New Possibilities

Life After Miscarriage, Miscarriage

No, this is not a pregnancy announcement or a trying to conceive announcement. This isn’t an announcement at all, but rather a vision for new opportunities. I love having friends and family who know me. I love having these people in my life who take the time to listen and care for my needs and desires as a person and as a woman.

Recently, one of my best friends gave me a gift. At first when I received the gift, I didn’t know how to feel or what to think. My friend Reaghan gave me a planner, but not just any planner. She gave me a Mommy To Be planner. This planner is specifically for expectant moms who want to organize and prepare for their baby’s arrival.

Now, I didn’t ask for this gift, and frankly I was a little shocked to have received it. After my first miscarriage, I knew I would eventually want to try and have another baby. But after experiencing a second miscarriage, I’m not really sure how I feel. I’ve had two pregnancies that ended with surgery, and trauma. I don’t know if I can bare another loss. I don’t know if my heart can take it. It scares me.

However, even though I’m not sure if I could handle another pregnancy, I am sure of something. I want to be mom. I believe I will be a mom somehow and in someway. Whether it’s through foster care, adoption, pregnancy, surrogacy, or ministry… I believe it’s what God has called me to do.

I think that’s why Reaghan gave me this gift. Not because she thinks I’m trying to get pregnant, and not because she didn’t know what to get me, but because she knows me. She knows I want to be a mom and she knew just what to give me in this time in my life, when I simply don’t know what the next step is. She is a true friend. ❤️

A Recap of 2019

Just Me Blogging

What can I say about 2019? This year has been life changing, hard, emotional, shocking, grief stricken, crazy, a whirlwind, encouraging and just down right challenging. Regardless, of the fact that the bad often out weighed the good, I’m thankful. Another year is in the books. I would like to take a moment and take a look back at my 2019.

In January…

I found out I was pregnant

I started my first internship at a government agency.

I became president of a student organization.

In February…

I saw my baby on ultrasound

I suffered my first miscarriage

I had a D & C

I switched internship sites, and started interning for the Sexual Assault Awareness Campaign on campus.

In March…

March is a blur.

I recovered physically from surgery.

Emotionally I was in a fog.

In April…

I presented on Trauma in my internship.

I received the Healing and Growth Award at my internship.

Started my Blog!!!

In May…

I celebrated my first Mother’s Day

I took a getaway to the lake shore with my husband.

I completed my internship.

In June…

Got diagnosed with hypothyroidism

Committed to a Summer of Self care

Started another internship

Reopened my Etsy Shop.

In July…

Published for the first time, my story in a magazine.

In August…

Started working out regularly.

Started my senior year of college.

Attended a University football game.

In September…

Got pregnant for the second time.

Honored my due date

Took a weekend trip to the cabin with my girls

Suffered a second miscarriage.

In October…

Started writing my book.

Became temporarily anemic

Celebrated Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

Hubby got in a car accident.

Applied and got approved for graduation in April 2020.

In November…

Decorated for Christmas

Hosted a Friendsgiving with my college friends.

Celebrated 3 years of marriage.

Cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner for my husband and I.

Presented a speech on miscarriage.

In December…

Finished my second to last semester of college.

Got another car.


All in all, this year has been a little crazy. I pray that the new decade and new year is sweeter, and smoother for everyone.

A Weekend Away to Honor My Due Date

Miscarriage, Pregnancy

On Friday September 13th, my best friends Alli, Andrea and I all took a trip to their family’s cabin. This was a well needed trip as not only did we all need a vacation and time to catch up with one another, but I also wanted to take time away to grieve and honor my due date. My due date with Mackenzie was technically on September 16th, but since that day landed on a Monday, we decided to take a weekend trip instead.

The night before leaving for our trip, I decided to share with Andrea and Alli that I was pregnant again. I sent them both a picture of my felt letter board declaring that I was 5 weeks. They both were very excited for us and even suspected I might be pregnant again.

On Friday evening around 5pm, we left for our trip. We were headed up north. We spent the car ride talking and catching up. On the way to the cabin we stopped to get gas, get some groceries, and even got some Subway. When we arrived at the cabin, we got everything situated including turning on the water, and bringing in our luggage. We spent the evening playing board games, and telling stories. It was the perfect way to start our weekend away.

The next morning we woke up to a site so incredibly tranquil. In the living room of the cabin, there is a beautiful front window that faces miles of woods and meadow. This scene is especially beautiful in the mornings as the sun is rising, and the sun shines through the leaves of the trees. That morning we were able to see this beautiful scene, along with deer frolicking through the woods, and the sound of birds singing their morning song. It was breath taking.

That morning I also told my parents about my pregnancy. I texted my Dad and Grandma a picture of my felt board, and I told my mom over the phone. My mom cried but seemed okay. My dad seemed okay but was cautious as well. Later, the three of us headed to Traverse City Michigan. This city was just over an hour away from our cabin. In Traverse City, we walked around enjoying some window shopping. We also took a stroll down to the lake shore and enjoyed beautiful Lake Michigan. Andrea and I relaxed and sat in the sand. Alli took a stroll down the shore.

As I sat on the shore, I took a few moments to soak it all in. As I heard the waves crash on to the shore, I went deep into thought. I was supposed to be having Mackenzie right now. I was supposed to be in labor and giving birth. I was supposed to be preparing to hold my baby. These were things I thought were supposed to be different. I reflected back to this last year, when 2019 began. I got pregnant. I was so scared, but so incredibly excited. I enjoyed my pregnancy, fell in love with my baby, and prepared to announce with my family. My heart shattered when we were given the news our baby no longer had a heart beat. I went through grief, surgery, thyroid problems, weight and postpartum struggles, depression and anxiety. I also started a blog, shared my story in Toi Magazine, got a job as an assistant editor, developed relationships and friendships with other wonderful women, and even started my own business. Lastly, I came to a place where I conquered my worst fear. Losing Mackenzie was the hardest event in my life I have ever experienced, but through it, as my momma would say, I have become resilient.


