and taught preschoolers. On my lunch break, I came home and showed Charles the pregnancy test and he was happy but not surprised.

In the middle of the day at work, I went to the bathroom. I was happy to step out of my classroom and get off my feet for a moment. However, when I went to the bathroom I was surprised to see a little bit of spotting. Oh no…. not again. I instantly started to panic and thought I was having another miscarriage. I prayed that what ever would happen would be the Lord’s will. I was scared but I just had to trust and stay calm.

About an hour later, I went to the bathroom and saw no blood. I was relieved and filled with peace. I went about my day staying calm and trying to relax.

The next day while Charles and I were on a drive running some errands, I had to stop at the store to use the bathroom. While there I was surprised to see yet again a tiny bit of spotting. This time, I didn’t panic. I felt like what I was seeing was normal. With my miscarriage in the past when I was bleeding, the bleeding didn’t subside. It just got heavier and heavier until I lost my pregnancy. Whereas, the bleeding I was seeing now was still very light, and only happened once or twice.

Based on my symptoms, I am assuming that what I was experiencing was implantation bleeding. Implantation bleeding sometimes occurs when the egg implants into the wall of the uterus. It usually occurs around the time you start your period, so women sometimes mistake implantation bleeding as a period. Only a certain percentage of women have this, and is completely normal.

As I reflect back on my previous pregnancies, I don’t remember having any implantation bleeding with Mackenzie. With Chase, I remember having a very tiny bit before the pregnancy test turned positive.

Based on the research and what I know, I was not going to fret. The bleeding stopped, and I felt fine. So I was just going to trust that everything was okay.

Post Written 5/2/21

When You Least Expect It…

At the end of April, I was feeling rather emotional and overwhelmed. Mother’s Day was quickly approaching and it was hard for me to not carry the grief and dread I was feeling about that particular holiday. As I thought about Mother’s Day, I thought about last year when Charles and I decided on Mother’s Day that we would try again for our rainbow baby.

Fast forward to the end of April 2021, and I was feeling defeated. We had been trying for about a year and absolutely no results. Negative test after negative tests. Period after period. I was due for my period on April 29th. I was feeling discouraged and tired of hoping. I finally told myself to stop. Stop getting my hopes up and stop getting excited. I tried convincing myself over and over that every little cramp, twinge, mood swing and hot flash was just my period coming.

When my period didn’t come on the 29th I figured, it’s just late this month. I have had cycles of up to 34 days. I continued trying to keep myself grounded and tell myself my period was coming.

The morning of April 30th, I had a really strange dream. I dreamt I lost my sense of taste and smell but no other symptoms. In my dream I was walking around a room to different foods and flowers while trying to smell them. I instantly woke up sweaty, agitated and gross. My alarm went off for work, and as much as I didn’t want to get up, I knew it was time to start the day… and at least it was a Friday.

I went to the bathroom, and I started to get excited that my period still hadn’t come. I then thought, what if I take a pregnancy test, and when it says Not Pregnant I can stop hoping. I’ll know my period will show up anytime.

I grabbed the last test I had under my bathroom sink. It was the more expensive digital kind. I knew that it would be the most reliable tool I had besides getting my period.

I took the test and waited.

In the moment of waiting I just kept thinking Not Pregnant, it’s going to say Not Pregnant and that’s okay. I’m bummed but at least I’ll know.

It was 4:30 in the morning. I checked the test after 2 minutes. I squinted my eyes at the word on the screen. I was still tired with sleepies in my eyes. I read the word. I read it again.

Pregnant… huh? Where’s the Not? It doesn’t say Not Pregnant. Is it broken? Does Not pop up later? I took a deep breath and wrapped my mind around my surprising reality. I’m pregnant. No way! I’m pregnant! In that moment it hit me and I sobbed with joy, and with hesitation. I praised God and thanked Him for this little blessing!

I’m pregnant. Third pregnancy, here we go!

Post Written 4/30/21

Be More Like Hannah

For the past couple weeks, I have been reading a devotional focused on Hannah and her journey of infertility and longing to be a mother. I have found that this book, is the kind of book that you read when you need a pick-me-up. This isn’t the kind of book that you read in a couple days, at least for me. It’s a book that you can pick up and put down in order to let the message of the words marinate in your mind and resonate in your soul.

These past few weeks, I have been heavily investing and putting my all into my job as a teacher. It’s in many ways a good distraction of the circumstances I am often dwelling on, but sometimes it still doesn’t satisfy what my heart truly longs for. I spend everyday with children, I teach, care for, and build relationships with children that aren’t mine, but I love and care for as if they were my own.

