When I was 19 weeks pregnant, my husband and I started discussing baby names. I wanted to find a name for a girl and a boy. I wanted to do this so that when we found out at our 20 week anatomy scan what we were having, we could give the baby a name right away. There was something about giving baby a name for the second half of the pregnancy that made things seem even more real.
On my birthday, when I was exactly 19 weeks pregnant, Charles woke up and told me he had a dream. He dreamt that he was at some sort of musical event and his old choir director from college saw him. They started talking and his old choir director said “How’s baby Matt doing?” Then he woke up. Charles had another dream that same night where he was playing with a baby girl named Grace.
Later in the morning as we were getting ready for breakfast Charles told me about the dream. He then suggested that if we were having a boy we should name him Matthew and if we were having a girl we should name her Grace.
I was shocked at his suggestion for the boy name, because Charles had momentarily forgotten that I had had a brother named Matthew. My brother Matthew died before I was born. He was 9 months old and died of a rare genetic condition, At first I wasn’t totally sure how I would feel about having a brother and a son named Matthew.
Throughout the week, I continued contemplating both the names Matthew and Grace. I focused mostly on Matthew because I still had this strong feeling we were having a boy. I decided to look up the meaning of the name Matthew just to see what it said. A gift from God. I thought How perfect is that!? Our rainbow baby’s name means A gift from God. Charles and I loved the meaning of the name and we also loved that it was classic, biblical and could be shortened to Matt or Matty.
About a week later we had our anatomy scan. We found out we were having a precious baby boy. We didn’t tell anyone about the boy name we had picked out until 23 weeks. At that time, I asked my mom if she would mind if we named our son Matthew. She was absolutely honored that we had even considered that name. She loved that her first grandson would be named after her son and she loved the meaning of the name.
So there you have it. We named our son Matthew. He is named after my brother and is our gift from God.
Hello Third Trimester, and Goodbye Feet! We are in the final stretch! 28 weeks pregnant, and baby is the size of an eggplant! Only 12 more weeks to go… if baby decides to come on time. 🙂
These last few weeks have been crazy with Braxton Hicks really kicking in, getting diagnosed with GD and my apartment being taken over by baby items. Never the less we are so incredibly blessed!
This week I have two appointments, one with a dietitian about my gestational diabetes and one check in with my midwife.
This is our rainbow baby for whom we prayed for, cried over and waited on. As we get closer and closer to our due date, I feel myself getting more anxious for the birth and what raising this little miracle will be like.
I know I am beyond blessed for making it this far in my pregnancy and I don’t want to take that for granted, but at times I do struggle to appreciate what I have and what could be.
I know as someone who has struggled with recurrent miscarriages, trying to conceive and endometriosis that it’s hard to see others on their pregnancy journey. I also know the fear and anxiety of being pregnant after a loss. Please know you’re not alone. I see you. I hear you. I am you. If you ever need to talk I’m here. If you need encouragement I’m here. If you need a hug I’m here. 💕
29 Weeks pregnant with 11 weeks to go! Baby is the size of a Acorn Squash!
This week’s symptoms include fatigue, crazy emotions, hunger and cravings, varicose veins, light headed-ness, increased thirst, hot flashes, round ligament pain, lightning crotch, nesting and daily baby kicks.
We can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Here are a few things we have completed in order to prepare for baby,…
Set up bassinet/pack n’ play
Start washing baby clothes
Finalize birth plan
Pack about 50% of hospital bag
This morning I had 3 doctor appointments including 1 with a nurse at maternal fetal medicine about my gestational diabetes, the second with a dietitian at maternal fetal medicine about my gestational diabetes and the third with my midwife.
At my first appointment the nurse reviewed with me what gestational diabetes is, how it affects baby and how we can manage it. At my second appointment with my dietitian we reviewed how to manage gestational diabetes through diet.
At my last appointment, I saw my midwife and baby and I are doing great. Baby’s heart rate was 140, and he was wiggling around in my tummy. My uterus is measuring right on track at 29 cm, I received the TDap vaccine, and I go back in 2 weeks for another visit.
We are 30 weeks pregnant, and Baby Boy is the size of a Cantaloupe! Can you believe it? We only have 10 weeks left until we meet our Baby Bear!
This week I started checking my blood sugar four times a day, and so far all my numbers have been in range. This week I’ve been really struggling with sleep. I know they say you don’t sleep in the third trimester, and I guess I thought they were kidding. If I’m not waking up because I have to pee I’m usually waking up because baby is kicking me, I’m hungry, can’t get comfortable, have Braxton Hicks or I’m hot.
Other symptoms I’ve been having this week include fatigue, slight feet swelling and cramps, itchy belly, the starting of stretch marks, colostrum, acne, discharge, varicose veins, frequent urination and just lots of aches and pains.
So far we have the nursery about 85% complete! Still waiting on a few things like washing the rest of baby’s clothes, getting a hamper, diaper genie, and any other essentials I can’t think of at the moment.
Our hospital bag is about 50% complete and I still need to pick up a few things including deodorant, dry shampoo, snacks, going home clothes etc.
Here is to 30 weeks and only 10 weeks to go! January 6th can’t come soon enough!!!!!
Here is our big nursery reveal!!!
We currently live in a one bedroom apartment, so we will be sharing a sleeping space with Baby Bear at least for the first couple of months. Hopefully we will have a bigger space where baby will have his own room and place to store his toys, but still be able to sleep in our room until he turns 1. We got our travel size bassinet/ pack n’ play off of Amazon! It is a Graco brand and so far we love it! It’s perfect if you are working with a small space.
I found these cubes off of Amazon, and decided to use them to store Baby’s clothes, hats, swaddles, burp cloths and toys.
Baby Boy has 3 swaddles and over 30 hats all ranging in different sizes. He’s a winter baby being born in Michigan, so hopefully these hats will keep his head warm.
Baby Boy has a large amount of burp cloths and cloth diapers. I was told that cloth diapers work great as burp cloths!
Baby also has an abundance of books, and mommy has a thing for sloths so of course he has some sloths.
I plan to have all size newborn and 3 month clothes washed and ready to go before baby arrives.
Books, books, and more books. This year due to covid, I had a virtual book party instead of a baby shower, and let me tell you…. Baby was blessed with more than enough books.
We have lots of blankets washed and ready! Some are quilts, some knitted and some Sherpa.
Socks, booties, slippers and shoes are all organized in here.
Diapers and wipes are easily accessible and near the bassinet which is where we plan to change baby a majority of the time.
Diaper caddy is full of diapers, Vaseline, wipes, burp cloths, corn starch and first aid kit.
Thanks for stopping by my tour of Baby Boy’s nursery!
31 weeks pregnant! This week, baby boy is the size of a bunch of asparagus!
Symptoms this week include aches and pains, fatigue, rib pain, lots of baby movement, slight stretch marks, weight gain, acne, oily hair, increased colostrum, back pain and cravings.
We had a OB appointment this morning and everything is going great! Baby is head down like I suspected. He may flip around here and there before 36 weeks but we’ll see. 🤷🏻♀️
Baby’s heart rate was 135. I have no infections and blood sugar is looking great.
We only have 9 weeks to go! We’ve gotten a lot of things done and have a lot of things to do still. Here’s a few things I hope to get done in the next two weeks.
Pick a Pediatrician
Deep Clean the Apartment
Finish Packing the Hospital Bag
Finish Washing All Baby Clothes
9 weeks left to go! We got this 🙂
Officially 8 months pregnant! 32 weeks and Baby Boy is the size of a squash! We only have 8 weeks to go!
This week has been crazy and I’m a little late posting a bump update, but trust me… I’ve had a good reason. About a week ago I was exposed to someone with Covid. I got a test on Wednesday and tested negative. I started to develop Covid/flu like symptoms Wednesday night. I got retested yesterday (Sunday) and tested positive for Covid.
This week has been exhausting, challenging and scary to say the least. I am fully vaccinated, and have known full well that I could still get Covid while vaccinated but I can honestly say I did not expect to get Covid 8 months pregnant. I have developed pretty much all the symptoms of Covid these last 6 days including cough, fever, sore throat, runny/stuffy nose, shortness of breath, fatigue, body aches, diarrhea, headaches, loss of smell and partial loss of taste.
A lot is up in the air at the moment as I am still waiting to hear from my OB about any testing or extra monitoring for baby and I that may need to be done. All in all, I’m doing okay. It honestly depends on the moment.
Baby is still moving and grooving which gives me great peace of mind. I am also doing my best to rest and take it easy at home while I can before I return to work and leave for maternity leave in a few weeks.
I would appreciate any prayers and good thoughts for my hubby, baby and I. It’s a scary time and there is so much unknown still about Covid. Regardless of our fears we are still doing our best to trust and have faith that we will get through this and all be okay and healthy very soon. ❤️
Already 33 weeks pregnant, with 7 weeks to go! The third trimester is flying! Baby Boy is the size of a stalk of celery and roughly 4 lbs.
This week mama is trying, but mama is tired. Testing positive for Covid and being quarantined for almost two weeks was not in the plans, but thankfully Baby Boy and I are surviving and getting through.
Baby and I had a non stress test done and a check in with our midwife this morning and so far all is going well. Since I have GD and tested positive with Covid so close to delivery, I am now considered to have a high risk pregnancy. From here on out, baby and I will be monitored closely through non stress tests and at least one more ultrasound.
Covid is scary, and Covid is exhausting. I’m truly thankful for my husband who has been taking such good care of us as well as my doctors to make sure we will be on the mend very soon.
On the plus side, since I have been home so much these past 10+ days we have been able to…
Get hospital bags packed and ready to go.
Finalize our birth plan
Wash all of baby’s clothes
Watch endless hours of movies on Disney+ 🥰
Thank you everyone who has been praying and checking in on us. Please continue to pray for us as we get through this Covid junk as well as the rest of my pregnancy. ❤️
34 weeks pregnant with 6 weeks (or less) to go! This week baby is the size of Butternut Squash! How fitting it is with it being Thanksgiving weekend!
Symptoms this week include, back aches, fatigue, joint pain (in my hips and pelvis), colostrum, dry skin, moodiness, slight spotting and lots of baby movements. At my last appointment I gained 2.6 lbs, which means I’ve gained a total of 5.6 lbs this pregnancy so far.
My weeks are filled with working 38 hours or less, non stress tests twice a week, and preparing for baby boy’s arrival when I have the energy. We are getting so excited to meet him, and I’m starting to do some light exercises now, in order to prepare for birth.
Only 6 weeks or less for this pregnancy, and I want to hear from you! What’s your guess? When do you think Baby Rhames will arrive?
35 weeks with 5 weeks to go! We are almost there!!! This week baby is the size of a pineapple. 🍍
I am really starting to feel the effects of the third trimester. I never thought I would reach a point where I am sick of being pregnant, but dare I say it… it’s just so hard to do the everyday things anymore. Charles has to help me put on my shoes because I just can’t reach my feet anymore. Doing dishes, cooking and any task in the kitchen is nearly impossible with out bumping my belly on something. And if I drop something on the floor, it’s game over. Looking back I have had a relatively easy pregnancy, but I can see why they say it gets so hard at the end.
This week’s symptoms include round ligament pain, fatigue, Braxton Hicks, insomnia, pelvic pressure, stretch marks, nesting, heartburn, body aches, acne, and baby kicks
We got a few things checked off our list this week including
Installing the car seat base in the car.
Creating my padsicles.
Reviewing our birth plan with our midwife.
This week we also had 2 non stress tests and and prenatal appointment. Everything is looking great! My uterus is measuring at 36 cm, so about a week ahead and I’ve gained 1/2 a pound. Heart rate is good and baby is in a great position for birth as he is more on the left side and head down. He has hiccups a few times a day which is completely normal. Blood pressure is good, and we have been passing all of the non stress tests. The only concern this week is Braxton Hicks. I’ve been having about 2-3 every hour. Midwife says all is normal and my body is just getting ready.
5 more weeks to go! We can’t wait!!! 🥰
36 Weeks = 9 Months! Baby Boy is the size of a Papaya and keeps on growing!
This week’s symptoms include fatigue, increased hunger, pelvic/joint pain, back aches, stretch marks, round ligament pain, lots of baby kicks and rolls.
Our OB appointments the last few weeks have gone very well. We are passing all our NST’s and mentally preparing for labor and delivery.
This week I have been in full blown nesting mode. I have…
Deep cleaned my kitchen.
Deep cleaned my dining room.
Deep cleaned my living room.
Double checked my hospital bags.
Cleaned my carpets.
Picked up my breast pump.
Caught up on all the laundry.
Started stocking up on food and essentials for winter.
We are counting down the days until we meet our Baby Boy!
Here’s a good laugh for all of you! A quote from one of my preschoolers:
Child is rubbing my tummy and says “You’re having a baby? My mommy’s water bottle broke when she had my baby sister!”
