In the first week of May, I had an appointment at a diabetes and endocrine clinic. Back in November I was struggling with hives. I had some blood work done and they had noticed my thyroid levels were high, meaning my thyroid was slowing down my metabolism. They then wanted me to go see a specialist to figure out what was going on with my thyroid. The referral came through in December, however due to my lack of health insurance, surprise pregnancy, a polar vortex winter and my miscarriage… I kept putting it off. This honestly probably wasn’t the best decision, but it’s nothing I can change now.
When going to the appointment, I had to fill out various paperwork and update my information. As I got to the bottom of the page covering medical history, I froze. It read: Number of pregnancies? and Number of miscarriages? This was the first time I have had to answer this question on a medical form. It hit me hard. I didn’t like that this was now apart of my medical history.
During the appointment my doctor discussed my thyroid levels and how it looks like I have hypothyroidism. She started me on a lose dose of medication and said we would wait 6 weeks to see how it goes. We also discussed my recent miscarriage. The doctor then hinted at the fact that abnormal thyroid levels can sometimes cause a miscarriage. She also advised me that if I want to have a healthy pregnancy in the future, then it is important I get my thyroid levels under control.
Hearing this information made me feel overwhelmed and filled with guilt. Was this miscarriage my fault? Are my thyroid problems my fault? This wasn’t fair. I started to beat myself up. I should have made the appointment sooner. I should have done more research. I should have taken care of myself better.
After this appointment, I hit another low. On the plus side, I had many of my questions answered as to why I was losing my hair and it was so dry. As well as why I felt so fatigued. However, I also beat myself up as I felt that the miscarriage was yet again my fault. I talked with my husband, my mom and Andrea and they all reminded me to be gentle with myself. As hard as it is for me to accept sometimes, it is true that I did not cause my miscarriage. What happened was awful, but I now have the opportunity to heal, grow and take care of myself.