Counseling & Sea Glass

Just Me Blogging

As many of you know, I spent a handful of hours in counseling last year after my first miscarriage. Through counseling I was able to develop coping skills such as self talk, reflection, and anxiety management. I was in counseling approximately once a week from March to July. At the end of June I essentially “graduated” from counseling for awhile until I felt a need to return.

Since coming back to counseling after suffering my second miscarriage at the end of September; I have begun to rebuild the skills I had started to lose. This time around in counseling, not only have I gone more in-depth about grief and advocacy but also on how I can be in the NOW. As a student, planner, organization freak and perfectionist, I take pride in planning the future. Planning helps me prepare for change, and also prepare if things don’t go as planned. However, I really struggle with living in the NOW. I have lost that feeling, and that state of just being.

My counselor, who is a AMAZING I might add; had an idea for myself, and other students just like me. In her office she has on her desk a bowl of sea glass. Each piece of sea glass is different. Some are round. Some are rough. Some have cracks in them. Some are shaped like diamonds. Each piece is unique for each person. My counselor allowed each one of her students to take a piece of sea glass to hold on too. She explained to me that we as people need something tangible. We need something to hold on to. We need something to ground us.

So, everyday I carry with me my little piece of sea glass. I reach into my pocket and feel the smooth diamond shape. Sometimes I pull it out of my pocket and admire its’ little crack in the center. This crack reminds me of myself, in the sense that I’m scarred but I’m not broken. It is a wonderful, real item that I feel, and serves as a reminder that it is okay to live in the now.

My Top 10 Favorite Inspirational Quotes

Self Care, Top 10 Lists

1. “Act as if what you do makes a difference, it does.” – William James

2. “Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory.” – Dr. Seuss

3. “ Instead of letting your hardships and failures discourage or exhaust you, let them inspire you.” – Michelle Obama

4. Grief is a privileged portal into soul work and transformation.” – Richard Rohr

5. “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.” – Benjamin Franklin

6. “All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.” – Walt Disney

7. “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.“ – Cayla Mills

8. “She remembered who she was and the game changed.” – Lalah Delilah

9. “Be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud. “ – Maya Angelou

10. “Life is like a camera. You focus on what’s important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don’t work out… take another shot.” – Author Unknown

When the Grief Hits You All at Once…

Life After Miscarriage

The day I lost Mackenzie, I immediately felt grief, heartache and denial. The day I lost Chase, I only felt sadness and denial. Having a natural miscarriage was a lot different than having a D & C. With a D & C you don’t see anything. You are sleeping and not traumatized by what you see. Where as with a natural miscarriage, I saw everything, and I continue to see it in my sleep through nightmares.

At some point shortly after my second loss, I started to have nightmares. I had nightmares I was bleeding heavily and couldn’t stop, then I would wake up. I continue to have these nightmares, that keep reminding me of my natural miscarriage. I also had flashbacks. I had flashbacks of the hospital, flashbacks of ultrasounds, and the night I was experiencing labor pains. These symptoms sounded to me a lot like PTSD, but I’m not a doctor. I ended up asking a counselor at some point and she said based on my symptoms and what I have gone through, it is likely I have PTSD.


I really don’t cry about the babies I’ve lost, not anymore.


I don’t feel like people understand why I cry. I’ve also expressed to Charles that I don’t want to talk about future children. I can’t even fathom that right now. I am more that willing to talk about our angel babies, but not future kids.

When did the grief really hit me? Well, it hits me when bad stuff happens. This year has been awful. If I were to name off all the crap that has happen, I’m sure you guys would agree. But when life gets really tough and I start to cry, I think I end up crying more for my babies than what I’m actually upset about. Because like I said before, I really don’t want to cry… but I need to.

Grief & Mercy 2nd Blog Post Round Up: A Look at My MOST Recent, Liked and Popular Blog Posts

Just Me Blogging

1. Grief & Mercy Blog Q & A: I Am Answering All Your Questions About Miscarriage, Grief, Healing, Recovery and My Personal Experience

I really enjoyed writing this post. On Instagram a few weeks prior to writing this post, I asked women who have suffered a loss, if they had any questions that they would like me to answer. I truly enjoyed answering all your questions as well as sharing my own experience.

2. My First BIG Opportunity as a Blogger

This post was fun to write because this was my big break. I had no idea when first starting my blog I would be asked to share my story in a magazine and eventually work for that company. It’s honestly another example of the great big plan that God has for me, that I couldn’t see at my very lowest point.

