In August, my emotions of feeling peaceful and accepting started to escape me. The 12th of August was my birthday, and unlike most years… I was dreading it. For some reason when I was pregnant with Mackenzie, I was super excited to be pregnant on my birthday. I was also excited that within a short month I would be welcoming my beautiful baby into the world. Since that was no longer the case, my birthday just brought up sadness, grief and anger. I had it in my head I would be done with college and be a mommy to a baby here on earth, but that just wasn’t the case.
On my birthday I was sad but tried putting on a brave face. My best friends took me out to breakfast for a free birthday meal. My mom took me out to lunch and took me shopping. My parents bought me beautiful flowers and my husband ordered my favorite pizza. My family did a great job of keeping me distracted and helping me get through the day.
Sometimes, it is incredibly challenging to do simple tasks and enjoy special days when you are grieving. I have quickly learned that holidays, anniversaries and birthdays are the worst because those are the days I long to have my baby with me the most. I love my baby Mackenzie, and even though I have done a lot work on myself… I still struggle with how to be a mom to a baby in Heaven.