Seeing the Vision Through…

Two years ago, I was an entirely different person. I was a newly college graduated, preschool teaching, fur mama, and wife. I struggled with grief on a daily and finding my purpose in the midst of the uncertainty that lie ahead. I aspired to be great. I aspired to do many things, but the one thing I wanted and dreamed more than anything was to be a mom.

Today I am a stay at home mom, blogger and aspiring writer. In many ways I’ve made it and in other ways, I’m still working on it one day at a time.

I remember the day I created this vision board, two years ago. I went to the dollar store and bought some poster board. The next day I got up early on a sunny Saturday morning, pulled out my scrapbooking stuff and went to work. I created a vision. I displayed through art the desires of my heart to be a mother. I had no idea how it would play out, but I knew with even the tiniest bit of faith, God would see me, God would hear me and He would grant me the desires of my heart as long as it was according to His will.

As hard as the waiting season was, I’m so glad I never lost faith. 💛

Changing My Focus

In January of 2019, my life took a turn and headed down a path that I didn’t see coming. Many of you know this story as it has been the foundation of my blog. I got pregnant for the first time. In February I suffered a loss that would not only be a defining moment in my life, but would also change the way I live my life.

After my first pregnancy loss, I spent a lot of time at home. As I grieved and healed from the loss of our baby, I spent a lot of time in my thoughts. I spent hours on social media such as Instagram and Facebook, watching other influencers on stories and in their posts.

In the summer of 2019, I put a pause on therapy. My therapist didn’t work through the summer, so took that time to really dive into what I felt my purpose and new found calling was… advocacy. I was passionate and felt led to advocate for women like me who had suffered a pregnancy loss.

In September I was ready, and I was motivated to share my story to anyone who would listen, and help those who had experienced loss. My what would have been due date was approaching, so in the midst of being passionate, I was also grieving. Then I got pregnant for a second time.

This was it. This was my rainbow baby. I was nervous but almost over confident I wasn’t going to have another loss. Things would be different this time. I went to school, went to all my appointments. I ate healthy. Everything was going to be just fine. Then at the end of September, I had my second loss.

I was numb. I was confused. I did everything right… and I still lost another baby. I beat myself up. I again had that intense passion and a little whisper in my ear that said share your story. Write a book. That was it! I should write a memoir. My blog was doing great. Why not take it a step further and start writing. The beginning of the writing process really wasn’t difficult because I just had to take bits and pieces of blog posts and turn it into a book.

In February of 2020, on a whim I created a rough draft of a children’s book that explained miscarriage in a child-friendly way. In March of 2020, I got a new job teaching, literally right before the big pandemic. In April of 2020, I graduated college. Being a new college graduate and starting a new job, my writing took a back seat.

In May of 2020, Charles and I decided to try for a baby one more time before pursuing adoption. It was frustrating, terrifying, and very much out of our control, but we said we’d give it a year.

In June of 2020, I decided to publish the children’s book I created back in February. I was touched by its’ small success and this motivated me to continue writing my story. I occasionally fiddled with my story on weekends or holiday breaks. But it wasn’t until December of 2020 that I finished my first draft.

In April of 2021, I was feeling very discouraged. We received negative test after test. It was feeling like my opportunities of being pregnant and having a baby had come and gone. At the end of that month I missed my period, and was pregnant for the third time.

For months, I had been experiencing writer’s block when it came to my book. I told myself I should have finished and published my book before I got pregnant, but that just didn’t happen. My blog continued to do well. I created stories, reels, posted pictures of my life, home decor and was hopeful to soon be sharing our pregnancy.

In May of 2021, I started telling a few people we were pregnant after having our first ultrasound. I fought morning sickness and fatigue which was awful, but also reassuring that things were likely okay with our pregnancy.

In June, I shared with the world that I was pregnant. I was hopeful that third time was it for us, and that this would be our rainbow baby. 3 pregnancies and we were finally able to make a public announcement.

In August, we found out we were having a baby boy. I was engulfed with sleepers, nursing bras, bassinets and diapers. My manuscript continued to take a back seat. To be honest, I was slightly afraid to read it while being pregnant. I knew by reading my memoir I would be reliving the pain and grief of our previous losses, and I didn’t want to do that while caring for my so far healthy third pregnancy.