I am stronger and more resilient because of Mackenzie and because of what God has allowed me to go through. Due to this, I am filled with gratitude.


I continued thinking about how far I’ve come and where I am now. I am pregnant again, I thought. I had come full circle. I thanked God for this beautiful baby. I even thanked Mackenzie for sending us little Chase right when we needed him most. I held a tiny bit of guilt and feared I was replacing Mackenzie with this baby, but I knew I wasn’t. When I last visited Mackenzie’s garden, I asked her to send us another baby. I knew then that God would send us another baby in His timing.

When we returned from Traverse City, we all took a nap back at the cabin. After our nap we made dinner together. Homemade pizza and salad is what was on the menu. It was delicious and fun to cook together. For the rest of the trip, we continued bonding, telling stories and catching up on each other’s lives. Since Andrea and I were both pregnant, the conversation was often surrounded around pregnancy and comparing each of our pregnancies. I am really thankful to have been able to go on this trip with my girls, as well as go to the lakeshore to reflect and honor my due date.

I am Thankful… 30 Things I am Thankful for.

Just Me Blogging

It is officially November 1st! I can.t believe it. Time is sure flying by! It will be Thanksgiving before you know it. 🙂 Since it is November 1st, I have decided to write 30 things I am thankful for. Here we go……

1. Fall Colors and Changing Leaves 🍁

2. Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING! 🎃

3. My Parents ❤️

4. My Home 🏠

5. My Husband ❤️

6. Doughnuts 🍩

7. My Education… I’m Almost Done! 📚

8. My Job 💻

9. My Health 🍎

10. My Readers of My Blog ❤️

11. My Family ❤️

12. Medical Insurance ✝️

13. Nature 🌳

14. Michigan 🥧

15. Communication ☎️

16. New Recipes 🍰

17. My Angel Mackenzie ❤️

18. PJs 👚

19. Rainy Days ☔️

20. Buffalo Wings 🍗

21. Thanksgiving 🐔

22. Warm Blankets 🧶

23. My Friends ❤️

24. Netflix 📺

25. Coffee ☕️

26. Pumpkins 🎃

27. Jesus ✝️

28. Faith ✝️

29. New Clothes 👗

30. Our New Little Blessing ❤️

The Trying to Conceive (TTC) Lifestyle

Life After Miscarriage

Towards the end of summer, Charles and I started talking daily about kids and trying to conceive yet again. We stayed up some nights having long conversations about every possibility. What if we can’t get pregnant? What if we have another loss? What if I have to have surgery again? What if I have to go on bed rest? What I have an ectopic pregnancy? What if we have twins? How will we afford baby? When will we move to a bigger place? How will I take care of my mental health during pregnancy?….. Literally so many questions we would contemplate and ask each other daily. After many, many, many conversations we finally came to this conclusion. We can’t control everything. Anything can happen this next time around. So the real question was, can we as individuals handle it, and is our marriage strong enough to handle it.

We decided we wanted to start trying again at the end of summer, however we also agreed to keep each other accountable and not be obsessive about it. Our goal is to put our complete trust and faith in God, and what ever happens… happens. I decided to stop taking birth control at the end of July. I did this because I know birth control can stay in your system for awhile. It really wasn’t expecting to get pregnant again for at least a few more months. But we knew it was possible. We didn’t technically start trying yet in the sense that I wasn’t totally tracking my ovulation or anything, we just were no longer using protection.

During this time as well as all summer, I was doing everything I could to have a health trying conceive lifestyle. I wanted to be as healthy as I could for my next pregnancy. I made a lot of changes in my life including, limiting caffeine, faithfully taking my prenatal vitamins and thyroid medication; eating healthy such as healthy greens, working out regularly and teaching myself coping skills on how to better manage stress. With all these changes I knew I wasn’t going to be perfect, but also knew that making an effort wasn’t going to be for nothing.

One last thing I did at the start of our journey of trying to conceive was positive affirmations. I realized through friends and family that I have had quite a negative mindset since my last pregnancy. I am not very kind to myself and say things that should not be said to another human. I realized through reading books and talking to others that I needed to be kinder to myself, and I needed to have a positive mindset. For example; instead of saying things like “I will never be a mother.” I would say “I will be a mother someday soon, when God blesses me with another baby. Or “I’ll probably not be able to get pregnant or lose another baby.” AI would say “I am going to get pregnant and have a happy and healthy baby.”

It may sound silly but these positive affirmations were really useful in changing my mindset and giving myself hope. I was starting to get excited to pursue this journey of chasing our rainbow baby. Even though I didn’t know how long it would take or what the future would hold, I had faith that things were going to happen just the way they were supposed to happen.

Becoming Strong… Committing to a Weekly Workout Routine

Physical Health

As many of you know, one of my goals this summer was to workout, get stronger and lose weight. In the beginning of summer I focused more on my mental health, but towards the end of summer I began my new physical health journey.

Walking

One of the first things I started doing in order to be active is start walking. Since I worked from home it was very easy to sit in one place all day and work on my laptop. However after awhile I realized this was not a good habit I was developing. I then started walking around my apartment complex. I would start doing a couple laps a day about 4 days a week. It felt good to get moving again.

Going to the Gym

In late August, Alli and I got a gym membership at Planet Fitness. Two to three times a week we would go early in the morning for at least a good hour workout. We focus on a different muscle group each time including legs, core, shoulders and arms. Going to the gym has not been easy, especially early in the morning, but has totally been worth it.

