This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. As many of you know I have experienced two losses and now our Rainbow Baby is on the way. Because of this I would like to share some resources I created at the time I was going through my losses in 2019.
You’re in Heaven
The day I found out you were gone, was the worst day.
I didn’t see it coming, and I didn’t want to believe it.
I wanted to scream, cry and run because I was so afraid.
I didn’t want to feel the heaviness of grief wash over me.
I didn’t want to believe you were gone.
As the weeks go by, I hate this but know that this is how it has to be.
The doubts and anger sometimes flutters back.
I thought you were okay, but I guess I was wrong.
I think about you every single day.
I wonder where you are, and if you are happy, safe, near or far away.
It gives me peace knowing you are in a beautiful place.
You’re in Heaven where there is no pain.
I so wish I could meet you and see your face.
But since that’s not a choice I have, I instead wait for the rain.
After the rain there is usually a rainbow.
I see this as a sign from Heaven, that I had to let you go.
You are doing good.
You weren’t meant to live this life with me like I think you should.
It’s Mother’s Day. This is the day we celebrate all the mothers. We celebrate the women In our lives who have raised us, nurtured us and taught us how to be good people in our society. We celebrate the women who showed us unconditional love from the very beginning. This day is meant to be a celebration, but to many… it is a somber holiday.
Being a mother is a very special role. It is one of, if not the hardest job there is. That being said not all mothers are the same. When you think of a mother you likely will think of biological moms, step moms, foster moms, moms who have adopted and grandmothers. But what about the other moms in this world? What about the women who hold a mothering role in a child’s life, such as an aunt, cousin, friend, teacher, or mentor. What about the moms who have lost a child, whether it was a pregnancy loss, neonatal loss or loss of a child at an older age?
All of these women are just as much mothers, and hold a special place in our society and in a child’s life.
And let’s not forget all the women who want to be mothers. These women may struggle with infertility, illness, are choosing not to have children at this time in their life or suffer from recurrent miscarriages. These women are as much mothers to our society and to children in our world, just in a different way.
This mother’s day is also different as the Covid-19 pandemic has prevented some children from seeing and celebrating their mother’s today. It almost seems as if there is a grief in the air just from the pandemic. I feel that in it self has made this holiday especially somber this year.
Even though this is a holiday to celebrate all the mothers, it is sometimes a somber holiday for those who have lost a child, who are unable to have children, or who have lost their mothers. If you are reading this, and you have lost your mother, lost a child or are unable to have children, I just want to say… I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry this holiday brings up emotions of grief, guilt, anger, sadness, anxiety and dread. I’m sorry for the atmosphere of loneliness you feel on this holiday. I want to remind you though that you are not alone. Yes, your experience is yours, but their are so many of us who too have experienced that loss.
There are so many of us who have felt the pain that can be experienced in this life, even though we don’t talk about it.
So today, not only are we celebrating all the traditional mother’s out there, but we are remembering the mothers who have faced loss and heartache as well. I can tell you first hand, this day is not easy, but when the grief and loneliness become too much, remember to take care of you. Don’t have high expectations on yourself. Give yourself grace and love. Order food in, eat some chocolate, take a bubble bath, binge watch a comedy series, or stay in your PJs. Happy or not this day is about you and the love you’ve shared.
Today I will be taking it easy and remembering my babies I’ve lost because even though it hurts, they made me a mom. When the grief gets to be too much today, I will remember that I am not any less a mom because my babies are in Heaven.
I will end with this. It’s Mother’s Day, happy or not this is the day we celebrate and remember all mothers and to all the women who share that role. Thank you for all that you do and love that you’ve shared. I will be thinking of you today.
It has been a long time and I am so sorry about that. To be honest my life has made a 180° turn since my last post. So many things have changed and I would love to catch you all up.
I graduate in 25 days… or do I? Being in college amidst this global pandemic has surely taken a toll on my studies. About two weeks ago my university transitioned to distant learning and all classes are being completed online. I was also notified a few days later that my graduation ceremony is being postponed. I’m disappointed in how much the current pandemic is affecting my last semester, but I’m thankful to be healthy, safe and to be able to finish my last semester of college.
I got a new job! Recently, I got a new job as a Young 5’s teacher. However with all the shut downs, and stay at home orders…. my job is on pause for now. I have faith however, things will get back to normal and I will be able to go back to doing what I love… teaching and working with children. ❤️
My Memoir is still in the making… Don’t worry, I’m still writing my book, but I’m realizing it is more of a process than I had ever anticipated. I’ve mostly focused on school, and my hope is after the semester is over, I can go back to writing my book. It’s not like I won’t have time to do so, since we’re all stuck at home.
We moved! This is the biggest change of all! We moved to a new apartment that is beautiful and cozy. I have been diligently decorating and organizing our new space, and I can’t wait to share all about it!
How are you doing? This pandemic is interesting, strange, confusing, scary, exhausting, and stressful. How are you feeling? I’m here if you want to talk, vent, or simply express yourself. I also want to offer a little encouragement. It’s okay to not be okay. We’re all going through it. We’re all anxious and wondering about the unknown. We’re all frustrated about what we can’t control. We’re all struggling. But it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to get through this together. It’s okay to lean on each other and check in. It’s okay that we are doing the best we can right now. Hugs and prayers to all of you!