3. Mother’s Day Part 1, 2 and 3

My Mother’s Day posts were pretty popular. I enjoyed writing these posts because I was able to reflect my first Mother’s Day weekend as an Angel Mommy. I divided this post into 3 parts because I didn’t want to overwhelm my readers and honestly each post had a specific purpose. Part 1 was more about strengthening my marriage. Part 2 was about grief and advocacy and Part 3 was about peace and comfort.

4. National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day October 15th

To be honest, before suffering a loss… I had no idea there was a whole month dedicated to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. This year, I have looked at the month of October completely differently. This is the month that we remember all the babies gone too soon. I loved writing this post, as I yet again was able to advocate for women who have suffered a loss.

5. The Things to Say and Do After a Woman Has Had a Miscarriage

This post is all about things to say and do after a woman has had a miscarriage. After suffering a loss myself, I realized truly how many people don’t know what to say or how to comfort someone after a loss. I felt it was truly important to write this post so more and more people know how to help an Angel Mommy in her grief.

6. The Decision to Try Again

Writing this post felt like I had reached a moment of peace. I had peace in knowing what had happen, happen for a reason. I also had peace at whatever would happen next.

7. The Best Thing My Husband Ever Told Me After My Miscarriage

This post is one of my personal favorites as, not only does it have one of my favorite engagement photos, but it also allowed me a place to publicly thank my husband for being my rock. Though we have had our ups and downs, Charles has truly been amazing through our loss.

8. A Breakthrough in Counseling and Finding Acceptance

My Breakthrough, a moment I knew I would hit eventually…. when I realized that I had come to a place where I would one day want to try again. I share my Breakthrough in Counseling with all of you to not only break the stigma of counseling, but to also show that with a lot of time and work, healing does happen.

9. Making Peace with God

I was angry…. so incredibly anger. But through a lot of work, I was able to restore my faith and find peace in my heartache. In this post I not only discuss my faith but also about how I came to terms with my loss.

10. Redoing My Home Office

Redoing My Home office was a project I have been wanting to tackle for awhile. This past summer I was able to accomplish this goal. In this post I take you through the various changes and organization to make my home office.

11. Mackenzie’s Stepping Stone and Flower Garden

Creating Mackenzie’s garden was peaceful and unbearable. In this post I discuss the closure that was felt between my family and I as we created Mackenzie’s garden.

12. Reopening My Etsy Shop

Reopening my Etsy Shop was super exciting. I love creating and selling beautiful handmade baby items. Check out how I reopened my shop, and check out my shop link located on my main page and in this post.

13. Trying to Conceive (TTC) Lifestyle

Early morning workouts, prenatal vitamins and positive affirmations are many things I tried while beginning my trying to conceive lifestyle. Check out this post to read more about how I prepared my mind, heart and body for the future.


A Look Ahead…

Taking Pregnancy Tests is Exhausting

The title of this post is pretty self explanatory. Coming soon!

A Weekend Away to Honor My Due Date

A Weekend Away with the girls filled with laughter, coffee, cold mornings, woods, homemade pizza, Lake Michigan, and girl talk. Coming up soon!

Seeing the OBGYN Again

Life After Miscarriage

In May I had my follow up appointment with my OBGYN. This appointment gave me some anxiety for about a week. I knew in my heart that I had been doing a lot better emotionally and mentally. I had been working extremely hard to find myself again. I worked through many emotions, counseling sessions, exercises and coping skills. I knew I was never going to be the same person I was and I still had a long way to go, however I was seeing great progress.

When Charles and I went to the OB, I was slightly nervous but did okay. Our wait in the waiting room wasn’t too long, and I was thankful they weren’t too busy. When I saw my doctor she said she was very impressed and glad I was doing a lot better. I expressed to her how I was going to do my very best to take it easy this summer and heal. She agreed that this was a good plan.

I also discussed with her how Charles and I would like to start having kids soon. Even though the miscarriage wasn’t my fault, I still wanted to know what I needed to work on and how I could be healthier before getting pregnant again. At the appointment my doctor and I made a list of things I should work on before Charles and I begin trying.

  • Lose weight and have a better BMI.
  • Exercising more and walking
  • Having better ways to manage my anxiety, meds, getting outside and walking, blogging etc.
  • Saving $$$ for Baby
  • Getting my thyroid under control with meds.