Oh, from the mouths of babes. 🥰😂
So as many of you know, I’ve stayed pretty on top of documenting and taking photos of my pregnancy and bump progress. One thing I really wish I was able to do, is take some professional maternity photos. For weeks I tried budgeting for photos and we simply just didn’t have the funds. Then I tried reaching out to different family members and friends to take the photos, but it seemed like every time we tried to schedule something there was either bad weather or someone was exposed to Covid.
Thankfully at 35 weeks, my Mama took some time out of her day to take a few cute maternity pictures of us. They turned out adorable and I’m thankful for what we have! 🥰
Baby Bear, we love you so much and can’t wait to meet you! 💕
37 Weeks! Baby is officially considered “Early Term” and is the size of a head of romaine lettuce.
It has been an exciting week, with lots of doctor appointments as we get closer to our due date.
On Monday morning, Baby was up kicking momma from 2-5am. After that he fell asleep. I went to my non-stress test at 8am. The way the test works is within a half hour they are looking for two accelerations of baby’s heart rate (heart rate needs to go up 15 beats and stay there for 10 seconds, Ex Baseline is 140, so he needs to reach 155 at least for ten seconds twice). Unfortunately during the test, he was only able to do this once, even after using a buzzer like tool on my belly to wake him up. So my nurses ordered an ultrasound. A little while later I had an ultrasound to check on baby and make sure he was alright.
As we suspected, baby boy was doing just fine and sleeping the day away since he was up partying all night long.
Thursday, I had a full morning of appointments. First a non-stress test which baby passed with flying colors. Then a check in with my midwife. We reviewed my birth plan and everything seems to make sense and be in order. We also discussed an epidural, how it works and what I can expect. Finally, I did the Group B Strep test and asked my OB for a cervical check. I was just curious to see where I was at. We discovered that I am 1 cm dilated and my cervix is beginning to get soft.
Next, we headed to another ultrasound appointment, to determine how baby is growing. Since I have GD and had Covid later in pregnancy, my doctors suggested I have a growth scan since GD can make baby too big and Covid can make baby too small. It was so exciting to see baby on the ultrasound screen twice in one week. He had grown so much since our 20 week scan. The tech was able to confirm that we are certainly having a boy. We also found out that our little man has long thick hair! 🥰 Finally, we were told that as far as measurements he is just above average. Baby Boy is measuring at 37 weeks 6 days and at 6 lbs 15 oz so almost 7 lbs, and in the 63rd percentile. We will discuss at our next appointment if we need to schedule an induction.
At 37 weeks pregnant, this week’s symptoms include back pain, pelvic pain, lose joints and ligaments, diarrhea, fatigue, nesting, increased hunger, lots of baby movements, lots of emotional ups and downs.
3 weeks or less to go! Come on baby! We’d love to meet you in time for Christmas!!!
38 Weeks and ready to pop! Baby could come any time! This week baby is the size of a winter melon or a pumpkin depending on which set of measurements you go by.
Today we had a non-stress test and baby did great. He slept in the beginning and they had to use a buzzer to wake him up, but he started moving and grooving after that.
Later, we had a midwife appointment. I have gained another pound and have gained a total of 9 lbs this pregnancy so far. My blood pressure is looking good and baby is still measuring a week ahead. He is still head down, and in a good position for labor when ever he decides to get things moving.
We also talked to the midwife about my ultrasound. Since baby is measuring fine, and passing all of his tests, my midwife said they will let me go to 40 weeks and 5 days before having an induction on 1/11. I did ask to have a membrane sweep done and my midwife said at my next visit (39 weeks) I can have it done.
7 weeks vs 38 weeks
At the end of my visit my midwife did give me permission to try and induce labor naturally at home. Here are a few things she suggested I should try:
Curb Stepping
Exercising/Being Active
Eating Dates
Drinking Red Raspberry Leaf Tea
Doing the Miles Circuit
This week’s symptoms include fatigue, nesting, nausea, pelvic and back pain, irregular contractions, mood swings and lots of baby kicks. I’m getting very uncomfortable and not feeling cute these days as my clothes just don’t seem to fit right, and everything just feels snug.
This mama is trying and doing what she can to stay active for labor, and allow my body to get ready for whenever labor kicks in. We are getting so excited to meet our baby boy. We are still of course hoping for a Christmas baby, but honestly we will be fine with whenever Baby Rhames decides to make his grand arrival! 💕
39 weeks pregnant! Baby Boy is in between the size of a pumpkin and a watermelon. Something exciting happened this week. Baby officially dropped which means we are one step closer to starting labor and meeting our baby. ❤️
Mommy and Daddy and anxiously awaiting Baby Bears arrival. I am officially on maternity leave and have loads of appointments scheduled.
Today I have an appointment with my midwife where I am hoping to get a membrane sweep and schedule an induction in case he decides to be stubborn and not come out on his own.
Later in the morning, I am also scheduled for a pregnancy massage. My midwife made a recommendation that I get a massage in hopes that it will induce labor.
This past week I have also been trying to induce labor at home in different ways, including walking up and down stairs, curb stepping, eating dates, doing figure 8’s with my hips, the miles circuit and yoga.
This weeks symptoms include nausea, diarrhea, fatigue, nesting, frequent urination, Braxton Hicks, irregular contractions, pelvic and back pain, and lots of baby kicks.
I’m praying baby comes before the end of the year! ❤️
On Saturday (Christmas Day), I noticed my body starting to make some changes. I was feeling slightly more fatigued than I had been that week and took multiple cat naps. After one cat nap in the afternoon, I noticed a lot of pressure in my pelvis. No contractions but a little back pain. I got up and went to the bathroom. When I was done I did a double take in the mirror and realized a big difference. My belly was different. My belly was lower. Baby boy had dropped. I was ecstatic at this realization. Finally, things were progressing and moving in the right direction.
Throughout the holiday I continued looking at my bump and how it had changed. I also continued staying active and eating dates in case labor was truly just around the corner.
Sunday night (December 26th), I went to bed at 9:30pm. I woke up at 11:30pm in some pain and discomfort. I tried just brushing it off and continue sleeping. The pain and discomfort was similar to menstrual and diarrhea cramps. The pain also wrapped around to my back and down my legs. Since pain came and went, I decided to start timing my pains and what I suspected were contractions. At first the pain was every 15 minutes apart and lasting a minute, then every 8 minutes apart, then bounced around between every 4 minutes to every 20 minutes. As the pain continued throughout the night, I decided to call the on call number for my OB office and ask their opinion on what to do and if I needed to go to L & D.
After being on hold for a full hour, at 2:45am a nurse finally answered. She asked me some questions and I explained to her what I was feeling. The pain was not unbearable by any means, but I truly felt like what I was feeling were indeed contractions. After the nurse’s over the phone assessment, it was determined that I should go into L & D to be checked in case it was truly labor.
At 3:50am, Charles and I walked into L & D triage on the 4th floor of the hospital. I was immediately, assessed and hooked up to monitors. Baby’s heart rate was excellent around 145, and some very light contractions were starting to show up on the monitor at roughly 8 minutes apart. My nurse gave me a cervical check said I was about 1 cm dilated on the outside of my cervix but closed on the inside and 50% effaced.
After an hour of being monitored, a midwife came and spoke to me. She said that I was likely not in active labor but early labor. It was possible I could go into labor anytime or I could just be in early labor for a week or so. She also mentioned that she noticed in my chart that I had had Covid at around 32 weeks. Within the last few days it had just became a new hospital protocol that if moms in the third trimester test positive for Covid, they would have a scheduled induction at 39 weeks.
Once we were cleared to leave, we scheduled our induction for Thursday December 30th @ 7:30am. I was getting very excited that my body was starting to show signs of labor, and that we would meet our boy sometime that week.
Goodbye First Trimester and Hello Second Trimester! Officially 14 weeks! Baby is the size of a peach! 🍑 I could just scream with joy! I can’t believe it! 💕
This week’s symptoms include round ligament pain, fatigue, cravings, shiny thick hair, shiny skin, increased appetite, sciatica, bloating and a little bump. 🥰
I had a recent appointment at 13 weeks and 6 days. Baby’s heart rate is 155! Our next appointment is not until August 4th, for another check in with the midwife, and our anatomy scan on August 19th!!!
Since it is officially the second trimester, I guess I’ll start doing some planning. In the next few weeks I hope to…
Finish my Registry
Sign up for a Birthing Class
Research what big things I want for baby (Car Seat, Stroller, Crib, Pack and Play, High Chair)
Completely switch my closet over to Maternity clothes
Start cleaning and organizing the apartment.
14 Weeks! Let’s have a great second trimester!!!! 🙏💕👍🏼🥰
Is that a baby bump? Officially 15 weeks pregnant! Baby is the size of a orange!
This weeks symptoms include sciatica, heartburn, fatigue, moodiness, increased appetite, and round ligament pain.
I’m hoping to feel baby kick soon, but at my last ultrasound I was told I have an anterior placenta. So, it might be awhile. In just over a month we find out if we are having a boy or girl!
Charles and I have started discussing names… finally. There’s a few that we both like but nothing is picked out just yet. For now baby’s nicknames are Baby, Bug, and Mochachino.
This week’s craving include lemons and pickles. In fact I’m having dreams about them until I’m actually able to wake up and eat them. Oh and one more exciting thing that happened this week… I can finally drink coffee!
16 Weeks Pregnant! Baby is the size of an avocado. 🥑
This week I am feeling great! My skin, hair and nails have never been better!
I’m still really tired when I get home from work each day, but not to the point where I crash. This week I have also started to experience a lot of baby brain. I mean ALOT. I’ve also noticed a lot of changes up top as well… if you know what I mean.
I thought this week it would be fun to share a little comparison photo. The first is from when I was 11 weeks pregnant, and the second is now at 16 weeks pregnant. Man, what a difference 5 weeks can make.
I am still anxiously waiting to feel baby move. I kind of feel like I’ve felt baby but then I doubt myself and think it’s gas. Hopefully baby’s movements will be more clear soon enough.
Here’s to 16 weeks of pregnancy and entering the 5th month!
Yesterday, something amazing happened. After finishing a kale salad with a homemade lemon dressing, I was sitting on the couch relaxing. I kept feeling some weird nudging sensations, between my belly button and my underwear line.
At first I didn’t think much of these sensations and just assumed it was gas. Maybe 20 minutes later I felt them again. This time I felt them with my hand over my belly. It was an indescribable feeling.
I told Charles I couldn’t tell what it was but I almost wondered if I was feeling the baby kick. I asked Charles to put his hand on my belly and feel. Immediately the nudging sensation happened again. He said “That!? I felt it. It’s a kick!”
It was a really exciting moment. Thank Jesus for this beautiful human growing inside me. ❤️
17 weeks! Baby is the size of a pomegranate!!! And only 3 weeks until our anatomy scan and we find out the gender! 💙 💖
This past week has been very exciting as I have been able to feel little flutters and movements from baby! Others symptoms I have been experiencing include fatigue, cravings, colostrum, some shortness of breath, crazy vivid dreams, and round ligament pain.
This upcoming week I have one appointment and it is just a check in with the midwife.
17 weeks has me enjoying this sweet time of pregnancy!
18 weeks pregnant, and baby is the size of an artichoke! This week has been pretty crazy, so allow me to catch you up.
On Wednesday, I had a check in appointment with my midwife. We discussed my pregnancy symptoms, getting the Covid vaccine, birth classes and local pediatricians. My midwife checked baby’s heartbeat and baby was definitely moving around in there. She said everything sounded perfect and baby’s heartbeat was 150.
One issue that came up during the appointment is I’m not gaining any weight. In fact, I haven’t gained back the weight I lost in the first trimester which is about 6 lbs. My midwife encouraged me to increase my calorie intake by 300 a day and try to start gaining a little weight.
On Thursday morning I went to work like any other morning feeling completely normal. While at work I went to the bathroom and noticed a tiny bit of light brown blood in my underwear and when I wiped. It was faint but enough that I could see it. I prayed and tried to stay calm.
I let someone from the admin team know what was going on and that I needed to call my doctor. I called the after hours nurse service. I explained that I wasn’t feeling any pain or cramps, and that the blood was light brown. The nurse told me that it’s likely just old blood or I could have over did it. She said if I start to experience pain, cramps/contractions; I start leaking fluid; or the bleeding gets worse then I would need to call back and possibly go into labor and delivery triage.
Throughout the day I tried taking it easy. I sat down in my classroom more than I usually do, I drank lots of water and I didn’t lift anything over 10 lbs. Thankfully I didn’t experience anymore bleeding/spotting except that one episode.
Despite the scare this week, I am really enjoying feeling baby’s little flutters and I can’t wait to find out what we are having in 2 WEEKS! 🎉
19 weeks pregnant! Baby is the size of a mango!!! 🥭 I can’t believe I’m almost half way there!!!
This week’s symptoms include increased hunger, fatigue, sore hips, round ligament pain, ranging emotions, and a little bit of spotting.
