Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2020

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is the day we honor all the babies gone too soon. This year I am honoring my angel babies Mackenzie and Chase as well as my brother Matthew.

The International Wave of Light is something I participated in last year. On this day, those that wish to participate are to light a candle in their own time zone at 7pm and let it burn for an hour. Doing this in your own time zone allows there to be a wave of light across the global for 24 hours.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day and I am lighting candles in honor of my babies as well as all the babies gone too soon.

Creating a Vision

A longing to be a mom is something I have had for a very long time. I’ve struggled the last couple years with anxiety, depression, hypothyroidism, possible endometriosis and recurrent pregnancy losses. It has been challenging to say the least.

Recently, Charles suggested that I create a vision board… something that displays my many hopes and dreams of being a mom, whether it’s through pregnancy, IVF, surrogacy or adoption.

Today I spent at least three hours creating my vision board. I found it very therapeutic to create an art project that in many ways encompasses the desires of my heart.

This vision board now holds a gentle reminder to keep the faith. Somehow and some way I feel called to be a mom. I believe someday Charles and I will make amazing parents. I don’t know how or when, but I know we will one day raise children of our own.

So for now I am going to focus on my vision, keep the faith God has given me, and hope that there is goodness coming. Good things come to those who wait. ❤️

Now Available!!! Mackenzie Goes to Heaven

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven is a children’s book, created for families who have gone through a pregnancy loss. It is designed to teach siblings and other children about the concept of miscarriage and how it affects a family, in a child friendly way.

Not only is this story about a mother who suffers a pregnancy loss, but the characters in the book are also named after my angel babies Mackenzie and Chase, as well as my brother Matthew who passed away as an infant.

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven is available for $7.70 + Shipping HERE. Digital and Paperback copies are available.

Now Available: Mackenzie Goes to Heaven Children’s Book

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven is a children’s book, created for families who have gone through a pregnancy loss. It is designed to teach siblings and other children about the concept of miscarriage and how it affects a family in a child friendly way.

Not only is this story about a mother who suffers a pregnancy loss, but the characters in the book are also named after my angel babies Mackenzie and Chase, as well as my brother Matthew who passed away as an infant.

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven is available for $7.70 + Shipping HERE. Digital and Paperback copies are available.

Today Has Been a Rough Day… But It’s Okay.

Today has been a really rough day, and to be honest, I can’t even explain what made it so tough. You know how they say jealousy is a big ugly monster? Well, I would say grief can be a big ugly monster too. Grief seems to creep in when you least expect it and can linger and stay as long as it wants to. It can and is many times quite awful. Some days I can manage my grief of my past losses and muster up the strength and self talk just enough to feel better. But then there are other days, that the grief is so great… I can’t even get out of bed.

Today was one of those days. Today I had so much on my to do list. I was supposed to catch up on laundry, meal prep for the week, wash dishes, etc. and did I do those things? Absolutely not. I laid around, felt like crying, binged watched 7th Heaven, and cuddled my cat.


After realizing that the day had gone by, I started putting myself down, and feeling guilty because I hardly got anything done. But you know what? It doesn’t matter! My to do list that I didn’t get done was simply expectations I put on myself this weekend, and due to grief and exhaustion I just didn’t get to it, and that’s okay.

I guess my point in saying all of this is, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay that this weekend I didn’t do much but rest because in the end that’s exactly what I needed. The dishes, the laundry, it will all get done. So instead of putting myself down, I’m going to try to just live in the moment. I’m going to try to appreciate having time on the weekends to rest. I’m going to enjoy being a fur mama, until someday I can be mama to a baby of my own. And though my heart often aches and wishes for what is just not meant to be right now, I am going to just appreciate and be thankful for what I have instead of dwelling on what I don’t and what I simply can’t do right now.

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!… Now Available: Mackenzie Goes to Heaven Children’s Book

It’s finally here! I have officially written, illustrated and published my very first children’s book! To say I’m excited is certainly an understatement!