Creating My Own Workout Routine

Between my fall semester starting, Alli’s busy schedule and other obligations, I decided to create my own workout routine at home. This routine consists of:

– 2 Minutes of Deep Breathing and Sun Salutations

– 10 Squats

– Warrior 1

– Warrior 2

– Warrior 3

– 20 Lunges

– 1 Minute Wall Sit

– 10 Triangles

– 10 Half Moons

– 1 Tree

– 20 Squats

– Butterfly

– 10 Cat/Cow

– 2 Pigeon

– Leg Stretches and Cool Down

I feel really good about getting active again. I hope to continue this lifestyle and see improvement very soon.

People Who Inspire Me: Meet Andrea

Just Me Blogging

Today I will be writing about my friend Andrea. Many of you may have heard me refer to my friend Andrea, or even read her blog post a few weeks ago. This amazing lady and I have been friends for 11 years. We’ve been through a lot together. We’ve seen each other grow, change and even ride the waves of this journey called life. So, without further or do I would like to introduce my friend Andrea.

Andrea is Kind… When Andrea and I met, I personally was preoccupied as I had to pee. However, when I was done Andrea being the kind person she is invited me to play volleyball. This was the very first kind invitation that started our whole friendship. Andrea has done many kind things over the years including volunteering at Operation Christmas Child, babysitting for friends, opening her home to others, and offering to pray for those who are struggling.

Andrea is Funny… I have always said Andrea has the best facial expressions. When she is feeling silly she will make a joke and end with the best facial expression. She cracks me up all the time.

Andrea loves Fellowship… Since we were younger, Andrea has always enjoyed fellowship and good conversation with others. We used to spend hours talking on the phone, and now we send daily Snapchat videos to each other. She loves having a coffee date and enjoying some pleasant conversation with others.

Andrea is a God-Fearing Woman… Andrea loves serving God and showing love to others. She has grown up in the church, studied for years in missionary training, and she loves diving into the word and becoming more intimate in Jesus.

Andrea is a Friend… Like I had mentioned in the beginning, Andrea and I have been friends for years. I have so many memories of sleepovers, late night talks, chocolate parties, watching Christmas movies, playing board games, going for walks, going to church and so many other fun memories growing up.

Andrea is a Mother… Andrea is an incredible mother to her son Azariah and her other little baby girl due in November. She is kind, selfless, energetic, funny, loyal and a strong mother to her beautiful babies. It warms my heart to have been able to watch Andrea to not only grow into a beautiful woman, but also become a strong and devoted wife and mother.

Things to Say and Do After a Woman Has Had a Miscarriage

Just Me Blogging, Miscarriage, Resources

A few months ago I wrote a blog post titled The Hurtful Things People Say and What not to Say After a Woman Has Had a Miscarriage. I had quite a response to this post, as not only did people find it helpful, but also encouraged me to write a follow up post about Things to Say and Do After a Woman Has Had a Miscarriage. So… here we go.

1. The Best Things You Can Say is “I Love You, I’m Here for You, and I’m Sorry for Your Loss”

Wouldn’t you agree that after someone dies, there’s not really much of anything that people can say to take the pain away. Even though people don’t like to see you hurt, they also don’t know what to say. And when it comes to experiencing a miscarriage, people really don’t know what to say. They can see your grieving, but they don’t feel the loss nearly as deeply because they didn’t meet or have a bond with the life that was once inside you. Unfortunately, our society does not know how to treat miscarriage as a loss or death.

When I was grieving and at my worst, people didn’t know what to say to me either. There were people who said a lot of the wrong things, and there were a lot of people who just left me alone. But the best things people said to me that were not hurtful, did not offer unsolicited advice, and were sensitive were: “I love you, I’m here for you, I’m sorry for your loss, if you ever want to talk let me know, I’m thinking about you and I’m praying for you.”

2. Offering to Clean, Cook and Run Errands.

You know how when someone dies, people make you food? Well, I really appreciated this. I don’t know why food is such a comfort, but it is. It seems that when people don’t know what to say they make food. I had a neighbor make dinner for my husband and I, a yummy dish from the Dominican… it was amazing. Our associate pastor and his wife made us chicken, green beans and potatoes…. so good. My sister in law, who worked all day invited us over and made us a feast! Bless her heart. And my Momma provided me with lots of comfort food when I was recovering from surgery. Food doesn’t make everything better, but in that moment of grief when you need something to numb it for awhile, food helps.

3. Pampering the Angel Mommy

Being pampered by friends and family helped me in many ways. My momma bought me a massage right before Mother’s Day. I had no idea how badly I needed it, until my tears and emotions came out all over the table. My husband went out and bought me chicken wings at midnight when I was having a really emotional night and couldn’t sleep. My bestie Alli came over in the middle of the night and we drove all over town eating Oreos. So many people did kind things for me, when I needed it most, I highly recommend this. Of course I also would recommend proceeding with caution and sensitivity.

4. Providing Space to the Grieving Couple

I feel this is super important. The Momma is not the only one that experiences a pregnancy loss. Sure, she is the only one that experiences the physical pain of loss, but it’s also important to remember that father’s grieve too. I know of many men, my husband included who not only struggle to help their wives grieve, but also felt somewhat disregarded when it came to their grief and emotions. So, it is super important to allow the grieving couple time and space. Even recommending a getaway could be beneficial… but again proceed with caution.