Between 18 and 19 weeks I received my first dose of the Covid vaccine. Coming to this decision wasn’t easy but I decided to get it for a couple reasons.
1) I know I am high risk because I am pregnant and want to avoid as many complications as I can.
2) When I am giving birth, it will not only be flu season, but Covid will still be present and I want to build up my immune system as best I can, especially when I am in the hospital and the most at risk.
3) I wanted to have a fighting chance. I know getting the vaccine doesn’t mean I won’t ever get Covid, but if I do get Covid, I want to have a fighting chance and still be here for my baby.
At 18 weeks pregnant I had an episode of spotting. At 19 weeks pregnant I had another episode of spotting and some cramping. I called my doctor and they asked me to come in and get checked out.
At the appointment they first checked baby. Baby decided to move around every time the nurse pushed on my belly. As she pressed the Doppler on my belly, she caught the heartbeat for only a minute. Baby’s heart rate was 145. After that, baby decided to be a stinker and hide behind my placenta. 😂
The nurse reassured me that baby was fine, and I likely just have a fragile cervix. This just basically means I am more likely to spot after a pelvic exam, intercourse, heavy lifting, etc. She encouraged me just to take it easy through my pregnancy. And as far as the cramping, it’s likely a combination of my uterus growing and baby pressing on my bladder.
This week I am very excited because when I hit 20 weeks, we will be having our anatomy scan! I can’t wait to find out if Baby Rhames is a Boy or Girl!!!
Whoa! We’re half way there! 🎶 Officially 20 weeks, baby is the size of a banana! 🍌
This week has been super exciting for many reasons. Not only has nesting officially kicked in, but we also had our anatomy scan and found out baby’s gender! I will be revealing that in my next blog post!
This week’s symptoms include heartburn, cravings, increased hunger, fatigue, mood swings, slight back pain, slight feet swelling, insomnia, colostrum and itchiness around my breasts and naval.
Baby is still moving around and having a ball in my tummy! Baby is mostly active in the evenings and at night. 🌙
I feel like in many ways this pregnancy has been super fast and super slow. So far I already have a bouncer, car seat, stroller, and high chair. I’m hoping to order my pack and play this week!
20 weeks down and 20 weeks to go! 💪
On Thursday August 19th, Charles and I had a very special appointment. I was officially 20 weeks pregnant, and we were scheduled for our anatomy scan that afternoon. Before our appointment I asked many of our friends, family and coworkers what they thought baby was. I would say about 80% of people were guessing girl. Charles’ guess was he wasn’t really sure. From the very beginning I have thought that we are having a boy. However, within the last few weeks I was suspecting that we may be having a girl. Either way Charles and I were going to be thrilled with whatever the gender of our baby would be.
Before the anatomy scan, I was a nervous wreck. I tried to stay calm, pray and reassure myself that baby was just fine. We waited in the waiting room for about 20 minutes before getting called back.
Before starting the scan, the tech told us she would be looking at all of baby’s organs. She explained that she was allowed to tell us the gender if we wanted to know, and all the organs that she was taking pictures of. However, she was not allowed to tell us if she found anything normal or abnormal. After she was finished she would write up her report and give it to the doctor. The doctor would then come in, go over the report and do an additional scan.
The tech tried looking at the gender first since Charles and I had both decided we really wanted to know what we were having. However, baby was being slightly stubborn and sitting criss cross so it was very difficult to see baby’s genitalia. The tech decided to come back in a few minutes and see if baby decided to move.
The tech took pictures of the heart, stomach, bladder, kidneys, diaphragm, and brain. She then went back to see if she could determine baby’s gender. Baby was still sitting cross legged. The tech waited a moment, and the baby started to move it’s legs a little. The tech was then able to get a quick pic. She froze the screen and said “Oh wait, do you see what I’m seeing?” I said no because I had no idea what I was looking at. She then drew an arrow, and said “What do you think this is right here?” Charles and I looked at each other and said we weren’t sure. The tech then said “You’re having a boy, congratulations!” Charles and I were over joyed. A baby boy, and we couldn’t believe it.
Throughout the anatomy scan, I was slightly uncomfortable. It was very difficult to lay on my back as it makes me dizzy and have a headache. The tech allowed me to lay on my side to help relieve the back pain. I also had a full bladder that made my back pain worse, and the pushing of the probe very uncomfortable. After the 45 minute scan I was able to go to the bathroom and rest on my side. The tech left and said the doctor would be in shortly.
When the doctor came in, I held my breath. I was afraid of what the tech might have found. The doctor introduced himself and said the tech didn’t find anything abnormal. And the tech is usually right but it doesn’t hurt to have a second opinion. The doctor confirmed that baby is definitely a boy. Baby weighs approximately 12 oz. and in the 62nd percentile. Baby Boy’s heart rate was 143 and looked completely healthy. Charles and I felt so relieved that our baby was doing just fine.
After getting a burger and fries, Charles and I headed home. We called my parents and grandma and told them we are having a bouncing baby boy. We then ate our food, and put together a cute little gender reveal for social media. I shared with others that baby is healthy and that we would be revealing the gender at 7pm.
Before 7, I texted some close friends and family and told them we were having a boy. And at 7pm we made our big announcement and shared that Baby Rhames is a Boy and posted the picture above. People were shocked but very excited for us.
I am so thrilled to be a Boy Mom! Boys are just goofy, and energized and something else. I can’t wait to snuggle my baby bear, and raise him up to be a polite gentlemen. 💙
21 weeks, and only 7 weeks until the third trimester! Crazy how this pregnancy is starting to fly by. This week, baby is the size of a endive. I asked a few people what an endive is, and I guess it’s just like a fancy lettuce.
This week’s symptoms include cravings, increased hunger, fatigue, round ligament pain, overall aches and pain, headaches, colostrum and minor sciatica.
This week I have been able to feel baby boy move more and more. His flutters, and taps at 16 weeks have turned into nudges and kicks this week.
Soon I will be doing a quick baby haul and show you a few things I have bought and received for baby boy! 💙
22 Weeks!!! Baby is the size of a coconut 🥥 and the count down begins with only 18 weeks to go!
This week’s symptoms include heartburn, fatigue, increased hunger and thirst, moodiness, slight back pain, round ligament pain, Braxton Hicks, body aches, vivid dreams, colostrum and cravings.
No prenatal appointments until I hit 23 weeks. Soon my appointments will be increasing to twice a month.
Still in the process of nesting, cleaning and organizing. Part of me feels like I have plenty of time while another part of me feels like baby could come home tomorrow.
Also, we have decided on a name, but I won’t be sharing it for awhile. 🤫
22 weeks, here we go!!!
23 Weeks! Baby is the size of a Grapefruit! Both Mommy and Baby are doing well!
We had a OB check up on Friday and everything is looking good. Baby Boy’s heart rate was 135, and he was just chilling at the appointment since he was up all night kicking mommy. My uterus was measured and since I am 23 weeks, they were wanting the measurements to be between 21 and 25 cm. My uterus was measuring at 22 cm so everything is on track. I’ve also gained 6 lbs since my last appointment 5 weeks ago. So, I now weigh the same amount I did when I got pregnant and have gained back what I lost in the first trimester. Later in the appointment we discussed that I’m fully vaccinated, have been and will likely continue experiencing Braxton Hicks, and what signs to look for if I feel I may be going into labor.
At 23 weeks, this week’s symptoms include hot flashes, shortness of breath, round ligament pain, fatigue, hunger and cravings, baby movements everyday, slight swelling in my feet, and the start of some stretch marks.
Pregnancy is starting to go by very quickly. I’m excited but also feeling a little overwhelmed as I try to get what I can done and ready for baby.
24 Weeks! 💕 168 Days 6 months pregnant with 4 months to go! Baby is the size of a Cantaloupe.
Everyday, every hour and every moment is a blessing. I have back pain, fatigue, constant hunger, Braxton Hicks, the constant urge to pee, round ligament pain and other dailly body aches. But you know what else? Everyday I feel little baby kicks and wiggles, I experience joy when I am gifted fun baby supplies, and I fall more and more in love with every ultrasound as I get to see my beautiful Baby Boy. It’s all worth it. All of it. I still have my fears and anxieties of course, but I try not to let that steal my joy. I am so incredibly in love with this baby, and I can’t wait to meet him in January. 💙💙💙💙💙
25 Weeks pregnant, and baby boy is the size of a head of cauliflower. 15 weeks to go and 3 weeks until the third trimester!
This week’s symptoms include heartburn, fatigue, anxiety, gas and bloating, frequent urination, swelling feet, Braxton Hicks, colostrum and some dry skin.
My next appointment isn’t until October 8th, and after that I will start being seen every two weeks. I also still need to have some blood work done, and do my glucose test.
This week has been full of ups and downs, between working long hours, and grieving for a friend who suffered a loss. It’s been hard for me to enjoy my pregnancy when I see my friend going through so much pain and heartache. But it also encourages me to hold my rainbow baby belly a little closer and cherish my angel babies. I try to tell myself to breathe, and to just count my blessings. Don’t take life and every little moment for granted. ❤️
26 weeks pregnant and 14 weeks to go! This week baby is the size of a bushel of Kale!
This week’s symptoms include fatigue, hunger and cravings, heart palpitations, lots of baby kicks, round ligament pain, swelling feet, Braxton Hicks, slight leg cramps, and some intense emotions.
The day after I hit 26 weeks, I went and had some blood work done. I had a normal check of CBC as well as the second trimester glucose test. Unfortunately, I failed my glucose test and will now have to go in for the 3 hour glucose test some time next week. I am also slightly anemic. I’m not entirely sure what all of this means, but I am hoping that my doctor will get in touch with me very soon and offer me some guidance.
On a better note, I have an OB appointment coming up this week as well as a virtual Baby Book Shower! I am slowly but surely getting what I need for Baby Boy! My birth plan is written and ready to go, and I plan to start on my hospital bag this week!
26 weeks, here we go! 💙
27 weeks! Baby is the size of a head of lettuce! This is our last week of the second trimester, and then we are in the final stretch!
This week’s symptoms include Braxton Hicks, leg cramps, swollen feet, back pain, fatigue, hot flashes, strong and unpredictable emotions, round ligament pain, heartburn and baby kicks!
This week we had a little bit of a scare. While working on Monday I started feeling some minor contractions. I felt tightness across my belly, and pain around and under my bump.
I called into work the next day and talked to a nurse at my OB office. She said from what I was describing, it sounded more like the beginning of contractions verses Braxton Hicks. She told me it was a good sign that the pain went away with rest.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my OB to discuss any restrictions I may need so I don’t start getting contractions too early again. I am also having just a regular check for me and baby.
After my appointment I have to take the 3 hour glucose test, because I failed the 1 hour last week. I’m praying everything is okay and baby and I continue to stay healthy.
On Thursday, October 7th I hit 27 weeks. My very last week of the second trimester. I was already starting to feel really pregnant. I went to work that morning tired and sore from Braxton Hicks and possibly some small contractions earlier in the week. When I walked in the door, my boss notified me that we had some extra people and she said I could go home early that day if I wanted. I decided to listen to my body and take the opportunity to go home. So for the rest of the day I napped and relaxed.
Later that evening I started feeling very uncomfortable. My bump felt tight like Braxton Hicks, but I felt pain under and around my bump, I also felt some pain in my pelvis. I tried to just ignore this sensation and sleep it off. Rest didn’t really help and it was hard for me to get comfortable. After a few hours of this pain coming and going, I decided to call Labor and Delivery to see what they say. After everything I told them, they said I needed to come in and get checked out.
Charles and I headed to Labor and Delivery at 1:30am. I texted Alli and let her know what was going on since she is my second support person for birth. Alli headed to the hospital too. When we got there they took my vitals, asked me questions, I gave them a urine sample and they hooked up the baby heart monitors.
After the initial check in it was a lot of just sit and wait. Baby’s heart rate was anywhere between 139-150. They didn’t see any contractions on the monitor, and no sort of infection was seen from my urine. Around 3 the midwife came in to talk to us. And she said the pain could be a variety of things: Braxton Hicks, baby sitting on a nerve, baby growing, round ligament pain and lightning crotch. But we never fully determined what it was.
The nurses gave me some Tylenol and ice to see if that helped, and after about a half hour I was 100% better. I was released around 3:45-4pm. We headed home to get a little more sleep before my normal OB appointment in a few hours at 7am.
I went to my OB appointment at 7am. I discussed a variety of things including Braxton Hicks, work restrictions, breast pump, anxiety, and my 1 hour glucose test. The midwife measured my uterus and I was measuring at 27 cm. Right on track! Baby’s heart rate was also great between 139-145.
After my appointment I headed to the lab to complete my 3 hour glucose test. By this point in the morning I was starting to feel very sick as I had been awake off and on throughout the night and I had been fasting since 10pm. The test wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t wonderful either. I had to have a blood draw before the test, and every hour throughout. With each blood draw I felt more and more nauseated. It felt like time dragged on, and I was so glad once it was over.
