A Rocky First Trimester

The next few weeks of my pregnancy weren’t easy. For the semester I was interning at a government agency that required me to volunteer anywhere from 15 – 20 hours a week. I was also working 10 hours at the dining center, and taking three classes. By the end of the day I was exhausted. I had already dropped out of one on campus organization and continued to cut my hours at work. On top of that… we literally had Antarctica pay a visit to Michigan this past winter. There was so much snow. There was so much ice for weeks. It was also very, very, VERY COLD. There was one day it dropped down to -40°. Due to Hell freezing over and every business in the county closing, I was losing internship hours and was unable to make them up at home. I was very stressed

My pregnancy symptoms came in full swing when I hit 6 weeks. I had a very strong pregnancy nose and could smell tuna a mile away… which usually got me into a 5 minute gagging fit. Vomiting was pretty unpredictable. There were some days I would throw up only once, while others I didn’t throw up at all, and others I would throw up five times in a day. I was tired… so tired. I would fall asleep often at my internship, in class and practically any time I sat down. I loved pickles though. I loved them so much, I would eat a jar a day… practically. One food I could not handle… was garlic. Whether I was eating pizza, garlic bread, pasta, or anything else, I was guaranteed to throw it up. Baby did not like garlic. I was also peeing constantly. It felt like every half hour… kind of annoying.

On January 28th, I was feeling really sick. I was nauseous, throwing up, peeing all the time and even felt some slight cramping and burning. I was 7 weeks pregnant at this point and a little concerned so I thought I should go get checked out. My symptoms got worse towards the evening so Charles took me to the ER. In the hospital I was tested for STIs, and a UTI infection. It turns out a UTI is exactly what I had. Apparently, they are fairly common in pregnancy. Thankfully we caught it early and I was able to get on medication quickly and feel better.

Since telling my parents of the news that they were going to be grandparents, they were over the moon. My mom had went out and bought a ton of baby items on sale at Meijer, and my Daddy already nicknamed the baby. Their excitement got me excited. Every Monday I looked forward to sending bump updates to my family and friends. I couldn’t wait for our little one to be here in September. I also couldn’t wait to get through this rocky first trimester.

The Quilt

On Saturday January 19th, my husband and I were having a very relaxing day at home. My friend Alli texted me and asked if she could drop by and give me something. I quickly tidied up my living room (…because I hadn’t done anything that day.) and prepared for her arrival. My pregnancy symptoms intensified each day. I became more sleepy, out of breathe when going up and down stairs, and the smell of tuna fish was not appealing… but no vomiting yet.

A little while later Alli and Kevin came over. Alli greeted me and said.

“I made your baby a quilt!” She handed it to me. I was so touched and wanted to start crying… yup, I was definitely pregnant. I held up the baby quilt and gushed over the cute little bears and sloths that were on every other little square, I hugged the quilt and then I hugged Alli. Apparently, she had been working on this little surprise pretty much since the day we found out I was pregnant.

I couldn’t believe it. This was the very first gift my baby received and I would cherish it always. ❤️

{ADVERTISEMENT) KER Creations studio is a cute baby boutique inspired by my Angel Mackenzie. In my studio I sell baby hats, baby bows, baby Christmas ornaments, Mommy and Me hats and MORE!

When it Begins to Feel Real…..

On Monday, January 14th after class, Charles and I headed to the Alternatives Christian Clinic. I didn’t know much about this clinic except that their organization is centered around Christian values and they offered free pregnancy testing. I was really excited to go to this appointment, but also hesitant. I knew it was important to get my pregnancy confirmed for not only my own peace of mind but also my family’s. However, I still feared for the worst. What if I wasn’t really pregnant and it was just a fluke? What if it was an ectopic pregnancy? What if I had a miscarriage? What if there was some other reason the test was positive? What if this was all a dream… and I was gonna wake up any minute? I was afraid to find out the truth but at the same time… I needed to know.