My third pregnancy was actually going perfect. Every ultrasound and appointment seemed to be right on track, until October when I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes and November when I got Covid. This led to non-stress tests 2 times a week along with my normal OB appointments. This took up much of my time on top of working 35-40 hours a week.

We had our rainbow baby in January of 2022. Everything fell into place. My husband and I both had great jobs, and we were blessed to finally have our rainbow baby. You could blame it on hormones or endorphins, but at the time I felt like I had it all and didn’t feel a need to share my story anymore.

It wasn’t until I wrote out our birth story, and it occurred to me that there was a reason I hadn’t finished my memoir yet. Maybe my story wasn’t finished with the miscarriages. Maybe my story wasn’t only about loss and grief, but faith and hope. I pondered this for awhile and realized deep down, I still indeed wanted to write and publish my memoir.


So here we are, 8ish months after I gave birth and 3.5 years since my story began. In these times of chasing around a mobile baby, I find myself with the desire of changing my focus from influencing to writing. I’ve enjoyed my time on Instagram, but it’s just not me anymore. I’m ready to focus on my writing and focus on sharing my story through print.

Through this process of fine tuning my purpose, I have wrote out a few general goals/ideas I hope to pursue in the near future:

  • Sign up for a Writing for Beginner’s Workshop
  • Scrap my first draft, start fresh but also continue the story and add my third pregnancy and birth.
  • Back off from my blogging IG, and focus mainly on the blog.

It’s been fun being an instagrammer, but I’m ready to come back to my first love so to speak, which is writing. ❤️

Grieving

The smell of a specific perfume, or the noise of a powerful laugh; the thought of a memory that happened many years ago, yet feels like was only within a few moments. The thought of missing someone so heavily that all of time stops, and your entire body grows cold.

This is grief.

I recently had a dream that my grandparents came over to my home. They were over the moon and all smiles about my son. They snuggled with him, played with him and laughed so deeply that it shook the house. They were honored to be great grandparents. They were in love with my son.

Then I woke up.

I woke up and remembered my Grandma and Grandpa were gone. Both had been gone for a few years now. One died from Alzheimer’s and the other from cancer. I remembered they were no longer apart of this life. They never got to be great grandparents and they never got to meet their great grandson.

This is when grief returns.

There are moments, I look at my son and I just can’t believe he’s mine. He’s a perfect mix of both his father and I. I can’t help but think of his siblings, the babies we had before him that we never got to meet.

Grief hits hard.

Last year when I was pregnant for my son, my best friend was pregnant with her daughter. My best friend lost her baby before 21 weeks. It was painful. It was excruciating and it wasn’t fair.

Grief has defining moments.

My senior year of high school, a girl I knew from youth group drowned. At the time I could hardly fathom someone around my age dying. How could it be? She had so much life to live and so much love to give. Why?

Grief is apart life.

Without death there is no life. Without life there is no love. With love comes risk. We risk loving someone even though we know we could lose them. Love is more than a feeling, yet with it sometimes comes loss which can be excruciating. If we don’t love we don’t live. And if we don’t live then, what’s the point?

Grief is a reminder.

As hard as it is to grieve, it reminds us of what we had. It reminds us of the good in our lives, the relationships and the memories. By grieving we aren’t forgetting those we love, we are remembering and we are honoring those gone, usually way too soon.

We grieve because we love. ❤️

Revising a Baby Routine for My 7 Month Old

A few months ago, I shared with you an ideal baby routine, I was hoping to establish with my baby by the time he was 6 months old. It went something like this….

We were able to implement this plan for awhile, but as my son grows and becomes more active, it is time that we make some revisions. Currently my son shows these tendencies throughout the day:

  • He nurses about 7-9 times in a 24 hour period.
  • He eats 3 purees a day. This was recommended by his pediatrician to help him adjust to solid food.
  • He takes 2 naps a day, usually the first is 30 minutes to an hour and 10 minutes long. The second is an hour and a half to two hours long.
  • The witching hour is about an hour before bed.
  • He wakes up between 7-8am.
  • He goes to bed between 7-8pm
  • We try to go outside at least once a day.
  • He gets a bath 2 to 3 times a week.
  • He isn’t sleeping through the night yet as we just entered the 9 moth sleep regression.

The following is the schedule we are striving for:

As you can see, I try to establish plenty of free play time, as well as structured time such as eating.

Here’s to hoping this schedule works, and will help us establish a good night’s rest.