Everyday is a challenge, as I did not think I would be where I am today. Some days are worse than others. Every holiday, I anticipate another pregnancy announcement and every time I am envious that I am not the one announcing. Every April Fools day, I am infuriated that someone is making a joke out of being pregnant when there are so many women who are struggling to get pregnant. Every family gathering, birthday, holiday or celebration I feel like something is missing. I feel that Charles and I should be bringing along a car load of kids to join in our family memories.

I try to put my all into my writing, my family, and my job but it’s just not enough sometimes. I have this yearning to be a mom that I simply can not fight. Since the young age of two I can remember carrying and loving on baby dolls that my family gifted me. In Young Five’s I can remember playing house with my classmates and I always wanted to be and was the mom. Growing up I always cared for animals such as a stray litter of kittens, baby bunnies born in my backyard and a baby chick all as if they were my baby, Even as a young adult to now, I snuggle and care for babies I know, watch and teach with my whole heart. Being a mom is who I am and who I have always desired to be.

The 2 pregnancies, 2 losses, 1 D & C, a year of trying, grief and trauma… it’s changed me. It’s damaged me. I am recked by anything dealing with death, sick or dying babies, miscarriages, and the harsh reality of grief. I’ve clawed my way back from the dark road of mourning I once faced, but I still sometimes feel broken. My life was altered by loss. The year of 2019 was so significant that when I look back on my life I think of before my first pregnancy and after my second miscarriage. It’s a powerful reminder and something I will never forget. It changed me for the good and the bad.

I share all this, to be real and honest about how I look at my life. I love my life, I do. But I guess don’t feel I am fulfilling the purpose God has for me or feel that my cup is only half full. Maybe that’s not the case. Maybe this is right where I’m supposed to be, but if it were… wouldn’t I feel differently?

When I feel this way, I often think of Hannah. All Hannah wanted was a baby. She was jealous and envious her husband’s other wife was able to have babies, but she was not. Hannah went to the temple and prayed. She was so distraught that the priest thought she was drunk. Hannah was not drunk but so emotional and passionate about her hearts desire. As Hannah prayed she asked God yet again for baby. She promised God that if she was given a child she would dedicate them to Lord. Eventually, Hannah was blessed with a beautiful baby. Of course, I am paraphrasing this story, but if you are interested in reading it, check out the book 1 Samuel.

Through studying Hannah’s story I have learned a few things.

1. Certain things are just out of our control. I can hope, I can pray, and I can fast; but the Lord is going to do what He is going to do.

2. God hears you. It may not seem like it. He may seem milllions of miles away and completely silent but he hears us when we pray and when we come to him with our needs, and our wants. He knows and he wants to help us. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it’s no and sometimes it’s wait.

3. Sometimes it’s not all about me. This was a hard one to swallow. But it’s not. If I had my way I’d have two living children with a third on the way, living in a two story house on Lake Michigan. But it’s not all about me, and I don’t always get my way. When we pray for things and the answer is no or wait, that is really tough. But there is a reason for it. God isn’t saying no just to say no. I believe He puts our best interest at heart. He knows our hearts desires and he knows what’s best for us in each season of life. And as hard as that is, the best thing to do is to trust him.

4. Put your focus on God. Hannah prayed day in and day out for a baby. And yet until she went to the temple, did she change her prayers and change her focus on God and what he has for her verses what she wanted. I can imagine that it took a great amount of humbleness to put God first.


So, to come full circle. I am changed and sometimes feel broken. I don’t feel like I am currently living up to my potential. But yet I know that God has a plan for me. I know that, God is bigger than anything I may face. I know that i want the Lord’s will to be done rather than my own. And I know that God sees me. God knows me and God loves me. So I am going to be more like Hannah. I am going to humble myself, I am going to put my focus on God and what he wants for my life rather than what I want. I am going to try to understand and accept that there are just certain things out of my control. And I am going to keep loving Jesus, doing my best in my job, in my family, and in my life. I am going to be more like Hannah because I am going to keep going even when it gets hard.

ReBlog: It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

This post was written a year ago, and though a year has passed, I still believe it holds some truth today.


It’s okay to not be okay… and today I am not okay. A year ago today I was happy. I went to a doctor appointment that I thought would leave me joyous and thankful. Instead, it left me with every emotion imaginable, and this is when my grief first began. I was 11 weeks pregnant. I was supposed have an ultrasound and hear my baby’s heartbeat for the very first time. Instead I heard the words “I’m so sorry, we can’t find a heartbeat.” Instead of feeling joyous, I left feeling empty and broken.