Completing My Internship

Just Me Blogging, Life After Miscarriage

I was seriously starting to feel like this day would never come. I started my internship at a government agency on January 8th, 2019. I started this adventure the day before I got pregnant. I switched internship sites around February 7th… when I was 8 weeks into my pregnancy. After many, many extensions, missed and made up hours, meetings, projects, papers, presentations and an incomplete… I officially did it. I completed my 6 credit internship! There were so many times I thought I would fail or just give up… but I didn’t.

I am so grateful for my internship and all that I have learned. Even though I had other crazy personal obstacles and traumas that were going on, I was still able to find value in my work at my internship. Being a Sexual Assault Peer Educator taught me how to be an advocate, not just for survivors of sexual assault but also in my line of work of advocating for women and children’s health, and women of whom have suffered a miscarriage and infant loss. This internship also taught me valuable coping skills, how to heal through my personal trauma, as well as how to help others after suffering a trauma… and for that I am eternally grateful. ❤️

Mother’s Day Part 1: A Romantic Weekend Getaway on My First Mother’s Day as an Angel Mommy

Life After Miscarriage

During one of my counseling sessions in April, I discussed with my counselor how I was dreading Mother’s Day. Even though my baby would not have been born during this Mother’s Day, just the thought of seeing kids celebrating their moms would be triggering for me. My counselor suggested that I make plans for the day and how I wanted to celebrate.

I talked it over with my husband and we decided to take an over night getaway to Silver Beach, St. Joe. All week long as we prepared for the trip, I obsessively watched the weather. It wasn’t until Thursday that it said it was going to rain all weekend. Bummer. Never the less we still went.

On the drive there we picked up some coffees from Biggby and enjoyed the ride. We had a really nice conversation about work, school, our future together and everything in between. This trip was relaxing and well needed. When we arrived at our hotel, we checked in and went to our room. It was gorgeous. We were on the 6th floor with a beautiful view of the city and Lake Michigan. We spent that afternoon doing some shopping and heading to dinner at a local brewery. We enjoyed some delicious burgers and fries, and continued talking about our future as husband and wife and as parents.

I brought up the topic of kids and when we wanted to try again and start a family. As much as both our desires are strong and we want kids, we both knew we still had some healing to do. I really wanted to work on myself this summer by physically losing weight and being healthier. I also wanted to be emotionally and mentally in a better space. Lastly, I still needed to find some spiritual healing and make peace with God as I was still quite angry with him. Charles wanted to work on himself as well by getting a better job, saving more money, eating healthier and just continuing to grow in our marriage.

After dinner we went back to the hotel and went swimming in the pool and hot tub. There weren’t a lot of people and it was very relaxing. After swimming we rested in our hotel room for a little bit. As the sun started to set we headed down to the beach. It was very chilly but comforting. As one way to remember my baby that Mother’s Day weekend, I wrote her name in the sand. I knew she was in Heaven and I had faith that she could see it from where she was. 🧡

A Breakthrough in Counseling & Finding Acceptance

Life After Miscarriage

In the beginning of May I saw my counselor for the last time. She was considered a temporary counselor at the university and only worked during the school year. After my last session with her, I would then be transferred to a new counselor to see through the month of June. At this particular session, I was starting to get to a good place. I still was emotional but wasn’t quite as unstable. I was also very motivated by this new found calling of advocacy that it put me in a generally better mood.

While sitting down with my counselor we discussed how I was doing, what I was doing to cope, how the end of the semester went and just the usual. While discussing my future plans for school I remember pausing for a moment. I wasn’t entirely sure why but my throat began to tighten and tears welled up in my eyes. As I discussed the future, I considered the aspect of having children again. As I thought about it, my counselor stared at me. I was having a breakthrough.

I hadn’t entirely thought about the concept of having children again. After such an excruciating loss, I never would of thought I would have this feeling or longing to have a baby again…. but I did. I confessed this to my counselor and began to cry. It took me completely off guard. I came into the session feeling pretty good, and I left emotionally drained.

After my session I went home and reflected about what had went on in counseling. I couldn’t believe I felt the way I did. Never in million years had I thought I would ever feel this way again. When I lost the baby my mom had talked about yearning and how she felt yearning after losing my brother. I guess that’s what I was experiencing too. I am an angel mommy. But I still longed to be an earthly mommy. I still wondered and worried if I would ever get that chance. I accepted the fact that I lost a baby. But I also accepted the fact that if I were to get pregnant again, I could lose another baby. Or we could have a completely healthy baby and completely healthy pregnancy. One thing was for certain…. it was in the Lord’s hands and I had reached acceptance.


