A Breakthrough in Counseling & Finding Acceptance

In the beginning of May I saw my counselor for the last time. She was considered a temporary counselor at the university and only worked during the school year. After my last session with her, I would then be transferred to a new counselor to see through the month of June. At this particular session, I was starting to get to a good place. I still was emotional but wasn’t quite as unstable. I was also very motivated by this new found calling of advocacy that it put me in a generally better mood.

While sitting down with my counselor we discussed how I was doing, what I was doing to cope, how the end of the semester went and just the usual. While discussing my future plans for school I remember pausing for a moment. I wasn’t entirely sure why but my throat began to tighten and tears welled up in my eyes. As I discussed the future, I considered the aspect of having children again. As I thought about it, my counselor stared at me. I was having a breakthrough.

I hadn’t entirely thought about the concept of having children again. After such an excruciating loss, I never would of thought I would have this feeling or longing to have a baby again…. but I did. I confessed this to my counselor and began to cry. It took me completely off guard. I came into the session feeling pretty good, and I left emotionally drained.

After my session I went home and reflected about what had went on in counseling. I couldn’t believe I felt the way I did. Never in million years had I thought I would ever feel this way again. When I lost the baby my mom had talked about yearning and how she felt yearning after losing my brother. I guess that’s what I was experiencing too. I am an angel mommy. But I still longed to be an earthly mommy. I still wondered and worried if I would ever get that chance. I accepted the fact that I lost a baby. But I also accepted the fact that if I were to get pregnant again, I could lose another baby. Or we could have a completely healthy baby and completely healthy pregnancy. One thing was for certain…. it was in the Lord’s hands and I had reached acceptance.

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