5. Check In

Hearing the worst news, that your baby is gone is heartbreaking. It honestly numbs you. Looking back now, I barely remember the time in between my ultrasound and my surgery, and the whole month of March is a blur. I do remember laying in bed a lot, eating occasionally, crying until my head hurt and listening to sad music. I also remember having people check in. It’s something I would have never asked for, but truly appreciated. I had friends and family call and text me daily just to check in and make sure I was alive. So many of them opened the doors for communication and gave encouraging words to my tender broken heart. I highly recommend checking in on a friend or loved one if they have suffered a loss. It’s not much, but also not to pushy. Even if they don’t respond it is still nice that people care for you when you are feeling so alone, Sure, there were many times I didn’t want to talk, but I still loved that so many people cared. ❤️

6. Be Sensitive with Your Words

This is a big one… and I can’t stress this enough. Please be very careful with your words. After suffering a loss your mind and your heart are in a truly fragile state. It is likely that the grieving mother is heart broken, constantly blaming herself and hating life. So, it is truly important not to contribute to these emotions of anger and sorrow by saying things like “You’re young you’ll have more, or You shouldn’t have stressed yourself out so much, or at least you already have a baby.” For my advice on what not to say after having a miscarriage, check out my additional post at the bottom of this page.

7. Honoring Their Loss

Above anything else I’ve said, I think this is actually the most important. One of the biggest fears that I and so many moms have, is that the child they have lost will be forgotten, as if that little life that lived in them had never existed. It means the world to me when friends and family talk about my baby. It may make me sad and weepy, but also makes me feel loved and my baby never forgotten. I really appreciate it when’s friends and family are sensitive and saying they are thinking of me on holidays and anniversaries, because they know it’s not going to be an easy day for me. Showing love and honoring the baby’s memory is literally the best thing you can do to help a woman after a miscarriage.


I am not an expert or doctor in anyway, just a woman, a writer and a woman who has lost a baby. I hope these little pieces of advice help in some way. If you are reading this and you have suffered an unimaginable lost, I just want to say I’m so sorry for your loss, reach out to me anytime and this was not your fault,

If you are interested in reading about what not to do after a woman has had a miscarriage, check out my post:

Wise Words from My Friend Andrea

Physical Health, Pregnancy

Hi, I’m Andrea! How do I know Kaylee, you ask? Well, Kaylee and I have been best friends for half our lives. If you ever get a chance to ask her how we met, do it. It’s quite the story! Today, I’d like to share with you about body image. However, before we dive into such a deeply personal topic, I should tell you a little about me. I enjoy crafting, hiking, anything nature-related, good conversations, board games, changing seasons, experimenting in the kitchen, and all things Christmas. Oh, and my husband is my favorite. We met in college (another great story for another time) and have been married for three years. We have an active, inquisitive 19-month-old son and are expecting a baby girl around Thanksgiving. 

Enough about me. Let’s talk body image.

Remember when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (William and Kate) had their first child and gave the public their first look at their new baby? In the photos released, a beaming but tired William and Kate snuggled their newest addition. Kate wore a beautiful dress that tucked in at her waist and revealed her postpartum baby bump. To my surprise, media in the US centered not on the sweet little bundle of joy, but rather on Kate’s newly postpartum body. I couldn’t believe that after waiting 9-10 months to meet their baby, the public was more interested in how small Kate’s waist was, the fact that her belly still bulged little, and other features not worth noting.

While stigmas surrounding body image affect every person, childbearing women especially experience this reality in a deep and raw way. Some women I’ve known have a newfound security in their body image while pregnant or even after birth, finding pride in what their bodies can do and how many incredible changes they face to nourish and care for a child. Other women face deeper and more extreme struggles when they don’t have the perfectly round baby bump they’ve always pictured, or stretch marks tear across new areas of their bodies, or they face pain with their previously normal activities such as walking, intimacy, or even sitting. 

Pregnancy has a way of impacting every portion of our being, from physical to emotional to spiritual. From the moment conception takes place, our bodies begin a long process of growing, changing, and morphing in new ways. With my first pregnancy, I pictured glowing skin smiling through morning sickness, a perfectly round little baby bump, and minimal weight gain that would slough off with a few months of breastfeeding. Boy, was I wrong. I was instead met with an overall feeling of puffiness from my face to my toes almost immediately after conceiving. My fatigue was overwhelming. I didn’t just feel tired. I looked tired. Acne popped up. When my bump began to show (much earlier than anticipated, I should add), I was met with more insecurity. I’ve always had a rough relationship with my stomach. Attracting more attention to an area I’ve always wanted to downplay brought up even more feelings of insecurity, especially considering the many unwelcome hands touching it (another topic altogether). Yes, I was absolutely thankful to be pregnant, but I just didn’t look or feel the way I had pictured. 

Once I was in the midst of the second half of my pregnancy, my weight gain – while in the healthy range on doctor’s office charts – felt like too much. My jeans were tight and my maternity shirts that had fit me at 18 weeks were creeping too high on my stomach while my bust pushed them too low on my chest. Everything was changing. By 30 weeks, my stomach had reached its limit for how far it could stretch. I tried creams, but my genetics won out. Stretch marks began to span across my growing belly. When I found the first one, I felt panic rise in my chest. “What?! This early?! How many more will I get before my baby arrives?” I’m glad I didn’t know the answer then. I needed time to accept and appreciate my changing body. 

Eventually, I couldn’t see my toes. I could hardly do a patchwork job of shaving my legs. I was too uncomfortable to do much of anything. Basic hygiene took loads of effort. I didn’t feel very human anymore. I used to be excited for this stage of pregnancy when I was obviously pregnant and feeling every movement of my little son…but the discomfort nearly outweighed the excitement. Then I faced guilt for feeling this way. Much of my pregnancy was not what I had pictured.