My life changed that day. I became an angel mommy. I had to learn how to let go of a child that I fell in love with but didn’t get to meet. I learned who my true friends and family were. I learned how incredibly common pregnancy loss is, even though no one talks about it. I learned that there are good people in the healthcare system who go above and beyond for their patients. I also learned how the healthcare system let’s so many women like me down. I learned how to grieve, how to live, and how to be happy again. It wasn’t easy, and trust me… I’m still working on it.

Grief is a burden that we all have to deal with in this life. There is no telling how or when you’ll go through it. But we grieve because we love. It hurts because we don’t want to say goodbye. It’s confusing because we don’t know how to handle it until it happens. But more often than not grief brings people together. Whether it’s losing a parent, losing a sibling, losing a friend, losing a child, losing a neighbor, a coworker or even someone well known… it hurts, and it unifies us.

So today I am not okay. I am giving myself permission to grieve my baby. I’m not going to feel guilty for not being my best today. I’m going breathe, rest and remember what I had before I had to say goodbye, and that’s okay.

I love you Mackenzie! Daddy and I miss you so much. 💕

My Goals for 2021

Finally, a new year. I don’t think anyone expected 2020 to go the way it did. When thousands of people were creating goals last January 1st, I’m sure none of them expected a global pandemic, a deadly sickness called the Corona virus, distance learning, state shut downs and the everyday wearing of face masks. None the less, it is officially 2021. We made it to another year.

I pray that this year is a 100 times better than last year in every way. And if not, I pray that through any struggle we may face, I pray we are able to learn and make the most of every situation.

This year I have written down 10 goals that I hope to complete in the year 2021.

My Goals for 2021

  • Publish My Memoir
  • Pay Off My Car
  • Recieve My FLE Certification
  • Lose 20 lbs.
  • Buy A New Car
  • Publish a Second Children’s Book
  • Read The Entire Bible
  • Publish a Self Care Journal
  • Pay Off My Credit Card
  • Start a Family

My deadline to complete these goals is December 31st, 2021 at midnight. Let the first page of this 365 page book begin!

Another Negative

I have tossed around the idea of posting this photo. I have contemplated if I should even write a blog post about this particular topic as it is so incredibly personal. I have weighed the pros and cons of this post and decided on this. On my blog I have always been real and raw when it comes to my life, my challenges and my grief. Over the last twoish years I have shared the details of my grief and miscarriages because it not only helped me heal and process the trauma of that season in my life, but I knew one day my story could help someone else. Therefore, if I share my stories of pregnancy loss, then I can also share my challenges of trying to concieve and start a family.

Last May around Mother’s Day, Charles and I decided we again wanted to try and start a family. It had been 8 months since our second miscarriage and though I don’t think we can ever fully heal from a loss such as this, we both have gained a lot of growth, wisdom and strength from suffering two losses. So in May we decided to start trying again.

When deciding to try again, we discussed how we did not want to obsess over trying to get pregnant. Rather we were just going to allow what ever happen to happen. I wasn’t going to track my temp or track my ovulation. We decided we were going to try and live our lives and allow God to move when He sees fit.

In September, after 4 months of trying and no luck, Charles and I looked into adoption. The desire to become parents in the last few years has grown so strong, and we both love the idea of conceiving our own healthy baby, or adopting a child. Since September we have continued to research the option of adoption and have found there are a few steps we would need to complete before going any further. So in some ways we are at a stand still.

This past month we reached 6 months of trying. And I was convinced that I was pregnant. I was super hungry, tired, had a cold, emotional, my boobs hurt, my hips hurt, I had some cramping that was different than my normal period cramping, headaches and I was three days late. I hoped and prayed that I was pregnant as it would have been a sweet ending to a crazy year. But that wasn’t the case. Another negative yet again.

The day I took the test I was down, defeated and devastated. But as I write this over a week later, I realize that it was for the best. I don’t know why, but I know it wasn’t meant to be right now. Since my second miscarriage I have asked God to please not let me get pregnant unless I am pregnant with a healthy baby. And so, since getting another negative I look at it that way. As much as not getting pregnant right now is hard, it’s not as devastating for me as it would be to lose another baby.

