I am Thankful… 30 Things I am Thankful for.

It is officially November 1st! I can.t believe it. Time is sure flying by! It will be Thanksgiving before you know it. 🙂 Since it is November 1st, I have decided to write 30 things I am thankful for. Here we go……

1. Fall Colors and Changing Leaves 🍁

2. Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING! 🎃

3. My Parents ❤️

4. My Home 🏠

5. My Husband ❤️

6. Doughnuts 🍩

7. My Education… I’m Almost Done! 📚

8. My Job 💻

9. My Health 🍎

10. My Readers of My Blog ❤️

11. My Family ❤️

12. Medical Insurance ✝️

13. Nature 🌳

14. Michigan 🥧

15. Communication ☎️

16. New Recipes 🍰

17. My Angel Mackenzie ❤️

18. PJs 👚

19. Rainy Days ☔️

20. Buffalo Wings 🍗

21. Thanksgiving 🐔

22. Warm Blankets 🧶

23. My Friends ❤️

24. Netflix 📺

25. Coffee ☕️

26. Pumpkins 🎃

27. Jesus ✝️

28. Faith ✝️

29. New Clothes 👗

30. Our New Little Blessing ❤️

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (October 15th)

Today is the day we remember. We remember the babies gone too soon. Whether you are a mother, father, sibling or grandparent of an angel, this is a day set aside for you. Coming from someone who has endured a painful loss, I can tell you first hand that this day of remembrance is not the only day I remember my baby. I remember my baby everyday.

Today October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Our past president Ronald Reaghan proclaimed this day many years ago. In honor of this day and the many babies that are gone too soon, people often light a candle in honor of their baby.

If you or someone you know has lost a little life, I strongly encourage you to light a candle in honor of the baby gone too soon. I also want to say whether your loss was a week ago, a year ago or 30 years ago… I am sorry for your loss and I am sending you love today.


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People Who Inspire Me: Meet Andrea

Today I will be writing about my friend Andrea. Many of you may have heard me refer to my friend Andrea, or even read her blog post a few weeks ago. This amazing lady and I have been friends for 11 years. We’ve been through a lot together. We’ve seen each other grow, change and even ride the waves of this journey called life. So, without further or do I would like to introduce my friend Andrea.

Andrea is Kind… When Andrea and I met, I personally was preoccupied as I had to pee. However, when I was done Andrea being the kind person she is invited me to play volleyball. This was the very first kind invitation that started our whole friendship. Andrea has done many kind things over the years including volunteering at Operation Christmas Child, babysitting for friends, opening her home to others, and offering to pray for those who are struggling.

Andrea is Funny… I have always said Andrea has the best facial expressions. When she is feeling silly she will make a joke and end with the best facial expression. She cracks me up all the time.

Andrea loves Fellowship… Since we were younger, Andrea has always enjoyed fellowship and good conversation with others. We used to spend hours talking on the phone, and now we send daily Snapchat videos to each other. She loves having a coffee date and enjoying some pleasant conversation with others.

Andrea is a God-Fearing Woman… Andrea loves serving God and showing love to others. She has grown up in the church, studied for years in missionary training, and she loves diving into the word and becoming more intimate in Jesus.

Andrea is a Friend… Like I had mentioned in the beginning, Andrea and I have been friends for years. I have so many memories of sleepovers, late night talks, chocolate parties, watching Christmas movies, playing board games, going for walks, going to church and so many other fun memories growing up.

Andrea is a Mother… Andrea is an incredible mother to her son Azariah and her other little baby girl due in November. She is kind, selfless, energetic, funny, loyal and a strong mother to her beautiful babies. It warms my heart to have been able to watch Andrea to not only grow into a beautiful woman, but also become a strong and devoted wife and mother.

My Besties’ Gender Reveal Party

On a lovely Friday evening in July, my best friend Andrea held a gender reveal party at her parent’s house. The party was at 7 but I went early to help her and Alli set up. Going to help prep the party was just like the good old days of baking together, making messes in the kitchen and laughing the entire time.

Even though I was still dealing with some emotions and grief, I was surprised by how well I was handling everything. I was and am so incredibly excited for Andrea. I love seeing her be an amazing mommy to her son, and I can’t wait for her to be a mommy to her baby that is due very soon.

At 7 o’clock we all gathered around the table. We took pictures and watched as Andrea and Zeb excitedly cut the cake that would soon reveal the big secret that was brewing. Zeb carefully served the first piece of cake on to the plate and the gender was revealed…

“It’s a Girl!” Andrea declared with a huge smile on her face. All of her family cooed with excitement, as I tried my best to keep a smile on my face. In that moment the real and raw pain of grief hit me all again. My baby is gone. It’s not fair. It still hurts. I tried my best to keep it together. I watched as Andrea’s mom cried, and cheered that her grandson was going to get a sister. I had to look away at this point, because I was overloaded by too many emotions all at once. I remembered closing my eyes and doing my best to try and muster up enough strength to show my happiness for my friend.

While my eyes were closed I got a huge hug from her mom. She was crying with happiness but also with sadness. She new my story and she new my pain. “I’m so sorry.” She said holding me. Tears whelmed up in my eyes and we had to step away. We went into the next room and talked. She was loving and kind. She probably still has no idea how much I needed that hug.

So, going to the gender reveal party did not go the way I had expected. I thought I would do fine, but when it comes to grief it can strike at any time. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. Andrea was very understanding at how I felt and I truly appreciate that. Though it’s hard sometimes for me to see other expectant moms, I am super excited for Andrea and to meet her precious baby girl.