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven is a children’s book, created for families who have gone through a pregnancy loss. It is designed to teach siblings and other children about the concept of miscarriage and how it affects a family in a child friendly way.

Not only is this story about a mother who suffers a pregnancy loss, but the characters in the book are also named after my angel babies Mackenzie and Chase, as well as my brother Matthew who passed away as an infant.

Mackenzie Goes to Heaven is available for $7.70 + Shipping HERE. Digital and Paperback copies are available.

When the Going Gets Tough… How I Handle Pregnancy Announcements

Pregnancy announcements… something that is supposed to be happy can hurt so badly.

I know I am not alone when I say that pregnancy announcements are hard to handle, especially if you have suffered a loss or you struggle to get pregnant. In many ways you want to be happy for the people who have announced they are expecting…. but at the same time you also want to scream “It’s not fair! Why can’t that be me?!”

For me personally, there are a lot of factors that go into how I feel when I see a pregnancy announcement. If I see an announcement from someone who I know has struggled with fertility or suffered a loss, I am immediately happy for them because I know what they’ve gone through. However, if I see someone having their 5th kid with no problems, I’m not as ecstatic as I could be. Is that right? No, probably not… but it’s how I feel.

It also depends on when they announce. Holidays, my previous due dates and loss dates are very hard for me. Therefore, if someone announces around that time, I am not usually in a good headspace to congratulate them.

I really don’t have any sort of magic trick to make pregnancy announcements not hurt because after suffering a loss or infertility, they almost all hurt in some way. I guess my advice would be to ride the wave. Feel what you need to feel. I certainly wouldn’t lash out at the people who are announcing because they really didn’t do anything wrong. But I would say it is healthy to get your thoughts out in a journal or to a close friend.

Pregnancy announcements are not easy. But it’s just one of those things we can’t control. So I encourage you to ride the wave of grief and get through it somehow.

Kid’s Corner: File Folder Matching Game

Are you a teacher, mom, sibling, friend, aunt or grandparent? Are you in need of some fun activity ideas with the kids? Then look no further, because I am here to help.

As a teacher I am constantly browsing Pinterest, bouncing ideas off other teachers, and brain storming different things to do with my kids. As a teacher I am always looking for new ideas, and I am always willing to share my ideas with others.

So with out further or do, I am introducing Kid’s Corner. Kid’s Corner is a segment on my blog dedicated to kids and fun activities.

Today on Kid’s Corner I would like to share an activity called File Folder Matching Game.

File Folder Matching Game

What You Need (Best for ages 2.5 – 5 years old)

A File Folder

Bingo Card (2 copies)

Tape

Scissors

Ziploc Bag or Paper Clip

Markers (optional)

Laminator (optional)

What You Do…

First head over to Pinterest or Google and look up “bingo cards for kids”. Depending on how old the age of your kids are, will depend on what you decide. To narrow your search you may want to put “easy bingo cards for kids”. You could also include a specific kind of bingo card to see if it’s out there, such as Halloween, Ocean Fish, or Shapes. One of my favorite books of all time is Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? So, I decided to type this into Pinterest. Once you have found the bingo card you would like, print 2 copies.

If you have a colored printer, and feel like printing out the bingo cards in color, this will save you from having to color them later. However, if you don’t have a colored printer, coloring the bingo cards with markers will make the game more fun and enjoyable for the kids.

Once the bingo card is colored, cut around the edge of one bingo card until it is one big grid. A lot of times the title, and word Bingo is on the top, and I usually cut that part off as well.

Next tape the card you just cut on the inside of the folder (just as the picture shows). Then you will take the other bingo card and cut out all the squares. Once they are cut, I usually place them in a ziploc bag for safe keeping so they don’t get lost. Or, they can be paper clipped to the folder.

