It’s Mother’s Day. This is the day we celebrate all the mothers. We celebrate the women In our lives who have raised us, nurtured us and taught us how to be good people in our society. We celebrate the women who showed us unconditional love from the very beginning. This day is meant to be a celebration, but to many… it is a somber holiday.
Being a mother is a very special role. It is one of, if not the hardest job there is. That being said not all mothers are the same. When you think of a mother you likely will think of biological moms, step moms, foster moms, moms who have adopted and grandmothers. But what about the other moms in this world? What about the women who hold a mothering role in a child’s life, such as an aunt, cousin, friend, teacher, or mentor. What about the moms who have lost a child, whether it was a pregnancy loss, neonatal loss or loss of a child at an older age?
All of these women are just as much mothers, and hold a special place in our society and in a child’s life.
And let’s not forget all the women who want to be mothers. These women may struggle with infertility, illness, are choosing not to have children at this time in their life or suffer from recurrent miscarriages. These women are as much mothers to our society and to children in our world, just in a different way.
This mother’s day is also different as the Covid-19 pandemic has prevented some children from seeing and celebrating their mother’s today. It almost seems as if there is a grief in the air just from the pandemic. I feel that in it self has made this holiday especially somber this year.
Even though this is a holiday to celebrate all the mothers, it is sometimes a somber holiday for those who have lost a child, who are unable to have children, or who have lost their mothers. If you are reading this, and you have lost your mother, lost a child or are unable to have children, I just want to say… I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry this holiday brings up emotions of grief, guilt, anger, sadness, anxiety and dread. I’m sorry for the atmosphere of loneliness you feel on this holiday. I want to remind you though that you are not alone. Yes, your experience is yours, but their are so many of us who too have experienced that loss.
There are so many of us who have felt the pain that can be experienced in this life, even though we don’t talk about it.
So today, not only are we celebrating all the traditional mother’s out there, but we are remembering the mothers who have faced loss and heartache as well. I can tell you first hand, this day is not easy, but when the grief and loneliness become too much, remember to take care of you. Don’t have high expectations on yourself. Give yourself grace and love. Order food in, eat some chocolate, take a bubble bath, binge watch a comedy series, or stay in your PJs. Happy or not this day is about you and the love you’ve shared.
Today I will be taking it easy and remembering my babies I’ve lost because even though it hurts, they made me a mom. When the grief gets to be too much today, I will remember that I am not any less a mom because my babies are in Heaven.
I will end with this. It’s Mother’s Day, happy or not this is the day we celebrate and remember all mothers and to all the women who share that role. Thank you for all that you do and love that you’ve shared. I will be thinking of you today.
It has been a long time and I am so sorry about that. To be honest my life has made a 180° turn since my last post. So many things have changed and I would love to catch you all up.
I graduate in 25 days… or do I? Being in college amidst this global pandemic has surely taken a toll on my studies. About two weeks ago my university transitioned to distant learning and all classes are being completed online. I was also notified a few days later that my graduation ceremony is being postponed. I’m disappointed in how much the current pandemic is affecting my last semester, but I’m thankful to be healthy, safe and to be able to finish my last semester of college.
I got a new job! Recently, I got a new job as a Young 5’s teacher. However with all the shut downs, and stay at home orders…. my job is on pause for now. I have faith however, things will get back to normal and I will be able to go back to doing what I love… teaching and working with children. ❤️
My Memoir is still in the making… Don’t worry, I’m still writing my book, but I’m realizing it is more of a process than I had ever anticipated. I’ve mostly focused on school, and my hope is after the semester is over, I can go back to writing my book. It’s not like I won’t have time to do so, since we’re all stuck at home.
We moved! This is the biggest change of all! We moved to a new apartment that is beautiful and cozy. I have been diligently decorating and organizing our new space, and I can’t wait to share all about it!
How are you doing? This pandemic is interesting, strange, confusing, scary, exhausting, and stressful. How are you feeling? I’m here if you want to talk, vent, or simply express yourself. I also want to offer a little encouragement. It’s okay to not be okay. We’re all going through it. We’re all anxious and wondering about the unknown. We’re all frustrated about what we can’t control. We’re all struggling. But it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to get through this together. It’s okay to lean on each other and check in. It’s okay that we are doing the best we can right now. Hugs and prayers to all of you!