If you liked this blog post, feel free to let me know in the comments! You can also check out my previous blog post ⬇️⬇️⬇️

Grief & Mercy 7th Blog Post Round Up

Can you guys believe this is my 7th blog post round up!? I sure can’t. As of April I have been blogging for 3 years. Wow! Just wanted to take a moment and say thank you to everyone who has been a loyal reader and a part of my blogging journey. And now, without further or do, Here is my 7th blog post round up.

DIY Padsicles and Postpartum Care

This post I wrote when I was very pregnant, maybe 37 weeks? I wrote a variety of different blog posts before I gave birth so that I could take some time to spend with my newborn before returning back to blogging. This was a recipe I found online and heard great things about from different moms who’ve gone through a vaginal birth. I added my own twist to this recipe and I believe many others found this post helpful as well

Baby is Here!!! (Our Birth Story)

This was by far my most popular blog post, on every platform including Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest and WordPress Reader. I will say this too is one of my favorite blog posts as this is the story of how my sweet Baby Bear was born.

My Baby Bear is 1 Month Old!

After my son was born, I quickly realized that any blog post that was about my baby, usually became a popular post. This one was about Matthew turning a month old.

Why We Named Our Son Matthew

This post was a very special one to write as I was able to share the meaning of my son’s name as well as how and why we came up with the name Matthew.

Anxiety and Motherhood

I have always been an anxious person, but my anxiety intensified even more when I became a mom. In this post I talk about the joys, the challenges and the anxiety of being a mom.

How to Style a Bookshelf

This post helped me to unleash my creative juices and my need to organize everything. I thoroughly enjoyed creating and sharing my ideas on styling a bookshelf.

People Who Inspire Me: Meet My Mom

This post I wrote about my momma. I’ll be honest, I’ve been wanting to write this post about my mom for a long time, but I was almost always too emotional to do it. Once my mom finally became a Grandma, I decided to just buckle down and do it, and I’m so glad I did.

My Summer 2022 Bucket List

If you’ve been here awhile, you all know how I love creating a summer bucket list every year. This year things are going to be looking a little different as I’m temporarily staying with family, but never the less we’ll make it work.

My Nursing Journey Part 1

Nursing is no joke. It is hard work and an experience that I definitely wanted to document and share to encourage other mommas on their nursing journey.

Physical Therapy for Phagiocephaly and Torticollis

I decided to write about my son’s health because I enjoy reading other moms and their experiences and I too wanted to do the same thing to help others. I also wrote this post, because I’m curious to see his progress in the next few months.

Our Love Story (Part 6)

On a chilly November afternoon almost 6 years ago, I married my best friend. This is the story of our wedding day, and by far one of my most popular blog posts.


A Look Ahead…

When I Went to Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic

My Nursing Must Haves

Introducing Solid Foods

When my son was 4 months old, our pediatrician gave us the go ahead to start solid foods. I was excited but very nervous about this new adventure. I took two weeks to do research before starting solid foods.

My husband and I decided on starting with purées as these seemed to be the most safe and best option for us. We first started with carrots and let me tell you, my son was not a fan. The carrots would go in and a moment later the carrots would go out. Three days later we tried butternut squash. This time he swallowed a few spoonfuls and the rest went all over his bib.

My son is now 6 months old and so far we have tried peas, carrots, butternut squash, apples, bananas, mango, chicken, green beans, prunes, cereal, pears and peaches. His favorites seem to be bananas, butternut squash and apples.

This solid food journey has been exciting and I can’t wait to see what other foods my son likes to try. 🙂

Physical Therapy for Phagiocephaly and Torticollis

At my son’s 4 month well check appointment, it was discovered that he had a mild case of Phagiocephaly. This meant my son had a flat spot on his head. We were referred to physical therapy to have him evaluated and to determine whether he needed to go through therapy for the next few months and if he would need a helmet to help reshape and correct his head.

We went to the first appointment anxious about what they might find. The therapist did a variety of different stretches and evaluated his gross motor skills and mobility. It was determined that he did in fact have a flat spot on his head that just barely qualified as a moderate case, therefore requiring the physical therapist to refer him to be further evaluated for a helmet. We also were told that he had a mild to moderate case of Torticollis. This meant that he preferred to look more to one side over the other and that one side of the neck muscles were tight and needed to be stretched out. It was likely something he has had his entire life and even in the womb. This made a lot of sense to me as he preferred to sit on my left side the last 8-10 weeks of my pregnancy.