I got done with the test around 11:30 and headed home. I ate some pizza, felt a little better and headed to work at 12:30. Before going in to work I received my glucose test results. To my disappointment, I again failed my glucose test. When I got to work I gave the admin team a note from my doctor stating I couldn’t work over 40 hours a week. I
I worked 12:30-6 and as I dragged my feet at the end of my shift I was done. It had been a very long day. When I got home, and got out of the car I looked up at the sky. In between glimmers of sunshine and rain clouds I spotted a beautiful rainbow. My day did not go as planned, but I was definitely being taken care of. Seeing the rainbow gave me hope. Hope for my current circumstances, hope for the future and hope for the rainbow baby I was carrying. 🌈
At the end of April, I was feeling rather emotional and overwhelmed. Mother’s Day was quickly approaching and it was hard for me to not carry the grief and dread I was feeling about that particular holiday. As I thought about Mother’s Day, I thought about last year when Charles and I decided on Mother’s Day that we would try again for our rainbow baby.
Fast forward to the end of April 2021, and I was feeling defeated. We had been trying for about a year and absolutely no results. Negative test after negative tests. Period after period. I was due for my period on April 29th. I was feeling discouraged and tired of hoping. I finally told myself to stop. Stop getting my hopes up and stop getting excited. I tried convincing myself over and over that every little cramp, twinge, mood swing and hot flash was just my period coming.
When my period didn’t come on the 29th I figured, it’s just late this month. I have had cycles of up to 34 days. I continued trying to keep myself grounded and tell myself my period was coming.
The morning of April 30th, I had a really strange dream. I dreamt I lost my sense of taste and smell but no other symptoms. In my dream I was walking around a room to different foods and flowers while trying to smell them. I instantly woke up sweaty, agitated and gross. My alarm went off for work, and as much as I didn’t want to get up, I knew it was time to start the day… and at least it was a Friday.
I went to the bathroom, and I started to get excited that my period still hadn’t come. I then thought, what if I take a pregnancy test, and when it says Not Pregnant I can stop hoping. I’ll know my period will show up anytime.
I grabbed the last test I had under my bathroom sink. It was the more expensive digital kind. I knew that it would be the most reliable tool I had besides getting my period.
I took the test and waited.
In the moment of waiting I just kept thinking Not Pregnant, it’s going to say Not Pregnant and that’s okay. I’m bummed but at least I’ll know.
It was 4:30 in the morning. I checked the test after 2 minutes. I squinted my eyes at the word on the screen. I was still tired with sleepies in my eyes. I read the word. I read it again.
Pregnant… huh? Where’s the Not? It doesn’t say Not Pregnant. Is it broken? Does Not pop up later? I took a deep breath and wrapped my mind around my surprising reality. I’m pregnant. No way! I’m pregnant! In that moment it hit me and I sobbed with joy, and with hesitation. I praised God and thanked Him for this little blessing!
I’m pregnant. Third pregnancy, here we go!
The morning I found out I was pregnant again for a third time, I went about my day as normally as possible. I went to work and taught preschoolers. On my lunch break, I came home and showed Charles the pregnancy test and he was happy but not surprised.
In the middle of the day at work, I went to the bathroom. I was happy to step out of my classroom and get off my feet for a moment. However, when I went to the bathroom I was surprised to see a little bit of spotting. Oh no…. not again. I instantly started to panic and thought I was having another miscarriage. I prayed that what ever would happen would be the Lord’s will. I was scared but I just had to trust and stay calm.
About an hour later, I went to the bathroom and saw no blood. I was relieved and filled with peace. I went about my day staying calm and trying to relax.
The next day while Charles and I were on a drive running some errands, I had to stop at the store to use the bathroom. While there I was surprised to see yet again a tiny bit of spotting. This time, I didn’t panic. I felt like what I was seeing was normal. With my miscarriage in the past when I was bleeding, the bleeding didn’t subside. It just got heavier and heavier until I lost my pregnancy. Whereas, the bleeding I was seeing now was still very light, and only happened once or twice.
Based on my symptoms, I am assuming that what I was experiencing was implantation bleeding. Implantation bleeding sometimes occurs when the egg implants into the wall of the uterus. It usually occurs around the time you start your period, so women sometimes mistake implantation bleeding as a period. Only a certain percentage of women have this, and is completely normal.
As I reflect back on my previous pregnancies, I don’t remember having any implantation bleeding with Mackenzie. With Chase, I remember having a very tiny bit before the pregnancy test turned positive.
Based on the research and what I know, I was not going to fret. The bleeding stopped, and I felt fine. So I was just going to trust that everything was okay.
After the weekend of finding out I was pregnant again, I called my OB office and asked if I could have my pregnancy confirmed. They said they were going to do a quantitative HCG level check to not only see if I’m pregnant but also see if my numbers were doubling.
Charles and I went to the lab after work and a few hours later I got my first set of results. While sitting on the couch I anxiously prayed and logged in to my account. As I scrolled and looked through my charts, I found my most recent test result. Before clicking the view result button, I prayed that what ever happens would happen. At that point in my life, I knew that I couldn’t control my circumstances but I had to trust and believe that God knew what he was doing.
When I opened my test results I was in shock. My HCG levels had already hit the 1,000’s and I was only 4 weeks. I couldn’t believe it. I cried. I danced around the living room and praised God for his love and his mercy.
The next day I received a call from an OB nurse. She said congratulations and that my doctor took a look at my labs, and everything looked great. She felt there was no need to have additional bloodwork done as my levels were in a great range. I asked the nurse a few questions and scheduled my first prenatal appointment. I was a bundle of nerves and excitement as I hung up the phone. It hit me all over again that I was pregnant.
I’m officially 5 weeks and baby is the size of an Appleseed!
Pregnancy symptoms include: sore breasts, nausea when I have an empty stomach, headaches, slight cramping, and major fatigue!
At this point in time only 3 people know, Charles, Andrea and my coworker Deja.
My first prenatal appointment is scheduled for next week!
So far, things are going well, and I am excited to see what the weeks ahead bring. 🙂
A few months back I wrote a post about being more like Hannah from the Bible. Coincidentally, I was writing that post around the same time I got pregnant. In that post I talk about how all Hannah really wanted was a baby. She prayed and cried out to God about her longing to be a mother. However, God made her wait and it wasn’t until she humbled herself and dedicated her unborn baby to the Lord, that she became pregnant and gave birth to her son.
When my pregnancy hit 5 weeks, I started to become very anxious. the shock of finally being pregnant again started to wear off and reality started to hit. My life was forever changed again. In 9 months I would be giving birth to a beautiful baby or at any point I could suffer another loss.
When I hit 5 weeks in my pregnancy, I laid in bed crying. I texted my friend Andrea and talked through my anxieties. I stayed up talking to Charles and praying to God about the baby.
A Mother’s Prayer
Lord, please forgive me of my sins and I just want to thank you so much for this little blessing.
Lord, thank you for this baby, no matter how long we may be blessed with him or her.
Lord, I want to dedicate this baby to you. This is your baby, that you have simply allowed me to care for. I am going to do my best to care for and love this baby.
Lord, thank you for this baby. Thank you that we are both healthy. Thank you for allowing me to get pregnant and thank you for this pregnancy. In Jesus name, Amen.
After saying this prayer, I felt peace and went to sleep. 💤
At 6 weeks pregnant, everything feels right on track! Baby is the size of a Sweet Pea!
My symptoms include morning sickness (nausea and vomiting), pelvic pressure, fatigue, food cravings and aversions, increased thirst, and frequent urination.
A handful of people know including some coworkers, Andrea, Alli and Charles of course.
Tomorrow is my first prenatal appointment!
Officially 7 weeks pregnant! Baby is the size of a Blueberry 🫐
This weeks symptoms include major fatigue, morning sickness and not just nausea but also puking while brushing my teeth. 🤦🏻♀️ I’ve also experienced some leg cramps but I called my doctor and it turns out I wasn’t drinking enough water. Things are better now though. I’m also experiencing vivid dreams, excess saliva, strong pregnancy nose, vaginal discharge and breast tenderness.
Last week I had my first prenatal appointment over the phone and all went well. I also had my first round of blood work and everything looks great. No gestational diabetes. Iron, and thyroid levels are excellent. No UTI or other infections. And no STIs of any kind. I couldn’t be more relieved with my numbers.
Tomorrow, is our first ultrasound scan. It was moved up by a week to give myself a little piece of mind. I’m excited and very nervous for this scan. I’m doing my best to trust in Jesus, and relax.
One other thing I would like to mention before my first scan is this. I think I’m having twins. I think this for a few different reasons.
1. My HCG was very high. Just at 4 weeks it was around a thousand and having a high HCG is sometimes a sign of twins.
2. Major Fatigue. I remember feeling tired in my other pregnancies, but the fatigue I am experiencing now is on a whole different level. No matter how much I sleep, I have the worst time getting up. I take at least one nap on weekdays when I get home from work and I take two or three on the weekend. Having this bad of fatigue makes me think there is more than one baby in there.
3. Intuition/Gut feeling. I just have a feeling it’s twins. I can’t explain it. Since I first got pregnant, Charles has also been thinking it’s twins. When I envision the baby, I see myself holding a girl, but I see my parents helping us care for a boy. I don’t have one strong gender feeling over the other. I feel like I’m having both.
4. The pelvic pressure is different. This time around I am feeling pressure from both sides of my uterus. It’s like my ovaries and the sides of my uterus take turns growing. Maybe that’s normal in a singleton pregnancy, I’m not sure. All I know is there’s a lot going on in there.
5. A Special Phrase. After my second pregnancy loss, a woman at my church gave me a hug and said something to me that has stayed with me since my loss. She said “All I know is you’re going to have double for your trouble. Yep double for your trouble. Who knows, maybe you’ll have twins.” She then laughed and walked away. This could just be me over analyzing little details or this could be something. I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.
6. God has a Sense of Humor. I grew up with best friends who are twins. I’ve also lost two babies. We plan and God laughs. Maybe it’s twins. Maybe he has chosen us to carry twins because he knows I have somewhat of an idea on how twins grow up.
All I know is, tomorrow we will have some answers. So stay tuned friends. 🙂
On Friday, May 21st I woke up at 4:50am. I tossed and turned all night as I anticipated my 7 week ultrasound later that day. I spent the morning watching tv, eating and resting. I tried my best to rest and stay calm before my appointment.
When 12:45pm rolled around it was time for us to head to our 2 o’clock appointment. I tried my best to be excited, calm and cautious.
We checked into the hospital at 1:45pm. The ultrasound appointment was scheduled at a different location because the location we usually go to was booked until mid June. My OB requested that I get an ultrasound between 7-8 weeks.
As we sat in the waiting room, I looked at my phone in an attempt to distract myself from my anxieties. When we were called back I held my breath.
When we got to the room, the person doing our ultrasound said she was a student, studying to be a radiology tech. She explained that she would do our ultrasound, then the tech would look it over, then send it to the radiologist to look over.
As I got on the table and laid back, I kept forgetting to breathe. I tried taking deep breaths and just praying in my head. I trust you Lord. It’s going to be okay. Please just have your way.
The student tech asked a few questions and went to work. She took a look at my ovaries, which felt like forever. She then took a look at baby. I saw a little blob on the screen and was hopeful. Okay, there’s baby. Baby is in the uterus. That’s a good sign. The student tech took a variety of images of baby.
Next, she brought up the heart rate scale. It was flat at first and I got scared. What if there’s not a heart beat? I then saw a wave on the scale as it picked up the heart beat. Then it went flat again. I held my breath. Was that my heart beat or baby’s? The tech started typing and then said. “Heart rate is at 147, and that is excellent.” A sigh of relief washed over my face. She looked at me and said “I knew you were waiting on that.”
After the student tech was finished she left to get the tech. The tech confirmed everything that the student tech found, and reassured me that everything looked great. I asked the tech if there was only one baby, and they both claimed that they could only find one. I was fine with that. The tech also told me that it looked like it was my right ovary that had ovulated so there’s a good chance that it’s a boy if my ovaries are quote on quote normal.
The tech gave me two pictures and sent us on our way. I was feeling beyond relieved and blessed by all that was done at our appointment. I couldn’t stop thanking Jesus. We got to see baby. Baby has a heartbeat. We saw the little flicker of the heart. Baby was measuring right on track at 7 weeks and 1 day. Heart rate was 147, and a normal heart rate is anywhere between 120-180. My due date didn’t change as it was still 1/6/22. All was good. All was okay. I was feeling so blessed!
I’ve heard it said that pregnancy after loss comes with a special kind of joy and comfort, but also grief and anxiety. It’s true. I’ve experienced this since the moment I saw the word PREGNANT on a test.
Everyday, is something I just try to get through but also just try to enjoy because I know this little life is precious and anything can happen at any moment.