We walked into the clinic, and immediately I felt welcomed and comfortable. I asked if I could have a pregnancy test done, and within a few minutes they took me back. I sat in a cozy room with two comfy chairs. Around the room and on the counter there were a variety of different visuals, and resources about pregnancy, birth, motherhood and everything in between.

A short time later a nurse arrived and talked with me. She asked me questions about my family, my life, and my beliefs. It was a nice conversation. She then allowed me to take the pregnancy test. We talked for a little while longer before the timer went off and we checked the results. We both looked at the stick that laid on the counter.

“It’s two lines.” I said with a smile.

“You know what that means?” She asked.

“Yup, that means I’m pregnant.” I said. I immediately felt peace. I knew it was real. I took three pregnancy tests and they were all positive. Thank you Jesus.

The nurse offered me what felt like a million resources about WIC, breastfeeding, baby items and second hand shops, parenting classes, health insurance, adoption, nutrition, and what to expect in the next 8 months. We calculated that my due date would be September 16th based on my last period. I was exactly 5 weeks. We also talked about some pregnancy symptoms I had already started experiencing including, slight cramping, breast tenderness, and nausea. The appointment ended with the nurse praying over me and my baby. I was also given a baby hat and a pair of booties that I couldn’t wait for little baby Rhames to have some day.

When I left the clinic, Charles and I both were slightly scared but getting really excited. It was beginning to feel real.

Sharing the News!

Telling Charles…

The night I found out I was pregnant, my friend Alli and I made a late night run to the CVS store just down the road for some prenatal vitamins. Alli stayed with me for a little while as I slowly overcame my shock and talked about all that I was feeling. We later got a text from Charles saying he was on his way home.

When he arrived and after Alli left, I tried my best to play it cool. In the last five hours, I had quickly realized I am really bad at playing it cool. When Charles saw my face he immediately knew something was up.

“What?” He said frozen trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

“I’m just happy to see you.” I said trying to work my way into the conversation… instead of just blurting it out like I wanted too.

“You can’t fool me, you look like you want to say something.” He said very persistent. Crap, I knew I wasn’t able to keep it together for long. He knows me too well. We made our way over to the couch. He started organizing his backpack and setting up his saxophone. “Just tell me.” He said.

“I took a pregnancy test…. and it…. was positive.” I said very hesitant. The reason I was hesitant is not because I was afraid he would be mad, it was more because it wasn’t planned and I just didn’t know how we were going to figure all this out.

“No you’re not.” He said sternly. Well, that response threw me off.

“Yes I am.” I said reassuringly.

“Quit playing.” He said. Okay, he was obviously in denial.

“I am… do you want to see the tests?” I said. I mean I wasn’t lying. Charles was quiet for what felt like forever, but really only about a minute.

“Okay, well I’m glad you told me. We’ll figure this out.” He said calmly. That’s the reaction I was looking for. Charles continued to be in shock for the next few days, but he slowly came around and got excited.

Telling Jeanie and Reaghan…..

Thursday January 10th, I was still in shock. Honestly, I was still in shock for a good two weeks. That particular day was very busy. I went to my internship from 8 – 3:30pm and then headed to campus for a meeting of the student organization I was apart of. When heading to the meeting I was slightly thankful that I hadn’t heard from my closest friends at school in awhile. To be honest, I was kind of avoiding them. I knew if they saw me, they would read it all over my face… because we’ve already established I’m really bad at playing it cool.

I walked into the building and headed up the stairs. I stopped when I saw Reaghan sitting on the stairs talking on the phone. Why is she here? I thought. She waved hi to me and continued talking on the phone. I suddenly got really anxious and didn’t know what to do. I walked up the stairs and then saw Jeanie. Oh crap…. I’m not gonna be able to hide this. I then walked back down the stairs. I considered leaving but realized I couldn’t because I was the Vice President of this group. I then headed back up the stairs and paused midway. Reaghan stopped talking on the phone and looked at me very concerned.

“Are you okay?” She said staring at me. Uh… no, I just found I’m pregnant and I’m freaking out. But it’s cool, I’m fine. I was so conflicted, but Charles and I weren’t ready to tell people yet.