So remember last year, how I set a goal to donate a bunch of handmade baby hats to the hospital in remembrance of my angel baby Mackenzie? Well, I’m sure you can probably guess that, that didn’t happen. I did not make enough baby hats, and I also got pregnant a second time a lot faster than I expected. So… I pushed it off and said I would donate around Christmas. To be honest guys, I couldn’t do it. Emotionally, Christmas was HARD. I didn’t think I was going to survive it. Long story short, I’m not sure what’s going to happen with this project. As much as I want to donate to the hospital, it’s like it’s a reminder of what I don’t have. When I think about giving new moms, hats to put on their babies… I am reminded that my babies never got to wear the hats I made them. Is that selfish? Maybe. But when I donate and do something good for others, I too want to feel good about it… and not filled with jealousy, envy and anger. So, I guess the project is on hold for now. We will see where this project goes in the future.
Miscarriage – The act of losing a pregnancy or the act of a baby passing away in the womb before 20 weeks of gestation. To be honest, I’m not very fond of the word “Mis” carriage. When I first suffered a miscarriage, I used this word often. When I googled reasons on why a loss such as this happens, the word miscarriage was something I typed into google daily. I used the word miscarriage when sharing my story and talking to other moms who have suffered a miscarriage. But now, I am really starting to detest the word.
The reason why I am not fond of the word miscarriage, is because of what it implies. Sure, many of us know the politically correct meaning of the word, but imagine if you first heard it, break it down and sound it out. Mis-carriage. As I think about it, this word was written as if it implies that this little baby that a momma is carrying is no longer being carried… or being carried improperly. It’s almost as if it’s implying that the mother is to blame because she can’t carry her baby. If that is the case, then it’s not a very accurate word. Studies show that the cause of miscarriages is more often than not chromosomal abnormalities, and not anything that the mother did.
Since I am not very fond of the word miscarriage, I am starting to use the word pregnancy loss instead. Saying pregnancy loss instead of miscarriage doesn’t seem as harsh. It also seems to imply that a mother lost her baby verses didn’t carry them properly. Implying that there was a loss not only shows that the pregnancy loss was out of the mother’s control but also is a devastating ambiguous loss.
Therefore, when someone asks me about pregnancy, kids and the like… I will say I have suffered 2 pregnancy losses, instead of 2 miscarriages. Because I lost my babies… I didn’t improperly carry them.
• Thank the person who nominated you and provide a link back to their blog so others can find them. • Answer the 11 questions asked by the blogger. • Nominate 11 other bloggers and ask them 11 questions. • Notify the nominees about it by commenting on one of their blog posts. • List the rules and display a Sunshine Blogger Award logo on your post and/or blog site.
I want to thank Pooja over at lifesfinewhine for nominating me for the Sunshine Blogger Award! Check out her blog at lifefinewhine.com
1. Road trip or flight, which one do you prefer?
Personally, I am not a fan of flying. I know it’s safe, but my anxiety often gets the best of me and I can not breathe easy when I am on an airplane. In fact the last time I was on an airplane, my aunt asked me if I had something that could knock me out until we landed… if that tells you anything. I think roadtrips are more fun because I enjoy sightseeing and being able to stop along the way.
2. How loyal are you?
I consider myself pretty loyal. I don’t ever maliciously try to hurt others, and I try to be there for those I love.
3. Are friends or family the people who influence you more?
To be honest, it’s a tie. Both my family and friends influence and inspire me every single day.
4. You have been shipwrecked, and there is only you and one other survivor. What do you do to occupy your time as there are no books or electronics?
Talk, sing, dance, run, play hide and seek, tell stories.
5. What is your favorite animal? Share a picture.
At the moment I really love pugs. My husband and I both get super excited when we see pugs.
6. Do you enjoy camping?
Yes! I haven’t been in years, but I sure do!