Lastly, I put the name of the game on the front of the folder, so I know what it is. For this particular example I wrote Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? File Folder Matching Game.

One last step, and this is optional. I like to laminate my folders simply so they last and I can use them again and again. For some folders, I chose to laminate the entire folder as well as the matching pieces. But for other folders I chose to laminate the pieces and the large grid before taping it onto the folder. Do whatever works best for you.

Once the folder is complete, feel free to introduce it to the kids. For my kids, I just lay it on the table and they have a ball! They love matching the different pieces and telling me what is on each square. It’s a fun, easy activity that takes a little preparation.

Enjoy! 💕

Pennies from Heaven

Growing up, I had always been familiar with the concept of Heaven and faith. Having an older brother who died as an infant, is what first introduced me to faith. Later in life, of course I had grandparents, and acquaintances who passed on as well, and though it was sad, these moments built my faith. However, my faith was shaken, challenged, and changed after I miscarried my babies.

When I was little, my mom used to find pennies all the time… in fact she still does. I on the other hand don’t find them much at all. When ever my mom would find them on the ground, she would tell me “It’s a penny from Heaven” or “Matthew is watching over me.” I thought it was so cool how my mom would find pennies so often.

Recently, my husband and I went to the store. I was having quite a rough day as I didn’t feel good, I was stressed from work, and just kinda blah. When we got out of the car I remembered praying for things just to get better and for me to feel better. When I opened the car and stepped on the asphalt, I heard a cling. I thought I was hearing things so I grabbed my purse and shut the door. I heard the cling again. I looked down and didn’t see anything. Charles asked me a question and walked around the car. As I started to walk away from the car, I heard a cling again and looked down. I found a penny.

For the rest of our trip in the store, I held the penny in my hand. It was a penny from Heaven. Just a little token from above that put a smile on my face, when I was having a not so good day. I was also reminded of my babies. I was reminded how even though they aren’t physically with me, they are always in fact with me in spirit.

Missing You A lot These Days…

May 13th, 2020. Three days after Mother’s Day. This day had never been so important to me, until I found I was pregnant for a second time. Looking at that second line on a pregnancy test on a late September evening, I thought “This is it. This is my rainbow baby. Thank you Jesus” My joy only lasted for about 20 days, until I started spotting and realized I would lose this baby.

I was pregnant for 7 weeks with a baby my husband and I named Chase. We named him Chase because we were Chasing our Rainbow. Unfortunately that wasn’t”t God’s plan. Chase was only physically with me for a short time, but will be in our hearts forever.

I miss you Chase. I miss you so much. You were in my life for a short time, and as hard as it was to let you go, I thank God for you. Losing you was devastating, but knowing there were other angels in Heaven waiting to take care of you, brought me comfort.

Happy due date Chase. Sorry it has taken me so long to acknowledge this, but I just couldn’t write out my thoughts and feelings until I was ready. I love Baby Chase. 💕

To The Grieving Mother on Mother’s Day… This One is For You.

It’s Mother’s Day. This is the day we celebrate all the mothers. We celebrate the women In our lives who have raised us, nurtured us and taught us how to be good people in our society. We celebrate the women who showed us unconditional love from the very beginning. This day is meant to be a celebration, but to many… it is a somber holiday.

Being a mother is a very special role. It is one of, if not the hardest job there is. That being said not all mothers are the same. When you think of a mother you likely will think of biological moms, step moms, foster moms, moms who have adopted and grandmothers. But what about the other moms in this world? What about the women who hold a mothering role in a child’s life, such as an aunt, cousin, friend, teacher, or mentor. What about the moms who have lost a child, whether it was a pregnancy loss, neonatal loss or loss of a child at an older age?


All of these women are just as much mothers, and hold a special place in our society and in a child’s life.


And let’s not forget all the women who want to be mothers. These women may struggle with infertility, illness, are choosing not to have children at this time in their life or suffer from recurrent miscarriages. These women are as much mothers to our society and to children in our world, just in a different way.