The therapist sent us on our way with some exercises and neck stretches to continue at home. The next two weeks my son and I worked hard. I was so thankful to be able to be home and work one-on-one with him so that I could best help him in stretching and strengthening his muscles, as well as possibly avoiding the helmet at all costs. I was also thankful for my education and my background in human anatomy and child development as I was able to help my son in all aspects.

Two weeks later at our next appointment, my son’s therapist again reevaluated his gross motor skills and mobility. She said she was very impressed with Matthew and thought he was a quick study. His Torticollis had improved tremendously and he was very close to sitting unassisted. Unfortunately, his flat spot on his head hadn’t changed much and we were still being referred for further reevaluation to possibly get a helmet.

Another two weeks went by and despite packing up our apartment and moving, I still diligently spent one-on-one time with Matthew doing his exercises and stretches.

When we returned to therapy the therapist noticed he was continuing to improve his Torticollis and even his flat spot was starting to improve. I was so thankful to hear that my son’s hard work was starting to pay off.

We currently are still going to therapy for both his Phagiocephaly and his Torticollis. But, I am confident that if we continue to work with him at home, then we will be able to avoid the intervention of a reshaping helmet very soon.

The Last 7 Years…

Since my son was born, I have found myself going through a lot of old photos. My intention of this was really just to see how much my son ended up looking like me. But as I’ve perused different photos, I found myself going down memory lane, and really thinking back to the last 7 years and the experiences that have helped mold me as the person I am today.

In September of 2014, I met an 18 year old boy in Spanish class. He was kind, polite and a little nosey. I didn’t know it then that he would one day be my husband. ❤️

I didn’t intend to meet my future husband in Spanish class. I actually signed up for the class so I could prepare for a mission trip to the Dominican Republic in February of 2015. This trip changed my life. I learned how to be grateful for the things I have, like an indoor shower, a floor and air conditioning. I also grew more in love with helping others and teaching children. 🖍

In the fall of 2016, I became a lead preschool teacher for 3 year olds. I graduated from community college in the Spring of 2016 and instead of heading straight to a university, I decided to take a gap year and gain some experience in my field. It was wonderfully challenging to say the least. Everyday was an adventure. From potty training, to positive child guidance, to sickness, to coloring on the wall, to giggle fits, to Disney dance parties; it was enjoyable and one of the best years of my life.

While planning my classroom that fall I also planned my wedding. Talk about a lot on your plate all at once. Charles proposed in August and we got married in mid November. A beautiful fall wedding that wonderfully captured our love for God and love for each other. 💒

In Spring of 2018, I decided to go back to school to further my education. I had already received an Associates in Early Childhood Education and an Associates in General Studies at community college. My next step was to a university for a Bachelors in Child and Family Development.

While studying for my Bachelors, I hit a little bump in the road and got pregnant. Though it wasn’t planned, we were excited and ready to venture into parenting. Sadly our first pregnancy came to an end at 11 weeks.

After my first miscarriage, I started writing my blog, and sharing my story to cope with my grief and help others. I had the opportunity to get published in a magazine, and start a blogging platform on WordPress and Instagram.

After my second miscarriage, I got involved in advocacy work on my college campus. Even though I didn’t agree with everything that was taught, I did learn the fundamentals of what it means to be an advocate, overcoming trauma and standing up for what you believe in

After many twists and turns, I finally graduated with my Bachelors in Child and Family Development. I may have graduated in a pandemic, which certainly wasn’t planned, but I was able to finish my education and start my new career.

Shortly after graduating and getting back into my field of teaching and child care, I decided to work on a new project. I wrote and illustrated a children’s book about miscarriage and grief.

In August of 2020, my mothering heart was longing for a baby. And though we had decided to hold off trying for a baby, we decided to try adopting and caring for a kitten. We went to a local cat cafe where we met Breadstick. This little 4 month old kitten worked his way into our laps and our hearts. We adopted him on a Friday afternoon, renamed him Rocky, and the rest is history.

On Mother’s Day of 2020, my husband and I decided to try again one more time. We prayed and hoped and waited for a baby. Our trying to conceive journey lasted a year and was full of ups and downs, negative test after test until finally we got out positive.