Then, the day came. The day. I gave birth to my miracle son, my sweet little boy. I had pictured this moment in my mind’s eye countless times. I’d heard women say everything in their world melted away the moment they saw their baby, and nothing else mattered. It’s a bit of a dramatized statement, but it holds some truth. Looking at my son and recognizing that I was his most crucial caregiver brought new perspective to my life. My dislikes about the current state of my body didn’t matter so much anymore. I had more to think about than the size of my waist or how many stretch marks I had acquired. 

Regardless of a shift in perspective, I still had the same body to sleep in, eat in, and see naked in the bathroom mirror. I had the same body to move in, breathe in, and use to care for my new baby. I had to come to terms with what it was. I remember lying in the bathtub at the hospital the first chance I had to bathe after birth. I was exhausted and thankful that I had completed the birthing process. Then, I looked at my stomach…and I couldn’t believe the words that came to my mind. “My stomach is floating.” That once-full belly with a little pregnancy fat and a little pregnancy stretch was floating. My stomach muscles were too tired and stretched to hold it. I felt another wave of panic. “Will my stomach always be like this?! How will I ever run again? How will I ever find another dress that makes me feel beautiful?” But thankfully, I was too tired to dwell on these things for long. 

In the weeks following birth, I was still too tired to do much fretting about what my body looked like. I was caring for a new life 24/7 and adjusting to a new level of responsibility and purpose for me. Eventually, as I emerged from the fog of caring for a newborn, my insecurities began to eat at me again. It took longer than I had imagined for my stomach muscles to tighten again. My extra weight wouldn’t budge much until I had stopped nursing my son. Yet, this round of dealing with insecurities looked different than it had throughout my pregnancy. This time, I had a newfound empowerment. Yes, I was stretched out, tired, scarred, and a few pounds heavier than I wanted to be…but I had carried a life. I wore the battle scars of nourishing another human from the inside out. I plumbed the depths of my heart and mind for strength I didn’t know I could ever muster during the most uncomfortable moments of pregnancy, in that birthing suite, and in the middle of the night fits of colic. And in those moments, I had the opportunity to reassess my purpose in life, and how that intense difficulty served to point me to the One who made me, sustains me, and gave me my son to care for. He gave me meaning and purpose and used even my lowest moments to teach me about himself and draw me in to his incredible grace and tenderness. 

Call me crazy, but I’ve found more confidence and strength in my postpartum body than I ever had in my pre-baby body with my flat, smooth stomach and well-exercised body. Defining my purpose and looking beyond the moment to remember it was more impactful than a few stretch marks could ever be. I’ve been scarred by childbearing…but the confidence I’ve found has meant more than any of my previous body ideals. And that confidence could only be found in seeing beyond the moment and shifting my perspective to my body’s purpose. I am so much more than my body. 

Whether you’ve ever experienced pregnancy, birth, or caring for a baby postpartum, you’re bound to at least experience some form of body image issues. Remember, your body is a vehicle to carry out your purpose in life. It’s not the prize at the end of a race. You have a chance to live every day in this vehicle that will continually morph throughout your life, with or without childbearing. And it’s worth it. Don’t let your body be what defines you. It’s about what you do with your body that matters. Who are you? What do you think? What makes you tic? How do you spend your time? What gives you purpose?

Breakfast with a Good Friend

Life After Miscarriage

On an early morning in May, my friend Hannah and I met at Bob Evans to talk and enjoy a nice breakfast. I’ve known Hannah for a few years. We’ve worked together and she even attended my wedding. I hadn’t seen her in a few years as she got a new job, and I moved and went back to school. Despite that, social media has helped us keep in touch. Hannah saw when I posted about my miscarriage, and a few weeks later she private messaged me and told me she too had recently had a miscarriage.

During breakfast we discussed the loss of our babies, the grief we were feeling and how we can heal and move forward. It was so nice to be able to talk with someone who understood and knew exactly what I was going through. Hannah too experienced the pain of miscarriage, and even though I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, I found it comforting connecting and finding fellowship in others who have experienced this loss too.

About a week later, I received a book in the mail. I was really confused as I hadn’t ordered anything recently. I opened up the package and it was a daily devotional from Hannah. She had a note that said thank you for being an inspiration to her. I felt so loved and honored. I never would have thought that sharing my story would have impacted people in such a positive way, but I am truly thankful it has.

Cutting Ties

Life After Miscarriage

The interesting thing about trauma, is we lose control. An absolute terrible event occurs and we are powerless with no way to stop it. Trauma effects everyone differently depending on what the event is and how we as people react. My personal trauma of suffering a miscarriage affected me in a very emotional way. I naturally am an emotional person. I am very in touch with my feelings. So, when something awful happens in my life I may cry, I may get depressed, I may get angry and I may just shut down. After I shared my story of my miscarriage, many people reached out to me. I was very thankful for their compassion, but I didn’t really have much to say in return… except thank you. This could have come off to people as stand offish, but honestly that was never my intention.

The day I lost the baby, I told one of my friends. This friend was very sad and sorry for our loss. Throughout the evening she kept asking me questions about my pregnancy. Questions that I had either already told her or didn’t really think were important to talk about that day. She asked me questions like Were you trying? Did you use protection? Were you on birth control? How did you get pregnant? It was question after question. I was still in a state of shock and was beginning to get frustrated. Why was she interrogating me with questions? I didn’t owe her anything. I’m sure she probably had good intentions, but it didn’t help. It hurt. After so many questions, I couldn’t take it anymore, I felt like through all the questions she was trying to imply either the miscarriage is my fault because I accidentally got pregnant or that I shouldn’t be sad I lost my baby because it was an unplanned pregnancy. I finally said “Why’s it matter now, my baby’s dead!” She apologized and after that we didn’t talk.

