The following post is my story of how I experienced my second miscarriage. In this post I show vulnerability in retelling my second loss. I also share details in my miscarriage, so I do want to offer a TRIGGER WARNING before anyone begins reading my post. Please feel free to stop reading, and take care of you if my words, and my story are challenging to read.
At 12am on Sunday September 29th, I was startled awake. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. I had just gotten home from the ER a few hours prior. I was advised by my doctors and nurses to get some rest. I had only been asleep for a few hours when I woke up at midnight. I was confused. My heart was racing. I was sweating and I felt really uncomfortable. It’s just anxiety. Calm down. Relax. Baby is okay. I tried talking myself down from my minor panic attack.
I nudged Charles awake. He held my hand and we both fell back asleep.
I woke up again around 2:15am. I woke up sweaty and gross and had to go to the bathroom. I was scared to see I was still spotting and it was getting worse. I was now seeing bright red blood instead of light pink. In wasn’t a lot of blood, but it was getting darker. I prayed, prayed, prayed then fell back asleep.
I woke up at 4am in pain. Cramps radiated from my groin throughout my back. I couldn’t get comfortable. I held my belly, then curled up in a ball. It wasn’t taking the pain away. I got out of bed and tried stretching my legs and my back. I was so confused. What was going on? Why was I in so much pain? After a few minutes of stretching the pain died down. I laid back down. Fifteen minutes later it happen again. Sheering pain was radiating through my core. I tried stretching, pacing and slowly breathing, at that moment it dawned on me. Oh my gosh… I know what this is. Cramps that are painful that radiate throughout my back. Uncomfortable positions. Pain every few minutes. This pain wasn’t just cramps, these were labor pains. I was in labor and I was going to lose this baby.
When this realization hit me, I wanted to throw up. Part of it was the pain, and part of it was my mind and emotions trying to catch up with what my body already knew. I had cramps every fifteen minutes, then every ten minutes, then every five. I paced through my apartment, tried laying in bed and tried sitting on the toilet. Nothing helped with the pain. Around 5:15am, I found myself laying on my bathroom floor sobbing.
I felt scared and alone. I considered waking up Charles, but I didn’t. I didn’t want him to be scared.
At 5:36am I cried out to God. I pleaded with God to help me. I knew my baby was already gone, and my body had a job to do. I knew this was completely out of my control. I knew the end was coming, but I couldn’t bare to think about it. I asked God that if this was it, if I was truly going to lose my baby, then could He just please make it quick. Ten minutes later at 5:46am, I felt my baby leave my body. I felt blood pour out of me and I felt my heart shatter yet again as I said I’m so sorry to my baby, and left the bathroom.
I went into my room and woke up Charles. I sobbed and told him what happen. He was confused and saddened. He held me and we cried together. That was it, it was done. My second pregnancy and my Rainbow Baby Chase were gone.
The next morning we woke up and tried to wrap our minds around what had happen. I took it easy that day, since my body was truly drained. I reached out to family and friends and let them know what had happen. They sent their love and condolences. I couldn’t believe it. We lost another baby. Why? That afternoon, Alli and Andrea sent us some flowers that read: In Loving Memory of Baby Chase. Reading this made me cry, and after that I didn’t cry for awhile. I didn’t feel like I should.
Saturday September 28th, was supposed to be a very relaxing day. I didn’t have any plans that day except for studying and relaxing at home. I spent the morning in my pjs, drinking decaf coffee and catching up on some reading. Charles headed to our university’s football game and hung out with friends. I felt completely fine, except some cramping around my pelvis and cervix. However, I was convinced that this cramping was completely normal in early pregnancy.
Around 1:30pm I made myself some cheesy potatoes for lunch. I then went to the bathroom for probably the tenth time that day. When I went to the bathroom, I felt completely normal and pregnant. When I went to wipe though, I froze. Blood. There was blood. I was bleeding. I was spotting. Oh no! I instantly started to panic. It wasn’t a lot of blood, and if I were to describe it…. it was like the color of pink lemonade. Regardless, it was enough blood to scare me.