Pregnancy after suffering two losses was not easy. I worried constantly about the unknown, the past and things I couldn’t control. Thankfully with faith, prayer and encouragement I learned to be thankful for pregnancy and appreciate each moment as it came.

During my pregnancy, I mentally and emotionally prepared for my upcoming roll of motherhood. I leaned on other mom friends as well as my mom as I prepared for the journey ahead.

Giving birth was one of the most life changing experiences of my life. No things did not go as planned as I did not plan on being induced or being in labor for 3 days. But with the support of Jesus, family, friends and my medical team… I realized what my body was capable of and I had the strength to give birth to my beautiful miracle baby.

On January 2nd I became a mom, a mom earth-side that is. I’m not just a mom, but I’m a mom to two angel babies as well as one pretty incredible rainbow baby.


These last 7 years have been amazing, stressful, exhausting, entertaining, relaxing, memorable, wonderful, hilarious, beautiful and challenging. I love my life. It is exactly like and nothing like I had pictured. As a 19 year old girl, taking classes at a community college, to a new mom, with an education in children… I have to say, so far my life has turned out pretty great.

When Life Throws You a Curve Ball… and You Have to Keep Going!

In the last 2 months or so my life has been turned upside down, spun around and tossed out a window… okay, I may be a little mellow dramatic. But life has changed a lot and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be.

In late February, or early March (I can’t remember) I made the decision to be a stay at home mom. This was my dream, or at least part of it. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and have some sort of hobby/small business out of my home. It was a hard decision to make, but one I didn’t make lightly. After I had Matthew, I knew there was no way I could leave him to go back to work unless I absolutely had to.

In April my husband quit his current job and got a new job with better benefits, and higher pay. Everything felt like it was falling into place. I was a stay at home mom living out my dream, and he was working a better job living out his. Until the economy continued to tank, the war in Ukraine began, and the outside influences started to affect our daily way of life.

My husband started commuting for his new job. It was a hour and a half away. The drive wasn’t terrible. But the gas prices started to put a toll on our finances. As prices continued to go up on food, gas and everything else, we realized that my husband was spending more money to get to work, than he was actually bringing home. At the same time we also needed new tires and a new windshield for our car. I offered to go back to work. My husband was completely against it. He wanted me to live my dream as a stay at home mom, and he knew it was ultimately better for our son if I could stay home for him… and don’t even get me started about the cost of daycare if I went back to work.

After thoroughly looking through our finances and discussing things with family, we decided to break our lease and move in with family for the time being. It wasn’t an easy decision, but we really didn’t have any other option. So in 1 week we packed up our one bedroom apartment, paid to break our lease and moved in with family.

We have been moved in for about two weeks now. Life is crazy and out of our routine, but we are safe and saving money as the world around us continues to be unpredictable. I’m hopeful life will calm down as we unpack and settle in and this will be a blessing in disguise.

My Nursing Journey Part 1

As I write this, I can proudly say I have been nursing for 3 1/2 months. That’s 15 weeks, 109 days, approximately 872 nursing sessions, 218 pumping sessions and roughly 600 oz of frozen breast milk. Nursing in a nutshell has been… HARD WORK!

When my son was first born, we immediately did skin-to-skin contact and tried our first session of nursing. It was a challenge at first as we struggled with positioning and latching, but my amazing labor and delivery nurses helped me.

When we were transferred up to the Mother and Baby floor, my son’s blood sugar was checked and was reading fairly low. It was thought that since I had nothing to eat that day after my water broke at 3am and he was born around 2:30pm, that that was likely why his sugar was so low. It was also considered that my gestational diabetes was playing a factor here. I tried latching immediately when we got settled into our room but it wasn’t working. Since his sugar was low and he was exhausted from the birth, he was getting lethargic rather quickly. I became very frustrated and discouraged.

After a few minutes my nurse recommended that we try an alternative so we could get some nutrients into his body quickly. She suggested that I request some formula or some donor breast milk. I was on the fence for doing either of these alternatives as I was worried about nipple confusion. I took a moment to discuss with my husband, and we decided to go with the donor breast milk option. I decided that it was better for my baby to be healthy over latching on to me. I had my preference of course but when it came down to it, I didn’t mind how my baby was fed, just as long as he was happy and healthy.