My Top 10 Favorite Things About Fall

Fall is my Favorite!

Fall is my favorite season. I love everything about fall. Anything from the colorful trees, to the doughnuts… I just love it! Fall is my happy place! Since I love fall so much, I have decided to share my top 10 favorite things about Fall.

My Top 10 Favorite Things About Fall

  1. Changing Leaves – I love seeing the leaves change in the fall. Here in Michigan it can be absolutely breath taking seeing red, orange, yellow and brown being displayed through out our beautiful state.
  2. Doughnuts – I would have to admit that doughnuts indeed are my love language. What’s funny is I am really not a bread person. I don’t like a lot of bread but I love the sweet, and fulfilling goodness of a doughnut… especially in the fall.
  3. Sweater and Hoodie Weather – I love to layer and be comfy in my clothes. I get so excited when it is just cool enough that I can throw on a hoodie, or look stylish and comfy in a sweater, leggings, boots and a beanie.
  4. Fall Scents – I get so excited to smell fall, I know sounds crazy to say. But I do. I love smelling pumpkin, cinnamon, apple, smores, vanilla and everything in between. I am one of those people who looks forward to a pumpkin spice latte every fall at Biggby. I am also one of those people who enjoys the new fall scents at Bath and Body Works.
  5. Football Games – I get so hyped for football games at my college. It just feels like fall when I am sitting in the stands, wearing my hoodie and cheering on my team.
  6. Back to School – Even though it may be stressful for some, back to school just puts me in a good mood. It just feels like a new beginning with new goals and dreams I have yet to accomplish. Plus, I love catching all the good back to school supplies deals.
  7. The Apple Orchard – I have many fond memories of going to the apple orchard as a child and as an adult. As a child I can recall picking apples, eating doughnuts, going on hay rides and milking a goat. As an adult I can still recall picking apples, eating doughnuts and even accompanying preschoolers on field trips to the apple orchard.
  8. Fall Vibes – For some reason I feel like here in Michigan, people are a lot happier in the fall than they are in the spring. It’s almost as if many of us Michiganaders enjoy the cool weather of fall right after a hot summer. Whereas we are slightly grumpy in the spring because we are still somewhat holding a grudge after the brutal winter we had just experienced.
  9. I Met My Husband in the Fall – Someday I will likely share our love story, but for now I will share how we met. My husband and I met on September 4th, in Spanish class at our local community college. I was sitting at a table by myself in the front of the class, and he came to sit by me… and the rest is history.
  10. My Wedding Anniversary – My Husband and I got married on November 12th , 2016. it was beautifully fall themed with doughtnut holes, apple cider, fall leaves, pumpkins… you name it, we had it. Fall is a very special time for us.

Thanks for reading my Top 10 Favorite Things About Fall! What are your favorite things about Fall?

Making Peace with God

So I’m gonna be honest… I have been dreading writing this post. It’s not because it’s hard, I’m lazy or I just don’t want to talk about being restored in Jesus. I mostly think, my hesitation for writing this post is because I am so humbled and gracious for all God has provided for me. I am also feeling somewhat guilty for how I have treated Him.


Before I really dive into this post, I should give you a little background of my beliefs and faith. I grew up going occasionally to a white nondenominational church. I did this off and on with my aunt until I was about 10 years old. When I was 11 I started attending a weekly bible study with my friend and even attended Lake Ann Camp for a week. It was here that I asked Jesus into my heart and to forgive all my sins. I was born again. When I was 12 I started going with my best friends to a larger white baptist church. I faithfully went to that church for about 6 years. At this church I attended many church camps, found growth and strength in my relationship with Jesus as well as wonderful fellowship with friends. I also was baptized and learned how to be a God fearing, woman of God. When I was 19 I attended my first mission trip. I knew of many people who had been on mission trips and claimed they were life changing, but I didn’t believe it until I experienced it. I traveled to Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic where I met so many children, created food packages, clothing bundles and even helped build houses for widows and their children. This trip changed my life. At 19 I also started teaching 2 and 3 year olds in children’s church. Even though I felt lost in the church, I was slowly starting to discover my purpose.

When I was 19 almost 20, I decided to start attending my husband’s black nondenominational church (we were only dating at the time). Part of the reason I made the switch to a new church again is simply because, I just felt lost not knowing my identity in church or feeling like I had much of a church family. At this church it was smaller and I felt more at home and accepted. It was here my relationship with Jesus really took off. I was able to grow in skills of faithfulness, trust and even obedience.


“We got married in the same church my grandparents were married in 50+ years ago.”


Before meeting my husband, I had developed boundaries, and goals of what and how I would like to be pursued by a man, how I wanted to engage in a courtship instead of a dating relationship, and what I would like as far as values and characteristics of my future husband. When I met Charles, he wasn’t totally familiar with courtship, but he completely valued a Christian based relationship. We courted for two years, and were engaged for three months. We got married in the same church my grandparents got married in 50+ years ago. Our wedding was beautiful with traditional vows, our first kiss at the alter, and the moment I gave my purity ring to my groom. I wouldn’t change a thing.


Fast forward to January 2019, when I became pregnant. Charles and I had been married for two years and two months. Both still faithful Christians, going to church at least every other week, and thanking God for all that we have. I was content and even excited in where I was. I was pregnant, about to be a mom. We shared this news with my church family, and they rejoiced with us. Everything was great, not perfect but pretty close.

