At 6am on Tuesday February 26th, I was wide awake. I think I had gotten a total of 3 hours of sleep at the most that night. I looked at my phone to see if I had any texts from Charles. He did send a text saying he loved me. I also had 20+ notifications from Facebook. To my surprise a ton of people had liked and commented on my status and how I shared my story. In many ways I felt shame at the thought that so many people knew about our miscarriage, but also felt comforted that people actually cared.
As the day progressed I did a little research. When I first got pregnant I couldn’t remember reading anything about silent miscarriages and how a woman can have a miscarriage without experiencing any symptoms. Apparently, this is possible and exactly what I was experiencing. I did not show any of the typical symptoms of miscarriage. I didn’t bleed or spot at all. I didn’t have any cramps. The only out of the ordinary symptoms I experienced were feeling famished, weak, slight back pain, feeling uncomfortable and pulling on my sides. Honestly, these symptoms aren’t very out of the ordinary and actually pretty typical when it comes to pregnancy. So, from what I read online, because I experienced no truly common symptoms of miscarriage, and was completely blind sided when I went to my ultrasound… I was in fact experiencing a silent or missed miscarriage.
That afternoon I received a call from the Out-Patient Surgery Department of the hospital. They were calling to schedule my D & C. The first available slot was Thursday February 28th at noon. I decided to take it. The nurse over the phone went over with me important health and pre op information I needed to know in order for me to prepare for my procedure. The woman was very patient as I tried to ask questions between my tears. I still couldn’t believe I was going through this. I asked her if I was able to talk with a counselor or therapist before or after the procedure. She told me I had the right to request a social worker or Chaplin, so I did. I also asked the woman about hospital policies in terms of requesting the remains for my baby. She looked into it and I was able to make this request the day of my surgery. Charles and I hadn’t fully decided if we were going to bury Mackenzie or have her cremated but we would make that decision later.
The minutes turned into hours and the hours turned into days. I was so numb. The world felt like it was moving at rapid speed while I was moving in slow motion. I didn’t go an hour without shedding a few tears. My cramps intensified as the day turned into night. Pain in my back increased. I was so anxious. Every time I went to the bathroom I was afraid I would see blood. I was on edge hoping and praying I wouldn’t lose my baby in the toilet at my parents house. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to lose my baby in my sleep. Even though her spirit was gone, I didn’t want to be traumatized by the blood and natural act of miscarriage. I tried distracting myself with crocheting, reading and writing but nothing worked. I was in constant sadness and fear.