A month went by and I didn’t hear from her. I get that I yelled at her but I thought it was weird and somewhat hurtful she didn’t bother to check in on me. And who knows, maybe she did and I just never got the messages. She reached out to me again a month later and said she wanted to hang out. I was still really angry about our previous conversation and still wasn’t in a good place. We started fighting and I realized we were just going to continue to go back and forth. She herself wasn’t in a good place either for other personal reasons. So, even though it wasn’t easy, I made the hard decision of putting our friendship on hold. I told her, right now I did not want to be friends, and I still to this day think it was the best decision for our emotional and mental health.

Part of the reason I made this decision is because the blind can’t lead the blind. Two depressed people can’t take care of each other. We would end up destroying each other. Neither one of us had the strength to hold each other up. As much as I wanted to remain friends, I could feel myself resent her the more we would talk. I wanted to stop the bolder of my crazy emotions before I said something I regretted. Maybe in time we will be friends again, but for now I am going to work on myself so I remember the person I once was, let go of what I need to let go and take control of what I need to get a hold of.

A Trip to the Emergency Room

Miscarriage

The night of February 26th, I was absolutely restless. I tossed and turned in bed until about 12:30am. I finally got up and started pacing. I was still staying with my parents. My dad woke up when he heard me awake pacing throughout the house. My dad kept me company and talked to me throughout the night. My cramps kept getting worse the more my anxiety increased.

Around 3am I felt the need for comfort. Food and my dad’s company wasn’t quite meeting my needs. Honestly, I wasn’t going to be okay no matter what I did. I wanted my baby to be okay, but she wasn’t. I went down to my parents basement and found the garbage bags full of baby items that we had packed away two days ago. I dug through them in the dark until I found what I was looking for. I started to get frustrated and almost give up… and then I found it. I found Mackenzie’s quilt. The quilt that Alli made for her. The very first gift that Mackenzie received, but would never be able to use. I pulled the quilt out of the bag and hugged it tight. This is exactly what I needed, something to hold.

I headed back upstairs with the quilt in hand. I rested in the recliner chair in the living room and watched Jimmy Carson with my dad. Ever since I had received the news of our baby at the ultrasound, my arms ached. They ached and felt like I had recently carried a ton of bricks. I wasn’t sure if it was a side effect of grief or what exactly, so I did a little research. Apparently, some women experience pain and ache in their arms after a miscarriage. This is because of the psychological longing of wanting to hold their baby. This information gave me comfort. I wasn’t crazy. I was grieving a longing for my baby. Holding the quilt helped immensely. It wasn’t my baby, but it was a tangible item that gave me comfort.

By 5am I was absolutely miserable. My dad had given me 800 milligrams of ibuprofen and I was still in a boat load of pain. It hurt to sit. It hurt to lay down. It hurt to stand, and it hurt to walk. My cramps were intense and at least at a 8 on the pain scale. Every time I went to the bathroom I feared there would be blood, but there wasn’t. By 5:30am my gut told me to go to the ER. When I had scheduled my surgery the nurse said if my cramps became too painful or I was bleeding uncontrollably then I needed to be seen. So, as my dad got the car ready, I woke up my mom and we headed to the hospital. I called Charles on the way, and scared him out of his sleep. I felt kind of bad. He had two midterms that morning and I didn’t want to be selfish… but I needed him.


My trip to the ER is pretty fuzzy. I remember Charles meeting us there. I remember him holding my hand. I know I had a pelvic exam done and they said my cervix wasn’t dilating yet. I remember it was painful. I got a shot in the arm for my pain and it made me incredibly loopy. I remember the PA talking to me and telling me I was going to have my surgery tomorrow as scheduled. I also saw an ER doctor. He prescribed me Norco for my pain. He told me “Normally, it’s not safe to take when you are pregnant, but since you are not choosing to continue the pregnancy, it’s the best option.” His words hurt me. I wasn’t choosing to go forward with the pregnancy. Excuse me? I didn’t have a choice in any of this.

Even though it’s all a blur, the biggest thing that sticks out in my mind about the ER visit is prayer. I was furious with God. I had developed a hatred for Him and how He took away my baby… but at the same time I needed him. I was scared. I didn’t want to live this life but also didn’t want this pain anymore. I wanted God to either kill me or get me through because I couldn’t do this on my own. My faith was shaken but it wasn’t gone completely. I needed God to get me through this because I felt literally everything slipping out of my control.

Valentine’s Week

Pregnancy

The week of February 11th through the 15th was pretty crazy…..

On Monday February 11th, when I was 9 weeks pregnant, I finally had my first OB appointment. This was the intake appointment where we were asked many questions about both sides of our family history, as well as mine and my husband’s health. I also had the chance to talk with a social worker about any concerns, fears and resources that were available to us. This was such an exciting appointment. I was overwhelmed by so much support and resources to women in this community who are expectant mothers. I was also given a folder full of information and educational resources. Receiving this support gave me peace about the upcoming months of my pregnancy.


On Tuesday February 12th, I started my internship at FIRE. Parts of me were really excited to start this internship… while other parts of me were exhausted. I felt really behind and just wasn’t motivated to do anything. I was throwing up at least once a day at this point… either because I ate garlic or I simply ate too much. I was tired, it was snowy and I just wanted to hibernate for the rest of the winter. Everyone tells you how much your pregnancy hormones can affect you, but until I actually experienced it… I had no idea.


On Wednesday February 13th, we had yet another snowstorm over night, that covered most of Michigan. My university had yet again another snow day. Charles and I both were okay with this, as we just spent a nice day at home watching movies and relaxing.