This mother’s day is also different as the Covid-19 pandemic has prevented some children from seeing and celebrating their mother’s today. It almost seems as if there is a grief in the air just from the pandemic. I feel that in it self has made this holiday especially somber this year.

Even though this is a holiday to celebrate all the mothers, it is sometimes a somber holiday for those who have lost a child, who are unable to have children, or who have lost their mothers. If you are reading this, and you have lost your mother, lost a child or are unable to have children, I just want to say… I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry this holiday brings up emotions of grief, guilt, anger, sadness, anxiety and dread. I’m sorry for the atmosphere of loneliness you feel on this holiday. I want to remind you though that you are not alone. Yes, your experience is yours, but their are so many of us who too have experienced that loss.


There are so many of us who have felt the pain that can be experienced in this life, even though we don’t talk about it.


So today, not only are we celebrating all the traditional mother’s out there, but we are remembering the mothers who have faced loss and heartache as well. I can tell you first hand, this day is not easy, but when the grief and loneliness become too much, remember to take care of you. Don’t have high expectations on yourself. Give yourself grace and love. Order food in, eat some chocolate, take a bubble bath, binge watch a comedy series, or stay in your PJs. Happy or not this day is about you and the love you’ve shared.

Today I will be taking it easy and remembering my babies I’ve lost because even though it hurts, they made me a mom. When the grief gets to be too much today, I will remember that I am not any less a mom because my babies are in Heaven.

I will end with this. It’s Mother’s Day, happy or not this is the day we celebrate and remember all mothers and to all the women who share that role. Thank you for all that you do and love that you’ve shared. I will be thinking of you today.

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

It’s okay to not be okay… and today I am not okay. A year ago today I was happy. I went to a doctor appointment that I thought would leave me joyous and thankful. Instead it left me with every emotion imaginable, and this is when my grief first began. I was 11 weeks pregnant. I was supposed have an ultrasound and hear my baby’s heartbeat for the very first time. Instead I heard the words “I’m so sorry, we can’t find a heartbeat.” Instead of feeling joyous, I left feeling empty and broken.

My life changed that day. I became an angel mommy. I had to learn how to let go of a child that I fell in love with but didn’t get to meet. I learned who my true friends and family were. I learned how incredibly common pregnancy loss is, even though no one talks about it. I learned that there are good people in the healthcare system who go above and beyond for their patients. I also learned how the healthcare system let’s so many women like me down. I learned how to grieve, how to live, and how to be happy again. It wasn’t easy, and trust me… I’m still working on it.

Grief is a burden that we all have to deal with in this life. There is no telling how or when you’ll go through it. But we grieve because we love. It hurts because we don’t want to say goodbye. It’s confusing because we don’t know how to handle it until it happens. But more often than not grief brings people together. Whether it’s losing a parent, losing a sibling, losing a friend, losing a child, losing a neighbor, a coworker or even someone well known… it hurts, and it unifies us.

So today I am not okay. I am giving myself permission to grieve my baby. I’m not going to feel guilty for not being my best today. I’m going breathe, rest and remember what I had before I had to say goodbye, and that’s okay.

I love you Mackenzie! Daddy and I miss you so much. 💕

My Challenge Working in a Nursery

You’d think that it would be unbearable to work in a nursery after losing two babies… but that’s actually not the case.

I work in a nursery approximately three Sundays a month. During this time we play with kids, have entertaining conversations and even create some beautiful works of art through arts and crafts. It’s fun. When I’m with kids, I rarely am sad about my kids. It’s interesting. Instead of being sad about loss, I just feel joy. I feel joy when I’m around kids, and I always have. Even when I visit friends with kids, I feel so blessed to be able to watch them parent, and watch these children grow into beautiful people.