My heart and all my hopes and dreams shattered when we lost MacKenzie. Since there was no concrete reason for such a terrible loss, who could we blame? Well… unfortunately, I chose to blame God. The one being who is In charge of the whole universe, I assumed He had control over this situation and He let me down. I would even go so far to say at the time I hated Him. I cringe at even admitting that. But it’s true. My anger and my hatred was so strong at myself and at God.


“My anger and my hatred was so strong at myself and at God.”


The time between my ultrasound and by surgery, I didn’t really pray much. I think if I did it was just asking things like “Why God?” and “How could you?” I know I worried I would end up miscarrying naturally, before my surgery, but I don’t think I prayed about it. I had hundreds of people praying for me, which was comforting because at the time I just didn’t have the strength. The only time I remember praying was as I was getting rolled to the operating room. I was so sad. I wanted to die. However, I didn’t want to die and hurt other people. I couldn’t bare imagining dying and leaving my friends and family behind to grieve and mourn my loss. So, I prayed. I asked God to get me through. When I woke up from surgery I cried, screaming and told God I hated Him. It was awful. I was still under anaesthesia but I felt like I was watching myself scream from outside my body. I’m ashamed at how I was acting. But honestly, this is what heartbreak looked like.

The weeks following the miscarriage, I continued to fall into depression and blame God. It really hurt my husband to see me like this. I refused to go to church for over a month. I didn’t want anyone to say anything to set me off. I also just didn’t want to come to Jesus and praise His name. So I didn’t. I cried at home, and journaled instead.

By about 5 weeks after the miscarriage, I decided to go back. It wasn’t because I wanted to find comfort in Jesus, it was because I missed my church family. When we went back we were greeted by some kind words as well as some not so helpful words. Most people at the church knew what had happen, but still didn’t know how to react. Once I was there, I was ready to leave. I didn’t want to be there anymore, I came to church but that’s it. That was enough for me at the time.


” I don’t really think I had one ‘Come to Jesus’ moment, but rather a bunch of little moments…”


So, looking back I don’t really think I had one Come to Jesus moment, but rather a bunch of little moments that helped me. After many conversations with my mom, she helped me see that having a baby in Heaven who is perfect, living joyfully and without pain is sometimes better than having a baby here on earth who is sick and in pain all their life. Seeing various rainbows in the sky, gave me peace. It was like a spiritual humbling peace, that showed me that my baby was okay up in Heaven. Going to church and having my sister-in-law pray over me was also so powerful. She just kept saying something good would come out of this, double for my trouble so to speak. But the most surprising moment that happen, was more about Charles grief than mine. As we were praying at church one day, he just burst out crying. He was crying in anguish and devastation that mirrored my own devastation and heart break. This was a side of him I had never seen before.


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Through all of these moments and more, I realized yet again there is an all powerful and loving God. He is the creator of the universe, the planets and the stars… and yet He cares for me! He loves me. I am just a spec on this large planet, but to Him I am everything. I am His daughter. i was wounded, I was angry, and I was broken… and He still loved me. My baby died, but it wasn’t His fault. He allowed it to happen for a reason. The reason being she would have been in pain here on earth, and he knew if I had to watch her in pain everyday, that would have destroyed me more than miscarrying her. He is a gracious and good God.

It has taken me a really long time to get here, but I have. I’ve made peace with God. Even though it hurt, and it still hurts I know it happened for a reason. I know I have a little baby up in Heaven watching over me. I know she is living her best life probably chasing a butterfly. I know she’s okay.

I cry as I write this because I was so awful. I was wrong. Jesus took my baby home, for everyone’s best interest, and for that I am grateful. He is good. I’ve made my peace. I’ve said I’m sorry and I’m trying to do better. I can’t believe I’m saying this but, I am thankful for this lesson of grief and love. I am so thankful I was able to carry my baby, if only for a short time. And I am so thankful that even though I constantly pushed Him away, Jesus never left me, and when I came running back to Him… He welcomed me with love and open arms.

“Be Still and KNOW that I am God.” – Psalms 46:10

Breakfast with a Good Friend

On an early morning in May, my friend Hannah and I met at Bob Evans to talk and enjoy a nice breakfast. I’ve known Hannah for a few years. We’ve worked together and she even attended my wedding. I hadn’t seen her in a few years as she got a new job, and I moved and went back to school. Despite that, social media has helped us keep in touch. Hannah saw when I posted about my miscarriage, and a few weeks later she private messaged me and told me she too had recently had a miscarriage.

During breakfast we discussed the loss of our babies, the grief we were feeling and how we can heal and move forward. It was so nice to be able to talk with someone who understood and knew exactly what I was going through. Hannah too experienced the pain of miscarriage, and even though I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, I found it comforting connecting and finding fellowship in others who have experienced this loss too.

About a week later, I received a book in the mail. I was really confused as I hadn’t ordered anything recently. I opened up the package and it was a daily devotional from Hannah. She had a note that said thank you for being an inspiration to her. I felt so loved and honored. I never would have thought that sharing my story would have impacted people in such a positive way, but I am truly thankful it has.

Grief & Mercy Blog Q & A: I am answering all your questions about miscarriage, grief, healing, recovery and my personal experience

Back in June I asked the question on my Instagram stories “What questions do you have for me?” The following is a list of questions that were sent to me from my followers.