7. Would you prefer to live by the sea or by the mountains?
The sea definitely! The beach is tranquil and my happy place.
8. Considering the times we live in, if your family member or friend told you they are gay, what would your reaction be? How would you handle it?
I would love them, just as I always have.
9. If you caught your family member watching something inappropriate, how would you handle the situation? What would you say to them?
I would be concerned and offer resources and a listening ear. Honestly, I’d probably pray for them too.
For the last two weeks, I have been dealing with a little thing called… writer’s block. I’ve had writer’s block before, but never to this extent. To be honest I believe it’s a mixture of writer’s block, exhaustion and procrastination. I am exhausted because I am on holiday break, and have been doing my best to soak in every moment of rest and relaxation before I return to college for my last semester. I am procrastinating because as much as I love writing, it can be tiring. It takes a lot of brain power to figure out what to say, how to say it, when to say it, and have it all make sense. I sometimes feel pressured to write about something worth while so you as my readers not only enjoy what I am writing, but can also relate to it. I don’t get this pressure from any of my readers, but more myself as I am my most harsh critic. Regardless, I am dedicated to blogging. I love writing and blogging about my life, advocating about pregnancy loss, and connecting with my readers. So, I will continue writing, despite the exhaustion, procrastion and writer’s block.
If you are a writer and you too are suffering from writer’s block, here are a few tips and tricks I’ve learned that may help YOU feel inspired to start writing again.
10 Things to get Inspired and Fight Writer’s Block
Brainstorming is something I didn’t truly learn how to do until I came to college. I have done the exercise in a variety of my classes. First pull up a blank document on your computer, or grab a piece of paper from a notebook. Set a timer for 2 minutes and instantly jot down different ideas for your blog, paper, or whatever you need to write. For example, if I am trying to think of a new blog post topic, I may write down ideas such as my dream vacation, my love story, 10 things I love about blogging, my favorite foods, etc. As you write down your ideas, don’t second guess yourself. Don’t stop to think about it. Just write it down. When the timer goes off, stop and take a look over your ideas. Through process of elimination, decide which idea works best for your project, and begin writing. For some reason, brainstorming has been found to be very effective, because it allows our minds to have quick ideas… and sometimes the best ideas come when we feel pressure and put our minds to it.
So this isn’t always the best idea, but it can be affective at times. However, I don’t recommend this tip if you are in a time crunch. Sometimes when I need to write a paper for school, I have to distract myself in order to feel inspired and know what I want to write about. Some ways I distract myself is by cleaning my house, cooking a meal, doodling, watching Netflix, or going for a walk. Often when I am distracted, I am allowing myself a little mental break so I can return with fresh eyes, and a focused mind to begin writing.
Pinterest is truly my favorite. Who ever created this platform was truly a genius. Pinterest is the place I go to get inspired. You can practically search anything and find it on Pinterest. If you are looking for essay topics, blog post ideas, novel themes, etc., odds are you will find it all and more on Pinterest. I would advise caution when going on Pinterest though, If you are anything like me, you could easily spend hours looking at different ideas on Pinterest. So, I would surely advise that you be vigilant of time while on Pinterest.
Selfcare is incredibly important, and I advocate all the time how we all need some selfcare in our busy crazy lives. Sometimes when I’m stuck, and I don’t know what to write, I have to be kind to myself and do a little selfcare. Some ways I practice selfcare and pamper myself are by taking a bubble bath, deep breathing exercises, listening to music, and doing something I love. When I’ve taken the time to take care of myself, I feel more relaxed, recharged and ready to begin a new task.
Okay, so if I had to guess, I can imagine a majority of you wouldn’t have thought that procrastination would be something that will help with writer’s block. As a matter of fact, it is usually a root cause to our writer’s block. Well, believe it or not, procrastination can actually be very beneficial. When we procrastinate we wait until the last few moments to do something. This could be waiting to clean your house an hour before a family gathering, or it could be waiting until you are almost on E before filling up your car with gas, or it could be waiting to write a paper until it is due the next day. This isn’t neccisarily a good idea, because when we procrastinate we are on a time crunch and are not giving ourselves enough time if technology fails or something goes wrong. However, just like what I said in the brainstorming tip, sometimes putting pressure on ourselves helps us to get stuff done. With pressure from limited time, we often can get tasks done quickly. Oh and I will even admit that I have procrastinated to write something, and because of it I actually produced some of my best pieces of writing because of the pressure I put on myself.