It’s funny but I actually enjoy having morning sickness. Because when I have morning sickness, I know baby is okay. In my other two pregnancies, I felt my hormone levels drop and my symptoms start to disappear right before both my losses. I think I knew something was wrong but I just tried to ignore it. It’s like my mind couldn’t go there. It couldn’t face the loss that was about to happen.
So, I enjoy morning sickness. I enjoy feeling sick all the time. I enjoy the breast pain, the fatigue, acne, mood swings, everything. It gives me comfort and reassures me that baby is okay. In fact if I’m not feeling sick, I usually am praying that God will make me sick, just so I can put my mind at ease.
Being pregnant again makes me excited, of course. I’m also cautious. I’m cautious because I’ve experience the heartache of loss.
So, I take each day one day at a time. I’m thankful for every single day I have with this baby. I’m thankful for the morning sickness and everything that pregnancy brings. I’m just thankful. ❤️
Officially 8 weeks pregnant! Baby is the size of a raspberry. I am eternally grateful for this little bean that was sent from our Heavenly Father. ❤️
This weeks symptoms include morning sickness, mostly just consistent nausea but sometimes I puke. I’ve also had fatigue, breast tenderness, headaches, increased hunger, increased urination, bloating, and disrupted sleep.
This past week I told my parents and my grandma about our big news and they were thrilled.
For about a week I experienced some leg cramps that became intense and uncomfortable from time to time. I reached out to my doctor and it was discovered that I was likely deficient in magnesium. I was put on 400 mg of magnesium once a day and have seen major improvement.
Week 8… here we go!
9 weeks pregnant! I have officially entered the third month of pregnancy. Baby is the size of a cherry! 🍒
This weeks symptoms include sore breasts, nausea and more frequent vomiting, fatigue, increased saliva, acne, decreased appetite and frequent urination.
More and more people are either figuring out that I am pregnant, or I have shared our news with them.
According to my pregnancy apps, the placenta is about 90% formed and functioning. All four chambers of baby’s heart have now developed and teeth buds are starting to form.
Here’s to week 9! 🍕 🥤 🤮 🛌
Officially 10 weeks pregnant! Baby has graduated from an embryo to a fetus and is now the size of a strawberry!
This week’s symptoms include, nausea, vomiting, sore breasts, constipation, crazy vivid dreams, cravings and fatigue.
This up coming week I have two appointments, including a check for a UTI and my first appointment with my midwife/centering group.
10 weeks, here we go! Already 1/4 of the way there!
Officially 11 weeks! Pinch me I must be dreaming! This week baby is the size of a Lime!
This weeks symptoms include gas, bloating, fatigue, cravings, morning sickness, moodiness, hip pain, aching joints, increased urination, heartburn and round ligament pain.
No appointments are scheduled this week as I had 2 last week.
2 more weeks until the second trimester! Let’s do this!!! 💕
On June 18th, 2021 Charles and I decided to do it. We decided to announce our pregnancy and make it public. It was exciting, nerve racking, scary and wonderful.
I put together our message board and it read… For this baby we have prayed, our rainbow is due in January 2022.
We received an abundance of congratulations, well wishes and prayers.
Wow… I can’t believe I made it to 12 weeks! I have never come this far along in a pregnancy. I feel so incredibly grateful. This pregnancy hasn’t been easy by any means, but is certainly a gift I try to cherish and not take for granted.
This week, baby is the size of a plum! Just 7 weeks ago baby was the size of a Appleseed… crazy! Also, this week baby’s reflexes are developing and the intestines are starting to find their place in baby’s abdomen.
This weeks symptoms include morning sickness, fatigue, cravings, hip pain, round ligament pain, heartburn, increased urination, and increased thirst. Supposedly, this week my morning sickness symptoms may start to decline as I near the second trimester.
This week, I have one appointment. I am doing sequential screening, where they test for various genetic and developmental abnormalities through a blood test and ultrasound.
12 weeks here we go! Let’s finish up the first trimester strong!
At my last OB apptiiontment with a midwife, I was offered some optional prenatal testing called sequential screening. The tests looks for various genetic abnormalities including Down Syndrome, Cystic Fibrous, Spina Bifida and more. The test is done by looking and measuring baby through ultrasound as well as testing for different hormones through a mother’s blood draw.
I considered this test when it was first offered to me, and decided to do it for two reasons. 1) because of my history with miscarriages I wanted to know all I could about baby. and 2) with the family history of my brother dying as an infant I knew I could be higher risk for different genetic abnormalities.
On the day of the test, I was a bundle of nerves, as I always am. I went to work that morning as normal as possible. Teaching preschoolers was a good distraction for most of the day. However, as the time drew closer and closer to the test, my fears and worries started to creep up on me.
I confided in many of my coworkers, and they encouraged me and sent me many positive vibes before leaving for my test. The funny thing is, at the time I wasn’t even concerned about the results of the test or any genetic disorders that may be found. I was actually scared of the actual ultrasound. We all know how ultrasounds give me anxiety since my last two losses. I was more concerned that I had lost baby and didn’t even know it. What if baby’s heart stopped beating? What if baby stopped growing? In between work and my test I also confided in my family and friends, read my bible and did some deep breathing.
Charles and I headed to our appointment. I prayed and talked to him the entire time. Charles reassured me that everything would be just fine. When we arrived, we were called back immediately and shown the ultrasound room. Before laying down and preparing for the heated jelly, I confided in the tech and told her I was very nervous.
I laid down and prepared for the worst but hoped for the best. The tech turned on the screen, asked me some questions and began the exam. I held my breath and watched as she looked for baby. She said “There’s baby, and there’s the heartbeat.” I sighed with relief and thanked Jesus. The tech measured baby’s heart rate and it was 163. Perfect. She then started to take images of baby’s heart, stomach, head, and spine.
Baby made little movements here and there but actually looked like he or she was sleeping. The tech still had a few more images to take. She tried nudging baby with the probe and getting baby to turn or roll over… that didn’t work. She then thought she’d take a moment to look at my ovaries then come back to baby. She continued nudging baby with the probe, asking me to roll to my left then roll to my right then flat on my back. She asked me to roll quickly and roll slowly. She asked me to walk around, do some stretching, and anything to get baby to try and move.
As the tech tried nudging baby again, baby turned it’s head and looked at us. It was hilarious and obviously trying to tease the tech. Then baby started waving it’s arms and tried sucking it’s thumb. Baby even put one hand on its forehead, as if feeling irritated and trying to be dramatic. Baby was just stubborn and really wanted to nap. I told the tech during the appointment that this time of day after work is normally my nap time, so it’s understandable why baby wants to take a nap. Eventually, baby cooperated enough to where we were able to get all the photos needed for the test.
After the test I was given a bunch of pictures of our photogenic baby and sent to the lab for some blood work. I was told all of my scans and blood work would be sent to the Mayo Clinic and I would receive results from them within a week or two.
When it was time to go home, all I could do was stare in awe over baby. So many pictures. I got to see baby move and I got to see baby’s heartbeat. Charles actually enjoyed himself too because baby was starting to look like a baby! I shared the good news with my family and friends. They were excited, relieved and so happy for us.
I even shared this little update on my Facebook page as I truly want to not only share in my pregnancy with others, but also share the struggle of pregnancy after loss. I wrote:
It’s funny, now that writing is my hobby, I’m usually really good at explaining what I’m trying to say. But today, I’m at a loss for words. I guess I’ll try and speak from my heart, and maybe just maybe it will make sense. . I’m going to be completely honest, pregnancy after loss is freaking scary. Sometimes I lay awake at night worried, and over analyzing my symptoms hoping and praying baby is okay. Other times, I am happy, I am at peace and I am content. . Today, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I was hoping and praying for the best, but truthfully planning for the worse. When you’ve gone through loss you know what the heartbreak feels like and you remember the never ending grief, and in someways you never really escape it. . This afternoon we had a special appointment. I walked into the room holding my breath and giving it to Jesus. The minute I heard the tech say “there’s the heartbeat.” I knew it was all okay. . Baby is happy, healthy and stubborn! Heart rate was 163. And I’m measuring a few days early so we are already at 13 weeks! I don’t think I could have asked for better news even if I tried! Baby is okay. We are overwhelmed with joy and feeling so blessed!
Hooray Hooray!!! Officially 13 weeks! One more week until the second trimester! We can do this!
This week baby is the size of a lemon… ish. Since my most recent ultrasound it seems that I am measuring ahead by a couple of days. So really baby is between the size of a lemon and a peach. 🍋 + 🍑
This weeks symptoms include fatigue, cravings, less harsh morning sickness, constipation and hip pain.
Thankfully, my morning sickness started to slowly get better by the middle of 11 weeks. And now I’m only feeling sick about once a day. It was scary at first to feel the nausea start to fade, but having an ultrasound this week helped ease my fears.
And speaking of hip pain… within the last week I have had some pain in my left hip than has slightly intensified. I did my own research and from what I found, it was looking like I might be suffering from a pinched sciatic nerve. I called my nurse at my OB office and explained that I have occasional sharp shooting pain that radiates from my hip towards my groin, down my butt and down my leg. She said that a pinched sciatic nerve is very common in pregnancy as my hips start to expand and the uterus puts more weight on the nerve. She gave me some exercises, meds and heat remedies to try. She said after trying all of these, if it doesn’t improve I will need to consider physical therapy.
Besides the hip pain, things are going really well. I had an ultrasound this past week and got to see baby. And this week I have a check in appointment with my midwife.
13 weeks, last week of the first trimester. We got this! 💕
When my son turned 4 months old, life was getting exciting. He was starting to roll over, only waking up once at night and we were going to start introducing solid foods. He was and is my entire world. Our day to day life was busy with tummy time, nursing sessions, naps, Hey Bear and snuggles. Life was good for our baby boy.
I on the other hand started having some odd and random symptoms. When I first started nursing, I lost weight instantly. My mom said I looked skinny. I mean I lost 5 lbs in the first trimester, and gained 13 lbs until I gave birth. So in actuality I only gained 8 lbs since my pre pregnancy weight. Plus, my baby only weighed 7 lbs 11 oz when he was born. When I first weighed myself after birth, I lost 17 lbs.
On Mother’s Day, which was about 4 months postpartum; I started feeling symptoms. It got up to 75° – 80° that day. I was visiting my parents and we had all the windows on the porch open and I was freezing. I was in leggings, slippers, t-shirt, sweatshirt and I was still cold. I had legit chills almost like I was running a high fever. I checked my temp and was only at 99°. I had this symptom occasionally for the next two weeks.
Within a few days of Mother’s Day, I started feeling fatigue, nausea, leg cramps and a low milk supply. I decided to weigh myself around this time, as I occasionally did every few weeks and to my surprise, I gained 10 lbs in 3 weeks. What was going on? I was doing nothing different.
In mid May, I started having some major cramps. These cramps were just like contractions. The pain sometimes had me doubled over, and radiated from my pelvis to my spine. I was so confused. I knew this wasn’t normal. I took Tylenol to help relieve some of the pain and eventually it went away.
One night I woke up to these pains, and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was doubled over and crying. I was feeling chills again like I had a fever, but my temp was only around 99°. As the pain came in waves, I fought the urge to throw up.
I eventually decided to call my friend Alli and ask her advice. She thought it was possible I was starting my first period after birth or I had a kidney infection. I also called the on call nurse number to get some advice. The nurse on call also thought I had a kidney infection and needed to be seen. She suggested I either go to the ER in the middle of the night or call my OB first thing in the morning and ask to be seen. I picked the latter, snuggled my baby and tried to rest.
The following morning, I went to my parents house so they could watch my baby. I called my OB office and they were able to get me in. I had a pelvic exam/swab done, a pregnancy test and a pelvic ultrasound. Everything came back normal and the pregnancy test was negative. I was thankful they didn’t find anything seriously concerning on the ultrasound, but still frustrated as to why I was feeling the way I was feeling.
About a week later, I had my physical with my primary care doctor. My doctor did the basic exam, and listened as I shared my concerns about my strange symptoms I had been experiencing. She ordered a CBC , as well as spinal X-rays to see if what I was feeling could be related to my spine. After the appointment I got my blood drawn and waited for the results.
About a day later, I had some very shocking results. My thyroid numbers were off the charts. It was reading as very under active and affecting my quality of life. My doctor touched base with me after receiving the results and said I should be put on thyroid meds right away, to help my thyroid to work properly in hopes that I started feeling better.
After receiving these results, I did a little research on my own. I discovered something called Postpartum Thyroiditis, which sounded vastly similar to what I was going through. Basically, your thyroid is over active shortly after birth and within a few months postpartum it flips and becomes under active. This made a lot of sense. My thyroid seemed over active in the beginning of my postpartum journey because I was hungry all the time and lost weight. Around 4 months postpartum it became under active because I started gaining weight, experiencing major fatigue, muscle cramps, and my body was unable to regulate temperature.