1. How do you deal with friends after a loss?

This seems like a very broad question, but I will try and answer it as best I can. I had many friends after my loss show compassion, while I had others who lacked empathy. I think the best advice I can give you is just to be honest with your friends after a loss… as hard as that might be. Be honest about how you’re feeling and doing. Don’t sugar coat it and say “I’m fine.” When in reality you’re not.

Secondly, I would also suggest being honest about telling them what you need. If you need company, invite them over. If you need to be left alone, tell them and be willing to set that boundary. I guess the biggest thing I am trying to say, is just be honest. I really struggled with being honest and open with my friends and family after my miscarriage. I didn’t want to tell people what I needed because I was stubborn and didn’t want to ask for help. Eventually, I swallowed my pride and started being honest and asking for help. Once I did this, it allowed many lines of communication to open which helped me and my different relationships entirely.

2. What were some thing’s that people said to you that were helpful after your miscarriage?

After my miscarriage, I dealt with a lot of people who either didn’t know what to say, or said the wrong thing. However, there were a few people who said things that were truly helpful and sincere during my grief. I am currently writing a whole post covering this question. However, I will share with you now a few things that were helpful after my miscarriage.

I really appreciated it when people said things like…..

I’m sorry for your loss.

My heart breaks for you.

I’m here for you if you need anything.

I’m praying for you.

It’s okay to be sad. You grieve the way you need to grieve.

3. Any Advice for first day back at work after 20 week miscarriage?

For the person who sent me this question, I first just want to say I am very sorry for your loss. I also want to say thank you for reaching out to me. I guess the best advice I could give to you or anyone is to be gentle on yourself. It can be extremely challenging returning to work and everyday life following a miscarriage or any sort of trauma. I would encourage you to ease into this transition back to normal slowly. I would also like to encourage you to be kind to yourself. Reward yourself for little victories.

4. Do you find it difficult when other women around you are pregnant?

Yes! It is extremely difficult. Parts of me wishes so much that I was still pregnant, while other parts of me worries and has anxiety for women I know who are pregnant. I hope and pray all the time that they don’t experience the loss that I had.

5. What healing looked like, what you learned, how you can use your experience to help others?

Healing I feel is a life long process. It is enveloped in the grief process, and is felt and experienced in many moments throughout a life time. It changes you. The biggest thing about healing, is allowing yourself to feel the grief. Allowing this anguish allows us as humans to move forward in life. You gotta feel it. You gotta face it, or you won’t move forward. I found healing in various activities including writing, knitting, spending time with friends and family, taking pictures and so much more. It’s a never ending journey.

6. How did you get back to feeling like yourself again?

This is kind of a complex question, but I think the simplest answer is I got back to feeling like myself again by choosing to move forward and choosing to heal. I chose to talk about my miscarriage. I allowed myself to cry. I encouraged myself to write my story.

7. Do you regret telling people you were pregnant before you Miscarried?

Not really. This thought crossed my mind after we lost the baby, but I’m thankful people knew I was pregnant and then lost my baby. I’m thankful I had people around me for love and support.

8. Why are you so amazing?

Okay, so my bestie sent me this question. Haha! Thanks girl! I don’t know if I am that amazing so I wouldn’t even know how to answer that question.

Thanks for all the questions! Again I’m no expert, but I’m here to help and here to listen. ❤️

The People Who Reached Out to Me

The days, weeks and even months after we lost our baby; I had many people reach out to us and show us support. The topic of miscarriage is such a taboo topic. People don’t know how to talk about it. People don’t know how to handle it. It’s sad, especially since it’s so common. I believe one reason people don’t know how to deal with it, is because it boils down to beliefs and when we as people believe when life begins. Now, I’m not about to turn this post into a discussion of abortion… or at least that’s not my intention. But I do want to point out that since some people believe life begins at conception, while others believe life begins when a heart starts beating, and still others believe life begins once a baby is born; then that may be why people don’t know how to handle the topic of miscarriage. They don’t believe miscarriage is a big deal because they don’t believe a woman has lost a baby. They believe a woman has lost a ball of cells or tissue that was turning into a baby. Coming from someone who has had a miscarriage, that makes me feel like my experience, my loss and trauma was insignificant, and that’s not fair. Now, this is just my opinion and coming from my perspective but I believe life begins at conception. Whether I lost my baby at 8 weeks or 8 months… it still hurts. It’s still a loss. I will forever grieve that loss.


Despite the fact that miscarriage has a stigma and is such a taboo topic, I was definitely greeted by many woman who gave both me and my husband love and support through one of the most challenging times in our lives. My friend Alli was a major support for me. She came to the hospital when I had my D & C, she messaged me and checked on me everyday for weeks just to make sure I was still breathing and getting through each day. She would come over at a moments notice or take me out when I just needed to get out of the house. She would listen to me vent, give me advice and just find ways to make me smile even when I didn’t think I would be able to smile again. I have been friends with Alli for over ten years and I am eternally grateful for her friendship and all she’s done for me in my life.

My friend Christa was very kind as well. She would send me funny videos of her lip syncing songs and just goofing around with Snapchat filters… anything to make me laugh. She also sent me encouraging videos, telling me it was okay to be sad and it was okay to grieve any way I needed to. I talked to her on the phone a few days after my surgery and it was so comforting to talk with someone who just listened. She is a great listener.

My friend Reaghan was also a really good listener and empathetic. I tell Reaghan all the time she should be a counselor. She literally has a good sense of when to speak up and when to be silent and just listen. There were days I needed that. There were days I would go through every emotion of sadness, anger, depression, joy and everything in between. Reaghan would never interrupt me through my cyclone of emotions. She would sit and listen but also jump in and remind me that this miscarriage was not my fault. I’m so grateful for her.