Why was I bleeding? This can’t be happening! Not again! I can’t handle this! I can’t handle another loss! I frantically started praying. God please, please keep baby Chase safe! I don’t want to lose him!
I immediately called Charles. Once I started crying, I couldn’t stop. I told Charles what was going on and he immediately headed home. While I waited for Charles I called my friend Andrea. She prayed over Chase and I. I also called the midwife on call. I explained to her how I was feeling, and what I was seeing. The midwife explained that unfortunately it did sound like another miscarriage, but I could always go the hospital to get checked out if I wanted to. When Charles got home he hugged me, and reassured me things were going to be okay. Then we headed to the hospital.
Going to the ER on a Saturday afternoon, I knew there would be a wait. However, I didn’t anticipate a full hour wait. When we were finally called back, I was able to relax and rest in bed. My cramps were still mild and the bleeding hadn’t gotten any worse. I was thankful for that. I explained to every nurse and doctor I saw my symptoms and medical history. I had a variety of tests done including CBC blood work, urine test, pelvic exam and three ultrasounds.
One nurse that particularly stood out to me was Doug. He was the best male nurse I have ever had. He went above and beyond to take care of me, my baby and my husband. He was funny and very willing to answer my questions. He also disclosed to us that his wife has had three miscarriages, and currently has two sons at home, and an infant in the NICU of the hospital. One thing Doug said that truly stood out to me, was this: At this point we don’t know if you are going to have a miscarriage or have a healthy pregnancy. But just try to take care of yourself and rest. Know that you have done nothing wrong. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be at this time….
Don’t be scared, because your body knows what to do, and it is going to do what needs to be done. So, take care of yourself and be there for one another because this affects both of you.
Based on all my tests, everything was completely normal. My blood work showed that my HCG was in the 2000s which was higher than I ever had with my first pregnancy. My hemoglobin, and thyroid levels also looked great. My urine was fine and no UTI. My pelvic exam was normal besides some uterine bleeding. Lastly, my ultrasounds all came back fine. The reason I had three ultrasounds is because the doctors had a hard time finding the fetus. The ER doctor first used an ultrasound machine beside, which apparently has a difficult time picking up a fetus smaller than 12 weeks. I was then sent to an ultrasound room where I had another test done over my belly. The tech also had a hard time finding the fetus, so I had to have an inner-vaginal ultrasound. During this test, the tech and Charles were able to see the baby. Baby was only measuring at 5 weeks and 2 days… which was strange since I was supposed to be two weeks further in my pregnancy. However, the doctors said it was a possibility I had ovulated late. Besides that, baby was still attached to the uterus and everything seemed normal.
That night around 6:30pm we were sent home. I called and texted family and friends to let them know what was going on. When we got home, I forced myself to rest and take it easy. Shortly after arriving home, I had to go to the bathroom again. Though I was hoping the bleeding had stopped, I was still anxious by what I saw. I was still bleeding and it was getting brighter and thicker. Even though I was cleared to go home, I still feared I was going to lose this baby. Charles took the evening to hold me, and reassure me that it was going to be okay. That night when I went to sleep I had peace and faith I was going to wake up in the morning, with no bleeding and feeling so much better. I was convinced my baby and I would be fine, until I woke up at 12am the next morning……
My Feel Good Playlist
1. Keep You’re Head Up – by Andy Grammer
2. How Far I’ll Go – by Auil’i Cravalho
3. I Gotta Feeling – by Black Eyed Peas
4. Just the Way You Are – by Bruno Mars
5. Fallin’ for You – by Collbie Caillat
6. Tell Me You Love Me – by Demi Lovato
7. Perfect – by Ed Sheeran
8. How to Save a Life – by The Fray
9. Come to Me – by Jamie Grace
10. I Won’t Give Up – by Jason Miraz
11. Say – by John Mayer
12. Good Morning – by Mandisa
13. Uptown Funk – by Bruno Mars
14. She Will Be Loved – by Maroon 5
15. Shake It Off – by Taylor Swift
At 7 weeks pregnant… I started to feel better. My nausea started to subside, and food was starting to appeal to me again. I think that since I had already experienced a loss, this symptom made me really nervous and anxious. I feared that I was losing my pregnancy symptoms and I was going to lose another pregnancy. However, I also wondered if it was just my nerves talking and this pregnancy was different than the first.