On Thursday February 14th, was Charles’ birthday. It was also Valentine’s Day. On this cold morning we woke up around 6am. We headed to Denny’s to enjoy a nice breakfast while also getting Charles a free birthday meal. It was a very nice breakfast as talked and dreamed about Baby Rhames. We were getting so excited to start planning for her arrival. We knew that we weren’t going to have too many more dates before her arrival, so we definitely wanted to enjoy this time of just the two of us. Later that day, after going to classes and work we met up for dinner at the dining hall. We ate with some friends and during the meal I gave Charles a Valentine’s Day card. It was handmade and super cheesy, but he loved it.


On Friday February 15th, we had a busy day. I went to my internship at 9am. Charles picked me up at 1pm and brought me lunch and a mango smoothie. We headed 45 minutes away to get our taxes done. When we arrived at our tax person’s house (sorry, I’m not totally sure what his title is), we discussed with him our year and how we were expecting a little one in September. Unfortunately, we couldn’t claim baby on our taxes this year…. but next year for sure.

After completing our taxes, Charles and I stopped at Walmart because we both had to pee and couldn’t wait until we got home. After this experience… I am NEVER EVER EVER GOING TO A WALMART ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON AGAIN. This experience was honestly worse than Black Friday. Not only was it packed and Charles and I almost got hit twice just walking into the building… but the bathrooms were completely disgusting. Toilets were overflowing, diarrhea on the floor, people didn’t wash their hands, it was awful. I’m sure you can imagine how gross this is, but try imagining this while also being pregnant. When I was pregnant my sense of smell was superhero strong. So, if I got a whiff of something disgusting I would immediately engage in an involuntary gagging fit. And if I couldn’t stop, I would start throwing up…. which is exactly what I did. We both tried our hardest to get the heck out of there. So I repeat again, I will NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN GO TO A WALMART ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON.

Once we arrived back in our home town, I went to the lab to have my pregnancy glucose test completed. I was really nervous for this test as I had researched and heard about the challenges that gestational diabetes can have on a pregnancy. Never the less, I knew I still needed to get the test completed. As I sat in the waiting room for an hour, I watched other pregnant women and their kids. I was getting so excited to be a mommy. I was so thankful I had gotten this far in my pregnancy. I thanked God for these moments of peace, joy and excitement that overwhelmed me.

The Quilt

Pregnancy

On Saturday January 19th, my husband and I were having a very relaxing day at home. My friend Alli texted me and asked if she could drop by and give me something. I quickly tidied up my living room (…because I hadn’t done anything that day.) and prepared for her arrival. My pregnancy symptoms intensified each day. I became more sleepy, out of breathe when going up and down stairs, and the smell of tuna fish was not appealing… but no vomiting yet.

A little while later Alli and Kevin came over. Alli greeted me and said.

“I made your baby a quilt!” She handed it to me. I was so touched and wanted to start crying… yup, I was definitely pregnant. I held up the baby quilt and gushed over the cute little bears and sloths that were on every other little square, I hugged the quilt and then I hugged Alli. Apparently, she had been working on this little surprise pretty much since the day we found out I was pregnant.

I couldn’t believe it. This was the very first gift my baby received and I would cherish it always. ❤️


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Sharing the News!

Pregnancy

Telling Charles…

The night I found out I was pregnant, my friend Alli and I made a late night run to the CVS store just down the road for some prenatal vitamins. Alli stayed with me for a little while as I slowly overcame my shock and talked about all that I was feeling. We later got a text from Charles saying he was on his way home.

When he arrived and after Alli left, I tried my best to play it cool. In the last five hours, I had quickly realized I am really bad at playing it cool. When Charles saw my face he immediately knew something was up.

“What?” He said frozen trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

“I’m just happy to see you.” I said trying to work my way into the conversation… instead of just blurting it out like I wanted too.

“You can’t fool me, you look like you want to say something.” He said very persistent. Crap, I knew I wasn’t able to keep it together for long. He knows me too well. We made our way over to the couch. He started organizing his backpack and setting up his saxophone. “Just tell me.” He said.

“I took a pregnancy test…. and it…. was positive.” I said very hesitant. The reason I was hesitant is not because I was afraid he would be mad, it was more because it wasn’t planned and I just didn’t know how we were going to figure all this out.

“No you’re not.” He said sternly. Well, that response threw me off.

“Yes I am.” I said reassuringly.

“Quit playing.” He said. Okay, he was obviously in denial.

“I am… do you want to see the tests?” I said. I mean I wasn’t lying. Charles was quiet for what felt like forever, but really only about a minute.

“Okay, well I’m glad you told me. We’ll figure this out.” He said calmly. That’s the reaction I was looking for. Charles continued to be in shock for the next few days, but he slowly came around and got excited.


Telling Jeanie and Reaghan…..

Thursday January 10th, I was still in shock. Honestly, I was still in shock for a good two weeks. That particular day was very busy. I went to my internship from 8 – 3:30pm and then headed to campus for a meeting of the student organization I was apart of. When heading to the meeting I was slightly thankful that I hadn’t heard from my closest friends at school in awhile. To be honest, I was kind of avoiding them. I knew if they saw me, they would read it all over my face… because we’ve already established I’m really bad at playing it cool.

I walked into the building and headed up the stairs. I stopped when I saw Reaghan sitting on the stairs talking on the phone. Why is she here? I thought. She waved hi to me and continued talking on the phone. I suddenly got really anxious and didn’t know what to do. I walked up the stairs and then saw Jeanie. Oh crap…. I’m not gonna be able to hide this. I then walked back down the stairs. I considered leaving but realized I couldn’t because I was the Vice President of this group. I then headed back up the stairs and paused midway. Reaghan stopped talking on the phone and looked at me very concerned.