This was all so fascinating to me because I seemed to have thyroid problems that were only related to pregnancy. With my first pregnancy, I didn’t know I had thyroid problems. With my second pregnancy, I was on thyroid meds until I had my loss. For my third pregnancy, I was only on thyroid meds for the third trimester.
Thankfully, I am now 8 months postpartum on thyroid meds and doing well. My weight has stabilized, my milk supply is normal, no more muscle cramps, and I am only occasionally cold. Postpartum Thyroiditis is something I had never heard of before, but it is somewhat common to have thyroid issues after birth as your body adjusts to not being pregnant anymore. Who knew?
With the news of Roe v. Wade being overturned by the Supreme Court on Friday, Facebook, Instagram and the mainstream media have been filled with both pro choice and pro life opinions on the matter. I have found myself reading and scrolling through social media as we all see the drama that unfolds across the country.
Now, I’m not usually one to write and or speak on political matters, but today I’m going to. I’m going to because this issue really shouldn’t be political but has certainly become political. In many ways I fear that I will lose friends on this matter, but in other ways I don’t care. We live in a free country and if they have the right to speak their mind then so do I.
I am a born again Christian. I am pro life. I believe life begins at conception. I do not like abortion. I understand that it is done and for many women they either choose that option and or feel that is their only option. I do not hate women who feel this way. I just know it’s something I could never do. At least that’s what I thought before this past Friday’s ruling….
On Friday, I started reading about women who use the pill to have an early abortion. They went on to say how this option will be illegal in some states and will no longer be available. This discussion reminded me of my first miscarriage. I had a missed miscarriage meaning my baby’s heart stopped beating at 8 weeks and 5 days but I didn’t find out until my 11 week ultrasound. My sweet baby, laid lifeless inside me for 2 weeks and 2 days until we found out at my ultrasound.
After my ultrasound I was sent to another room to discuss my options. They said I could take a pill to help my uterus contract and pass the baby, I could have a D & C procedure, or I could just allow my body to pass the baby on its own. At the time I remembered struggling on deciding what to do. Ultimately, I decided on a D & C.
It occurred to me on Friday that I technically had an abortion. I had an abortion procedure not to kill my baby and not to terminate my pregnancy but to clean out my uterus for my own health, so I didn’t become septic.
With the most recent ruling, I can’t help but wonder Did I do the right thing getting a D & C? Should I have not done anything? Should I have let my body pass my baby naturally? Did what I decided go against my ethics and morals?
These thoughts troubled me for a while. I know I didn’t kill my baby, but I did allow medical intervention for my own health. I also started to wonder how this new ruling will affect other women of pregnancy loss. Will they now no longer have the option for a D & C or a pill after losing their pregnancy? Are more women going to die from pregnancy complications and pregnancy loss?
I’m not sure. I don’t think there is a clear cut, black and white answer.
Do I think I had an abortion? Technically yes. According to the medical definition… yes. But if Jesus were to take me today, and I were to go before God, I don’t think I did anything spiritually wrong for putting my health first and choosing to have a D & C instead of naturally miscarrying.
This Roe v. Wade overturn is complicated and I don’t completely know what this means for our country. I’m scared and interested to see what happens next.
I wrote this post two years ago, and even though some time has passed since I wrote it, I still feel it is even more relevant today. I will be thinking of all Mommies this Mother’s Day, no matter what motherhood may look like to you. ❤️
It’s Mother’s Day. This is the day we celebrate all the mothers. We celebrate the women In our lives who have raised us, nurtured us and taught us how to be good people in our society. We celebrate the women who showed us unconditional love from the very beginning. This day is meant to be a celebration, but to many… it is a somber holiday.
Being a mother is a very special role. It is one of, if not the hardest jobs there is. That being said not all mothers are the same. When you think of a mother you likely will think of biological moms, step moms, foster moms, moms who have adopted and grandmothers. But what about the other moms in this world? What about the women who hold a mothering role in a child’s life, such as an aunt, cousin, friend, teacher, or mentor. What about the moms who have lost a child, whether it was a pregnancy loss, neonatal loss or loss of a child at an older age?
ALL OF THESE WOMEN ARE JUST AS MUCH MOTHERS, AND HOLD A SPECIAL PLACE IN OUR SOCIETY AND IN A CHILD’S LIFE.
And let’s not forget all the women who want to be mothers. These women may struggle with infertility, illness, are choosing not to have children at this time in their life or suffer from recurrent miscarriages. These women are as much mothers to our society and to children in our world, just in a different way.
This mother’s day is also different as the Covid-19 pandemic has prevented some children from seeing and celebrating their mother’s today. It almost seems as if there is a grief in the air just from the pandemic. I feel that in it self has made this holiday especially somber this year.
Even though this is a holiday to celebrate all the mothers, it is sometimes a somber holiday for those who have lost a child, who are unable to have children, or who have lost their mothers. If you are reading this, and you have lost your mother, lost a child or are unable to have children, I just want to say… I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry this holiday brings up emotions of grief, guilt, anger, sadness, anxiety and dread. I’m sorry for the atmosphere of loneliness you feel on this holiday. I want to remind you though that you are not alone. Yes, your experience is yours, but their are so many of us who too have experienced that loss.
THERE ARE SO MANY OF US WHO HAVE FELT THE PAIN THAT CAN BE EXPERIENCED IN THIS LIFE, EVEN THOUGH WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT.
So today, not only are we celebrating all the traditional mother’s out there, but we are remembering the mothers who have faced loss and heartache as well. I can tell you first hand, this day is not easy, but when the grief and loneliness become too much, remember to take care of you. Don’t have high expectations on yourself. Give yourself grace and love. Order food in, eat some chocolate, take a bubble bath, binge watch a comedy series, or stay in your PJs. Happy or not this day is about you and the love you’ve shared.
Today I will be taking it easy and remembering my babies I’ve lost because even though it hurts, they made me a mom. When the grief gets to be too much today, I will remember that I am not any less a mom because my babies are in Heaven.
I will end with this. It’s Mother’s Day, happy or not this is the day we celebrate and remember all mothers and to all the women who share that role. Thank you for all that you do and love that you’ve shared. I will be thinking of you today.
I never realized I could love someone so much… I thought to myself as I held my brand new baby not even 6 hours old. I looked into his deep brown eyes and thought I love you so much. I love you more than I ever thought I could. As each moment passes I grow more and more in love with you. With these intense emotions and genuine endorphin high, also came fear and anxiousness.
I felt a piece of my heart leave my body when I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy. It was beautiful but also incredibly terrifying. For 9 long months, 39 weeks and 3 days I carried my baby. I loved him, nourished him, prayed over him, worried about him and protected him. As a mama who knows loss, I knew throughout my pregnancy that at absolutely any moment this miracle baby I was carrying could very well be taken away. Throughout my pregnancy I continuously told myself things for me to make it through. I just have to get to 5 weeks… I just have to get through 6 weeks…. I just have to make it past the first ultrasound and if baby is okay, I’ll be able to breathe. I just have to get through the first trimester. And ultimately I would say I just have to get through this pregnancy. Once I get though this pregnancy I will be able to relax and all will be okay. Little did I know that my love, as well as my anxiety for my baby was only beginning.
While in the hospital the first two nights of my baby’s life I didn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep not because he was crying but because I was so scared of losing him. I was afraid he would stop breathing if I wasn’t watching him. I was afraid he would aspirate. I was afraid he would some how suffocate from his swaddle or his organs would suddenly stop working. It was a never ending cycle that I’m sure a lot of moms encounter. It was exhausting and sometimes hard to live in the moment and enjoy my sweet newborn.
As the weeks went by I continued the roller coaster of postpartum anxiety. Was Matthew eating enough? Was he pooping enough? He sounds congested, did he aspirate? He’s crying, is it a hungry cry or is he in pain? He isn’t comforted when I hold him, is he mad at me? He failed his hearing test, does he have an impairment. Throughout this cycle I had a hard time taking care of myself. I would forget to eat, forget to drink which would ultimately mess with my milk supply and make me irritable and impatient. I would refuse to sleep because I hated hearing my baby crying even though I completely trusted my husband when he would get up to care for him. I kept putting my baby first but forgetting that I can’t be the best mommy for my baby, if I didn’t try to take care of myself too.
Postpartum anxiety is a real thing. I had no idea. I had only ever heard of postpartum depression. But these moments of mind racing, panicked anxiousness was real and hard to control. I wasn’t crazy, but going through what a lot of mamas do.
Since becoming an earth side mama, I love deeper, cry harder and laugh longer. I also fear the worse and struggle with just letting go and letting God do what he’s going to do. Part of that is just being a mom and part of that is postpartum anxiety. Motherhood is a beautiful blessing and I thank God everyday for my beautiful rainbow baby. And with time, meds and rest my anxiety and emotions will eventually settle down some. I’m getting the help I need as well as taking it one day at a time.
Motherhood is a journey. Just like how trying to conceive, pregnancy and labor are all journeys in themselves; motherhood too is a journey… and accompanied by love and anxiety.
I’m 6 weeks postpartum. . My skin is stretched, my joints are loose, my hips are wider and I have stretch marks that serve as battle scars from my pregnancy, labor and birth. . But postpartum isn’t just about the body, it’s about the mind and heart too. I am forever changed by the journey I endured of growing, and birthing a little life. Just like how I was forever changed after I lost two babies. . In the last 3 years I have been pregnant 3 times. I’ve had surgery, became anemic, was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism and Endometriosis. I’ve suffered with grief, anxiety and depression. I’ve lost 2 babies, went through an anxious pregnancy after loss, fought covid during pregnancy and birthed a beautiful, healthy baby. . In the last 3 years I’ve cried more, I’ve loved more deeply, I’ve grown stronger and I have transformed.
I’m 6 weeks postpartum and I am changed yet again. . I never knew I could love someone so much… but now I do.
I never knew I could be so afraid of losing someone and stay up late thinking the worse case scenario… but now I do.
I never knew my anxiety could get 10x worse and I could have postpartum anxiety… but now I do.
I never knew another human life and I could have a strong unbreakable bond… but now I do.
I never knew I would look in the mirror weeks after giving birth and not recognize the woman staring back at me… but now I do.
I never knew that looking into my son’s eyes and seeing the way he looks at me would give me the strength to keep going… but now I do.
I never knew how emotionally and physically tiring life with a baby could be… but now I do.
I never knew how lonely postpartum could be… but now I do. . Postpartum isn’t just about losing weight or fitting into your pre-pregnancy jeans. It’s about remembering the person you once were and finding the person you have become, between being a new mom and being a woman. This is my story and the journey I am taking. 6 weeks postpartum is only the beginning and I’m going to continue to embrace the changes and learn as I go. I’m still finding the person I’m meant to be and I’ll continue to transform. ❤️
When I was 19 weeks pregnant, my husband and I started discussing baby names. I wanted to find a name for a girl and a boy. I wanted to do this so that when we found out at our 20 week anatomy scan what we were having, we could give the baby a name right away. There was something about giving baby a name for the second half of the pregnancy that made things seem even more real.
On my birthday, when I was exactly 19 weeks pregnant, Charles woke up and told me he had a dream. He dreamt that he was at some sort of musical event and his old choir director from college saw him. They started talking and his old choir director said “How’s baby Matt doing?” Then he woke up. Charles had another dream that same night where he was playing with a baby girl named Grace.
Later in the morning as we were getting ready for breakfast Charles told me about the dream. He then suggested that if we were having a boy we should name him Matthew and if we were having a girl we should name her Grace.
I was shocked at his suggestion for the boy name, because Charles had momentarily forgotten that I had had a brother named Matthew. My brother Matthew died before I was born. He was 9 months old and died of a rare genetic condition, At first I wasn’t totally sure how I would feel about having a brother and a son named Matthew.
Throughout the week, I continued contemplating both the names Matthew and Grace. I focused mostly on Matthew because I still had this strong feeling we were having a boy. I decided to look up the meaning of the name Matthew just to see what it said. A gift from God. I thought How perfect is that!? Our rainbow baby’s name means A gift from God. Charles and I loved the meaning of the name and we also loved that it was classic, biblical and could be shortened to Matt or Matty.
About a week later we had our anatomy scan. We found out we were having a precious baby boy. We didn’t tell anyone about the boy name we had picked out until 23 weeks. At that time, I asked my mom if she would mind if we named our son Matthew. She was absolutely honored that we had even considered that name. She loved that her first grandson would be named after her son and she loved the meaning of the name.
So there you have it. We named our son Matthew. He is named after my brother and is our gift from God. ❤️
This post was written following my second pregnancy loss. I do plan to write a follow up post very soon, about my postpartum journey after the birth of my son.
Hour glass figure, hips, tiny waist, big boobs, clear skin, luscious hair, big eyes, big butt, long legs, small feet, no stretch marks, straight teeth, and perfection. If you are a woman, odds are you have grown up hearing these unrealistic expectations, These expectations and many more, are what our society deems as perfect, beautiful and sexy.