“Yeah… I’m fine.” I said and quickly headed up the stairs. I saw Jeanie and asked her to follow me. We headed to my professor’s office. Now, this professor is not like any other professor. She is literally one of my biggest cheerleaders at school. She has helped me and Jeanie both so much on personal stuff and stuff pertaining to school. Sure, her assignments stress me out sometimes, but overall she is great.

Jeanie and I walked into my professor’s office. She greeted us and said she was excited to see us. I told Jeanie to close the door because I was literally about to burst.

“What’s going on? You look tired.” My professor said concerned. I stared at her and Jeanie and just let it out.

“I’m just really stressed and overwhelmed…” I started sobbing at this point. “And I just found out that I’m pregnant.” Both Jeanie and my professor gasped and covered their mouths. It was in sync. It was great. “So yeah, I’m tired.” Jeanie and my professor both stood in shock.

“Oh my gosh… are we happy about this?” My professor asked cautiously. I continued sobbing.

“Yes, I mean I’ve always wanted kids…. I just thought it would be once I’m done with school.” I said sobbing. My professor gave me a hug. I didn’t know it at the time but Jeanie texted Reaghan during this time. Reaghan entered the office.

“You have news?” Reaghan said. Jeanie and my professor looked at me eagerly.

“Kaylee has news.” Jeanie said excitedly. Reaghan looked at me. I pulled out my phone and tried finding a picture of the pregnancy tests. Suddenly, I was startled because Reaghan figured it out.

“Is it a baby?! YOU’RE HAVING A BABY!?…. Oh Kaylee, give me a hug!” I was then tackled by a group hug by Reaghan, Jeanie and my professor.

Telling Andrea…

Okay, so do you remember that show ICarly? Well, me and my friends used to like that show as teenagers. At some point when that show was really popular they had ICarly toys at McDonalds, and for what ever reason I got a ‘magic meatball’ from McDonalds that was part of the show. The magic meatball in the show was basically a magic 8 ball,

So, on the evening on January 10th, my friend Andrea sent me a Snapchat video. In the video Andrea explained that she found the magic meatball we had when we were kids. I honestly thought we got rid of it a long time ago. In the video Andrea held up the meatball and said “Magic meatball… is Kaylee pregnant?” She pressed the button on the magic meatball and it said “The answer is no.” She then said. “The meatball said no, I guess you’re not pregnant.” The video ended and I busted up laughing. What are the odds that she would ask me that the day after I found out. I texted Andrea and decided to break the news…. After all, she is kind of the reason I took the test in the first place.

Kaylee: The meatball said no?

Andrea: Yes… guess that’s how it is then.

Kaylee: It’s inaccurate then.

Andrea: Wait What!?!? Are you for reals?!

I then sent her the picture of the pregnancy tests.

Andrea: Oh my word Kaylee I’m so excited for you!!!!

Telling my Parents…

On Saturday January 12th, the shock was slowly starting to wear off. I started doing a lot of research on pregnancy, babies, diet and anything else I could think of. As much as these different materials helped, I really just wanted to talk to my mom. Charles and I talked it over, and we agreed it was okay if I told my parents. That morning I called my mom… and I chickened out. I told her I really needed to talk to her but I hesitated and asked her just to call me later. That evening she called me, and I knew I needed to tell her.

Mom: “Hi… you wanted me to call you.”

Kaylee: “Yeah… I um… have to tell you something.”

Mom: “Okay.” It was silent. “Go ahead and tell me.”

Kaylee: “I’m scared.”

Mom: “it’s okay, tell me.”

Kaylee: “Don’t be mad okay….”

Mom: “Okay, tell me.”

Kaylee: “I umm… was three days late for my period… so…. I took a pregnancy test on Wednesday… and um it said I was pregnant, and I took a second pregnancy test and that one also said I was pregnant.” My Mom was silent.

Mom: “………………ok………sigh……….ok………what does that mean regarding school?”

Kaylee: “Um, I guess I will have to go part time or take a semester off and finish up in June 2019.”