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Starting My Blog

Just Me Blogging, Life After Miscarriage

As I went through grief counseling in April, I reached a lot of milestones. At this point I had gone through every stage of grief at least once, except for acceptance. I was starting to become more stable with my emotions, and ultimately I felt good as I made steps in the right direction. During one counseling session, I discussed how I wanted to share my story in detail. I didn’t know how to do it, but I knew I had a lot to say. My counselor suggested starting a blog.

I considered this idea for a little while. It was one of those ideas I couldn’t let go. I lost sleep over it as I contemplated this as the answer I had been looking for. Is this what I’m meant to do? Am I meant to be an advocate through blogging? This thought consumed me. I wrote a timeline of different event topics from the time I got pregnant until now. As I looked at my very long list of topics, I realized this was my next step.

I started my blog with my first blog post Leap of Faith. I decided that would be a good title for my first post as this was a leap of faith. Creating a blog and talking about how I have gone through a pregnancy, miscarriage and healing was not only risky but also vulnerable. I had no idea who would read it, what people would think or how I would be perceived as a person. Even though all these thoughts and fears came to mind, I still wanted to do it. I wanted to share my story. I wanted to give resources and support to those who have experienced the same form of loss. I wanted to write and share my story… and so I did,

“And what, you ask does writing teach us? First and foremost, it reminds us that we are alive, and that it is a gift and privilege, not a right.” – Ray Bradbury

Seeking Counseling

Life After Miscarriage

Last October I started seeing a counselor at my university. I decided to start seeking a counselor to help me get a handle on my anxiety as well as getting help in dealing with the daily struggles of college. In the spring semester I didn’t have any appointments scheduled at the beginning. In December my counselor and I decided I was on the right track, but if I ever needed to come back I could always make an appointment. When I found out I was pregnant, I realized I should definitely make an appointment as this was an added stress to my life… in a good way. Unfortunately, due to the many snow days and OB appointments, I didn’t actually get in to see my counselor until I was 10 weeks. At that appointment I was stressed but so excited. My counselor helped me talk things out.


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After I had my miscarriage, I didn’t get in to see my counselor until about three weeks after. I hardly ever cry in counseling. It’s almost like I think it’s more important to talk since I have the opportunity so I just don’t feel like I need to. However, at the appointment after my miscarriage I sat in silence for awhile. I stared at my counselor. I wanted to speak but I couldn’t. My mouth wasn’t working. After ten minutes I ended up finally saying “I had my 11 week ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. My baby died” and that was it. I cried for the rest of the hour long session. I was able to say a few sentences here and there, but overall I just cried.

From that point on I have had a weekly appointment with my counselor. She has been incredibly helpful. I absolutely love counseling and would recommend it to anyone. I realize there’s a lot of stigma and shame when it comes to counseling, but honesty I think it’s just nice to word vomit all my problems, and someone is obligated to listen. I am also someone who loves hearing about different strategies and coping skills, however I am usually too stubborn to try them. For example, I have signed up for a yoga class three times… and still have yet to go. Regardless, I know I still have things I need to work on and I’m so thankful I am able to get the help I need.

The Things They Don’t Tell You When You Have a Miscarriage… or at least the Things They Didn’t Tell Me.

Miscarriage

When becoming pregnant, I knew there was a risk I could have a miscarriage, especially in the first trimester. However, I thought chances were quite slim. Both my husband and I are in pretty good health. There are no miscarriages that run in my family, and I was doing everything I could physically and mentally to take care of my growing baby. I am also well educated with an Associate’s in General Studies, an Associate’s in Early Childhood Education and on my way to getting a Bachelor’s in Child and Family Development. Even though I didn’t have the experience of being a mommy yet, I did have the experience and a well rounded education of working with children.

Throughout my pregnancy I researched and familiarized myself with the signs and symptoms of miscarriage. The most common signs are cramping, bleeding and spotting, back pain, headache and nausea. In all my research, I had never found anything that said you could have a miscarriage and not even know it. So, when I went to my 11 week ultrasound, I was completely blindsided. I didn’t have any symptoms, I just had common pregnancy symptoms.

After having my D & C, I was given some basic instructions of recovery and post-op care. However, there were many things I experienced after my miscarriage and D & C that my doctors failed to tell me about. The following are a list of things I wish I had known after my miscarriage. Plus, some of these are a bit TMI, so if you are at all squeamish… you may want to skip ahead.