Making lists can be helpful when wanting to feel inspired and get motivated to get stuff done. On days when I am very unmotivated, I force myself to sit down and write a list. I make a list of all the things I hope to accomplish that day. If it is a big project or paper, I will divide it up. For example instead of writing 1. Write my 10 page paper for English, I will write something like 1. Write 2 pages of 10 page paper for English. This not only makes the task more manageable, but helps me to decide how much time I should dedicate to each task. Somedays I get everything done on my list and some days I don’t. I do however reward myself when I get things done so I don’t get burned out and want to call it quits.
When I get stuck and don’t know what to write, sometimes it helps to talk to others. I ask friends, family members, my Instagram followers and others ideas on what to write on here. Feedback from others can be very beneficial and can help us to see new perspectives, and run with a new idea.
Being creative through a different task besides writing can help get your creative juices flowing. Sometimes I will spend a few hours crocheting, trying to decide what to write about. It’s not the crocheting that inspires me, but rather the fact that I am keeping my hands busy, so my mind has the ability to wander off, daydream, and think of other things. This usually helps me to get inspired and begin a new blog post.
Sometimes I am blocked and can’t write because I have no idea how to relate my topic to anything, mainly my own life. It’s as if I have an idea, but I don’t know how it applies to my life. Do you remember creating those writing webs in grade school? Do you remember how we would have to start with a subject, circle it and brainstorm other ideas around it? And then, we would have to figure out how to connect the supporting ideas together. To be honest, those things drove me crazy, but I now see how beneficial they can be. If I’m stuck and can’t figure out how to relate my idea to my life, a certain concept or a class, then I usually create a writing web.
Getting organized is the best feeling… in my opinion. Taking the time to organize my thoughts, ideas, and topic is the first step in writing something powerful. Write out your title and your headings. Just seeing them in order and laid out can help you start writing. I guarantee you if you take the time to organize, you will be that much closer and more motivated to write and create something amazing.
This year… I feel like Job. In the Bible, in the book of Job, it talks about a man. This man had the highest integrity in all the land. He had favor and perfection in God’s eyes (Job 1:1). One day, Satan challenged God. He wanted to know if Job, this man of God with great faith, would still have great faith if he was put to the test. So, God allowed bad things to happen to Job (Job 1:6 – 12). He was put to the test. Job lost his children, was stricken with boils, felt grief, and pain (Job 1:13 – 20). Through this season of trial and tribulation, Job didn’t lose faith… but he did ask the question of why?
I ask myself this question everyday. Why do bad things have to happen? Why do we have to suffer? Why do we have to feel pain? Job asked and argued these questions with friends and with God. He wondered and pondered that as a follower and believer of God, why did he have to struggle? Why did he have to suffer? Why did he have to lose his children? If God is such a good God, why does he let these things happen? if we are followers of God, shouldn’t we be blessed for being faithful and not have to face pain and heartache? Job goes on to argue his case with God for many chapters. Through each chapter, I feel as if I too have asked each one of these questions, trying to fathom why bad things happen to good people. One question that I couldn’t really find, that I’ve asked this past year is Where was God?
Where Was God?
Where was God through Job’s suffering? Where was God when he lost each and everyone of his children? Where was God when I lost mine? Where was God when I anticipated my second ultrasound, only to hear the words I’m sorry, but there isn’t a heartbeat. Where was God when the grief and heartache hit me as I woke up from surgery? Where was God when I was bleeding, and feeling labor pains knowing full well I was going to endure a second loss. Where was God this past year when my car got totaled, losing my job, my husband’s health, my health and all the crap I’ve had to suffer. Where was God!?!