I keep thinking God just wants me to do more, before having kids. Maybe that’s publishing my memoir. Maybe that’s moving up at my job. Maybe it’s making money through my blog. And maybe it’s just sharing my story with all of you. I don’t know the reason. But I know that I’m not in control. As scary as it is, I want to have a baby. I want to be a mom to a baby here on earth. But I know that if that stick had two lines, I would have been happy, but not excited.

When you’ve suffered a loss, getting pregnant again feels different. Since you’ve already had the worst happen, you’re extra cautious and it’s always in the back of your mind. Is it going to happen again? Am I going to lose this pregnancy? Will this be a healthy baby? Only God knows the answers to those questions. And only time will tell what’s in store for us.

For now, I am going to do my best to keep living my life, teaching preschoolers, loving my family, writing, and appreciating the little things. ❤️

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven: Q & A

Recently, I asked my followers on Instagram and Facebook to send me their questions about my new children’s book, Mackenzie Goes to Heaven. I have taken the time to write and answer each one of your questions. Check it out. ⬇️⬇️⬇️

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven: Question and Answer with the Author Kaylee Rhames

“Great Illistrations! Did you do them?”

I did all of the illistrations for the book. It took quite a bit of practice to have the illistratrations turn out the way I wanted them to. In fact the illistrations were the first part of the book that was completed before anything else. When creating the artwork for the book, I wanted to create something very child friendly, and appropriate that could be shared within the family.

“Advice for TTC (trying to concieve) after pregnancy loss?

Hmm… this question is something I have had to ponder for awhile. I guess the best advice I could give is know that many things are out of your control and try to make the best out of every situation. It’s nearly impossible to not have stress or anxiety when trying to concieve after loss. But at the same time, since much of what the future holds is out of our control, it’s best to give your self grace, stay positive and trust that some good will come out of the storm that you’ve gone through.

“For what ages is the book appropriate?”

So, I tried to design this book to be appropriate for all ages because so many families suffer from pregnancy loss. I think children who would benefit most from this story would be ages 2 – 6 years old. But again, the story can be beneficial for everyone.

“How long did it take you to get your blog going?”

I had my first miscarriage in February of 2019. After a few months of grieving and living in a fog, I wanted to do something with my strong emotions and energy. I decided to start a blog to not only find a healthy outlet for my grief but also to share my story in order to help others. I started my blog in April of 2019. It wasn’t until June of 2019 that I realized my blog was something I wanted to continue as a hobby and eventually a career.

“What inspired you to share your story in a children’s book?”

I have always wanted to write a book, and have always loved children’s books. I remember in February of 2020, I was suffering from the flu and bored out of my mind. But while being down and out at home, I came up with the idea to create a children’s book about miscarriage. At first I thought it was a dumb idea, and possibly too large of a concept for children to grasp. Then I realized that miscarriages are so common among families, and if it is confusing for adults to understand, then I can imagine it is beyond confusing for children to understand. So that’s when I thought i need to make this resource.


Thanks for joining me on my Question and Answer of my children’s book Mackenzie Goes to Heaven! You can purchase a copy of the book at the link below! ⬇️⬇️⬇️

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven Children’s Book: Order Now!

Discussing Family Planning with My OB

Recently, I had a very important appointment with my OBGYN. In the past I have had a variety of good appointments, and a variety of traumatic appointments at my OB’s office. However, this time was different, and surprisingly I had a very positive experience.

I made the appointment with my OB to discuss family planning and how to be a healthier me. It had been over a year since I had suffered my second miscarriage. So this appointment wasn’t a follow up physical and mental health appointment, nor was this appointment a pregnancy appointment. This appointment was just a let’s sit down and talk about how to be healthy appointment.

At this appointment my doctor seemed happy to see me. She was impressed that I graduated college, have a full time job as a teacher, have become more active and lost 20lbs in the last year, and that I have found ways to better manage my stress.

Throughout the appointment we discussed family planning and trying to concieve. My husband and I aren’t actively trying to concieve but rather, allowing it to happen if it does, and not preventing it if it does. We also discussed adoption and how this is the first avenue we plan to pursue.

In the end my doctor was very positive and hopeful that someday I could have a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. But for now she is 100% supportive of my decision in getting healthy and working towards a child filled future.

Some things my doctor encouraged me to do as we plan for a family, include the following…

1. Start taking prenatal vitamins daily

2. Start taking my anxiety meds daily

3. Have my thyroid levels checked and managed regularly,

4. Continue to be active daily.

5. Strive for a better BMI, by starting with small goals, such as losing 10 lbs.

6. Drink plenty of water daily (48 oz.)

Creating a Vision

A longing to be a mom is something I have had for a very long time. I’ve struggled the last couple years with anxiety, depression, hypothyroidism, possible endometriosis and recurrent pregnancy losses. It has been challenging to say the least.