1. It’s Important to be Consistent With Your Pain Meds and other Post-Op Care.

After my D & C I was pretty doped up on pain and anxiety meds. Once I went to my parent’s house to recover, I rotated between Ibprophen and Tylenol. Make sure to talk with your doctor and follow the instructions on the medication bottle before taking anything. I remember having cramps off and on for the next several days. There were some nights I would wake up in pain. It wasn’t excruciating pain but enough to be uncomfortable and wake me up. I set my alarm every 6 to 8 hours to remind myself to take something.

It was also important for me to stay hydrated by drinking water and other fluids.

Lastly, I used a lot of hot and cold pads. I was given some from the hospital, but they are also available at various stores including Target, Meijer and Walgreens. I put these anywhere it hurt.

2. What Bleeding is “Normal” and What Bleeding is Concerning.

At the hospital I was told that I could bleed after my D & C for up to 2 weeks. However, if I was bleeding enough to fill a pad within an hour, I needed to go to the ER because I could be losing too much blood and hemorrhaging. Now the consistency in bleeding really depends on the person. For me, It was relatively light but if I was more active, or emotional I would start to bleed heavier. Also the color of blood was all over the place. Sometimes it was bright red while other times it was light brown.

3. It’s Possible to Start Lactating After a Miscarriage or D & C.

About three days post surgery my breast were very tender and just felt full. I didn’t know what was happening. I assumed it was just my hormones dropping in my body… but I wasn’t totally sure. I had my surgery on a Thursday and that following Sunday morning I woke up wet. My chest and whole top half of my shirt was soaked. I really wasn’t sure what was going on. I got up to change my shirt and as I was changing I realized exactly what was happening… I was lactating.

That afternoon I called my doctor and asked if it was normal or at all concerning. I spoke with a nurse and apparently lactating does occur in some women after a miscarriage. Since my pregnancy body was nearing towards the end of the first trimester, I guess my body had enough hormone to produce milk… at least that’s how I understood it. I spoke to a friend who recently had a baby and she said that normally your milk doesn’t fully come in until three or so days after you give birth. If that is the case and my milk came in three days after my surgery, then that would mean my body thought I had had a baby. This sent me into a spiraling emotional mess. Not only was I upset that my doctor didn’t tell me I could start lactating, but I was also upset my body was making milk for a baby I no longer had. This just rubbed salt in my very raw wounds.

So, if you recently had a miscarriage and begin lactating, I do highly suggest a few things to try.

– Call your doctor and ask for their advice. My doctor told me I could lactate for 1 – 2 weeks… I ended up lactating for 5ish weeks but everyone is different.

– Wearing a super supportive bra can be very helpful… I even wore it when I slept.

Wearing nursing pads are great and super absorbent.

– Using ice or cabbage can actually give you a lot of relief… just not heat because that could cause you to produce more milk.

4. Loss of Pregnancy Symptoms.

I think part of the reason my doctors didn’t tell me about this is because it truly depends on the person. I was told that my hormones would likely drop within a few weeks. However, I wasn’t told or truly prepared for the emotional toll it would take on me. I can imagine that after you give birth, you feel your hormones drop and no longer feel pregnant, however you do have a baby. Whereas, when you have a miscarriage and you slowly start to stop feeling pregnant, it feels like just another thing to lose. As much as I complained about being pregnant, I loved it and would truly give anything to still be pregnant.

5. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I think it is absolutely incredible that just within the last 15 years we have learned so much about PTSD. For the longest time it was known as, the disorder soldiers get after war. But, through a lot of research and awareness of mental health, our society has discovered truly what PTSD is and how anyone can get it after suffering a traumatic event. I talked about this with my counselor, and she said although she wasn’t diagnosing me with PTSD she did say I had some symptoms of it including insomnia, flashbacks and night terrors.

If you feel you are experiencing any symptoms of PTSD, I strongly encourage you to talk to your doctor, seek out a support group, or get into counseling.

6. Triggers

Since I am a peer educator for survivors of sexual assault, I knew about triggers. I know there are many events, words and things that can trigger a survivor of a past assault. However, since having a miscarriage I also discovered my own personal challenges and specific things that would trigger me and remind me of my loss.

Some of my personal triggers include…..

– Babies crying

– The baby aisle at the store

– Pickles (My pregnancy craving)

– Young children playing, laughing and with their parents

– Pregnancy Announcements

– Seeing Pregnant women

– Discussions of Abortion

After having a miscarriage, I had no idea how many things and how easily I could be set off and start crying. I remember about two weeks after my surgery I walked past a daycare with children playing, and I lost it. I just stood there paralyzed and sobbing watching the kids play, devastated my baby was gone. It’s a good thing I was a safe distance away and the kids didn’t notice… otherwise they would have probably been really concerned.