Thankfully my son took the bottle of donor milk just fine. I felt some relief briefly only to worry about how his next feeding would go, and his next one and so on. My nurse encouraged me to try and feed him every hour to hour and a half in order to help keep his blood sugar up. They stressed that if he doesn’t wake up to eat then I needed to wake him.

Every hour from about 5pm to 2am I tried feeding my baby. Every hour we would struggle to latch for 10 minutes or so. My baby would seem disinterested and I would start crying. feeling like a failure as his mom. At one point around midnight I called my nurse in to see if she could guide me in positioning my baby so I could try and get him to latch. I had just seen her about a half hour before hand and before leaving she said “Let me know if you need anything. Don’t hesitate to hit your call button.”

When my nurse came back in, I asked if she could help me position my baby again to see if I could get him to latch. She seemed rather irritated and came over to the bed to help. Charles was doing his best to get some sleep so that I could hopefully get sleep later. After my nurse helped us latch she left the room saying “You know this is when Dad needs to assist you because we can’t keep coming in here to help you.” As she left I felt so hurt and embarrassed. I never intended to bug her, she literally just got done telling me to call if I needed help. After that I felt like I was on my own when it came to figuring out breastfeeding.

Throughout my time in the hospital, I decided to start pumping. I had read that pumping would help me increase my supply so that I could produce more milk for my baby. As my baby’s blood sugar numbers improved, his feeding schedule was moved to every 2 hours. So every hour I was either pumping or nursing. I tried latching every chance we got but during our entire time in the hospital he only successfully latched 3 times.


On the second day of our hospital stay, my son was scheduled for his circumcision. As the doctor came to take him to his procedure she did a quick exam and paused. She looked at me and said “Is he having any issues latching?” I told her that we had been struggling. She said she noticed as my baby started sucking on her finger that he had a tongue tie and that could very well be why he was struggling so much to latch. She explained that the procedure to correct it could be fixed at the same time as his circumcision. I felt some relief as she explained all of this but also fear as he had to go through another procedure, even if it was only minor. I called my husband and talked it over with him (since he was running errands) and we agreed to have it corrected.


On January 4th, we were discharged from the hospital. I was totally and completely terrified of leaving. Were we ready for this? Could we really take care of a baby that was less than 72 hours old? I was still struggling with this whole nursing thing. What if I couldn’t feed my baby? What if he needed formula? There weren’t nurses, lactation consults or doctors to check in on us and measure his weight everyday. I was fearing the worst and started down a hormonal postpartum spiral.

I think the only thing that stopped me from completely losing my mind was that my parents came to our apartment the day we came home. With the strict covid guidelines at the hospital, the only family members I had seen since being in labor was Charles and Alli. I felt some relief as my parents arrived and got to meet our baby. He was sleepy but he was happy. They instantly fell in love with him and I felt like I was doing something right.

To Be Continued…

Reblog: To the Grieving Mother on Mother’s Day… This One is for You.

I wrote this post two years ago, and even though some time has passed since I wrote it, I still feel it is even more relevant today. I will be thinking of all Mommies this Mother’s Day, no matter what motherhood may look like to you. ❤️


It’s Mother’s Day. This is the day we celebrate all the mothers. We celebrate the women In our lives who have raised us, nurtured us and taught us how to be good people in our society. We celebrate the women who showed us unconditional love from the very beginning. This day is meant to be a celebration, but to many… it is a somber holiday. 

Being a mother is a very special role. It is one of, if not the hardest jobs there is. That being said not all mothers are the same. When you think of a mother you likely will think of biological moms, step moms, foster moms, moms who have adopted and grandmothers. But what about the other moms in this world? What about the women who hold a mothering role in a child’s life, such as an aunt, cousin, friend, teacher, or mentor. What about the moms who have lost a child, whether it was a pregnancy loss, neonatal loss or loss of a child at an older age? 


ALL OF THESE WOMEN ARE JUST AS MUCH MOTHERS, AND HOLD A SPECIAL PLACE IN OUR SOCIETY AND IN A CHILD’S LIFE. 


And let’s not forget all the women who want to be mothers. These women may struggle with infertility, illness, are choosing not to have children at this time in their life or suffer from recurrent miscarriages. These women are as much mothers to our society and to children in our world, just in a different way. 

This mother’s day is also different as the Covid-19 pandemic has prevented some children from seeing and celebrating their mother’s today. It almost seems as if there is a grief in the air just from the pandemic. I feel that in it self has made this holiday especially somber this year. 