Around 6 weeks and 6 days I started to experience a really weird symptom. It was an aching pain deep near my cervix. It kind of felt like a menstrual cramp, but also just felt sore. I started to get concerned about this symptom as I had never experienced it during pregnancy before. I asked a friend and even a nurse at my OB clinic. They all said it sounded pretty normal. I also Googled the symptom, which probably wasn’t a good idea. The only term I could find was lightning pain. This is a term used when a woman experiences pain at the start of labor. I figured that probably wasn’t what I had and just decided to trust that everything was okay.
At 7 weeks exactly, I had my first OB appointment. I ended up going to the appointment by myself since Charles had class. It was just like last time as I had to sit with a nurse and talk about my medical history. I also met with the community health worker. In this meeting I felt compelled to share with her about my previous loss and how I was treated. I expressed to her how I was given promotional offers, samples and other reminders from various places. I shared how hurt I felt that I wasn’t given any resources until 3 months later. I expressed how I wasn’t treated kindly by my doctors. Lastly, I shared the struggle in the waiting room and how it can be hard on any woman of loss to have to sit among other pregnant moms.
The community health worker was so kind and supportive. She listened intently and allowed me to feel heard.
My second pregnancy was different than my first. For my pregnancy with Mackenzie, I was in shock for days and not at all prepared. For my pregnancy with Chase, I was very prepared for the first trimester as I knew what pregnancy symptoms to expect. At 6 weeks I was already feeling nauseated, tired, hungry and hormonal.
Though these early pregnancy symptoms weren’t exactly fun, they gave me comfort knowing my baby was doing okay, and my pregnancy was on track.
For this pregnancy, I had my mind made up that I definitely didn’t want too many people to know. I didn’t come to this decision lightly. The reason I didn’t want to share about our pregnancy isn’t because we didn’t want people’s love and support; more less, we just wanted to keep it under wraps until I was further along. I don’t in any way regret telling people I was pregnant before my first miscarriage….. but I have learned a lot since then. I have learned that people will look at you differently when you go through a traumatic event. I also learned that though people may have good intentions… they can say some really hurtful things on the topic of miscarriage. Due to all of this, Charles and I decided to keep things a secret until we were ready to handle other people’s opinions.
At this stage in my pregnancy, I had so much peace. I had peace knowing and believing my baby was going to be okay. All the statistics and stories I had read, told me I was more likely to have a healthy pregnancy than a repeat miscarriage. My HCG and thyroid levels were great for a healthy pregnancy. I was ten times stronger than I was before experiencing a loss. Lastly, my faith, my education, my relationships and my job were all in a good place. Things were starting to go right for once.
On Friday September 13th, my best friends Alli, Andrea and I all took a trip to their family’s cabin. This was a well needed trip as not only did we all need a vacation and time to catch up with one another, but I also wanted to take time away to grieve and honor my due date. My due date with Mackenzie was technically on September 16th, but since that day landed on a Monday, we decided to take a weekend trip instead.
The night before leaving for our trip, I decided to share with Andrea and Alli that I was pregnant again. I sent them both a picture of my felt letter board declaring that I was 5 weeks. They both were very excited for us and even suspected I might be pregnant again.