Overall, it’s important to keep in mind that after having a miscarriage…. or a traumatic event for that matter, you will likely be triggered from time to time. It is helpful to try and take care of yourself, and prevent yourself from being triggered, like getting off social media to avoid pregnancy announcements. But just keep in mind you will likely not be able to avoid everything. It is a process.

7. Emotions and Hormones

The hardest thing after my miscarriage, was dealing with my hormones and emotions. I was a bundle of emotions. One minute I was angry. One minute I was sad. One minute I was depressed. One minute I couldn’t sleep. One minute I was numb and the list goes on and on. Not only was I grieving over the loss of my baby but I was also angry and hating my body for failing me. On top of that my hormones were dropping like I was on constant PMS. It was horrible.

If you are experiencing these symptoms following a miscarriage, there are some things I want you to know. First off, its okay to not be okay for awhile. It’s okay to feel unstable and even a little crazy. It’s okay to feel every emotion you’re feeling. In this moment it absolutely sucks, but just know it won’t be like this forever. Secondly, please, please, please be gentle with yourself. As hard as it is to not blame yourself for what happen, please try to understand losing your baby was not your fault.

For the record, I am not an expert or doctor in anyway, but I have experienced a miscarriage and understand what it’s like to lose a baby. So I am always here to talk and to listen. The above advice is just something I have learned from my own personal experience.

If you like what you have read, then feel free to “Like” or comment on this post, and subscribe to my blog to receive email notifications every time I post! Thanks for reading!

What is Grief?

Miscarriage

Grief…. Grief is a season we enter into when someone dies. Depending on the relationship with that individual, how they died and when they died will often affect our process of grief. According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross there are 5 stages of grief.

Denial – this is the moment when you receive the news that your love one is gone and you can’t believe it. Your mind refuses to believe it. You live in disbelief anywhere from a few minutes to a few days (Kubler – Ross, 2019). I experienced denial when I received the news that my baby had died. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to imagine a future without her. I didn’t want to let go of the dreams I had for her.

Anger – this is the moment you start to understand and realize what has happen. You grow angry. Bitter. Hurt (Kubler – Ross, 2019). I felt this way between the days of my ultrasound and surgery, as well as days after. I was so angry. I was angry at myself. I was angry at my doctors. I was angry at my husband. I was even angry at God. I was angry that my baby died.

Bargaining – this is the moment you start to ask the “what if?” and “why?” questions. It’s when we start to wonder and even believe their had to have been something we could have done differently (Kubler – Ross, 2019). I was in this stage for awhile. Daily, I would ask myself why did my baby have to die? Why didn’t I see this coming? What did I do to deserve this? I’m her mom, why didn’t I know she was gone? I should have known. I would have given anything to change what was and to have my baby be alive and okay.

Depression – this is a stage you can enter into over and over again. This stage can last for months or even years on end (Kubler – Ross, 2019). Days after my surgery I bounced back and forth between stages, but I mostly lived in the depression stage. I remember lying in bed for days, sobbing and unable to move. The sadness was too much.

Acceptance – this is typically the last stage of grief and we usually enter this stage weeks, months or even years after already going through the other stages. This is the moment that we aren’t necessarily okay that a love one is gone, but rather we accept this is our new reality and understand that our loved one is no longer with us (Kubler – Ross, 2019). As I write this today, I believe I am slowly coming out of depression and entering into the acceptance stage. As I take the opportunity to write and work on myself, I have come to realize that as heavy as my grief can be, life goes on. I will always miss my baby, but I am still alive and here to do good work in honor of her.

One thing to remember about the 5 stages of grief is that not everyone experiences them in this order. Some people experience denial and depression first, while someone else may experience anger and bargaining first. It is also helpful to remember that these five stages are a cycle. Almost everyone who is living in grief will enter each stage at some point and they may enter them many times before finding acceptance.

There is no set time limit on grief. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. For me personally, I believe I am taking longer to grieve more than some other angel mommies. I also feel that I am more public with my grief… by writing a blog and sharing my story. Not only does this help me talk about Mackenzie but it also helps me not feel so alone.

“The only person who gets to decide what grief looks like, is the person experiencing it.” – Megan Devine


If you are interested in learning more about the five stages of grief, I have provided a link below.

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/