Recently, Charles suggested that I create a vision board… something that displays my many hopes and dreams of being a mom, whether it’s through pregnancy, IVF, surrogacy or adoption.

Today I spent at least three hours creating my vision board. I found it very therapeutic to create an art project that in many ways encompasses the desires of my heart.

This vision board now holds a gentle reminder to keep the faith. Somehow and some way I feel called to be a mom. I believe someday Charles and I will make amazing parents. I don’t know how or when, but I know we will one day raise children of our own.

So for now I am going to focus on my vision, keep the faith God has given me, and hope that there is goodness coming. Good things come to those who wait. ❤️

Now Available: Mackenzie Goes to Heaven Children’s Book

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven is a children’s book, created for families who have gone through a pregnancy loss. It is designed to teach siblings and other children about the concept of miscarriage and how it affects a family in a child friendly way.

Not only is this story about a mother who suffers a pregnancy loss, but the characters in the book are also named after my angel babies Mackenzie and Chase, as well as my brother Matthew who passed away as an infant.

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven is available for $7.70 + Shipping HERE. Digital and Paperback copies are available.

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!… Now Available: Mackenzie Goes to Heaven Children’s Book

It’s finally here! I have officially written, illustrated and published my very first children’s book! To say I’m excited is certainly an understatement!

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven is a children’s book, created for families who have gone through a pregnancy loss. It is designed to teach siblings and other children about the concept of miscarriage and how it affects a family in a child friendly way.

Not only is this story about a mother who suffers a pregnancy loss, but the characters in the book are also named after my angel babies Mackenzie and Chase, as well as my brother Matthew who passed away as an infant.

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven is available for $7.70 + Shipping HERE. Digital and Paperback copies are available.

When the Going Gets Tough… How I Handle Pregnancy Announcements

Pregnancy announcements… something that is supposed to be happy can hurt so badly.

I know I am not alone when I say that pregnancy announcements are hard to handle, especially if you have suffered a loss or you struggle to get pregnant. In many ways you want to be happy for the people who have announced they are expecting…. but at the same time you also want to scream “It’s not fair! Why can’t that be me?!”

For me personally, there are a lot of factors that go into how I feel when I see a pregnancy announcement. If I see an announcement from someone who I know has struggled with fertility or suffered a loss, I am immediately happy for them because I know what they’ve gone through. However, if I see someone having their 5th kid with no problems, I’m not as ecstatic as I could be. Is that right? No, probably not… but it’s how I feel.

It also depends on when they announce. Holidays, my previous due dates and loss dates are very hard for me. Therefore, if someone announces around that time, I am not usually in a good headspace to congratulate them.

I really don’t have any sort of magic trick to make pregnancy announcements not hurt because after suffering a loss or infertility, they almost all hurt in some way. I guess my advice would be to ride the wave. Feel what you need to feel. I certainly wouldn’t lash out at the people who are announcing because they really didn’t do anything wrong. But I would say it is healthy to get your thoughts out in a journal or to a close friend.

Pregnancy announcements are not easy. But it’s just one of those things we can’t control. So I encourage you to ride the wave of grief and get through it somehow.

My 3rd Grief and Mercy Blog Post Round Up: A Look at my Most Liked and Viewed Posts

A Weekend Away to Honor My Due Date

This post was one of my favorites, as not only was I honoring my beautiful angel baby, but I was also pregnant for a 2nd time.

6 Weeks Pregnant

When you’re pregnant, every week is a milestone. And I was super excited when I reached 6 weeks of pregnancy.

7 Weeks Pregnant

At 7 weeks of pregnancy, I took my last bump picture. I had no idea I was going to experience another pregnancy loss.

A Scare at 7 Weeks and 3 Days

This blog post was hard to write… mostly because I already knew the outcome. I knew that even though I hoped and prayed my baby would be okay, we would end up experiencing another loss. I also feel, that when I discussed our trip to the hospital, I was able to see just how strong our marriage had gotten after experiencing so much heartache and grief.

My Worst Fear… Again

I dreaded writing this blog post, even though I needed to and even though I knew it would help me. Sharing with friends, family and all my readers that I had experienced another loss was devastating. However, I was overcome yet again with tremendous love and support.