My friend Andrea was also very helpful. When I told her the news about my baby, she was devastated. With her being a new mom herself, she couldn’t imagine the pain I was going through, and was also heartbroken for me. When talking to Andrea, I knew I could be brutally honest with her. I told her I didn’t want to feel this pain anymore. I told her I wanted to die. She was very supportive and encouraging, even though I wasn’t very accepting of her encouragement at the time. She said she would walk through this journey with me, and she sure has. She also reminded me it’s okay to be angry at God. We can be angry and we can be confused of His reasons why. It’s okay. I’m very thankful for her and her encouragement.

My mom… she has been my biggest support from my pregnancy all the way until now as I write this. After losing a child herself, she knew all too well the pain and loss I would go through when we found out my baby had died. Even though she didn’t have a miscarriage, and my brother died as an infant, she understood the loss of a baby, loss of control, and the loss of the dreams when losing a little life. She has understood and helped me navigate through every phase of the grief process. When I was little, I remember asking her “What if I lose a baby too?” It was a question I was scared to ask, but couldn’t help that it crossed my mind. My mom said “Well, I guess it just means we were both meant to go through it.” This answer scared me, and I hoped and prayed I never would have to go through it… but unfortunately I did. It sucks. Death is awful and apart of life. Grief takes a lot out of us. Trauma makes us remember we are not in control. So, through this experience even though it sucks, my mom and I have been able to bond and grow closer than we ever have. I thank God for her every single day.

My friend Jeanie also helped me navigate the grief process. She recently lost her uncle and knew all too well how grief can feel never ending and hit you when you least expect it. There were many times I would become triggered or simply fall apart, and she was almost always right there to hold me and tell me to feel what ever I was feeling. It was nice to know I wasn’t alone and she made it safe for me to let out my emotions. I’m thankful for her.

My internship coordinator Danielle was also very supportive to me. She believes self care is super important, and helped me not to feel guilty when I needed to take care of myself after my loss. She has been so incredibly understanding through everything. She has helped me through triggers and panic attacks. She reminded me the importance of being gentle and taking care of myself. She encouraged me on every little accomplishment I’ve made and helped me reach my goals. Lastly she has encouraged and educated me on how to be an advocate for miscarriage and infant loss. She has helped me reach my dreams.

All of my professors this past spring semester were also helpful and understanding through my loss and miscarriage. Without me even asking, they offered me incompletes, extensions on assignments and everything I needed to succeed this past semester. It was hard at times to be open with both of them about what I was going through, but because I left that line of communication open, they were willing and able to work with me and help me succeed.

My friends Maryanne and Ally offered me many prayers through my grief along with so many others. I didn’t truly realize how strong the power of prayer can be, until my husband and I experienced this loss. I didn’t understand how a loss can bring people together and encourage people to support each other. I am so thankful to everyone who sent good thoughts and prayers to me and my husband.


Another thing that surprised me when I decided to share my story, is how many people came forward and told me they too had had a miscarriage. They too understood the pain and loss that I was experiencing. They too knew just what to say in order to help me in this difficult season in my life. I had one friend who messaged me and told me she thought I was very brave for sharing my story. She said she herself her suffered a miscarriage with her first pregnancy and suffered in silence. She now has her beautiful rainbow baby. She has been such an inspiration to me. I had another friend reach out to me and send me bible verses, gospel songs and words of encouragement as she too experienced a miscarriage a few months prior. I had another women private message me and tell me they had had miscarriages many years ago, and now they have other living children of whom are healthy and doing well. But they all told me they never forget the babies they lost and how they can’t help but wonder who those children would be if they weren’t called home so soon. I also had another woman message me who has suffered many miscarriages, and now has two children whom she has adopted.

All these women who reached out to me, have truly inspired me and helped me as I grieve and heal after my miscarriage. I never in a million years thought I would become a part of this club that has babies in Heaven. It’s not a club you ever wish to be a part of. But there’s something about all these women, as well as myself that we all have in common. I firmly believe we have an angel in Heaven watching over us. Through the loss of losing our babies, we look at life differently. We learn to appreciate the little moments, and even find some strength in our short comings. I personally, also have found comfort in God, and how yes He called my baby home and it hurts, but I find comfort in knowing she never felt pain. She is in a beautiful place where she is living her best life and watching over me.

“There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child who never comes.” – David Platt

Cutting Ties

The interesting thing about trauma, is we lose control. An absolute terrible event occurs and we are powerless with no way to stop it. Trauma effects everyone differently depending on what the event is and how we as people react. My personal trauma of suffering a miscarriage affected me in a very emotional way. I naturally am an emotional person. I am very in touch with my feelings. So, when something awful happens in my life I may cry, I may get depressed, I may get angry and I may just shut down. After I shared my story of my miscarriage, many people reached out to me. I was very thankful for their compassion, but I didn’t really have much to say in return… except thank you. This could have come off to people as stand offish, but honestly that was never my intention.

The day I lost the baby, I told one of my friends. This friend was very sad and sorry for our loss. Throughout the evening she kept asking me questions about my pregnancy. Questions that I had either already told her or didn’t really think were important to talk about that day. She asked me questions like Were you trying? Did you use protection? Were you on birth control? How did you get pregnant? It was question after question. I was still in a state of shock and was beginning to get frustrated. Why was she interrogating me with questions? I didn’t owe her anything. I’m sure she probably had good intentions, but it didn’t help. It hurt. After so many questions, I couldn’t take it anymore, I felt like through all the questions she was trying to imply either the miscarriage is my fault because I accidentally got pregnant or that I shouldn’t be sad I lost my baby because it was an unplanned pregnancy. I finally said “Why’s it matter now, my baby’s dead!” She apologized and after that we didn’t talk.