On Friday evening around 5pm, we left for our trip. We were headed up north. We spent the car ride talking and catching up. On the way to the cabin we stopped to get gas, get some groceries, and even got some Subway. When we arrived at the cabin, we got everything situated including turning on the water, and bringing in our luggage. We spent the evening playing board games, and telling stories. It was the perfect way to start our weekend away.
The next morning we woke up to a site so incredibly tranquil. In the living room of the cabin, there is a beautiful front window that faces miles of woods and meadow. This scene is especially beautiful in the mornings as the sun is rising, and the sun shines through the leaves of the trees. That morning we were able to see this beautiful scene, along with deer frolicking through the woods, and the sound of birds singing their morning song. It was breath taking.
That morning I also told my parents about my pregnancy. I texted my Dad and Grandma a picture of my felt board, and I told my mom over the phone. My mom cried but seemed okay. My dad seemed okay but was cautious as well. Later, the three of us headed to Traverse City Michigan. This city was just over an hour away from our cabin. In Traverse City, we walked around enjoying some window shopping. We also took a stroll down to the lake shore and enjoyed beautiful Lake Michigan. Andrea and I relaxed and sat in the sand. Alli took a stroll down the shore.
As I sat on the shore, I took a few moments to soak it all in. As I heard the waves crash on to the shore, I went deep into thought. I was supposed to be having Mackenzie right now. I was supposed to be in labor and giving birth. I was supposed to be preparing to hold my baby. These were things I thought were supposed to be different. I reflected back to this last year, when 2019 began. I got pregnant. I was so scared, but so incredibly excited. I enjoyed my pregnancy, fell in love with my baby, and prepared to announce with my family. My heart shattered when we were given the news our baby no longer had a heart beat. I went through grief, surgery, thyroid problems, weight and postpartum struggles, depression and anxiety. I also started a blog, shared my story in Toi Magazine, got a job as an assistant editor, developed relationships and friendships with other wonderful women, and even started my own business. Lastly, I came to a place where I conquered my worst fear. Losing Mackenzie was the hardest event in my life I have ever experienced, but through it, as my momma would say, I have become resilient.
I am stronger and more resilient because of Mackenzie and because of what God has allowed me to go through. Due to this, I am filled with gratitude.
I continued thinking about how far I’ve come and where I am now. I am pregnant again, I thought. I had come full circle. I thanked God for this beautiful baby. I even thanked Mackenzie for sending us little Chase right when we needed him most. I held a tiny bit of guilt and feared I was replacing Mackenzie with this baby, but I knew I wasn’t. When I last visited Mackenzie’s garden, I asked her to send us another baby. I knew then that God would send us another baby in His timing.
When we returned from Traverse City, we all took a nap back at the cabin. After our nap we made dinner together. Homemade pizza and salad is what was on the menu. It was delicious and fun to cook together. For the rest of the trip, we continued bonding, telling stories and catching up on each other’s lives. Since Andrea and I were both pregnant, the conversation was often surrounded around pregnancy and comparing each of our pregnancies. I am really thankful to have been able to go on this trip with my girls, as well as go to the lakeshore to reflect and honor my due date.
When I found out I was pregnant again….. I was filled with a lot of emotions. The last time I was pregnant, I was excited, scared, confused and feared the unknown. This time I was excited and scared because I feared of the past. I prayed for this baby and had peace for whenever God decided to bless us again. When we were blessed with another baby I prayed over Baby Chase everyday. As my pregnancy progressed, I had a lot of faith, which was really surprising. For some reason, I knew everything was going to be okay. I had peace that this baby was happy, healthy and safe. I hesitated on planning for a future and getting too excited, but I talked to Chase. Charles talked to Chase. We showed him love and were thankful for every single day we had with him.
We again were embarking on a second adventure of pregnancy. Before I got off birth control, I did some deep self reflecting and asked myself Could I handle another loss if it were to happen? I didn’t want to think of having another loss, but at the same time it’s something I needed to consider. I came to the conclusion that yes. Though it would be excruciating, I could do it because of my faith, how much I have worked on myself in the past year and my strong marriage,
I knew Charles and I could survive another loss if it were to happen.