Let’s Change the Way We Treat Women Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage

This post was about my first opportunity I was able to speak and give a speech on the topic of pregnancy loss. It was challenging, it was stressful, and it was very rewarding as I felt I truly made a difference.

I Feel Like Job

While writing this post I was going through something, that’s for sure. God and I also weren’t as close. This post basically shows all the thoughts and questions in my head as to why bad things happen, and why God chose me to suffer. I still ask these questions sometimes, but I have found some peace and answers through prayer and the book of Job.

Goals for 2020

This blog post was the first step to a good year. Though I didn’t realize there would be a world pandemic, I am thankful for the many blessings I have received.

10 Things to Get Inspired and Fight Writer’s Block

This post was a fun one to write and honestly super popular. I think every writer and blogger struggles with writer’s block at some point. This post is just a few tips to help you in case you’re stuck. Also, this blog post was reblogged on another bloggers page. I am super honored and thankful.

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

One year from my first pregnancy loss was hard, and I was certainly not okay that day. This post is all about how I spent the day and how it is okay to grieve in your own way and in your own time.

My Bathroom Reveal!

In the midst of a pandemic, my husband and I moved to our new home. I spent so much time decorating and cleaning, that I couldn’t wait to share it with all of you! This post is a look at how I decorated my bathroom.

Counseling and Sea Glass

This post was short and simple, but had so much meaning. In this post I discuss the importance of staying grounded.

Cowboy Salsa Recipe

This recipe is super yummy, and I am even considering making it again soon!

My Living Room Reveal!

When my living room was complete, I was over the moon excited and couldn’t wait to share with all of you!

I’ve Been Thinking About You A Lot These Days…

I dreaded writing this post, just because I knew it would be hard. This post is all about honoring and remembering my baby Chase.


Well, there you have it! A look at my most liked, and viewed blog post. Here is a look at what’s coming to the blog very soon.

  • Children’s Activities
  • Date Night Ideas
  • My Balcony Reveal
  • My Kitchen Reveal
  • My Children’s Book

Missing You A lot These Days…

May 13th, 2020. Three days after Mother’s Day. This day had never been so important to me, until I found I was pregnant for a second time. Looking at that second line on a pregnancy test on a late September evening, I thought “This is it. This is my rainbow baby. Thank you Jesus” My joy only lasted for about 20 days, until I started spotting and realized I would lose this baby.

I was pregnant for 7 weeks with a baby my husband and I named Chase. We named him Chase because we were Chasing our Rainbow. Unfortunately that wasn’t”t God’s plan. Chase was only physically with me for a short time, but will be in our hearts forever.

I miss you Chase. I miss you so much. You were in my life for a short time, and as hard as it was to let you go, I thank God for you. Losing you was devastating, but knowing there were other angels in Heaven waiting to take care of you, brought me comfort.

Happy due date Chase. Sorry it has taken me so long to acknowledge this, but I just couldn’t write out my thoughts and feelings until I was ready. I love Baby Chase. 💕

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

It’s okay to not be okay… and today I am not okay. A year ago today I was happy. I went to a doctor appointment that I thought would leave me joyous and thankful. Instead it left me with every emotion imaginable, and this is when my grief first began. I was 11 weeks pregnant. I was supposed have an ultrasound and hear my baby’s heartbeat for the very first time. Instead I heard the words “I’m so sorry, we can’t find a heartbeat.” Instead of feeling joyous, I left feeling empty and broken.

My life changed that day. I became an angel mommy. I had to learn how to let go of a child that I fell in love with but didn’t get to meet. I learned who my true friends and family were. I learned how incredibly common pregnancy loss is, even though no one talks about it. I learned that there are good people in the healthcare system who go above and beyond for their patients. I also learned how the healthcare system let’s so many women like me down. I learned how to grieve, how to live, and how to be happy again. It wasn’t easy, and trust me… I’m still working on it.

Grief is a burden that we all have to deal with in this life. There is no telling how or when you’ll go through it. But we grieve because we love. It hurts because we don’t want to say goodbye. It’s confusing because we don’t know how to handle it until it happens. But more often than not grief brings people together. Whether it’s losing a parent, losing a sibling, losing a friend, losing a child, losing a neighbor, a coworker or even someone well known… it hurts, and it unifies us.

So today I am not okay. I am giving myself permission to grieve my baby. I’m not going to feel guilty for not being my best today. I’m going breathe, rest and remember what I had before I had to say goodbye, and that’s okay.

I love you Mackenzie! Daddy and I miss you so much. 💕