A longing to be a mom is something I have had for a very long time. I’ve struggled the last couple years with anxiety, depression, hypothyroidism, possible endometriosis and recurrent pregnancy losses. It has been challenging to say the least.
Recently, Charles suggested that I create a vision board… something that displays my many hopes and dreams of being a mom, whether it’s through pregnancy, IVF, surrogacy or adoption.
Today I spent at least three hours creating my vision board. I found it very therapeutic to create an art project that in many ways encompasses the desires of my heart.
This vision board now holds a gentle reminder to keep the faith. Somehow and some way I feel called to be a mom. I believe someday Charles and I will make amazing parents. I don’t know how or when, but I know we will one day raise children of our own.
So for now I am going to focus on my vision, keep the faith God has given me, and hope that there is goodness coming. Good things come to those who wait. ❤️
Hello Friends! I just thought I would take a minute and give you a little update on my plants. If I were to be honest, I would have to say I think I’ve planted roughly 15 plants this year. And due to the weather, and my forgetting to water them sometimes I have had to start over and replant some. So, currently I have 7 plants!
Sandy is my palm tree that I bought on Palm Sunday. She is an indoor/outdoor plant. At the moment she is outdoors because I have a kitten that I don’t trust enough to leave her alone. Anyway, she’s grown at least 4 inches since I got her and is thriving.
Clive the Chive is huge and over grown. I’ve cut chives off him many times but I can’t seem to eat the chives as fast as he can grow them. But overall he is doing well.
Here’s the spice girls. To be honest I thought they were dead for the longest time. I didn’t see anything sprout and was super concerned. But she made it and is doing well.
This is the newest member to the plant family. This is a spinach plant that I guess I will name Ralph. I planted Ralph on Saturday and I am optimistic he will grow and thrive.
This is my green pepper plant. To be honest I thought this plant was dead too. When I first got this plant it was shriveled up and thirsty. It also didn’t help that I kept forgetting to plant it in a pot. None the less, when I finally planted this plant, she flourished. She currently has 4 green peppers growing on her. It also occurred to me that I haven’t given her a name yet. Let’s call her Penny.
Here’s Chester the mosquito plant. He’s huge and doing well. He’s does a great job at repelling mosquitoes.
And last but certainly not least, here is my tomato plant. I think it’s a cherry tomato plant but I can’t entirely remember. My Sunshine flowers didn’t make it, along Harry and Henry the tomato plants. So, I decided to try with this tomato plant instead. Let’s call this one Sylvester. Sylvester is doing super well. He has quite a few little green tomatoes on him. I can’t wait to eat them once they turn red.
Well there you go. That’s an update on my plants. How are your plants doing?
What’s my why? What’s the reason I get up everyday? What’s the reason I go to work and teach my preschoolers Monday through Friday? What’s the reason I spend hours writing my books, writing blog posts, and making a point to help others who are struggling. Why do I do what I do? What’s my why?
I get up everyday to help others. It’s what I’m meant to do. It’s my purpose. But often times, I forget about myself. I forget that I need to be taken care of too. I forget that as much as I open my heart to so many children, mommas and people, that I usually forget about my own heart and that it too needs to be nurtured.
Many years ago I developed a passion, a divine destiny, and longing to work with children. Throughout the years I have studied, and learned how to love, teach and admire each individual child that enters my life. Each child has their challenges, their own strengths, and their own story. And though I don’t always know how long each child will be in my life, it is my job as a teacher and as a person to show them love because that is the best gift I can give them.
My job can be so incredibly rewarding. I have built long lasting relationships with families, children I have taught, coworkers and other fellow teachers. Many of these people have seen me at my best and my worst. All of these people hold a special place in my heart.
Through my job as a teacher and as someone who loves kids, it can be very rewarding. It can also be very challenging.
Working with children is no easy task. It can be exhausting and emotionally draining. My patience is tested daily and sometimes hourly. I am constantly making decisions, considering choices, choosing my words, and considering how my actions can best teach and set a positive example for my kiddos. It’s not easy, but certainly not impossible.
Teaching has always emotionally affected me, as I am taking care of someone else’s kids when I so desperately desire to have my own. After suffering two miscarriages and reentering the education field, I am even more aware and emotionally affected by the reminder that I still don’t have my own healthy children.
I’m not going to sugar coat it. It sucks. It really really sucks. It’s not fair. It hurts. It’s hard. But I deal with it. Somehow I find the strength to get through it. Everyday, I ask the question, why?Why don’t I have kids yet? Why did we have to lose two babies? Why have we had to go through this? I wish I knew the answers, but I don’t think I ever will.
Through a lot of time, reflection, and healing I have seen how much of my grief, and frustration was turned into something good and used to help others. I started a blog. I’ve shared my story in person and in a magazine. I wrote a children’s book. I have connected with many women around the world who have gone through the same thing. My grief did not happen in vain, it was used to help others.
So you see, the reason I get up everyday to teach children, write blog posts, and bond with other women, is because it’s my purpose in life. It’s what I was made to do. Because of what I have went through, I am able to love and appreciate the children in my life probably more than I ever would have if I hadn’t experienced what I have. Without going through the trauma and loss I did, I wouldn’t have started a blog. I wouldn’t have felt so inspired to write and share my story. Without the bad things happening in my life, I wouldn’t appreciate the good things.
I do what I do because I love and want to help people.
I want to help moms, women, children and families. I want to help all of you. I want to support you, encourage you, guide you and strengthen you. I want to be there for you. That also means I need to be there for myself. I need to take care of me and be kind to myself while I also help others.
Again, it’s not always easy…. and it still really hurts that I am not a mom to babies here on earth. But I take it day by day, and know that my work on this earth is not going unnoticed. I love you all and I am here if you need anything. That is why I do this.