So, my challenge of working in a nursery…. isn’t what you think. It’s not challenging because I am working with kids. It’s challenging because I feel joy, and I don’t know if that’s okay. Is okay that I’m not sad about my babies every second of every day? Is it okay I find moments to laugh, moments to be happy, and moments to live? Is it okay? I believe it is. I know, my babies would want me to be happy. I will ALWAYS miss them. I will ALWAYS love them, but I also know it’s okay to have a little joy.

I’m Not Sure How to Survive the Holidays with Grief in my Heart

To be honest, I’m not feeling very festive this Christmas. This past year has been a tidal wave of grief that I didn’t plan for, nor did I appreciate. On top of grief I’ve had other struggles including anxiety, depression, weight gain, self doubt and distress. Some might say this past year has made me stronger, and in many ways I believe that. But in this moment, this past year has only made me hate life.

When you’ve faced trauma, something changes in you. You see things differently, and you know things can get worse because you’ve lived it. When you’ve faced repeated trauma, not only are you traumatized, but also on edge. You’re just waiting for something bad to happen, or something else to go wrong. It’s exhausting, but if you’ve already been blindsided by trauma before, it’s almost an illogical effort to worry and fret for the bad things, in hopes that you will be somewhat prepared if they happen. I have lived this way almost every day this past year, and it’s really not anyway to live.


This Christmas was supposed to be different.


I have thought about Mackenzie everyday since she’s been gone. Losing her, has changed my life forever. She made me a mom. Even more, she made me an Angel mommy. This year I envisioned caring for an infant at Christmas time. Charles and I would head over to my parents on Christmas morning. She would be spoiled by her Grandma, and cooing at the cats and her Grandpa. She would be wearing the cutest Christmas jammies, and be smiling from ear to ear. Everything was going to be perfect as I celebrated my first Christmas as a mom.

Instead this year, I am celebrating Christmas as an Angel mommy. My baby Mackenzie will not be in her Christmas jammies, and my baby Chase will not be warm in my tummy. Instead I will be here loving and missing my babies, while Mackenzie and Chase will be in Heaven celebrating at Jesus’s grand birthday party. They will be having more fun than I can even fathom. As much as I want them here with me, I know they are safe and happy right where they are.

It won’t be easy… It won’t be easy this Christmas seeing friends and their baby’s first Christmas. But no one said this life will be easy. No one said we are all meant to take the same journey. And no said this world is prefect. So through my tears and heartache, I will get through this Christmas with my family, because my babies deserve to see me have joy my first Christmas as their mom. ❤️

When the Grief Hits You All at Once…

The day I lost Mackenzie, I immediately felt grief, heartache and denial. The day I lost Chase, I only felt sadness and denial. Having a natural miscarriage was a lot different than having a D & C. With a D & C you don’t see anything. You are sleeping and not traumatized by what you see. Where as with a natural miscarriage, I saw everything, and I continue to see it in my sleep through nightmares.

At some point shortly after my second loss, I started to have nightmares. I had nightmares I was bleeding heavily and couldn’t stop, then I would wake up. I continue to have these nightmares, that keep reminding me of my natural miscarriage. I also had flashbacks. I had flashbacks of the hospital, flashbacks of ultrasounds, and the night I was experiencing labor pains. These symptoms sounded to me a lot like PTSD, but I’m not a doctor. I ended up asking a counselor at some point and she said based on my symptoms and what I have gone through, it is likely I have PTSD.


I really don’t cry about the babies I’ve lost, not anymore.


I don’t feel like people understand why I cry. I’ve also expressed to Charles that I don’t want to talk about future children. I can’t even fathom that right now. I am more that willing to talk about our angel babies, but not future kids.

When did the grief really hit me? Well, it hits me when bad stuff happens. This year has been awful. If I were to name off all the crap that has happen, I’m sure you guys would agree. But when life gets really tough and I start to cry, I think I end up crying more for my babies than what I’m actually upset about. Because like I said before, I really don’t want to cry… but I need to.