Mom: “Okay…… Are you okay?”

Kaylee: “Yeah, I’m okay…….. Are you mad?”

Mom: “No, I’m not mad…… Can you tell you’re Dad?”

Kaylee: “Yeah” I said hesitant.

My Mom handed my Dad the phone and said “You’re daughter needs to tell you something.”

Dad: “Hello.”

Kaylee: “Hi Daddy”

Dad: “Hi Sweetie, what’s up?”

Kaylee: “Don’t be mad okay….?”

Dad: “Okay” He said sounding confused.

Kaylee: “I umm… was a little late… so on Wednesday I took a pregnancy test and it said I was pregnant. Then I took a second one, and it also said I was pregnant.”

Dad: “Okay, WOW. Well…. congratulations. I know this wasn’t planned but I’m happy for you and Mom and I will be thinking about you and praying for you.”

Kaylee: “Thank you” I started to cry.

Dad: “What’s important now is that you get in to see a doctor so you can be taken care of, okay?”

Kaylee: “Okay”

Dad: “We love you, we’re always here for you. Congratulations.”

Kaylee: “Thanks Dad.”

Well, when telling my parents I actually expected complete opposite reactions from both of them. When I broke the news to my mom she was really shocked, and even admitted it in a text that evening. I expected her to be excited right away. My Dad on the other hand, I expected to be in shock like my mom was, but instead he was excited and very reassuring.

Finding out I was Pregnant…

On Wednesday January 9th, my spring semester had just begun. My friend Andrea was in town and we made plans to hang out with her sister Alli. After I got out of class at 11:30 we headed over to Alli’s apartment. Spending time with these two, it felt like no time had changed. Sure, we hadn’t seen each other in months due to work, school and other obligations, but it was nice that we could pick up in our funny and intimate conversations right where we left off.

That day, I remember feeling very nauseous. This symptom wasn’t very out of the ordinary for me. Since having my gall bladder out when I was fourteen, I seem to get nauseous pretty easily. But this was different. Sometimes I get nauseous if I don’t eat, but I was still feeling nauseous even after I ate. Nothing was satisfying this hunger or nausea. During our time together, Andrea asked me what was wrong.

“I just feel really nauseous” I said while staring at a bowl of popcorn.

“Oh, I’m sorry….. could you be pregnant?” She asked with a slight smile.

“No, I’m not” I said. Then got to thinking about it. I am three days late. But I’ve been three days late before. So, no I’m not pregnant. I’m just gonna start my period any time now.

“Is it possible?” She asked some what eager.

“Of course it’s possible.” I said very matter of factly. I mean, I am married and I do have sex. So, the only way to be 100% protected from pregnancy is to be abstinent. And let’s be real… that’s not an option for me. 🙂

The conversation changed to something else, and I tried just to brush it off. Later that day I headed to work and made pizza and cut chicken at the dining center on campus. Throughout my shift I couldn’t help but wonder. Could I be pregnant? I didn’t feel good, but it could just be PMS. I was a few days late, but I have been a few days late before. I did stop taking my birth control for awhile and we just used condoms. Did we forget to use a condom a few times? Why can’t I remember? I was stone cold sober so I should be able to remember. As I was having a million thoughts race around in my head, and ultimately freaking myself out… I texted my friend Alli on my break. I told her I was freaked out and asked her to pick up two pregnancy tests, and if she could come over after I got home from work.

When I got home from work I was anxious. I felt ridiculous. There’s no way I’m pregnant. Charles left to go to a study group and I tried my best to play it cool. I know how he is and there’s no need to freak him out until I know for sure. After Charles left I took some time to calm down and pray that everything we be okay no matter what happens.

When Alli arrived she had the biggest freakin’ grin on her face.

“Stop!” I said matter of factly, red in the face.

“I didn’t say anything.” She said with a chuckle.

“No, but your face said it all!” I said very sassy.

Alli just smiled and gave me the pregnancy test box. She bought the really expensive Clear Blue brand. One test had the lines and the other test has the word “pregnant” or “not pregnant”. She told me she’d be out in my living room waiting.