Have you ever heard of Ipsy? A friend of mine introduced me to Ipsy and it is truly amazing. No, this post isn’t sponsored and I’m not trying to sell you anything. This truly is just a cool company that I wanted to share with you.
Ipsy is a company that basically allows you to try different makeup samples each month. You first create an account, take a makeup quiz, find out what choices Ipsy has chosen for you and have it shipped right to your home.
It’s super neat. I am not a big makeup person and I like to drag my feet when it comes to buying makeup. But Ipsy gives me a chance to try different makeup products for a cheap price of $12. It’s awesome and I’m so glad I tried it. Go check out Ipsy friends!!!
Today has been a really rough day, and to be honest, I can’t even explain what made it so tough. You know how they say jealousy is a big ugly monster? Well, I would say grief can be a big ugly monster too. Grief seems to creep in when you least expect it and can linger and stay as long as it wants to. It can and is many times quite awful. Some days I can manage my grief of my past losses and muster up the strength and self talk just enough to feel better. But then there are other days, that the grief is so great… I can’t even get out of bed.
Today was one of those days. Today I had so much on my to do list. I was supposed to catch up on laundry, meal prep for the week, wash dishes, etc. and did I do those things? Absolutely not. I laid around, felt like crying, binged watched 7th Heaven, and cuddled my cat.
After realizing that the day had gone by, I started putting myself down, and feeling guilty because I hardly got anything done. But you know what? It doesn’t matter! My to do list that I didn’t get done was simply expectations I put on myself this weekend, and due to grief and exhaustion I just didn’t get to it, and that’s okay.
I guess my point in saying all of this is, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay that this weekend I didn’t do much but rest because in the end that’s exactly what I needed. The dishes, the laundry, it will all get done. So instead of putting myself down, I’m going to try to just live in the moment. I’m going to try to appreciate having time on the weekends to rest. I’m going to enjoy being a fur mama, until someday I can be mama to a baby of my own. And though my heart often aches and wishes for what is just not meant to be right now, I am going to just appreciate and be thankful for what I have instead of dwelling on what I don’t and what I simply can’t do right now.
This past weekend I was blessed to not only be given a three day weekend, but also to be able to go with my bestie Alli to a cabin.
Our trip was fun, relaxing and well needed. We not only spent some relaxing time at the cabin, but we also went shopping, stocked up on snacks, drinks and chocolate; and spent some time in the sun on the beach.
I didn’t realize it until after we came back, but going to the lake shore was on my bucket list, so now I am able to check this item off my list.
One of the best moments of the trip was probably Alli’s dog Tessa. Tessa is a shy, cute and curious puppy. She was very brave on this trip as she tried going in the lake and the creek for the very first time. She loved walking through the woods, walking through town and playing at the cabin.
One of the funniest moments of this trip was Tessa practically gassing us out of the car. On the way to the cabin and on the way back, Tessa kept tooting in the back and it was pretty terrible. In fact, we had to roll the windows down a couple of times. Regardless, it made for some good laughs and great memories.
Back in the beginning of April I planted some plants. Unfortunately none of them made it due to cold Michigan mornings, lack of sunlight and extra water. So, this past weekend I decided to try again.
This is my mosquito plant, and I shall call him Chester. I have Chester right near my door to hopefully keep the mosquitoes away. Bonus, Chester gives off a lemon-like fragrance that smells oh so fresh.
This is Lilly Lettuce. Lily will hopefully grow up and produce some yummy lettuce for salads and tacos!
This is Harry the cherry tomato plant. Harry is thriving in his watering can pot. I can’t wait to see your yummy tomatoes Harry!
These are my lovely radishes who have already started to sprout. I shall call them the Rebels because they took no time at all to reach their milestones.
These are the Spice Girl peppers new and improved! Let’s see if we can grow some spicy peppers!
This is Henry my BIG tomato plant. Henry has already grown an inch! I’m so proud of you Henry. Can’t wait to see your tomatoes!
This is Clive the Chive. Clive is pretty chill, just growing and smelling like onion.
Albert is back and cooler than ever! Albert is my cilantro plant and I can’t wait until you sprout little buddy!
This is Sandy. I didn’t plant Sandy. I actually found her in a store… and it was love at first sight. Sandy is thriving and she loves the heat!
And here are my flowers, and I will call them Sunshine. I was slightly nervous to plant flowers as I am not a huge fan of bees. But I think having flowers will be a nice touch to our balcony.
Well, there you have it. Those are all my plant babies! Can’t wait to see them grow, grow, GROW!
It’s a new year, new decade and new chapter. As I consider last year to be a year of grief and growth, I believe this year will be a year of strength and serenity. This year is going to be different. I am praying for it. I believe it, and I am speaking it into existence.
Even though life is unpredictable and we don’t always know what’s around the corner, I do have a few goals I will strive to accomplish.
1. Graduate with my Bachelor’s of Science Degree in Child and Family Development.
2. Complete my certification as a Family Life Educator
Book: There Was Supposed to Be a Baby: A Guide to Healing After Pregnancy Loss
Author: Catherine Noblitt Keating
Publisher: Hummingbird Press; Seattle, Washington
This wonderful book There Was So Supposed to Be a Baby, is an amazing resource full of stories, affirmations, advice, and even yoga techniques designed to help any grieving mother. This book is small and a perfect companion for the beginning of your grieving journey.
The author is very inclusive when discussing beliefs and faith. She states up front that if there is anything in this book that does not line up with your beliefs or values, feel free to skip it.
I loved this book as it allowed me to assess my mental health, give myself permission to grief, and put self care as a priority in my life. I highly recommended this book for any woman suffering a miscarriage and pregnancy loss.