A month went by and I didn’t hear from her. I get that I yelled at her but I thought it was weird and somewhat hurtful she didn’t bother to check in on me. And who knows, maybe she did and I just never got the messages. She reached out to me again a month later and said she wanted to hang out. I was still really angry about our previous conversation and still wasn’t in a good place. We started fighting and I realized we were just going to continue to go back and forth. She herself wasn’t in a good place either for other personal reasons. So, even though it wasn’t easy, I made the hard decision of putting our friendship on hold. I told her, right now I did not want to be friends, and I still to this day think it was the best decision for our emotional and mental health.

Part of the reason I made this decision is because the blind can’t lead the blind. Two depressed people can’t take care of each other. We would end up destroying each other. Neither one of us had the strength to hold each other up. As much as I wanted to remain friends, I could feel myself resent her the more we would talk. I wanted to stop the bolder of my crazy emotions before I said something I regretted. Maybe in time we will be friends again, but for now I am going to work on myself so I remember the person I once was, let go of what I need to let go and take control of what I need to get a hold of.

Returning to Everyday Life

On Monday March 11th, I returned to school. I had spent the last two weeks lying in bed with my broken heart. I told myself I was ready and it was time to return to normal. I thought I was ready. The day before my surgery I withdrew from one of my classes. I made this choice not only because I had missed a lot of class due to my morning sickness and snow days, but the midterm exam was also the day of my surgery. I now only had two classes. I was supposed to return to work this same day, but my mom convinced me to take more time off. It was honestly a smart idea.

That morning I was able to sleep in. I had my internship meeting at noon. I purposely left early because I was not motivated to step back into the outside world. I plugged in my headphones, played Carrie Underwood’s song Cry Pretty, and left my apartment. At the bus stop I felt those tears I had been releasing for weeks, well up in my eyes again. I was hoping I wouldn’t cry this quickly. Getting off the bus and walking through campus, I felt like everyone was staring at me. They probably weren’t, but I was hypersensitive to everything in this moment. I rushed through the crowd of students trying to get to my internship. I felt like everyone was still going in slow motion.

Not paying attention to where I was going, I slid on some ice and fell flat on my butt. Ouch. That was humiliating. I went into the nearest building and found a bathroom. I cried. My pants were soaked. My butt hurt and I did not want to be here. I messaged my internship coordinator and told her I would be late. She was completely understanding. Why was this so hard? I so badly just wanted to return to my bed, pull the covers over my head and not come out. I think the thing that helped me to keep going that day was that I was already so far behind. I needed to return to my normal, and take this step so I could heal.

Eventually I made it to my internship. A majority of the peer educators were in the presentation room listening to a presentation on empathy and sympathy… how ironic. I went to the office and put my stuff down. My friend Jeanie came in and rushed over to give me a hug. When she hugged me I lost it. I sobbed loudly, and probably displayed the ugliest cry face. I was in pain physically and emotionally. Jeanie was a really good friend. She came to my side when I needed her. I think she knew this day would be hard on me. I didn’t realize it till later, but my internship was the last place I was before my 11 week ultrasound…. it was the last place I was before my world changed.

After I had calmed down, I joined the other interns and peer educators in the presentation room. To be honest I didn’t really pay attention. It was hard to concentrate. After the meeting I talked with my coordinator. She was so helpful in listening about my situation, as well as figuring out my internship stuff. After my meeting, Charles picked me up and took me home. I was exhausted even though I had only been out for a few hours. Crying takes a lot out of you. When I got home I got into bed, pulled the covers over my head, snuggled my quilt and went to sleep. It was hard… but I consider that day a small victory.

” You can pretty lie and say it’s okay, you can pretty smile and just walk away, pretty much fake your way through anything, but you can’t cry pretty.” – Carrie Underwood

Saying Goodbye…

The minute I arrived at the hospital on Thursday February 28th, I started to cry. It was going to be a long day. When we walked into the building I called Charles. He was at the airport and at a lost for words. He so badly wanted to be here for me, but also wanted to respect my wishes by going on his trip. He was very gentle and comforted me over the phone as best he could. I tried my best to be strong for him. I didn’t want him to beat himself up for going on the trip even though I told him to go.

Since we arrived to the hospital early, my parents decided to go downstairs to the cafeteria to eat breakfast. I wasn’t allowed to eat since midnight the night before. I wasn’t hungry anyway. While in the cafeteria, I sat at the table waiting for Alli. She promised she would come visit me on her way to work before my procedure. I sat there snuggling my quilt trying to keep it together. I felt my tears start to well up again in my eyes. When I looked up I saw Alli walking towards me. Her face of sadness and compassion told me it was safe to fall apart. I stood up and ran over to Alli. I hugged her and began to sob. I felt my body collapse into her embrace. I could feel Alli crying too. She was heartbroken. We stood there in the middle of the cafeteria of the hospital sobbing. Some might say it was an inappropriate place to fall apart. But considering it was a hospital, I’m sure they see it all the time. In that moment, I didn’t care who might be staring or judging us. All I cared about is that my friend was here. She was the first person to know I was pregnant and she had been a huge support for me since day one. I’m so glad she came.