In the beginning of September, I had a really strange feeling. Everything was coming together, I was moody, but in a good place. Charles and I started our semester on August 28th. I reflected back to the last time I started a semester, and I found out I was pregnant. It would be nice to be pregnant again, but I wasn’t in a rush. I was in my last two semesters of school, so I was okay with a few months of trying.
I was expecting to get my period around September 7th. Through the first week of school though, I kinda felt pregnant, or had really bad PMS. I really wasn’t stressed since senioritis had officially kicked in. I was just grouchy. Around September 4th, on my Daddy’s birthday food was not settling well on my tummy. I felt hot, uncomfortable and just in a bad mood.
It reminded me of when I was pregnant, but since I wasn’t late for my period… I blamed it on PMS.
On September 5th, I got sick. I ate some Greek nachos with Charles for dinner and threw up. At that point, I knew I was pregnant again. I tried telling Charles but he didn’t think so. That night we took a trip to the dollar store to get some home pregnancy tests. I took the first test that night and it was a big fat negative. I knew it probably wasn’t that accurate because it was in the evening and I wasn’t late for my period.
The next morning when I woke up, I took another pregnancy test. Negative. Maybe I wasn’t pregnant. Just bad PMS this month for some reason. I told myself if I didn’t get my period by tomorrow, I would take the last test I had. Through out the day at school, smells were not appealing, I knew this was another pregnancy symptom, but I told myself I was crazy. That evening I brushed my teeth, and had a gagging fit.
Maybe I was pregnant.
The morning of the 7th, my period didn’t come. I took another test when I first got up. Negative. Hmm… this was getting exhausting. No period. I felt really yucky and three negative pregnancy tests. Charles and I talked and he didn’t think I was pregnant… but he also didn’t think I was the last time either. Something told me I was. I was listening to my body and even though all the tests said no, I knew I was. Charles and I went out and bought the more expensive pregnancy tests. These were the tests you take 5 days before your missed period.
The evening of September 7th, I took the test. I wanted to wait until the next morning so it was more accurate, but Charles wanted answers now. I went into the bathroom and took my 4th pregnancy test in a week. It wasn’t negative… but it wasn’t positive either. There was nothing! No test line and no control line. It was a defective test. I was so frustrated. I then took the other test out of the box and tested again. No line! I was so upset! These were supposed to be the good tests and they were both defective. This was a cruel joke.
The next day, Charles and I picked up two more dollar store pregnancy tests. This was it. I was frustrated, tired and so confused. My body was telling me one thing, but these tests were either broken or telling me something else. If they were negative and I got my period I would be okay. I’d be mad because I spent so much money on tests, but I’d be okay.
The morning of the 9th I started work from home. My boss ordered me lunch and I had a pretty chill day. I didn’t feel good especially after I ate. After I was finished with work I took a three hour nap. When I woke up, I couldn’t take it anymore. If I wasn’t pregnant, there was something really wrong with me. Even though it was the evening, I took another test. I watched the test the whole three minutes. By two minutes, I swore my eyes were deceiving me.
Did I see two lines? It was faint, but there was something there. I knew it!
The morning of September 10th, I took another pregnancy test. Two lines! The second line was slightly darker than the night before. My nephew was having surgery that morning and Charles and I planned to go visit him. Since my OB was in the same hospital, I decided to call and get my pregnancy confirmed that morning. After visiting with my nephew I got my blood work done. Now I just had to wait to know for sure.
Within 24 hours I got my results. I was pregnant! My HCG levels were in the 60’s. Because I’ve already had one miscarriage, my doctor’s office wanted to check my levels in 48 hours to make sure they doubled. By Friday I had my second set of results. I was really nervous. I prayed so hard they would double. When I checked my results online I immediately had peace… they more than doubled. My HCG levels were at 150! I knew then that everything would be okay.