God Was There
As much as I don’t want to believe it, God was there. God was there through every moment of Job’s suffering, and He was there through every moment of mine. When bad things happen, he doesn’t just vanish, even though he seems so incredibly distant. He’s their, watching, and waiting. He waits to see how we will respond to a situation. In the waiting He isn’t closed off, but rather he’s there with open loving arms. It is up to us in every rough situation to run towards Him, or run away from Him. He is a just God, and He is a good God. He is perfect in every possible way, and we are sinners and honestly don’t deserve anything good. We don’t deserve good things, but he gives them to us anyway… because He is so good.
If there is one pet peeve I have, it’s not knowing the reason. When things happen good or bad, but especially bad… I want to know the reason. I want to know the reason why my babies had to die, why my Grandma died of Alzheimer’s, why I’m vision impaired, and why my brother died before I was born. I want to know the answers to all of these questions, and have wanted to most of my life. But unfortunately, I may never know. I may never know the specific reasons why bad things happen in this life. But I do believe this. We live in a sin tainted world, and we are sinful creatures. Nothing in this world is perfect, therefore bad things are going to happen. I don’t believe God inflicts bad things on his children, but I do believe he allows them to happen. I think one reason God allows bad things to happen, is so we can appreciate the good, and we can be thankful for the blessings that we receive. I also believe it is a reminder that this world is only our temporarily home. We will not be apart of this world or live this life forever, there is a perfect world ahead if we receive the grace that God has for us.
So, to bring it all full circle. I feel like Job this year. I have had a rough year of two miscarriages, a surgery, grief, losing a job, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, hypothyroidism, totaled car, and on and on and on. It has been one thing after another. 2019 has been the worst year of my life. With that being said… I know greater is coming. I have to believe that things are going to look up from here. Otherwise, I would just be giving up. This year has been hell, but has made me stronger. God allowed a lot of trials to happen this year, but I know he never stopped loving me. At the end of Job, God gave Job abundant blessings… not because he particularly deserved them, but because God loved him. Therefore, as hard as it has been, and as much as I want to give up… I won’t. Satan won’t take me out of the game that easily. I have faith 2020 is going to be great. I won’t lose faith.
Every year I look forward to watching classic Christmas movies. Whether it’s an adorable Hallmark movie or classic Disney, I am all for it. Some of my favorite Christmas movies of all time are It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, The Santa Clause 1, 2, and 3; as well as Home Alone 1 & 2, and Christmas Vacation.
2. Let It Snow!
As a child, I always looked forward to snow. I would start praying for snow as early as September some years. I can recall many times going to bed with no snow on the ground, and waking up like I lived in a snow globe. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to not like the snow quite so much. It can be very beautiful, but absolutely stressful when you have to walk to class in a foot of snow. Regardless, I still love snow and appreciate a white Christmas every year.
3. Cookies, Cakes, Brownies and Breads
There’s just something about baking warm, delicious goodies when it’s snowing and cold outside, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I love baking cookies, cakes, brownies and breads and making my home smell so good.
4. The Peanuts & Charlie Brown
The Peanuts & Charlie Brown is absolutely a classic. Every year my house is decked out in The Peanuts memorabilia. I have ornaments, a rug, lights, and other Christmas décor all themed Peanuts.
5. Christmas Music
By November 1st, I am ready for Christmas music. I love when my local radio station starts playing Christmas music. Some of my favorite Christmas songs include: Do You Hear What I Hear? It’s Beginning to Look A lot Like Christmas, Christmas Song, Silent Night and All I Want for Christmas is You.
6. Time with Friends & Family
Time with friends and family is so precious. We never know how long we have with one another. It’s sad how it sometimes takes a holiday to catch up with these family members and friends, but never the less I am thankful for these times.
7. Giving Gifts
Giving gifts is one of my favorite things. If I had all the money in the world, I would honestly spend a majority of it buy things for other people.
8. Christmas Cards
Christmas cards are something I have started to cherish within the last several years. I feel like snail mail is practically extinct and we don’t write letters and cards to people as much as we used to. I really appreciate Christmas cards from others, and I love sending out my own Christmas cards.