When I went to the Out Patient Surgery Department they got me registered and asked me for a urine sample. I asked them why they would need it. I mean…. they already knew I was pregnant. I had no energy to argue with them so I did what they said. Later a nurse named Sara came back to the waiting room to help me get prepped. She apologized that they made me give a urine sample. The system does not allow them to see what surgery I am scheduled for, therefore they didn’t know I was pregnant.

She brought me back to a small pre-op room. She asked me questions and we talked about medications and standard health information. I told her that I had a lot of questions to ask my doctor about what to expect following the D & C. Sara told me she was happy to answer any questions I may have. I asked all my questions of anything from a decrease in pregnancy symptoms, to pain, to bleeding to mental health. She was very open and honest in answering all of my questions. She also disclosed to me that she could only share from her own experience as she had suffered from 5 miscarriages. When she told me this, my heart broke for her. How are you still standing? I thought. Before leaving she saw I began to cry as I knew my procedure was quickly approaching. She looked at me and said “I know Sweetie… I know.” She then opened her arms and gave me a hug. Sara was absolutely amazing, and to this day I feel so blessed that God allowed me to meet her before my procedure.

My mom helped me undress and get into my hospital gown. I laid on the bed and covered up with a blanket. More surgical nurses and techs came in to ask me questions, start my IV and prepare me for my procedure. Alli and my dad joined us in the room about an hour and a half before I had to go back to surgery. The room was very small and crowded, but it was comforting knowing they were all there. At about 11:30am Charles texted me and told me his plane landed. I was able to sigh with relief. I was very stressed and emotional with the procedure, but knowing that Charles had landed safely before my procedure made me feel a lot better. My anesthesiologist and surgeon came into the room. They both asked me questions and prepared me for the procedure. I had peace and good vibes from both of them. I knew anything could go wrong, but I was confident I was in good hands.


My surgery was pushed back to 12:30pm. I was told that the social worker was too busy to come see me but I was still able to visit with the Chaplin. When the Chaplin came in I was kind of stunned. He looked just like my husband! The only real difference was his accent and long beard. It was so uncanny. The Chaplin introduced himself to my parents, Alli and I. He gave me some sympathy cards, a book about miscarriage, and a praying bear. He talked with me about my story, our baby’s name and my faith. He led my family in prayer, and prayed over me that I would be safe through the surgery. He prayed that the doctors would have wisdom during the procedure and that I would be able to find God again through this grief and sadness. As he continued praying my dad suddenly burst into tears. He had sadness in his face since my ultrasound, but I had yet to see him cry. Maybe he was trying to be strong for me. He cried hard, and I could tell he was trying to fight it. He held my hand. It broke my heart but also gave me joy. He loved this baby too.

After the prayer the Chaplin left and Alli left for work. The nurses came in and said it was time to say good bye to mom and dad. I squeezed my prayer bear one more time and handed it to my mom. My parents both kissed me on the head and started to cry. I tried to be brave and told them I was gonna be fine. I felt the surgical people pull my hair into a hair net and put booties on my feet, I started to panic as my parents walked away. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to not be pregnant anymore. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Just then it all hit me. The drugs… the wonderful, feels like you’re flying and floating on a cloud drugs. I wasn’t panicked anymore. I felt GREAT!

They rolled me to the operating room. I remember thinking my arm hurt. It was the arm with my IV. I kept saying something to the nurse and they kept trying to adjust it. When I got to the room I had to move onto the table. I laid down and tried to relax. Then I felt my other arm hurt. They kept asking me what hurts. Turns out it was just the blood pressure cuff. Then my calves tickled. I began giggling. I was loopy. I remember my surgeon getting concerned. I tried telling her something was tickling my calves. She told me it was the compressor that helps you not to get blood clots. That’s a relief. I looked up at the ceiling and realized it was all about to change. When I wake up I won’t be pregnant. This gave me sadness. I prayed to God one more time. Please God, forgive me of my sins and keep me safe in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Then I was out.

The Decision to Share My Story

The night I found out about our baby, I laid awake. I tossed and turned. I couldn’t go five minutes without crying. As the hours passed, the more my new reality would hit. I’m not having a baby. I’m not gonna be a mom anymore. These thoughts just broke my heart over and over again. As I laid in the bed awake, I thought back to when this all started. I thought about Andrea asking if I could be pregnant. I thought about Alli bringing me the pregnancy test. I thought about the excitement and disbelief we all had about me being pregnant. I thought about my mom and I shopping for maternity clothes. I thought about my crazy pregnancy cravings. I thought about both ultrasounds. I thought about the dreams that Charles and I had for this little girl…. I found myself holding my breathe still in a state of shock. How can this journey suddenly be over? Just like that.

By 3am I couldn’t take it anymore. The series of events that occurred in the last 7 weeks kept swirling around my head. As much as it was torcher to think about, I didn’t want to forget. This was my story. This didn’t all happen for nothing. I didn’t understand the reason, but I knew I wasn’t meant to suffer in silence. I thought about the pros and cons of sharing my story. People may give me pity or think I just want attention. People may say something insensitive or just the wrong thing and it could hurt more. People would forever look at me differently.

That night I wrote a brief status on my Facebook of my pregnancy and miscarriage. I outlined it as a letter to Mackenzie. The decision to write my story wasn’t an easy one to make, and I knew I was taking a risk. However, I chose to tell my story for three reasons.