Growing up, I was never completely confident in my body image. I struggled with acne, I was short, blessed up top and down low. I had to have braces, wear glasses and struggle to figure out how to make myself look presentable. I had to overcome the awkwardness of being a teenager, and transition into young adulthood
BEFORE I GOT PREGNANT THE FIRST TIME, I STRUGGLED WITH STRETCH MARKS, NOT REALLY ON MY STOMACH, BUT IN OTHER AREAS OF MY BODY.
In my first few weeks of pregnancy, I started to develop stretch marks on my stomach and around my belly button. After I suffered my first pregnancy loss, I felt completely horrified by the shell that once held my baby. I had gained weight, developed stretch marks, and had suffered postpartum hair loss as my hormones began to drop. I felt like a teenager all over again, as I struggled to look at myself in the mirror. I know body image can be a struggle for many women postpartum after birth, but nobody really talks about how it is a struggle for women postpartum a miscarriage.
Last summer, I took the initiative in getting back to a healthier me. I focused on my physical and mental health, as well as dedicated any spare time I had to selfcare. I started intermittent fasting, going to the gym a few times a week with my bestie, and started eating healthier. These little changes in my lifestyle helped me start to feel better. At the end of summer I went to a doctor appointment, and I was so disappointed to find out that despite my dedication to these lifestyle changes, I wasn’t losing any weight. I had gained 3 lbs. instead.
For a few more weeks I continued this lifestyle, even though I felt highly discouraged. I tried researching, online reasons why it may be challenging for someone to lose weight and become healthier after a miscarriage. To my surprise, I couldn’t find anything. I continued to feel discouraged, and not interested in even trying to be healthy any more. I figured, what was the point? I started to have the mentality of, my body is ruined, and I don’t even have a healthy baby to show for it.
When I was about ready to give up, a conversation with a dietitian encouraged me more than any conversation I had with anyone else. I went to a WIC appointment after my second loss. The dietician asked me questions about my diet, physical activity and mental health. I explained to her that I try to eat right, do intermittent fasting, excericise, struggle with hypothyroidism, and still have yet to see any results after both my pregnancies. The dietician listened and was very understanding. She disclosed to me that she too has hypothyroidism, she has had a miscarriage and a healthy pregnancy and also struggles with anxiety. She explained to me that unfortunately it can be very challenging after a pregnancy whether you give birth or suffer a pregnancy loss to lose weight. It is often hard for women physically because of the hormones that linger after pregnancy. It can also be challenging to lose weight in general if someone struggles with anxiety, depression or grief because our bodies like to hold on to the extra fat, almost as a protection. She encouraged me not to give up and that it can definetly take a while, especially if I am struggling with all these things. She also suggested eliminating late night snacking, drinking more water, and getting plenty of rest.
I’ve learned a lot about body image since my first pregnancy. For one, pregnancy affects a lot of things in a woman’s body. Anything from a woman’s mood to her thyroid, weight and blood pressure can be very effected. I’ve also learned that weight gain isn’t always your fault. Sometimes as much as you try to lose weight, there can be certain factors that affect how fast you lose weight. Learning this eased my anxiety and discouragement. For weeks, I was beating myself up about my weight, when in reality I was truly doing all I could do. So if you are a woman and you too are struggling with postpartum body image, please show yourself some grace. It’s hard losing weight, but it can be extremely hard when you have other physical and mental struggles going on.
SO, DON’T GIVE UP. EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT SEEING RESULTS, AND EVEN IF THE SCALE IS DISCOURAGING, IF YOU ARE INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO BE HEALTHIER, AND PUTTING YOUR HEALTH FIRST… YOU ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE.
The following blog post is the story of my son Matthew’s birth. This story recounts my experience of a 4 day induction, failed epidural, and the anxiety and excitement of bringing my rainbow baby into the world. I hope you enjoy the story below, and I promise… this story has a very happy ending. ❤️
On Thursday December 30th at 5am, I woke up feeling excited and nervous. Life before we knew it was about to change forever. Today is the day… I thought as I looked in the bathroom mirror at my 39 week pregnant belly. Today is the day I could meet my baby… I had waited 9 months for this moment. But when you really think about it, I had actually waited more like 3 years for this moment. I first got pregnant in January of 2019. After both of my losses in 2019, I had been praying for my rainbow baby. It had been a long journey. My entire life I have felt called to be a mom, and now my dream was coming true.
We left for the hospital around 7am. We were scheduled for a 39 week induction at our local hospital. We grabbed our bags, packed the car and said goodbye to our fur baby Rocky. As we pulled out of our apartment parking lot, my husband and I prayed. We thanked God for a healthy pregnancy, a pregnancy I thought wouldn’t happen even in my wildest dreams. We thanked God for the day ahead and prayed that his will would be done. Nerves of excitement filled the car as we headed to the hospital to start our next adventure.
When we got to the hospital we met Alli at the front door. Due to current Covid regulations, I was only allowed to have the two same people with me during my labor and delivery. I obviously wanted Charles there. We also asked Alli to be there because 1) she’s always been interested in seeing and being apart of a birth. 2) Alli knows me pretty well and I knew she would be willing to advocate for me if need be. And 3) she has lots of medical knowledge being a paramedic, and that gave me some comfort knowing she was there. Alli brought me breakfast as we entered the hospital. We went through the Covid screening and made our way up to Labor and Delivery,
When we checked in to L & D, they brought us up to the Antepartum section of the Mother and Baby floor. We got settled into a room, where a nurse asked me an hour worth of questions and hooked me and baby up to the monitors. After baby was monitored for an hour, and everything was looking fine, a nurse came in to talk to us and get things started.
The midwife came in and checked my cervix. I was dilated a centimeter on the outside but the inside of my cervix was still closed. I was also about 50% effaced. She suggested that it be best that I start the induction using the Cytotec drug. This was a pill inserted near my cervix that would dissolve and help it to ripen and dilate. The only issue with this pill was if I started having contractions too fast, then it wouldn’t be ideal to continue the drug. At 10:45am we started the first dose of Cytotec. In four hours I would get checked to see if it had done what it was supposed to and made changes to my cervix.
Four hours later, a midwife came in to check my cervix. I was disappointed to hear that my cervix hadn’t dilated anymore, and the effacement stayed about the same. Since the Cytotec didn’t progress my labor, they considered giving me another dose. However, after monitoring baby and my contractions for the past 4 hours they decided against another dose. The monitors showed that I was having too many contractions coming too close together. These contractions could be dangerous. Since the contractions weren’t strong enough to progress labor they could easily put me or baby into distress. My nurses advised that we shouldn’t do another dose of the Cytotec and try something different before starting Pitocin to advance the dilation process.
After talking to the midwife, we decided to try something called Cervadil. It was a little piece of plasstic with a string that is inserted and left near the cervix for 12 hours. It did the same thing as the Cytotec pill except if this drug caused too many contractions we could pull it out, whereas with the pill we couldn’t. Knowing that this intervention could take 12 hours to work, I realized I would not be having my baby that day. I was discouraged but tried to tell myself it was for the best and that he may come on Friday.
After receiving the first dose of the Cervadil, we were moved to the Labor and Delivery floor where they finally had an opening. I ordered room service while Alli and Charles got Chinese. After eating dinner Alli and I turned on some 2000’s music, and had a dance party and did exercises on the birth balls in hopes of getting things going. In the midst of our dance party, one of the midwives walked in on us. She was impressed with our eagerness to get the baby out. As the afternoon turned into evening, we decided to call it a day and get some rest.
At 3:30am, I met the new midwife on duty. It had been 12 hours since the first dose of Cervadil. I was feeling contractions every 2 to 3 minutes but they were manageable at a 4 on the pain scale. The midwife asked if I wanted to be checked to see if I was progressing. I agreed and she checked me. This cervical check was particularly uncomfortable as the midwife removed the medicine before performing the check. The medicine also made everything feel quite raw, which was not ideal. I was measuring at 2.5 centimeters and 50% effaced. I was thankful we were making some progress but sad it was moving so incredibly slow. We discussed the next course of treatment, and decided to do another dose of the Cervadil for another 12 hours because that is what seemed to be working. I wasn’t excited about this treatment as it was very uncomfortable, but if it meant that I would progress then I was all for it.
I woke up again Friday around 6am. I was hungry, uncomfortable and eager for things to get moving. I talked to family and friends over the phone and through messages, updating them on the progress of my labor. At around 7am I ordered breakfast, and Charles headed out to go feed our kitty Rocky. Alli left around 4am to get some sleep, and returned later in the morning. I tried my best not to feel angry, sad or discouraged. I was hopeful that this was the day. New Year’s Eve was the day I would have my baby. I spent the day, rocking on the birth balls, pacing the room, sitting in the bath, and anything else I could think of to get labor moving. Due to covid numbers being so high in the hospital I was in, I was not allowed to leave the room. I wasn’t allowed to walk the halls to progress labor. Being stuck in the same hospital room for hours was starting to make me go stir crazy, but I tried not to let that get me down.
In early afternoon, I started feeling a lot of pain in my groin. I was hopeful that it meant my cervix was dilating, but at every check, I was told the same thing. “You’re 2-2.5 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced.” It was so discouraging. After every check I cried partly from being raw and partly from feeling so discouraged. I asked for Tylenol to help with pain and my nurses said Tylenol wouldn’t do much to help, so they recommended morphine. I was given one dose of morphine in my leg. Within minutes I felt like I was on a pile of clouds floating through the sky, then I was out.
Around 3pm on Friday afternoon I met a new midwife. Her name was Jen. At first I felt like she was too nice to be a midwife. But after talking with her, I realized she was a genuinely nice person. I also liked that she was a go getter and willing to help me progress my labor by providing a variety of options. After getting checked and only progressing to 2.5 centimeters, Jen suggested we try a balloon catheter in my cervix to mechanically dilate my cervix to at least 4 centimeters. This intervention sounded very uncomfortable, but I was willing to try it because I trusted Jen and wanted to try anything to be one step closer to meeting my baby.
At 3:30pm I was given morphine to help prepare for the insertion of the balloon catheter. Within minutes I felt overly drowsy again. Jen came in shortly after to insert the catheter. She suggested I go to the bathroom before the procedure. While walking to the bathroom I was stumbling and falling asleep on the toilet. Considering how the morphine effected me, Jen did not feel comfortable giving me the catheter at that time since I was minimally conscious. She told me to sleep it off and we would try again later.
At 6pm, Jen came back to insert the catheter. Thankfully I was able to sleep the morphine off and was feeling a lot more coherent. Jen used lidocaine to help with the insertion process and it made things more comfortable. I braced myself for a lot of pain, when it actually wasn’t nearly as bad as getting the Cervadil. Once the catheter was in I decided to take a bath and relax. My contractions started to gradually speed up, and the bath water made things feel a lot better.
The balloon catheter stayed in throughout the night and I continued to have contractions that were mild in pain. I felt a mix of discouragement and hope as I prayed this would get things to progress sooner rather than later. I fell asleep around 11pm. I told myself if I wake up before midnight, I will turn on the tv and watch the ball drop. At 12:01am I was startled awake by fireworks bursting in the sky throughout the city. Alli and Charles woke up as well and we rang in 2022 in the hospital. I was slightly disappointed I didn’t have my baby in 2021. But I tried to stay positive and think about how wonderful it would be to start the year 2022 with my beautiful baby boy.
Saturday morning around 6am my nurse and midwife came in to remove the catheter. I told them I was sure there was probably no progress as I didn’t feel an increase in pain. I went to the bathroom and while in there I noticed blood in my underwear. At first it kind of startled me as I hadn’t seen blood down there in 9 months, besides some very minor spotting throughout my pregnancy. But then I got excited as I knew this was progress and things were starting to happen.
The midwife removed the catheter and checked my cervix. I was 3 centimeters dilated and 80% effaced. My bag of waters were starting to bulge and things were actually looking up. My midwife, nurses and I decided to make up a plan. Since I was finally at 3 centimeters we were able to start pitocin which would hopefully kick start some stronger contractions. By 9:15am they started the pitocin, and I went back to the bathroom to labor in the tub. The excitement of having my baby soon was starting to sink in again. Today could be the day! I could have a January 1st baby!
At first the Pitocin seemed to be working. My contractions increased in frequency and became slightly more intense. As the day progressed and my nurses increased my dosage of Pitocin, my contractions slowed down. This was disheartening. I was so sure that once I started Pitocin it would put me into active labor, but it didn’t. That afternoon, I remember just laying in my hospital bed sobbing. Why is this taking so long? Is it my mindset? Is it my body? Does my body not know what to do? Is baby not ready to come out? I was overwhelmed with emotions and hormones. I was tired of being patient and all I wanted to do was hold my baby. Charles held me as I let all my emotions go. He told me I was strong and I could get through it. Alli encouraged me and said I was doing amazing. My parents comforted me over the phone, and told me they were proud of me. My nurses told me they knew it was hard but I was strong and they were proud of me too.