Even though this is a holiday to celebrate all the mothers, it is sometimes a somber holiday for those who have lost a child, who are unable to have children, or who have lost their mothers. If you are reading this, and you have lost your mother, lost a child or are unable to have children, I just want to say… I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry this holiday brings up emotions of grief, guilt, anger, sadness, anxiety and dread. I’m sorry for the atmosphere of loneliness you feel on this holiday. I want to remind you though that you are not alone. Yes, your experience is yours, but their are so many of us who too have experienced that loss. 


THERE ARE SO MANY OF US WHO HAVE FELT THE PAIN THAT CAN BE EXPERIENCED IN THIS LIFE, EVEN THOUGH WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT. 


So today, not only are we celebrating all the traditional mother’s out there, but we are remembering the mothers who have faced loss and heartache as well. I can tell you first hand, this day is not easy, but when the grief and loneliness become too much, remember to take care of you. Don’t have high expectations on yourself. Give yourself grace and love. Order food in, eat some chocolate, take a bubble bath, binge watch a comedy series, or stay in your PJs. Happy or not this day is about you and the love you’ve shared. 

Today I will be taking it easy and remembering my babies I’ve lost because even though it hurts, they made me a mom. When the grief gets to be too much today, I will remember that I am not any less a mom because my babies are in Heaven. 

I will end with this. It’s Mother’s Day, happy or not this is the day we celebrate and remember all mothers and to all the women who share that role. Thank you for all that you do and love that you’ve shared. I will be thinking of you today.

1 Year Ago Today, I Found out I was Pregnant

On Friday April 30th at 4 something in the morning, I woke up and had to pee. With my eyes heavy, and body exhausted from the work week, I contemplated on whether or not I should take my very last pregnancy test. I was only a day or two late for my period, which wasn’t unusual for me. And to be honest I was feeling pretty defeated. I was tired of wasting my money on pregnancy tests, and getting my hopes up month after month only to receive negative after negative.

I had one final digital pregnancy test under my bathroom counter. It would expire by the next month anyway. I thought why not? It was my morning pee, and they say that’s the most accurate anyway. I peed in a cup, took the test and waited. I prepared myself for disappointment yet again. While I waited something told me to take pictures and document the moment. I figured whether the test was positive or negative, it was apart of my story that I could one day share to help others, so I did.

I watched as the test counted down, and a word flashed on the screen. I instantly thought, it’s broken it says pregnant, where’s the not? I had grown so accustomed to reading the words Not Pregnant that it took a moment for me to realize this was a positive test. I was pregnant with our rainbow baby… and the rest is history.

I spent the next few weeks harboring this little secret until around 6 weeks when I told close friends and family. I told my job around 7 weeks and publicly announced between 11-12 weeks.

Pregnancy was one of the best and most anxious times in my life. I constantly feared we would suffer another loss, but as each week passed I started to calm down and enjoy pregnancy little by little. During pregnancy I dealt with morning sickness, sciatica, grieving for a friend who suffered a loss, gestational diabetes, Covid and a long and painful induction. Pregnancy was not easy, but overall baby and I both remained relatively healthy.

On January 2nd, 2022 God blessed us with our beautiful Rainbow Baby. Matthew is our world. I couldn’t have asked for a better baby. He’s a perfect mix of his Mommy and Daddy.

I share this all with you because in many ways my story has come full circle. Mother’s Day is approaching and I know first hand the feeling of dread, and grief that comes with this holiday to women who struggle with infertility and women of pregnancy loss. I want you to know that I’m here for you. I also want you to know that I am living proof that God answers prayers. He hears you. When the doctors say something is impossible, He is able to make things possible. He can turn ashes into beauty. He can do anything if we just have a little faith. I thank God for my beautiful rainbow baby every single day, and even though it was hard and sometimes excruciating, I thank God for the journey he took me on because it molded me into who I am today as a person, as a writer, and now as a mom.

If you are reading this and you long for a baby… I see you, I hear you, I was you and I’m praying for you. Remember the bigger the storm, the brighter the rainbow. 🌈 I pray you are blessed with a baby and a family of your own. It may not be the way you pictured or when you wanted but I pray it happens for you. God is bigger than anything else and He can make a way, if we just have a little faith. ❤️