I was pregnant for a second time. I found out exactly one week before Mackenzie’s due date. It’s like this baby was sent from her. After everything Charles and I have gone through, we decided to give this baby a nickname right away. We nicknamed him Chase because we were chasing our rainbow. We were excited again. We were nervous again. But both of us knew that whatever happens, we would get through it together.
In the beginning of September, I was in a funk. Part of me was depressed and anxious as my “what would have been due date” was approaching…. While other parts of me, was excited for a new beginning. I was excited to start school again. I was excited to continue getting healthier and start our trying to conceive journey. I was also excited for fall, and all the fall things.
On September 7th, after coming home from my campus job, I looked through the mail. I discovered a letter from DHHS and opened it. As I read the letter I froze. I was shocked. I was angry and I was hurt. The letter read:
Reporting a Baby’s Birth. Our records show that you will be giving birth to a baby this month. Please…..
After that I stopped reading. I called my husband into the living room. I was heated. Why was DHHS sending me this document, when I had already called back in February and told them I had experienced a miscarriage? Charles encouraged me to call and leave a message. I was so angry, and I truly wanted to leave an enraged voicemail on my case worker’s phone. I wanted to… but I didn’t. I was afraid that if I had tore into my case worker…. it was likely he wouldn’t take me seriously. Instead I was stern, honest, and said that there was no reason I should have received this letter.
A few days later he called me back. He left a message and said that he was unaware I had had a miscarriage. For whatever reason he never got the message, but would fix it right away. Receiving this message made me even more angry. He didn’t get the message? Seriously!? Not only was I upset that he didn’t get my message, but it didn’t even make any sense. DHHS paid for my D & C! They paid for all of my appointments!
So why on earth did he not realize I wasn’t pregnant?
Receiving letters in the mail, promotional offers of baby items via email, and even a free case of baby formula left at my door; were just some of the many unwanted reminders I experienced before my due date.
It is officially November 1st! I can.t believe it. Time is sure flying by! It will be Thanksgiving before you know it. 🙂 Since it is November 1st, I have decided to write 30 things I am thankful for. Here we go……
1. Fall Colors and Changing Leaves 🍁
2. Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING! 🎃
3. My Parents ❤️
4. My Home 🏠
5. My Husband ❤️
6. Doughnuts 🍩
7. My Education… I’m Almost Done! 📚
8. My Job 💻
9. My Health 🍎
10. My Readers of My Blog ❤️
11. My Family ❤️
12. Medical Insurance ✝️
13. Nature 🌳
14. Michigan 🥧
15. Communication ☎️
16. New Recipes 🍰
17. My Angel Mackenzie ❤️
18. PJs 👚
19. Rainy Days ☔️
20. Buffalo Wings 🍗
21. Thanksgiving 🐔
22. Warm Blankets 🧶
23. My Friends ❤️
24. Netflix 📺
25. Coffee ☕️
26. Pumpkins 🎃
27. Jesus ✝️
28. Faith ✝️
29. New Clothes 👗
30. Our New Little Blessing ❤️
In August, my emotions of feeling peaceful and accepting started to escape me. The 12th of August was my birthday, and unlike most years… I was dreading it. For some reason when I was pregnant with Mackenzie, I was super excited to be pregnant on my birthday. I was also excited that within a short month I would be welcoming my beautiful baby into the world. Since that was no longer the case, my birthday just brought up sadness, grief and anger. I had it in my head I would be done with college and be a mommy to a baby here on earth, but that just wasn’t the case.
On my birthday I was sad but tried putting on a brave face. My best friends took me out to breakfast for a free birthday meal. My mom took me out to lunch and took me shopping. My parents bought me beautiful flowers and my husband ordered my favorite pizza. My family did a great job of keeping me distracted and helping me get through the day.