9. Comfy, Cozy Layers
Comfy and cozy clothes are my jam. A day I can wear a pair of leggings and a sweat shirt is a good day. I also love being able to bundle up in sweaters, throw on some leg warmers, and even top off my outfit with a cute little beanie.
10. Remembering and Honoring the Birth of Jesus
Lastly, I love remembering what Christmas is truly all about, the birth of our savior Jesus! Jesus is the reason for the season. I am so thankful Jesus was born and we take the time every year to celebrate his birth.
Hour glass figure, hips, tiny waist, big boobs, clear skin, luscious hair, big eyes, big butt, long legs, small feet, no stretch marks, straight teeth, and perfection. If you are a woman, odds are you have grown up hearing these unrealistic expectations, These expectations and many more, are what our society deems as perfect, beautiful and sexy.
Growing up, I was never completely confident in my body image. I struggled with acne, I was short, blessed up top and down low. I had to have braces, wear glasses and struggle to figure out how to make myself look presentable. I had to overcome the awkwardness of being a teenage, and transition into young adulthood
Before I got pregnant the first time, I struggled with stretch marks, not really on my stomach, but in other areas of my body.
In my first few weeks of pregnancy, I started to develop stretch marks on my stomach and around my belly button. After I suffered my first pregnancy loss, I felt completely horrified by the shell that once held my baby. I had gained weight, developed stretch marks, and had suffered postpartum hair loss as my hormones began to drop. I felt like a teenager all over again, as I struggled to look at myself in the mirror. I know body image can be a struggle for many women postpartum after birth, but nobody really talks about how it is a struggle for women postpartum a miscarriage.
Last summer I took the imitative in getting back to a healthier me. I focused on my physical and mental health, as well as dedicated any spare time I had to selfcare. I started intermittent fasting, going to the gym a few times a week with my bestie, and started eating healthier. These little changes in my lifestyle helped me start to feel better. At the end of summer I went to a doctor appointment, and I was so disappointed to find out that despite my dedication to these lifestyle changes, I wasn’t losing any weight. I had gained 3 lbs. instead.
For a few more weeks I continued this lifestyle, even though I felt highly discouraged. I tried researching, online reasons why it may be challenging for someone to lose weight and become healthier after a miscarriage. To my surprise, I couldn’t find anything. I continued to feel discouraged, and not interested in even trying to be healthy any more. I figured, what was the point? I started to have the mentality of, my body is ruined, and I don’t even have a healthy baby to show for it.
When I was about ready to give up, a conversation with a dietitian encouraged me more than any conversation I had with anyone else. I went to a WIC appointment after my second loss. She asked me questions about my diet, physical activity and mental health. I explained to her that I try to eat right, do intermittent fasting, excericise, struggle with hypothyroidism, and still have yet to see any results after both my pregnancies. The dietician listened and was very understanding. She disclosed to me that she too has hypothyroidism, she has had a miscarriage and a healthy pregnancy and also struggles with anxiety. She explained to me that unfortunately it can be very challenging after a pregnancy whether you give birth or suffer a pregnancy loss to lose weight. It is often hard for women physically because of the hormones that linger after pregnancy. It can also be challenging to lose weight in general if someone struggles with anxiety, depression or grief because our bodies like to hold on to the extra fat, almost as a protection. She encouraged me not to give up and that it can definetly take a while, especially if I am struggling with all these things. She also suggested eliminating late night snacking, drinking more water, and getting plenty of rest.
I’ve learned a lot about body image since my first pregnancy. For one, pregnancy affects a lot of things in a woman’s body. Anything from a woman’s mood to her thyroid, weight and blood pressure can be very affected. I’ve also learned that weight gain isn’t always your fault. Sometimes as much as you try to lose weight, there can be certain factors that affect how fast you lose weight. Learning this eased my anxiety and discouragement. For weeks, I was beating myself up about my weight, when in reality I was truly doing all I could do. So if you are a woman and you too are struggling with postpartum body image, please show yourself some grace. It’s hard losing weight, but it can be extremely hard when you have other physical and mental struggles going on.