By mid afternoon, my midwife, nurses and I all came up with a new plan… again. We decided to stop the Pitocin since it didn’t seem to be doing anything and we didn’t want to put baby into distress. My nurses encouraged me to eat something since I hadn’t eaten since starting the Pitocin at 9:15am. After eating dinner around 6pm, my midwife Lanie recommended that we try the Cytotec drug again. She said since I had progressed since first trying the drug, it may be just what my body needed in order to kick start labor. Around 7pm, I was given my second dose of the Cytotec drug. Still feeling discouraged, I ate some fudge that Charlie bought me and watched Friends on Alli’s tablet. It was the episode where Rachel has her baby… which I deemed very appropriate. Throughout the night, my nurse Nichole gave me encouragement. I had the same night nurse every night I was there, so she had seen me through a lot already. Nichole brought me popsicles, 7 Up, a fan so I could get a good night sleep, and even drew me a picture to color as a focus point for when I eventually started pushing,
At 11pm, I had another cervical check. I remained the same at 3 centimeters dilated and 80% effaced. My midwife said she could tell my cervix was starting to change and she was pretty confident my baby would have a January 2nd birthday. I was tired of getting my hopes up and didn’t believe her. I had a third dose of the Cytotec drug and was encouraged to get some sleep. At this point, I was starting to wonder if I was going to end up having a c-section. I didn’t know how much more my baby or I could take. I dozed off for about an hour then was wide awake. I stared at the ceiling and listened to my baby’s steady heartbeat on the monitor. It was 1am, and I was feeling restless. I got up and walked around my hospital room rubbing my belly. The more I moved the more often I would have contractions but they just wouldn’t increase in intensity. I called my mom and talked to her for about 45 minutes. She told me how strong and proud she was of me. I confided in her how defeated and tired I was. I so wanted to believe I was almost there but I really didn’t know that for sure. At a quarter to 2, my mom encouraged me to try and get a little more rest.
I laid back down in bed and played the Greatest Showman on my phone. I still had yet to see the movie, but heard it was good. About 15 minutes into the movie, I started feeling pain, The pain started to increase rather quickly and I realized this was a good sign. I was starting to have frequent strong contractions again. Contractions continued for the next hour at a 6 on the pain scale, about 1-3 minutes apart. I started moaning and gripping the side of my bed which woke up Alli and Charles. I felt kind of bad as they had been troopers through the whole thing and I really didn’t want to disturb them unless this was the real deal.
At 2:55am, my midwife came in to check my cervix. She wanted to see if I had progressed anymore and if I needed another dose of the Cytotec. She said she noticed my contractions getting stronger and more frequent on the monitors. As she checked me she said “Umm, I’m not sure. Well I would say you are about 3 or 4 centimeters dilated and yeah, I definitely notice some change in your cervix… oh shoot.” I instantly felt a pop, a gush and some relief. “I just broke her water, I was not trying to do that.” She said to my nurse Nichole. I was actually excited my water broke. I knew that meant somehow, some way my baby would be born in the next 24 hours. It was January 2nd and I told myself yet again Today could be the day! Today could be the day I meet my baby.
I spent the next two hours trying to be brave. Contractions were coming every 1-2 minutes and getting more and more intense. At times they were regular but at other times I would have 3 small contractions back to back and one big contraction. I gripped the bed and took deep breaths. The pain was intense and it was hard for me to think. Charles and Alli took turns squeezing my hips and rubbing my back. By 5am I couldn’t handle it anymore and hit my call button, I requested to see my nurse and see if I could get something for pain, and when I could get the epidural.
At 5:15am, my nurse Nichole came in and told me that she spoke with my midwife and that it was a good time to administer the epidural if I was up for it. I asked if it was too early since I was only 3 or 4 centimeters dilated. They said it wasn’t and by getting the epidural I could get some rest. I agreed, and they called the anesthesiologist to administer the epidural.
In between contractions I listened to my nurses instructions and made my way to the edge of the bed in order to prepare for the epidural. The nurses asked Alli to step out as I was only allowed one support person in the room while the catheter was being inserted. Alli stepped out to the waiting room, while Charles was instructed to sit in front of me. He faced me and I put my feet on his thighs as the bed was raised as high up as it could go. The anesthesiologist numbed my back, inserted the catheter and waited for the epidural to take effect. He worked quickly in between contractions as I squeezed my husband’s hands and my nurse held me still, I felt some fear during the procedure as I had read of horror stories and epidurals going wrong. I prayed that the epidural would work and the pain would not necessarily go away but at least be manageable soon.
After about 8 contractions, I started to feel the effects of the epidural. I laid back in bed and tried to relax. My right lower half of my body started to get very numb, my left side only got slightly tingly. After a few more contractions the anesthesiologist was overly confident that everything was working the way it should and left. I laid in bed for the next two hours waiting for the full effect of the epidural to kick in… it didn’t. I was in tears as half my body was numb and pain free while the other half was feeling every single intense contraction. I felt lopsided, uncomfortable and frustrated. It was almost worse than not having the epidural at all. My nurses tried rolling me on my side to see if the medicine would drain more on my left and it didn’t.
At 7:30am, my midwife Jen came into the room. Through the pain and my tears I was actually really excited to see her. She had made a joke the last time I had saw her that hopefully by her next shift she would see me on the Mother and Baby floor with my baby, but if the baby wanted to wait for her that would be okay too. I said hi to Jen and told her that the baby waited for her. She laughed and said she was happy to see things moving along, As Jen got caught up on my chart, I continued breathing and crying through contractions. Jen suggested I get checked to see where I was at. She checked me and I was only 4 centimeters and 80% effaced. Seriously!? I even screamed seriously as I was in disbelief I hadn’t progressed at all. I was tired. I was defeated and I was feeling done, and yet I still had several hours of labor to go, 6 more centimeters to dilate, plus pushing. How was I going to do this? I was on day 4 of labor, and being in the hospital. The wait and intensity of labor was really starting to wear on me. Charles, Alli, my nurses and my midwife could all tell I was getting exhausted and if I was going to push through and make it to the end, I needed help.
My midwife Jen told my nurses to call in another anesthesiologist. She said it was possible that the epidural was just placed wrong or that I had what they called a hot spot where the medicine didn’t block the pain in a certain part in my body and therefore there wouldn’t be anything they could do.
Moments later a different anesthesiologist arrived. Again I was prepped and positioned for a second epidural. This time the anesthesiologist said I have a slight curve in my back that the first anesthesiologist missed. Due to the slight curve all the medicine from the epidural only went to the right side of my body. He removed the old catheter and placed the new one higher in my back. Within minutes I started feeling relief in my left side along with my already very numb right side. As the anesthesiologist left, I told him he was my favorite person. He chuckled and went on his way. Thank you Jesus. Finally some relief.
I spent the next hour or so resting in bed. I didn’t fall asleep, but rested my mind, and talked to my family on the phone. When it was quiet I listened to my baby’s steady heartbeat on the fetal monitor while also watching my contractions start to intensify on the screen above me. My nurses started my Pitocin again. This would hopefully help to make my contractions strong but also productive in helping me dilate and progress in labor. I was fine with anything at this point since my epidural was finally working the way it was supposed to.
By 10:30am, my nurses and Alli helped get me into different positions to try and open my pelvis in order to progress labor. Since I was completely numb from the waist down (besides being able to wiggle my toes), my nurses had to physically lift me and move me. I first tried laying on my side with a peanut shaped ball in between my legs. I laid on each side for about a half hour, to 45 minutes. Then I continued laying on my side while my nurse and Alli took turns squeezing and massaging my hips, and glutes. During one session of these, my belly was pressed against Alli’s. Without any warning, baby decided to start kicking which took Alli by surprise. She found it funny and weird to feel my baby kick her belly.
Around 11:30am, I tried yet another position where I was on my hands and knees on the bed. My bed was at a 45° angle and I had a beanbag chair placed under my belly for cushion. I then laid over the bean bag chair and laid my head and forearms on a pillow. In this position I talked to Charles and Alli, texted friends, called my parents and tried to relax. It was strange being in this position and not being able to feel my legs. I had a few issues with my fetal monitors picking up baby’s heartbeat. It seemed like baby would move for a moment and it couldn’t be detected but the minute the nurse came in baby decided to move back and the monitor would pick it up again. This happened a few times and it was quite comical. I told my nurse that baby just really wanted to mess with her.
Around noon as I watched my contractions on the screen get more and more intense, I started to get uncomfortable. I wasn’t feeling any contractions but I was starting to feel pressure in my left hip and glutes. At first I thought it was my hip falling asleep or getting more tingly from the epidural. As I continued to lay there the pressure got stronger and gravitated towards my pelvis. By 1pm, I started feeling the sensation every woman talks about when it’s time to push, I felt like I had to poop. The feeling was felt mostly in intervals as if it was during contractions. As my nurses came in to check on me I told them what I was feeling. They told me they would continue to check on me every 20 minutes or so, but to let them know if the pressure became stronger and didn’t go away.
By 1:45pm the pressure and urge to push was not going away. I was thankful. I knew it was almost time to start pushing. I was uncomfortable but excited I would be meeting my baby very soon. I pleaded with my nurses that I wanted to push. They called Jen and told her what I was feeling. My nurses quickly got me out of the hands and knees position and on to my back. Jen gave me one last cervical check and said the words I had been waiting days to hear “You are… complete. So, you can either start pushing now, or wait for baby to descend a little more.” With tears and no hesitation I said “Let’s get this ball rolling, I want to push.” Jen agreed, and got into position. Jen directed Charles to grab my left leg and Alli to grab my right leg. My nurses used a catheter to empty my bladder and suggested inserting an internal monitor so we could see how strong my contractions truly were. I agreed to this and prepared myself to push. Jen instructed me to try and push as I felt the pressure to be more intense which would be during each contraction. She also told me to push like I am having the biggest poop of my life.
At 2pm, I grabbed behind both my knees and started pushing. Every 30 seconds I felt like I was doing ab crunches and having a bowel movement at the same time. Jen was calm and encouraging. She reminded me to breathe and push with my body and not my face. Alli and Charles encouraged me. They told me I was strong and to keep going. At first it felt like I was making no progress. But in the moments where Jen would say “I’m starting to see the head” or Alli saying “Oh my gosh, look at all that hair.” Or even Charles saying “He’s coming babe.” I was able to get a second wind and push harder.
As my baby’s head started to crown, Jen asked if I wanted to feel it. I hesitated at first then decided I did. I reached down and felt so much hair! Jen removed the internal monitor and told me to continue pushing at my own pace. In the moment, I was some what in disbelief that he was coming but also impatient that he wasn’t out yet. As I continued pushing, Jen explained to me that everything was going well and baby was slowly but steadily coming like he was supposed to. A few times in between pushes I panicked because I couldn’t hear the baby’s heartbeat. I was so afraid he was going into distress. I guess Alli read my face because she grabbed the fetal heart beat monitor and pressed it harder on my belly so we could all hear it.
It was 2:30pm and I continued pushing. My adrenaline was running and deep down I was willing to tear my own body apart in order to meet my baby. I felt like it was taking forever. I watched as my midwife put on a gown and set up trays with my nurses at the foot of the bed. She requested some Astroglide to assist with the delivery of the head. Alli and Charles continued encouraging me, telling me baby was beautiful and he was almost there. I remember telling them “that’s great cause he has a big head and I want him out.” After that I had an overwhelming wash of emotion come over me. I started to feel the ring of fire. I was so tired. I had been in labor for days. I was nearing the end but was afraid I was too exhausted to continue. I looked at Charles with tears in my eyes, then looked over at Alli and said “I’m so tired.” Alli said “I know but you’re almost there.”
Charles stroked my head, and Jen told me to give the biggest push I could. I felt a nurse pull down the front part of my hospital gown. With all my might I pushed, and I felt my baby’s body leave mine and I heard the most beautiful cry. A cry I waited my entire life to here. My baby boy was born. At 2:34pm my son entered the world. He was placed on my chest wiggling and crying. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen
During the afterbirth and as I got stitched up for my second degree tear, I held my baby in my arms. I told my son I loved him and that I had been waiting for him. I told him that I had prayed for him and that God answered my prayers. I kissed him and said “Welcome to the world baby. I’m your mom and I’m going to take care of you.”
May I present: Matthew Charles Rhames. He was born on 1/2/22 at 2:34pm weighing 7lbs 11oz and was 20 inches long. I was 39 weeks and 3 days along. A total of 76 hours of labor, 11 1/2 hours of active labor and 30 minutes of pushing. He had ten fingers, ten toes and a full head of hair. Cheeks and lips like his mommy and a nose and chin like his daddy. Oh, and big brown eyes from the both of us. ❤️
Grief and Mercy 