1) I wanted control. I felt like I had lost all control in this situation. That’s one thing that made this situation fall into the category of a traumatic event. I the victim or survivor lost all control in the loss I was experiencing. I not only wanted to find some grasp of control in this situation, but I also wanted some control of what others may say to me. Ever since Charles and I got married, it never fails that every few weeks someone is asking us when we are going to have kids. Due to what had just happen to us, I didn’t want anyone to ask. I thought that if people knew our story they would be respectful of our loss and allow us to choose when we want to talk about starting a family.

2) I knew I wasn’t alone. As much as it hurt and as much as I felt like I must be the only woman in the world to feel this pain… I knew I wasn’t. I knew there were others out there like me. Many have suffered in silence while others have shared their story publicly. I wanted to be able to connect to those who have gone through this pain, so that I could find some glimmer of hope that I could get through it too.

3) I wanted the world to know Mackenzie. Naming her, talking about her and sharing our story made her real. I didn’t want her just to be an idea, or dream. She is real. She did grow inside me and sadly she was called home.

So I did it. I shared my story around 4am on Tuesday February 26th. To this day I still can’t believe the impact of sharing my story….

Valentine’s Week

The week of February 11th through the 15th was pretty crazy…..

On Monday February 11th, when I was 9 weeks pregnant, I finally had my first OB appointment. This was the intake appointment where we were asked many questions about both sides of our family history, as well as mine and my husband’s health. I also had the chance to talk with a social worker about any concerns, fears and resources that were available to us. This was such an exciting appointment. I was overwhelmed by so much support and resources to women in this community who are expectant mothers. I was also given a folder full of information and educational resources. Receiving this support gave me peace about the upcoming months of my pregnancy.


On Tuesday February 12th, I started my internship at FIRE. Parts of me were really excited to start this internship… while other parts of me were exhausted. I felt really behind and just wasn’t motivated to do anything. I was throwing up at least once a day at this point… either because I ate garlic or I simply ate too much. I was tired, it was snowy and I just wanted to hibernate for the rest of the winter. Everyone tells you how much your pregnancy hormones can affect you, but until I actually experienced it… I had no idea.


On Wednesday February 13th, we had yet another snowstorm over night, that covered most of Michigan. My university had yet again another snow day. Charles and I both were okay with this, as we just spent a nice day at home watching movies and relaxing.


On Thursday February 14th, was Charles’ birthday. It was also Valentine’s Day. On this cold morning we woke up around 6am. We headed to Denny’s to enjoy a nice breakfast while also getting Charles a free birthday meal. It was a very nice breakfast as talked and dreamed about Baby Rhames. We were getting so excited to start planning for her arrival. We knew that we weren’t going to have too many more dates before her arrival, so we definitely wanted to enjoy this time of just the two of us. Later that day, after going to classes and work we met up for dinner at the dining hall. We ate with some friends and during the meal I gave Charles a Valentine’s Day card. It was handmade and super cheesy, but he loved it.


On Friday February 15th, we had a busy day. I went to my internship at 9am. Charles picked me up at 1pm and brought me lunch and a mango smoothie. We headed 45 minutes away to get our taxes done. When we arrived at our tax person’s house (sorry, I’m not totally sure what his title is), we discussed with him our year and how we were expecting a little one in September. Unfortunately, we couldn’t claim baby on our taxes this year…. but next year for sure.

After completing our taxes, Charles and I stopped at Walmart because we both had to pee and couldn’t wait until we got home. After this experience… I am NEVER EVER EVER GOING TO A WALMART ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON AGAIN. This experience was honestly worse than Black Friday. Not only was it packed and Charles and I almost got hit twice just walking into the building… but the bathrooms were completely disgusting. Toilets were overflowing, diarrhea on the floor, people didn’t wash their hands, it was awful. I’m sure you can imagine how gross this is, but try imagining this while also being pregnant. When I was pregnant my sense of smell was superhero strong. So, if I got a whiff of something disgusting I would immediately engage in an involuntary gagging fit. And if I couldn’t stop, I would start throwing up…. which is exactly what I did. We both tried our hardest to get the heck out of there. So I repeat again, I will NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN GO TO A WALMART ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON.

Once we arrived back in our home town, I went to the lab to have my pregnancy glucose test completed. I was really nervous for this test as I had researched and heard about the challenges that gestational diabetes can have on a pregnancy. Never the less, I knew I still needed to get the test completed. As I sat in the waiting room for an hour, I watched other pregnant women and their kids. I was getting so excited to be a mommy. I was so thankful I had gotten this far in my pregnancy. I thanked God for these moments of peace, joy and excitement that overwhelmed me.

The Quilt

On Saturday January 19th, my husband and I were having a very relaxing day at home. My friend Alli texted me and asked if she could drop by and give me something. I quickly tidied up my living room (…because I hadn’t done anything that day.) and prepared for her arrival. My pregnancy symptoms intensified each day. I became more sleepy, out of breathe when going up and down stairs, and the smell of tuna fish was not appealing… but no vomiting yet.

A little while later Alli and Kevin came over. Alli greeted me and said.

“I made your baby a quilt!” She handed it to me. I was so touched and wanted to start crying… yup, I was definitely pregnant. I held up the baby quilt and gushed over the cute little bears and sloths that were on every other little square, I hugged the quilt and then I hugged Alli. Apparently, she had been working on this little surprise pretty much since the day we found out I was pregnant.

I couldn’t believe it. This was the very first gift my baby received and I would cherish it always. ❤️


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