Sometimes, it is incredibly challenging to do simple tasks and enjoy special days when you are grieving. I have quickly learned that holidays, anniversaries and birthdays are the worst because those are the days I long to have my baby with me the most. I love my baby Mackenzie, and even though I have done a lot work on myself… I still struggle with how to be a mom to a baby in Heaven.
1. Grief & Mercy Blog Q & A: I Am Answering All Your Questions About Miscarriage, Grief, Healing, Recovery and My Personal Experience
I really enjoyed writing this post. On Instagram a few weeks prior to writing this post, I asked women who have suffered a loss, if they had any questions that they would like me to answer. I truly enjoyed answering all your questions as well as sharing my own experience.
2. My First BIG Opportunity as a Blogger
This post was fun to write because this was my big break. I had no idea when first starting my blog I would be asked to share my story in a magazine and eventually work for that company. It’s honestly another example of the great big plan that God has for me, that I couldn’t see at my very lowest point.
3. Mother’s Day Part 1, 2 and 3
My Mother’s Day posts were pretty popular. I enjoyed writing these posts because I was able to reflect my first Mother’s Day weekend as an Angel Mommy. I divided this post into 3 parts because I didn’t want to overwhelm my readers and honestly each post had a specific purpose. Part 1 was more about strengthening my marriage. Part 2 was about grief and advocacy and Part 3 was about peace and comfort.
4. National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day October 15th
To be honest, before suffering a loss… I had no idea there was a whole month dedicated to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. This year, I have looked at the month of October completely differently. This is the month that we remember all the babies gone too soon. I loved writing this post, as I yet again was able to advocate for women who have suffered a loss.
5. The Things to Say and Do After a Woman Has Had a Miscarriage
This post is all about things to say and do after a woman has had a miscarriage. After suffering a loss myself, I realized truly how many people don’t know what to say or how to comfort someone after a loss. I felt it was truly important to write this post so more and more people know how to help an Angel Mommy in her grief.
6. The Decision to Try Again
Writing this post felt like I had reached a moment of peace. I had peace in knowing what had happen, happen for a reason. I also had peace at whatever would happen next.
7. The Best Thing My Husband Ever Told Me After My Miscarriage
This post is one of my personal favorites as, not only does it have one of my favorite engagement photos, but it also allowed me a place to publicly thank my husband for being my rock. Though we have had our ups and downs, Charles has truly been amazing through our loss.
8. A Breakthrough in Counseling and Finding Acceptance
My Breakthrough, a moment I knew I would hit eventually…. when I realized that I had come to a place where I would one day want to try again. I share my Breakthrough in Counseling with all of you to not only break the stigma of counseling, but to also show that with a lot of time and work, healing does happen.
9. Making Peace with God
I was angry…. so incredibly anger. But through a lot of work, I was able to restore my faith and find peace in my heartache. In this post I not only discuss my faith but also about how I came to terms with my loss.
10. Redoing My Home Office
Redoing My Home office was a project I have been wanting to tackle for awhile. This past summer I was able to accomplish this goal. In this post I take you through the various changes and organization to make my home office.
11. Mackenzie’s Stepping Stone and Flower Garden
Creating Mackenzie’s garden was peaceful and unbearable. In this post I discuss the closure that was felt between my family and I as we created Mackenzie’s garden.
12. Reopening My Etsy Shop
Reopening my Etsy Shop was super exciting. I love creating and selling beautiful handmade baby items. Check out how I reopened my shop, and check out my shop link located on my main page and in this post.
13. Trying to Conceive (TTC) Lifestyle
Early morning workouts, prenatal vitamins and positive affirmations are many things I tried while beginning my trying to conceive lifestyle. Check out this post to read more about how I prepared my mind, heart and body for the future.
A Look Ahead…
Taking Pregnancy Tests is Exhausting
The title of this post is pretty self explanatory. Coming soon!