So, don’t give up. Even if you’re not seeing results, and even if the scale is being discouraging, if you are intentionally trying to be healthier, and putting your health first… you are making a difference.
On Tuesday October 15th, it was an eventful day. This day was the beginning of my university’s fall break. It was also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This day impacted me more than I anticipated. I started my Tuesday like any other. Charles and I went to our 9:30am class, then I attended my 11am class. I didn’t see Charles after that because he had to leave and head to our state capital for an internship interview.
In the afternoon after my classes, I headed home to take a nap. Charles called me after his interview and told me he made it into the internship. I was super excited for him. Shortly after that I fell asleep. When I woke up I checked my phone and noticed I had ten missed calls from Charles. I was super concerned, because there is no way Charles would call me that many times unless something was wrong. I was in process of calling him back when he called me first. I answered the phone and he explained to me that he had been in a car accident. I was instantly stressed, but tried to stay calm for him.
Thankfully he was okay, and our car was beat up but still drivable.
In the evening I met up with Charles at my parents house. My dad was able to check out our car, and my mom fed us dinner. It was an unexpected family evening, but I definitely needed it. At 7pm, we also took a moment to honor Chase and Mackenzie on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My family and I lit 3 candles. 1 candle was for Chase. 1 candle was for Mackenzie, and 1 candle was for my brother Matthew. Even though the day didn’t go as planned, and it was some what unexpectedly emotional, I was certainly thankful to be able to spend it with family.
In the beginning of September, I was in a funk. Part of me was depressed and anxious as my “what would have been due date” was approaching…. While other parts of me, was excited for a new beginning. I was excited to start school again. I was excited to continue getting healthier and start our trying to conceive journey. I was also excited for fall, and all the fall things.
On September 7th, after coming home from my campus job, I looked through the mail. I discovered a letter from DHHS and opened it. As I read the letter I froze. I was shocked. I was angry and I was hurt. The letter read:
Reporting a Baby’s Birth. Our records show that you will be giving birth to a baby this month. Please…..
After that I stopped reading. I called my husband into the living room. I was heated. Why was DHHS sending me this document, when I had already called back in February and told them I had experienced a miscarriage? Charles encouraged me to call and leave a message. I was so angry, and I truly wanted to leave an enraged voicemail on my case worker’s phone. I wanted to… but I didn’t. I was afraid that if I had tore into my case worker…. it was likely he wouldn’t take me seriously. Instead I was stern, honest, and said that there was no reason I should have received this letter.
A few days later he called me back. He left a message and said that he was unaware I had had a miscarriage. For whatever reason he never got the message, but would fix it right away. Receiving this message made me even more angry. He didn’t get the message? Seriously!? Not only was I upset that he didn’t get my message, but it didn’t even make any sense. DHHS paid for my D & C! They paid for all of my appointments!
So why on earth did he not realize I wasn’t pregnant?
Receiving letters in the mail, promotional offers of baby items via email, and even a free case of baby formula left at my door; were just some of the many unwanted reminders I experienced before my due date.
In August, my emotions of feeling peaceful and accepting started to escape me. The 12th of August was my birthday, and unlike most years… I was dreading it. For some reason when I was pregnant with Mackenzie, I was super excited to be pregnant on my birthday. I was also excited that within a short month I would be welcoming my beautiful baby into the world. Since that was no longer the case, my birthday just brought up sadness, grief and anger. I had it in my head I would be done with college and be a mommy to a baby here on earth, but that just wasn’t the case.
On my birthday I was sad but tried putting on a brave face. My best friends took me out to breakfast for a free birthday meal. My mom took me out to lunch and took me shopping. My parents bought me beautiful flowers and my husband ordered my favorite pizza. My family did a great job of keeping me distracted and helping me get through the day.
Sometimes, it is incredibly challenging to do simple tasks and enjoy special days when you are grieving. I have quickly learned that holidays, anniversaries and birthdays are the worst because those are the days I long to have my baby with me the most. I love my baby Mackenzie, and even though I have done a lot work on myself… I still struggle with how to be a mom to a baby in Heaven.