I went into the bathroom and closed the door. I decided to use the digital test first. I grabbed a Dixie cup and peed in the cup. I then dipped the stick into my urine and set the timer on my phone. In three minutes I would get the results. In those three minutes I refused to look at the stick. In my mind I just kept thinking about my plan B. So, if I am pregnant I will have to lighten my load this semester, start buying maternity clothes, figure out what I can and can’t eat, get insurance, oh, crap I don’t have health insurance! By this time it had been just over a minute. I decided to sneak a peek at the test. I looked at the test and froze….

Pregnant…. I’m pregnant…. I’M PREGNANT!?!?

I stared at the test for what felt like forever. I was overcome by shock, joy, fear, excitement, confusion and peace all at once. I came out of the bathroom and went to Alli in the living room. I tried really hard, but there was no way I could hide the shocked expression on my face. She looked up at me and grinned.

“What?” She said staring. I set the test on the coffee table. She looked at it. “What!?” I sat down next her, and she clobbered me with a hug. “Oh, you have wanted this for a long time. I am so happy for you! Congratulations!” It’s true. I have always wanted to be a mom… ya know, I just thought I’d be done with school first.

Pregnant. I’m pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. Honestly, if my friend Andrea hadn’t asked me if I was pregnant, I probably wouldn’t have taken a test for a few more days. My life that day completely changed. Every decision I made this point forward wasn’t just about me or me and Charles anymore. It was about the three of us. This baby may not have been planned, but that didn’t matter to me. I was pregnant and this was only the beginning.

{ADVERTISEMENT) KER Creations studio is a cute baby boutique inspired by my Angel Mackenzie. In my studio I sell baby hats, baby bows, baby Christmas ornaments, Mommy and Me hats and MORE!

Leap of Faith

Hello World!

My name is Kaylee. I’m taking a leap of faith by starting a blog. I’ve actually always wanted to start a blog, but never had the courage. Honestly, I didn’t really think I had anything worthy of reading and writing about…. until now. Recently, in a counseling appointment, I came to the realization that I wanted to share my story. Therefore, my counselor encouraged me to journal and blog. So, here I am. Before I dig into the nitty gritty of what this blog is about, let me tell you a little bit about myself.

I am 23 years old and have been married to my husband Charles for 2 1/2 years. We live in the beautiful state of Michigan, and I have lived here all my life. We are both full time students balancing classes, jobs, and our marriage. I am currently studying Family Life Education, and my hope is to graduate December 2019… but we’ll see. In my spare time I enjoy spending time with my family, knitting and crocheting, writing (….da, that’s why I created a blog), organizing and decorating, traveling… especially to the lake shore, sleeping, and binge watching Netflix. 🙂

Creating this blog was a big step. This past year, I have had insane ups and downs, grief, joy, trauma, anxiety, depression and crisis of faith all wrapped in one. In order to get through these many obstacles in my life, I have had to be willing to pursue a journey towards healing. This has not been easy. It is incredible that one large event can create ripples through out my life, family and friends, and affect everything. What I went through on February 25th, changed my life forever.

I am 1 in 4 women who have suffered a miscarriage. I refuse to stay silent about the trauma I have endured. Miscarriages are more common than people realize because we don’t talk about them. Since my experience I feel that I need to share my story, not only for myself and my own personal healing, but also for other women who are suffering in silence.

I realize that reading about a miscarriage can be sad. I also realize that my story can be triggering to others, as everyone goes through something in their life. So, if you are triggered or are unable to continue reading what I have wrote, it’s okay to stop and take care of you. I appreciate you reading this far. 🙂 I am going to be sharing very intimate details of my miscarriage that may be hard to hear… but unfortunately the reality is miscarriage in itself is hard to hear. I also realize that any woman reading this may have also suffered a miscarriage in the past, present and future. My goal of this blog is not to make others sad, but to bring awareness about miscarriage.

So, if you are still with me and want to hear my story then sit back, relax and come with me as I embark on this journey of writing and healing.