A Weekend Away to Honor My Due Date
A Weekend Away with the girls filled with laughter, coffee, cold mornings, woods, homemade pizza, Lake Michigan, and girl talk. Coming up soon!
Towards the end of summer, Charles and I started talking daily about kids and trying to conceive yet again. We stayed up some nights having long conversations about every possibility. What if we can’t get pregnant? What if we have another loss? What if I have to have surgery again? What if I have to go on bed rest? What I have an ectopic pregnancy? What if we have twins? How will we afford baby? When will we move to a bigger place? How will I take care of my mental health during pregnancy?….. Literally so many questions we would contemplate and ask each other daily. After many, many, many conversations we finally came to this conclusion. We can’t control everything. Anything can happen this next time around. So the real question was, can we as individuals handle it, and is our marriage strong enough to handle it.
We decided we wanted to start trying again at the end of summer, however we also agreed to keep each other accountable and not be obsessive about it. Our goal is to put our complete trust and faith in God, and what ever happens… happens. I decided to stop taking birth control at the end of July. I did this because I know birth control can stay in your system for awhile. It really wasn’t expecting to get pregnant again for at least a few more months. But we knew it was possible. We didn’t technically start trying yet in the sense that I wasn’t totally tracking my ovulation or anything, we just were no longer using protection.
During this time as well as all summer, I was doing everything I could to have a health trying conceive lifestyle. I wanted to be as healthy as I could for my next pregnancy. I made a lot of changes in my life including, limiting caffeine, faithfully taking my prenatal vitamins and thyroid medication; eating healthy such as healthy greens, working out regularly and teaching myself coping skills on how to better manage stress. With all these changes I knew I wasn’t going to be perfect, but also knew that making an effort wasn’t going to be for nothing.
One last thing I did at the start of our journey of trying to conceive was positive affirmations. I realized through friends and family that I have had quite a negative mindset since my last pregnancy. I am not very kind to myself and say things that should not be said to another human. I realized through reading books and talking to others that I needed to be kinder to myself, and I needed to have a positive mindset. For example; instead of saying things like “I will never be a mother.” I would say “I will be a mother someday soon, when God blesses me with another baby. Or “I’ll probably not be able to get pregnant or lose another baby.” AI would say “I am going to get pregnant and have a happy and healthy baby.”
It may sound silly but these positive affirmations were really useful in changing my mindset and giving myself hope. I was starting to get excited to pursue this journey of chasing our rainbow baby. Even though I didn’t know how long it would take or what the future would hold, I had faith that things were going to happen just the way they were supposed to happen.
I never truly thought I could get such an amazing job, while I’m still in college. I recently started the best job… and it kind of happen by accident. Do you remember how I shared my first big break as a blogger. I started my blog and promoted it on Instagram. After that, Toi Magazine found me and asked me for an interview. It was such a great opportunity, and at the time I had know idea what it would lead to.
In july while scrolling through Instagram stories I saw a post on Toi magazine’s page. It read that they were looking for interns to assist in advertising and marketing. I pondered on this post for a moment. It seemed like a really cool idea. I might be interested. I decided to message the editor Autunm and ask how it would work. Was it an internship online and was I qualified?
Autumn got back to me immediately. She told me I could do it completely online, and it wasn’t paid but I could possibly be hired in after a trial period. After receiving this message I was super excited. This would honestly be an amazing job. It might even be my dream job. I was super interested in the internship, and if things didn’t work out and I didn’t get hired, it would still be a great opportunity.
The next day I had a phone interview with Autumn. I was super nervous. I dressed up for the interview even though I knew she won’t see me. I honestly just wanted to feel confident. She asked a few questions and I was offered the internship. I was so excited. Finally, something good was happening. One month later I was hired as the Assistant Editor of Toi Magazine.
I absolutely love my job. I am able to assist with all sorts of tasks and talk to people just like me who have a story to tell.