“Are you okay?” She said staring at me. Uh… no, I just found I’m pregnant and I’m freaking out. But it’s cool, I’m fine. I was so conflicted, but Charles and I weren’t ready to tell people yet.

“Yeah… I’m fine.” I said and quickly headed up the stairs. I saw Jeanie and asked her to follow me. We headed to my professor’s office. Now, this professor is not like any other professor. She is literally one of my biggest cheerleaders at school. She has helped me and Jeanie both so much on personal stuff and stuff pertaining to school. Sure, her assignments stress me out sometimes, but overall she is great.

Jeanie and I walked into my professor’s office. She greeted us and said she was excited to see us. I told Jeanie to close the door because I was literally about to burst.

“What’s going on? You look tired.” My professor said concerned. I stared at her and Jeanie and just let it out.

“I’m just really stressed and overwhelmed…” I started sobbing at this point. “And I just found out that I’m pregnant.” Both Jeanie and my professor gasped and covered their mouths. It was in sync. It was great. “So yeah, I’m tired.” Jeanie and my professor both stood in shock.

“Oh my gosh… are we happy about this?” My professor asked cautiously. I continued sobbing.

“Yes, I mean I’ve always wanted kids…. I just thought it would be once I’m done with school.” I said sobbing. My professor gave me a hug. I didn’t know it at the time but Jeanie texted Reaghan during this time. Reaghan entered the office.

“You have news?” Reaghan said. Jeanie and my professor looked at me eagerly.

“Kaylee has news.” Jeanie said excitedly. Reaghan looked at me. I pulled out my phone and tried finding a picture of the pregnancy tests. Suddenly, I was startled because Reaghan figured it out.

“Is it a baby?! YOU’RE HAVING A BABY!?…. Oh Kaylee, give me a hug!” I was then tackled by a group hug by Reaghan, Jeanie and my professor.


Telling Andrea…

Okay, so do you remember that show ICarly? Well, me and my friends used to like that show as teenagers. At some point when that show was really popular they had ICarly toys at McDonalds, and for what ever reason I got a ‘magic meatball’ from McDonalds that was part of the show. The magic meatball in the show was basically a magic 8 ball,

So, on the evening on January 10th, my friend Andrea sent me a Snapchat video. In the video Andrea explained that she found the magic meatball we had when we were kids. I honestly thought we got rid of it a long time ago. In the video Andrea held up the meatball and said “Magic meatball… is Kaylee pregnant?” She pressed the button on the magic meatball and it said “The answer is no.” She then said. “The meatball said no, I guess you’re not pregnant.” The video ended and I busted up laughing. What are the odds that she would ask me that the day after I found out. I texted Andrea and decided to break the news…. After all, she is kind of the reason I took the test in the first place.

Kaylee: The meatball said no?

Andrea: Yes… guess that’s how it is then.

Kaylee: It’s inaccurate then.

Andrea: Wait What!?!? Are you for reals?!

I then sent her the picture of the pregnancy tests.

Andrea: Oh my word Kaylee I’m so excited for you!!!!


Telling my Parents…

On Saturday January 12th, the shock was slowly starting to wear off. I started doing a lot of research on pregnancy, babies, diet and anything else I could think of. As much as these different materials helped, I really just wanted to talk to my mom. Charles and I talked it over, and we agreed it was okay if I told my parents. That morning I called my mom… and I chickened out. I told her I really needed to talk to her but I hesitated and asked her just to call me later. That evening she called me, and I knew I needed to tell her.

Mom: “Hi… you wanted me to call you.”

Kaylee: “Yeah… I um… have to tell you something.”

Mom: “Okay.” It was silent. “Go ahead and tell me.”

Kaylee: “I’m scared.”

Mom: “it’s okay, tell me.”

Kaylee: “Don’t be mad okay….”

Mom: “Okay, tell me.”

Kaylee: “I umm… was three days late for my period… so…. I took a pregnancy test on Wednesday… and um it said I was pregnant, and I took a second pregnancy test and that one also said I was pregnant.” My Mom was silent.

Mom: “………………ok………sigh……….ok………what does that mean regarding school?”

Kaylee: “Um, I guess I will have to go part time or take a semester off and finish up in June 2019.”

Mom: “Okay…… Are you okay?”

Kaylee: “Yeah, I’m okay…….. Are you mad?”

Mom: “No, I’m not mad…… Can you tell you’re Dad?”

Kaylee: “Yeah” I said hesitant.

My Mom handed my Dad the phone and said “You’re daughter needs to tell you something.”

Dad: “Hello.”

Kaylee: “Hi Daddy”

Dad: “Hi Sweetie, what’s up?”

Kaylee: “Don’t be mad okay….?”

Dad: “Okay” He said sounding confused.

Kaylee: “I umm… was a little late… so on Wednesday I took a pregnancy test and it said I was pregnant. Then I took a second one, and it also said I was pregnant.”

Dad: “Okay, WOW. Well…. congratulations. I know this wasn’t planned but I’m happy for you and Mom and I will be thinking about you and praying for you.”

Kaylee: “Thank you” I started to cry.

Dad: “What’s important now is that you get in to see a doctor so you can be taken care of, okay?”

Kaylee: “Okay”

Dad: “We love you, we’re always here for you. Congratulations.”

Kaylee: “Thanks Dad.”

Well, when telling my parents I actually expected complete opposite reactions from both of them. When I broke the news to my mom she was really shocked, and even admitted it in a text that evening. I expected her to be excited right away. My Dad on the other hand, I expected to be in shock like my mom was, but instead he was excited and very reassuring.